Outta Whack. (another prolific update)

Anyone got some whack? I'm out of it.

I think I have that mystery virus again. Might need antibiotics. I'm tired a lot but I can't seem to sleep....I feel run down. Y'all know I normally have the energy of 10 women right? I usually need it. Right now is no exception. I'm trying to get to bed earlier these days. Actually I just gave myself a 10 pm bedtime yesterday....but I'm planning to keep it up until I feel better again.

My job has been consuming me. Eating me alive some days, but I really love the direction it is going so I keep offering it up more bits of myself. Its cutting into the things that should matter more a bit, but I'm doing my best to keep it in check.

I'm learning a lot. I have a lot to learn. Just when you think you know it all.........

One of the young girls here was fired recently. I got the feeling she really didn't see it coming. She was a smart young thing, very attractive and when she wanted to be...very nice. The problem is she didn't often want to be. She would harp on and on about another co-worker's off-the-job irresponsibility day in and day out. The truth of the matter is B (as I will initial her) had a bad habit of moodiness and missing work. It doesn't matter how good you can do your job if you do it with a bad attitude and don't show up half the time. It doesn't matter how well you know the company policies if you offend its customers when you present them. I feel a bit sorry for B. Its got to be a huge blow to her even bigger ego. She won't have a problem getting another job, but until she changes her attitude and attendence problems she will continue to have a difficulty keeping a job. Hopefully this will startle some of the other non compliant employees into looking at themselves as expendable. Maybe they will put their backstabbing knives away and concentrate on productivity instead of office politics for a while. There is always hope.

I was hoping to move out of here at the first of June but at the slow slow rate I am getting things ready to move, it will probably be closer to July. Dammit. I keep trying to start packing but my kids, my career, my long distance boyfriend and my other friends take up all my time. I need to get a plan and stick with it. I think its going to begin by taking the next couple of weekends to do my stuff. I still need to finish that IH6 (inheritance tax form) for my old boss who will soon be my new landlord. No sense in pissing him off now. I need to get this stuff around here packed up so Walter (dear child that he is blah blah) will have less stuff to trash the place with. I'm even planning to pack up the majority of our clothing. Less laundry and maybe the kid will wear the same outfit all day then! (horrors of horrors~~~~>) I also need to get caught up on the blasted laundry...I hate laundry almost as much as dishes! At any rate...I hope to be out of this Hell hole soon!

Coffee has and continues to do Walter a world of good! Yay! Such a simple fix. I may have to take him out for cappuccinno soon. I've also decided that once we move into the new place my little couch potato and I are going to begin taking full advantage of the fitness center where I work. We will only live a few blocks away and then there will be no reason why he couldn't walk down when I get off work and join me for a workout most days.

Maybe working out more would help me quit this nasty smoking habit. Those of you who are praying for me....pray harder. I hate that I smoke but I am having a Hell of a time giving these buggers up too. There is a free smoking cessation class starting soon that I think I am going to try. Hopefully that will help too. It begins June 1 I think.....I guess I better get on it and register soon.

I'm still with Scott. Its a very pleasant relationship. I do feel love for him but I am wondering lately if its enough to cover the problems of time and distance. He lives several cities away and I'm kind of high maintenance life wise. I like things to be very natural right from the get-go and its hard to get into that naturalness when you don't interact in someone's life. Its not exactly the same problem I was having with the other Scott....but its getting to be too familiar for my comfort. I don't have a clue what his life is like for real. I have met his youngest child and interacted quite a bit with him. His daughter knows about me...not like he's trying to keep me secret... I can call when I want, etc etc....but its somehow not feeling like enough. He's a prime cut personality, once you get to know him, very sweet and good. He's making real effort to please me and he does... But what I want most of all is pretty much on the back burner, for years probably and I am not sure I am willing or even able to wait that long for the life I consider a normal-every-day-relationship. My brain is coming back into play....my heart can only overrule it for so long. I used to think that true love would be worth any price I had to pay to keep it.... now I'm not so sure. Not sure if I am willing to pay any price and not sure that there is only one true love in a person's life or if there is even really one. Maybe we just make lovers out of friends (and sometimes enemies) and if we are lucky everything matches up perfectly and some of us can just stay like that forever. The rest of us change too much....need too much....want too much or maybe its the *friend* that changes too much.... It doesn't really matter. Love should be simple but its complicated and confusing instead.... Just like life. Especially my life.

