Raining with the hopes of sunny days ahead.

Things are going well for me today I think.

Still down with the decision to move. Leaning toward a specific complex. I want to move into the old boss's apartment, but its not becoming available soon enough. I'm tired of waiting and dealing with a slumlord. Time to move on.


Trying to work things out with the SO...and maybe we will. He's a nice guy...but he's still a guy. I'm working on just regular guy/woman stuff with him. I'm kind of happy about that despite having issues. He's not hitting, cheating or using. He's just been alone too long I think. I'm crazy about him even when I'm ticked at him. Go figure.

Kids are good....life is mostly good too.

My biggest worries today are for my friends. They have deaths, cancer, real relationship problems and even swine flu to deal with. I'm trying to help whereever I can. Wish I could do more.

I think maybe I just worry too much sometimes.

Sometimes it is just better to stay in bed

I was supposed to work today. Didn't. The whole point of my working today was to get some much needed filing done and to free up a day for the SO who is currently being a self-centered jerk. (There's a guy who's been alone too long.) I might work a night instead of a day this week just to try to get the filing caught up but as far as the SO goes, I think he needs a break from me so he can learn to appreciate what a fine woman I really am. Being crazy about someone no longer makes me less crazy about myself. Thank you Greg B. I AM that into me!


I got so pissed at the landlord today that I had the water heater fixed myself when he refused (trying to say it was my responsibility) and I gave him notice. I think I would rather live on the streets than rent from this asshole any longer. I'm not paying rent again. If he thinks he can evict me then I'd be pleased to bring my documents and photos to court. The Judge would probably make him return my rent! After I told him, he was all about coming over and fixing it (after it was done).

Tomorrow will be better right?

Just Arghhhhhh

Geez...Jimmy....Why?

I can't believe we lost. Totally sucks. ::::sigh:::: maybe next year. I hate those snotty nosed over-fed USC players.

I'm watching those HUGE players injur our players left and right and it occurs to me that I couldn't whip some cro-magnon twice my size either. The biggest problem with the ND football team is that the players have to meet such high academic standards. I would venture that half of the USC team could not get in even with Daddy's money. All that studying doesn't leave enough time for eating and body building. Well I will just have to take solace in the fact that our players will probably end up making a lot more money once they put their REAL university education to use. Still sucks though.

Walter is not taking the loss well.

The slumlord hasn't returned my call yet. Thankfully I got a shower at the SO's house but if that slumlord doesn't fix my hot water tomorrow there is going to be hell to pay when it comes time for rent. I swear that Walter and I will check into the hotel and take it out of rent. I'm not even kidding.

The SO basically ignored me in favor of the game. During half time it was mostly about him too. I was really kind of annoyed. I found out that he didn't celebrate his birthday so I surprised him with a couple small gifts (including a risque one), a chocolate cake and a card. He didn't even open the gifts until half-time and then only because I pushed for it. He said he liked them and put them back in the bag. I didn't get offered a slice of cake and he didn't even look at the card. I don't remember this selfish/spoiled and uncaring streak. I hope it isn't one of the changes that have happened to him in the past 10 years. The nicest thing he did for me was to toss me a tube of ben-gay for Walter's aching thighs (too much football I think). Not sure I can keep being crazy about a guy who treats me like that. I hate that hot & cold shit. Even if I had something to do with it all those years ago, I sure don't deserve it now.

It has NOT been a good day! Lord I hope tomorrow is better.........

Argggghhhhh & Ahhhhhhhsssss

I'm moving. I'm not playing this time. Even if I have to go to one of those (ugh) complexes. The headaches of this house and the lazy landlord are just NOT worth it. Right now I have no hot water. I called the landlord two hours ago and still no return call. I left him a message that if it is not fixed tomorrow Walter and I will be staying at the hotel and it will come out of the rent. Once its fixed I have decided I will not pay rent until he fixes the CODE VIOLATIONS in this house. I am currently writing a letter to that effect, including that if he doesn't like it then evict me because I don't even care and I'd love to get in front of a Judge with him. Obviously I need to get the hot water fixed before I give him the note or that won't be fixed.



There has been a 3 foot square hole in my kitchen ceiling (under the toilet) since I moved in....and so many other things. He keeps promising to fix stuff every time I threaten to move and never does. 2 years is more than patient. I've had enough!!! I'm embarrassed to have my friends over for goodness sakes. If I don't pay his rent then I will be able to afford to move. Fuck him!!! The Judge will be on my side.



Things are going painfully and annoyingly slow with the new/old SO. That's probably a good thing right? Its what I asked of him when we first got back together....don't rush things. No saying *I love you* until it would be a lie not to say it, no moving in together, no smothering, no etc. etc. . Yeah, its necessary but it still sucks. I want a good stable partnered life a few years ago. I am so tired of waiting for the life I want but still I know it will only be the life I want if I'm very careful.



I hate being wise sometimes. I want to be one of those flaky girls who fall in love and jump into bed and move in with a guy right away without thinking about all the future stuff or what it all means. I want to be irresponsible.



Walter has been edgy lately. He's hyped about today's game. Me too, but not like THAT. I want ND to win because I am still pissed about the Super Bowl game a few years ago. USC=University of Slimy Cheaters to me. I don't care if you are a USC fan, because even if you are you've seen the instant replays of that disgusting day. You know there were bad calls. If you are honest you know that ND beat you. I want this to be our year. I want to give USC a midwestern redneck ass-kicking. We've been working hard for this, we won't cheat like you did. We always play fair. We deserve this win and if we keep playing the way we have been playing then USC can go home crying like the Undeserving Spoiled Children that they are! The whole town pretty much feels this way about the USC team. Hope they didn't expect to find a whole lot of love here. We used it all up on other more deserving teams. Now multiply that by 10 and you will have an idea how my son feels about this game. Everyone is going to be watching it. Even me.

Well I need to change....time to get ready for (hopefully) the triumph of good over evil. Go IRISH beat the Trojans (funny how their name has so much to do with a disgusting little baggy that is generally flushed).

A weather report

Life is good. I'm really enjoying most of the stuff in my life now. Especially the new/old boyfriend. We still have some rough patches I think...but I really have a lot of faith that if I just stay true to my better self that things are going to work out for us. I decided to have my sister, who has been hit by those economic decisions to help me out around the house and thus end some of my stressing and give me a bit more time to spend on this relationship. The hardest part is going to be staying strong. I am totally nuts over him, he really seems like the same guy. After the stuff of the last 10 years I know what I ran away from and if anything I am falling harder even faster. Its scary but....I have to say....its incredible. It hurts and it feels wonderful... all mixed up together. I want this to work. Don't rush to warn me ok..... I just want to enjoy this right now. I'm not telling him everything I feel.... Not jumping into I love you's and promises of happily ever after. I'm not moving in. Not making a life... but a girl can dream y'know. I'm being smart... trying to wait until I can't wait any longer. I want to be sure as much for him as for me. Just be happy for me. Even if he dumps me later let me be happy right now. My heart isn't broken yet, I still have a lot of hope. Maybe I can have forever. Maybe I'll get my shot at true contentment.

Work is great too.....mostly. Still underpaid and overworked but other than that I love this job. Its exciting, never boring and people pretty much like me all the time. I feel successful.

The only dark cloud is my friend. I will be devastated if anything happens to her with this cancer. She's too wonderful to suffer so. I want to make her happy. I want to give her reasons to smile..... She needs to know she matters....really matters....because she does. To me and a whole lot of other people. She is the Queen. What do your friends do that make you happy? I need your best stuff.

As you can see my life is mostly sunny with only an ominous and maybe not even threatening cloud in view.

Maybe I don't know everything

Today I was lucky enough to have time to talk with my real-life friends. I'm lucky enough to have several both at work and outside of work that truly care about my well being...yeah they rib me when they can and tell me what I don't want to know but they are good friends. I needed that today. It helps that most of them are sane.