As for Scott, he is a lovely man, but I suspect that eventually I will be too much for him too. I don't think he reads this blog much (I just haven't had time to write lately). There are some obstacles in his own life equal or greater than mine that prevent him from giving me what I want as well and some things he still must work out from his previous relationships before he will ever be able to take me at completely face value and that is kind of a requirement for me. I also feel the need to keep myself *in check* with him a lot. Not because he wants me to, but because I just don't think he can handle me full-on on a regular basis. I hate keeping myself in check but I like having him around too.

I wish I could say with hope in my heart that this love was going to last forever but I just don't feel it today....I feel like we are fulfilling each other's needs for right now. Its friendship caught on fire and its wonderful but I kind of think that it will burn itself out soon. Some fires just have to be tended. That's what neither one of us has time to do. With the price of gasoline its a pretty expensive habit too, not that I have been doing any of the driving but its nearly a two hour drive each way. For my part I feel so guilty about that expense that I try to prepare nice dinners and make for a nice stay-in while he is here. Not much of a dating life, you can imagine. Once again it feels a bit too much like a booty call, not that I am complaining....its just I want more in my life. Not necessarily dating stuff....but fun stuff like hanging out at museums and parks...

I sort of think I should be sadder or something but I'm not. I'm just enjoying what we have for now I guess. Maybe I'm a little wistful but I am comfortable with what I see as unmovable forces (both of us have localized careers, children, family & friends, as well as community ties). I won't change mine and I wouldn't dream of asking him to change his. I did make the mistake of telling him that I would agree to move in with him eventually.....I am going to have to correct that. It felt like truth when I was overcome with the passion but I know its not when I'm thinking clearly.

I remain unwilling to uproot Walter from this City again. The kid deserves stability during High School. He has tried so hard to get himself together and to prepare for it. I am not going to be the one who adds to his stress. I am also moving upward on this career ladder. At first I took it lightly, but not so much anymore. I can see how life changing it is going to be for me. I want this. I want to be successful. I want the opportunity to reach my full potential at something before I die. As much as I hate this City sometimes.....I love it too. South Bend, Indiana is an amazing place. Most places are not racist, generally that is reserved for the ghetto areas and frankly I do understand why....it goes all ways here (everyone hates everyone else). The regular and even upper class neighborhoods are lovely and very diverse. We have community theatre, businesses work together, we have fairs and festivals, a wonderful parks & recreation department, our art community is fabulous and we have lots of museums and other historical places. It's not New York or Chicago but its not too bad.

I probably won't write again for a week or two. I have to try to set some priorities here....as much as I wish I could be online regularly I just need to get a grip on my life right now. Today I am taking the time to do this and visit your blogs so that I won't feel guilty about not doing it..... Not that I don't love y'all as much as you love me....but unless I get a clone I will never get caught up so long as I am sitting on my bum typing away at this magic box.

So there you have it.... another prolific update and I am still out of whack

Accounting (my kids, my life, my *career*)

So today was basically a good day despite the bad. Through all my recent troubles, joys, excitements and hassles...I've managed to stay true to my resolution of HOPE. Its paying off in big ways for me.

Walter is doing better I think. Y'all have been so supportive of me over the years with the autism. I think he is beginning to reach that magical age where I can actually reach him. Actually sooner than his brother did. The wierd thing is I think its the coffee. Seriously. 2 days ago he took up drinking coffee....OMG!!! I'd heard that it helps some cases, especially those compounded by ADD but his brother never liked the taste and Walter couldn't be talked into trying it...then for no particular reason he took it up this weekend. His nerve pills didn't work that fast! He keeps saying things that make sense and obeying me. Not to mention I don't have to repeat myself 20 different ways until he gets it. He isn't acting obsessed. He said school has been *easy* this week! He seems like other people's version of *normal* suddenly.... I will definitely be monitoring his progress in here. Right now I cut him off at 5 pm. (found out that it does affect his sleep a bit).