One of my friends is ill. Seriously so. I refuse to believe anything bad can happen to her because I don't know what I would do without her. I feel kind of selfish in that belief but the truth is she is one of the few people in this world who "gets" me. She could probably tell you exactly what I would do in a given situation and seldom be wrong. I want to "be there" for her as much as possible. Its kinda hard because I want to smother her with affection and tears. I have to stop myself from seeing if she needs help. See she is probably more independent and proud than I am. She's like a super-woman. She'll do it all or die trying. Probably how she got so sick. It's cancer. Thyroid. My natural father beat that twice before the throat cancer got him. I have to believe she is as tough as my father was...he was soft in the middle. My friend makes me look like a sissy girl. She's my hero. I would be lost in life without her. So what can I do to make her days better, to help her without her feeling like she's imposing? I really want to know. I don't know what I would want other than to not be treated like an invalid. She is powerful. I want more than anything for her to keep feeling that way. I know the risks and the expectations and side effects. I've chosen to focus on hope. Deal with the facts and make the future what she wants it to be. I want to be her friend. I've always considered myself the weaker link here.... I can't be that now. I have to toughen up and help hold her steady. What can I do? I would love suggestions.

On a more personal note, this falling for him thing has got me in a bad way. My hands actually start shaking when I start trying to explain the stuff that is going on inside my head. my friend, IK kinda thinks its really funny. So do most of the girls at work since they've seen my bossiness in general life and felt sorry for a few would be boyfriends of mine in the past. IK especially so....we had lunch today and despite her ribbing, she honestly doesn't think I'm crazy... taking a huge chance yes, but one she would take too. She laughed at the small amount I was eating. Its hard to eat. My stomach hurts from holding it all in. I keep stopping myself from emailing and calling....but I still do sometimes. I don't want to smother him but he has such a weird work schedule and I actually feel this need to communicate with him over stupid stuff that can wait... I'm not being cool. I'm always cool.... awesomely cool and I can act confident when I am not. I can't seem to shut up when I'm around him. I chatter on and on like a 10 year old in love with the sound of her own voice. I keep catching myself fidgeting and squirming. Thought I outgrew or trained myself out of that behavior years ago. IK thinks its all very funny and well deserved. She thinks I worry too much. "of course he will love you again" she says... I wish I could be so sure of it. I can't even tell him how I feel (if that's what I feel). The closest I can say is that I'm *crazy* about him. I'm crazy about rose bushes and fried mushrooms too.

I've made all this big talk that if I could only find a man worthy of it, I would lay it all on the line and be utterly truthful and vulnerable in the name of love. Reality isn't so simple or grand. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be made a fool of. Mostly though I am scared to death of losing him from my life again. I don't want to screw up so I am walking this thin line of being very careful not to give away too much of my feelings or the depth of my emotions and passion while showing him enough vulnerability and truth that he will know I've changed for the better and fall back in love with me.

I'm still selfish and cowardly. I want it all....and I want it for free. I swore I wouldn't do it to him again but I still keep trying to make him take the risks of rejection.

I can't go through another sleepless night. My brain is scrambled.

Well maybe I will lose a few pounds trying to figure this all out.

Looking for tips though....roflmao. I still want to catch him. Keep him.

Worth Repeating...or history proves that we only repeat our mistakes

Those who know me will back up this statement: " Once I end a relationship, I never go back".

I never have either...not since my heart was broken by my first love on a 3rd try. Crushed is probably more like it. I was barely 18. I swore I'd never forgive a broken relationship again and the truth is...I never have. I tried and tried until a relationship was so dead that there would be no reviving it. I used my words with cruel intentions to make a reconcilliation impossible. I never wanted to face my share of the blame. Why should I when I could point to their misdeeds and sins against me? There was always another just waiting anyway....guys are like that sometimes.... NEXT!!!

I don't know how many times I have said that my favorite word is "Next". I make the rules or I break the rules, but even when I'm out of control.....usually I am the one with all the power. I'm the one who ends things. Permanently.

True my entire life.

There was one time though....10 years ago. One I never talk about when I was the one who had the misdeeds. I was the one with the sins. That's not how I told it at the time....but it is why I never discuss him. To discuss him I would've started lieing again. I value truth now. Then though....I exagerated and outright lied to his face about his failures to me and probably convinced him I was right. Words.... I'm so good with words that I can be evil with them. I still ended it because I was determined to change my life for good or ill. I had a desperation about me then. The reasons I thought I had don't matter though. I was selfish, spoiled and mean. No matter how much he wanted me, the truth is, I didn't deserve him then.