Spent Sunday with some of my family. It was good...some things were especially good (more explanation to follow). It was Rhonda's b-day and she had a cook out.

The new job responsibilities are difficult...I'm not through with the tomes of reading material but the office politics are settling down a bit and I've learned at a much faster pace than I was expecting to. The Comptroller and GM seem pretty pleased with me. I am a bit bummed about some possible changes that may take place, including possible new ownership, but I am prepared to ride out the changes and see what happens. Either way the skills I am building now in the AP/AR and Human Resource divisions are great experience and will definitely beef up my resume.

The news I've been hinting at is that I am involved with just one man again. No it isn't just to get off the dating treadmill (though I do hate dating). This man was my friend before I ever met the other Scott (yep the *other*). I was too blind to see what was in front of me, and too fearful to take a chance on something I convinced myself was not possible. This man, also named Scott (he suggests for reference that I call him GREAT Scott....but I think I am going to pass...), does know the person he claims to love. He was there warning me to not settle for less than my heart's desire when I became foolishly infatuated and he was also the one who helped pick up the pieces of my busted pride when things fell apart. He actually helped me tweak out my dating profile and asked me to help him with his. Getting to the point we are now was fast and slow at the same time. That's ok. Maybe love isn't a grand explosion in a moment or a slow build up. Maybe it is just a sweet surprise when you realize your friend is not just your friend, he is the man that you didn't realize you wanted until the thought of someone else sharing his heart appeared. I realized all my rules were stupid if they prevented me from my heart's desire. Obstacles are meant to be overcome. Love worth having is worth waiting for and working for. Nothing is instant....Love develops and grows stronger with time and practice. Friendship is a solid foundation and keeps the embers from the flames of passion from burning out.

I didn't want to look foolish by blogging about another love so quickly but Scott reminded me how important blogging is to me and he's right. I don't want to have secrets from anyone. I don't like censure.

I wish I could wax poetically about Scott now, but I don't want comparisons to be made with my foolish interlude. I'll tell you its nice, passionate but not silly. I've not only met his youngest child but I've cared for him (An adorable 3 year old boy). I'm supposed to meet his daughter on Saturday...alone LOL. I assume I am getting the *once over* and that is ok by me. He also has a young adult son as well. I'm sure I will also meet him eventually. I can call Scott when I want and I'm not his secret and he doesn't want me to be. It's two-way involvement. Sometimes we talk too much and sometimes not at all. We are still in process of switching from friends to lovers. We do love though....specifically and intentionally. We don't consider it an accident, more of a burning question that we researched and found the answer to in each other.

He made Sunday really special by coming with us and bringing along the youngest....It felt like he was my family too.

He's a bit different...geeky like me. He is more laid back and conservative acting. We share a lot of views, but he is more introverted and I am more extroverted. We work well together and when I couldn't fix my sister's computer I would have given up the ghost without his assistance.

My intention on our second date was to scare him away....instead I ended up letting him into my life. He was right about us and I am glad.

PS...No...Scott is not the sometime commentator I met for the first time a few weeks ago....that is my friend Dave...and ladies...Dave is a single truck driver with an outgoing attitude who really cares deeply for his friends....he likes tiny women with curly hair who can appreciate a bad joke and a cold beer....LOL...If you are interested let me know and I will hook you up!!!

Addiction

A few years back I wrote an essay regarding my decision to quit smoking. I did it too.....or rather I took a year long pause. I started smoking again and I'm attempting to quit again. Some days are better than others. I have found that with one adult support person I do fine, but with more than that I feel a pressure to smoke. I don't know whether or not that is to give them a reason to continue to support me or to defy them. God only knows my motivation sometimes.


I have been trying to figure out my addiction to addiction. I married and divorced 3 addicted men. Sex, Drugs and/or alcohol. Everyone of them a smoker too.