We are back together. I don't know the rules yet. I'm nervous and scared. I am still trying to deal with the things I have done...wishing I could make amends... But what do I do? Conversely I am hopeful beyond belief and happy. Really happy despite all the chaotic emotion.

He's working on forgiving me now. This puts me in an wonderful place but its still an unfamiliar and potentially awful position for me. I'm crazy about him or at least who I remember him to be. Here at this point in my life....with all the analysis I've done regarding what I want and who I want I realize that he is the person I describe and the life he once was trying to offer me is the life I describe so much now as impossible for me to get.

The power is different now. Once I accepted his offer of a renewed friendship, I changed everything. He has the power now. Where once I could hurt him and never show any pain of my own, the opposite is true. If anyone gets thier heart broken this time... it will be me. By asking for forgiveness, I have shown weakness, uncertainty and vulnerability. I had to admit my wrongs and be willing to face the reaction to them. He knows that no matter how honest I appeared that I could manipulate and lie, even if it was by omission. The man who once thought I was perfect....knows better now.

I can't be completely open with him. I am grateful he doesn't read my blogs. I don't really want him too. Usually I ask men interested in me to read them. The evil part of me wonders if this is an elaborate revenge. I really do. See I know what I deserved. I know what I would have done to a guy who had treated me that way. Forgiveness would not have been one of my options.

I want him back though. We started seeing each other a short while ago....When I saw him it all came back in a rush, but it hurt me this time, instead of him. The things I did made me feel shame. My heart picked up right where it left off. I had thought it would be like meeting with a stranger or an old friend. I figured maybe we would date a while... I didn't realize I would want to jump into his arms. He's all I've been able to really think about since.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm falling too fast and too far. He seems to be exactly the same. EXACTLY.....yet I know how much I've changed. 10 years...its so long. I know he must have changed and I have to find out in what ways. I am shaking because I'm so scared....but its like there is something in me right now that is keeping me from getting a grip on my emotions. Logic and reason are not working because I just don't care.

I'm going to need my blog....a place I can share the emotions that I can't share with him yet.

I'm either going to be completely destroyed or I am the luckiest person on Earth right now....

I wish I knew which it was.

For those of you who wonder about my recent facebook questions.....there are things I've done in my past that I am not quite proud of. Times when my behavior was cowardly, selfish and self serving. Times when I didn't let love and truth determine the way I lived. I was too busy trying to survive I guess.

My life and the living of it is better now. You live you learn. You try to make amends and when amends are not possible, you try to forgive yourself the unforgivable and forget or at least not remember the things you have done. Its called "getting over it". Occassionally though....the hurt you've caused another haunts you. When that happens I don't know what to do or how to make it right.

I've always had too much pride. I was probably almost 40 before I could even admit I was wrong about anything. Call me a late bloomer. I feared that if people knew who I really was it would make me weak. I've come along way but not all the way yet.

I was given a gift of forgiveness and a hope of making things right recently. I'm not going to go into details but it was a person I had cut out of my life because to trust this person would have been to risk certain rejection in my mind at that time. I hurt this person before the person could hurt me.

I'm ashamed to say that there is a part of me that worries that I am being lulled into a false sense of security for a shot at revenge. I would deserve it for the things I said and did.

I still have problems with trust. I want to trust. I want the relationship with this person. I'm not sure I would have forgiven had I been wearing those shoes. Therefore I can't trust the forgiver even when I want to.

Still judging others by my own dark side.

So I put those questions out there. Hoping that the answers would not repeat my worries but reassure me that forgiveness, however undeserved, and making amends will be possible...

Its a grab at hope...its a hope for truth

Prolific Update

Hi....Well in my efforts to keep writing on a regular basis...lol...

As far as I know the older kids are both busy but fine. They definitely are hard to catch up with. I'm thinking of seeing if Bo wants to do a joint holiday at my house since he broke up with his GF. If you don't remember, Bo is Richard and Celia's father and my first husband. We are getting our friendship back. It feels good to laugh with him. I've even teased him about his extremely young dates...ROFLMAO. I wish I knew someone for him but I really screwed up the last time I set him up and I don't think I should go there again. Walter is moody lately, mostly because I've spoiled him too much. I'm working on it. If anyone has any parenting tips that don't include beating his ass, I'm listening. This one is a handful. Mostly its as if he doesn't want to take responsibility for his own behavior or words. When I lay it out for him he feels bad and I feel like I've beat him down. He's good for a while and then WHAM he starts blaming inanimate objects (i.e. threatening to break the computer for his lack of skill), other people, me or whatever for whatever he perceives as bad at the moment. Its like he really thinks he should have this perfect life and any threat to that is a direct attack on him. Help!!!!