I finally admit that in my late teens up until my early 30's I was anorexic and often bulimic. Not a pretty way to be pretty. I added an addiction to speed to help it all along. For years I was a size 3 or 4 on my 5'4" frame..... My mother gave me my first pill so I would have enough energy to go to school, and then come home and help take care of my sisters baby and run the house until she could get home from her second shift job. I was the oldest one left at home and said baby-mama had run off somewhere. It was a nice side affect that it helped me lose the baby fat and be model-thin. I guess I started that when I was 12 or 13 and it stayed with me until I was put on those steroidal drugs when I was 39. Even anorexia and bulimia cannot help you lose weight when you are on steroids. One would think that my best friend dieing of a combo drug addiction of speed and downers would have made me stop at 35, but it didn't. I always felt that she took *too much* and I was smarter. Truth is I was just luckier. I didn't like downers.


I became addicted to cigarettes and marijuana (yes, you can so be addicted) in my early teens. I was a bit of a problem drinker then too, but alcohol has never been addictive to me, too many problems with it, it was just a way to fit in with the wild crowd. I am one of those people who fall asleep after 2 beers/glasses of wine, but I can barely cop a good buzz off harder liquor. I loved Marijuana. It just made me really happy and it spurred my imagination. It also took my short term memory and made me act really stupid sometimes. It took some of my pain away (I had it kind of rough then). I was lucky enough to have a couple of teachers who thought my brain was worth saving (they didn't know about the addictions related to thinness) so they dumped every alcoholic drink they could catch me with and generally shadowed me so much that my wilder friends wanted nothing to do with me for fear they too would get busted.

I haven't smoked weed since I was 17. I will be eternally grateful to those teachers for the rest of my life. I would have looked for better stronger highs without their intervention. The crowd I was running with are mostly dead or recovering felons now. Those teachers probably saved my life. It wasn't illegal to smoke cigarettes then, the students even had smoking areas. I had parental approval. It was a different world. Otherwise I am sure they would have made me stop those too.


Which brings me prolifically back to the point of this post. Its time to really quit smoking like I mean it. Its a good time to do it. I plan to move into a different apartment soon (one that doesn't smell of day-old smoke) in a better part of town. My car should be running by then. My job is good, my love life is going well and Cindy finally came and picked up her freaking feline friends (only one cat now). Its Spring!!!! So many stressors are gone or going. That new hopeful phase of my life that I've been concentrating on since January 31 is finally looking like a success, despite a few serious setbacks.


I don't think I am as physically addicted as I am emotionally and psychologically addicted. I smoke the most when I am alone. If I am around non-smokers without any real stressors I can go all day pretty much without one......but the moment stress, boredom or loneliness hits me I find myself reaching for my favorite crutch. This weekend I smoked only 5 cigarettes on Saturday and only 4 on Sunday. Today at work and on my way home I've smoked 8 already.


I need new habits...nervous habits and coping mechanisms. The rubber band around the wrist snapping just annoys me and makes me want a smoke. I need better suggestions....maybe something that reminds me its my choice and a good one or something that is at least neutral.
I don't know how to live life without some addiction or another. Maybe what I need is a *good* addiction.

Personal Updates

I'm tired...forgive me....just going to make a list.

1. Made a new best friend, Stacy. We are twins beneath the skin (read she is 4 inches taller, black and a whole lot cuter...but we both have a wacky sense of humor and high intelligence). Our first hang-out time we went to a local non-meat-market bar and had some french fries and a couple of drinks. An ugly, OLD, weird white guy kept hitting on her. Long story short....after I let her suffer for a few, I leaned into her, whispered in her ear...just pretend we are gay, and then I stroked her back and shoulder ever so sensuously...shared a few words and watched the ugly, OLD, weird white guy scurry out. It was hilarious. Look for more fun retellings soon.

2. I'm doing better on house cleaning.

3. I'm doing worse on quitting smoking.

4. My sister still hasn't picked up her damned cats. I swear I am going to cook some exotic cuisine here pretty soon.

5. Walter and Danielle broke up, it wasn't mean though. Still friends. YAY that they are friends and that it was so easy to take.