If you read my other blog, y'all know I've recently had what I consider a perfect date...and it was followed on Thursday by another. Its just dating though. I am being very careful with my heart. I do like him though and I find him interesting. I hope to know him better, because I don't really know him now. I've decided to just date him only for a while because I only have so much time and the other dates I was having were not great and at least I enjoy his company. There are only so many days in a week and I hate wasting time as much as I hate dating. Its not a relationship or even exclusive at this point though. While I enjoy his dates, to me, the real news comes when dates are more special and less frequent and there is more communication and just hanging out. Thats when you can tell if things are going to have a chance of working out or not. I have always preferred hanging out or doing something non-datelike together to actually dating.

Work is going pretty well though I do have a serious backlog on bills that I need to send out. I had hoped to get them done Thursday but there were too many computer problems at work. Hopefully Monday I can solve the last computer issue and get down to some serious catching up. Looks like I'll be doing some of the stuff at home, but that's ok, it'll be worth it just to know its done.

I've also been hanging out with my friends a bit more. I need to do that. Sometimes I forget the people that love me no matter what when I am in these dating modes or tumultous relationships. I am really working the clarity this year though and not losing sight of the people in my life. I'm still busy and hard to get a hold of .....but I make calls and I take time whenever I can.

Tomorrow I will read instead of write....I don't want to lose track of you either.

Sweet dreams dear friends....

Bits & Pieces

1. Walter is doing well in school. No recent injuries but still skateboarding. Really getting good at video taping.

2. Still dating. I hate dating. I want a BF....but I hate the effort involved.

3. SC is still ill but doing better...I'm hoping that things will be cured soon.

4. BJ got arrested for MDA charity purposes. I hope to upload the video soon.

5. Stacy, one of my BFFs is working at the Inn again. I hope that we are able to give her a permanent position soon.

6. IK, another friend of mine from the Inn was promoted up to Housekeeping manager. Excellent. Rooms have considerably improved.

7. House was clean and organized but Football Hell Week did me in and it took all of Labor Day Weekend for me to recuperate. Redoing it now.

8. Just in case you missed it...ND whupped Nevada. This bodes well for Walter's spirits, our tourist economy, and the local attitude.

9. I've started wearing my contacts a little less than half the time now. They still want to stick to my eyeballs though. Its a pain in the backside but I look so much better with them, and truth be told I see better too.

10. This Summer I was able to see Bonnie Tyler and Alice Cooper in concert. I am going to this B100 (local radio station) Party on Sunday where Alabama is playing. Going stag probably.... No date and all my friends have dates or hubbies.

11. I think my eldest son has a girlfriend. He's been MIA even from his sister lately. Honestly I would be delighted if he were to fall in love and stay with one woman for a while.

12. My car is fixed. My ex husband, Bo (Richard & Celia's Dad) fixed it for me free...only cost me $80 for tires. He's a sweetheart for doing that!

13. Now I need to get a new freaking stove. If its not one thing its another....LOL... I don't think it can be fixed.

14. My house is slowly being invaded by spiders.....ugh.....I hate spiders. They don't have long to live though. I will probably bomb the house on Monday or Tuesday. I seen the weirdest looking one ever a few days back. I swear it looked like *Thing* on the Adams family....yup like a walking hand and it was the size of a child's hand! I smashed that bugger with my shoe! Afterwards I thought Damn! I should have suffocated it in a jar so I could take a picture and see what kind it actually was. I know some of you don't think its ok to kill them but me....if they aren't paying rent then I don't want them in my house!

15. Celia is a vegetarian now. yeah.....a kid of mine that doesn't like steak. Somethings not right about that. Oh well...she probably wouldn't want me killing spiders either. She cracks me up....

Thats it....my current very boring life in bits and pieces. I always said I wanted boring but y'know what.....

Its freaking boring!