6. S'posed to meet a sometime commenter on this very blog this coming weekend. I met him on POF and we share a lot of commonalities, including autistic family members. I've considered him a friend for a long while. I'm looking way forward to it. He's a really funny, nice man.

7. I've been spending an inordinate amount of time lately doing favors for my friends and family. Right now I am trying to fix not 1 but 3 computers....Figures that not even one of them is an easy fix right? I need to finish an Estate for Dennis (the old boss), I am preparing some fliers for another friend.

8. I have a lot of studying to do that I am procrastinating about regarding the new position. Someone tell me to quit playing around and take it serious OK?

9. I'm looking at men as something other than Fate's weapon against me these days. I've made the conscious choice not to wax poetic about a budding romance in this forum again (not because of you people, but because of me being embarrassed about being stupid), but its safe to say that I am interested in pursuing romance again. When I actually commit to just one and I am positive it is going to last a while, I'll let you in on it.

10. I've decided to move in June hopefully. I'm hoping to work out something with Dennis regarding his apartments. He's been wanting me to manage them for cut rate rent, but I want two of the apartments....not just one. I need a bit more space than he thinks. More negotiations. One way or another I am moving out of this dump. Going to start packing this week.

11. Work is going to be killer the next 2 months or so.

12. For those who asked, my new blog links are there to the right of this screen under *My Words* Most of them are just reposts or rewritten snippets from this blog or the old one. at this point, but henceforth it should mostly be new stuff.

So please forgive my frequent absences from this forum and yours....Maybe I will have it all together again sometime yet this Summer!

Wish me luck!

Unbored

Hey everyone...

Sorry about the AWOL again. I've been pretty busy. I've decided not to leave the Inn. I still don't like what happened with my daughter, but it was one person who caused it and while she was ahead of me power-wise a while back....not so anymore. Also, I will be in contact with the business side of the building as well here in the near future and I might be able to get her into one of the other business' future openings. (One side of the building is just office space and doesn't fall under the *no family* rules).

You guessed it.

I've received a BIG promotion at work. It was involuntary but now I am warming up to it pretty good. A new position is being created just for me. Go ahead....stroke my ever expanding ego. Its ok. I likes it. It won't be a lot more pay at first, but they've backed themselves up with me before when they said it would come later. I haven't even been there a year yet and have received several raises. I can't complain about that. I will be getting my own office which will help out a lot as far as getting my job done without interruptions.

I wasn't planning for this. It is probably going to be almost all I can handle for a while. Certainly don't have the time for it. I don't care that much about money or position. However....I am not getting any younger and this is one Hell of an opportunity. I'd be a fool not to take it and give it my best shot. I am a lot of things....but not stupid.

I'm going for it!

What I am to be, is some kind of liaison/assistant to all the departments in the two corporations. Mainly with the Hotel Comptroller, General Manager, Building Manager, Maintenance Department and Accountant (for both sides) and I will probably work with Housekeeping and Sales on a smaller scale. She promised not to completely ban me from the Front Desk either (I absolutely love interacting with our guests). Some of my duties will be secretarial, but most will be managing information. I am still the Geek on Call pretty much too.

I've been chosen for this new position because of my widely varied skills and the fact that everyone seems to like me (the Comptroller said *The staff just loves you!"). Kewlness. Its good to be liked.

Negotiations will probably take place this week or early next. I already have a front desk meeting on Thursday and it is pretty hard to fit in two meetings in the same week with my varied work responsibilities. So we will see.

I think I am going to go for salary over hourly, and regular daytime 8-5 hours if possible. Chances are I will have to concede a weekend a month or something, but that won't be too awful. Insurance and whatever other benefits....for sure. I will probably have to start dressing up more, that's ok. I think I still know how to look the part.

What do YOU think I should consider in my negotiations...both concessions and demands. I haven't had to negotiate a contract in YEARS. Any and all help is greatly appreciated.

The more I think about it the more it seems like Radar's job on M.A.S.H.!!!! ROFL