Breathe in, Breathe out, Move on.

My grandmother passed on yesterday. I'm still dealing with the guilt and the poor-me's. I think I'm coming to terms with it. The thing that bothers me most is that for a period of time she felt physical pain. She had gangreen. She would have died soon anyway. She was 92. Basically my family is very lucky to have had her as long as we have, still we would have greedily accepted each additional day if we could have had them.

I'll write about her more soon. She was an amazing woman. Everything is too fresh now.

Today is my birthday. I knew she wouldn't die today. She would never do that to me. I knew it would be on a plain ordinary date so as not to dredge up painful reminders year after year. She was always so considerate, never wanting a fuss to be made.

We haven't made any solid funeral or viewing arrangements yet. I'm still waiting for my parents to call with something definite. I couldn't go today anyway. I won't make the association between today and yesterday, she wouldn't have liked that and I don't want to make people feel like they need to put on thier happy birthday faces for me. No one is happy today.

Walter has been trying so hard to make me happy today. I keep trying but all I want to do is sit and stare. Most people haven't remembered and I am ok with that. If I could have changed the date I would have. I just wish I could take away the regret from my friends and family when they realize they forgot me. I wish they could just forget completely until next year.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend too. I would have done it already but he has been angry since I decided to visit my Grandma last Saturday with my sister. (that visit is how we found out the seriousness of this situation...but thats another soap opera). He has been totally ignoring and avoiding me since then despite the fact that he knows that I was dealing with all this. Nothing in it for him to be around me when I'm sad. I thought he really cared and I was worried about hurting him. I did care for who I thought he was, even knowing he wasn't the one for me. I realize now that I was just a free meal and booty call. I helped his position at work somewhat too. He got more than he paid for. I had high hopes that I could still be friends with him, but this hurt even if I knew already that we were not going to last. I feel stupid. Used. The truth is, he was trying to keep me isolated, and I won't be trapped again.

My resolution word last year was Hope. Good word and it was good for me to concentrate on that. This year the word will be CLARITY. My life needs definition, my truths need classification, my world needs to get organized. I've gone through a lot in the past 10 years or so, its time to start understanding what all these events actually mean in my life...time to clean up some of the debris, physically and figuratively, that surrounds me.

Today, out of the blue, a man I didn't know read one of my profiles and emailed me about the following song. Jimmy Buffett wrote it after Hurricane Katrina. It sums up how I feel today. Like I always say...Sometimes God sends you angels.

I bought a cheap watch from a crazy man
Floating down canal
It doesn't use numbers or moving hands
It always just says now
Now you may be thinking that I was had
But this watch is never wrong
And If I have trouble the warranty said
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, we've seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain leaking through the door, tides at war

If a hurricane doesn't leave you dead
It will make you strong
Don't try to explain it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

[Guitar Solo]

And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain buried the 9th Ward to the 2nd floor

According to my watch the time is now
Past is dead and gone
Don't try to shake it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

Don't try to shake it just bow your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

I'm breathing.

Who amongst you wants to break my fingers?

Stomp on my keyboard?

Shut off my electricity?

Make me stop?

See the reason I need a boyfriend is so that I have someone to write these long long letters too. LOL....

So today was supposed to be the last of the two week window but then later I told him to take as long as he likes with the added comment that basically I might be still here or I might not be. Way to put my foot down right?

Would someone please remind me what I say in these situations?

You know what really is annoying?!?! I'm getting my head together. I'm finding all the pieces to my heart. I have gone two whole days without crying or thinking over much about him. He's still invading my sleep. I have enough problems with sleep. He needs to get out of it!!! I wake up sad, then see the sunshine and I know my world is going to be ok....but I want to wake up happy again.

Puhlease no one tell me that its only been two weeks. In my world that is a long time. I fall down, I get up, I trip again. That is how it works.

When the kids were little I used all kinds of tricks to keep them from having bad dreams. They inherited it from me. I wanted them to feel *in control* even while they slept. I've even had them sleep with a remote so they could *change the channel*. Another thing we did was plan our dreams. We would come up with a script wherein my children came out the victor in their nightly battles.

If I were to employ that trick, would I be truly evil if I imagined He-who-must-not-be-named being castrated while while getting bitten by his next ex? Would it be more socially acceptable for him to be hit by a train? Normally I am not worried about being PC, but I don't want to warp my mind any more than necessary. I just want to get him out of my head.

Perhaps you have a better suggestion? I don't have a problem asking for a ghost writer to make a ghost out of the shadow. Seems appropriate somehow.

You know Einstein said something to the effect that our thoughts were more powerful than our actions. What a concept!

:::::evil grin disguised as a sweet smile::::::

I don't wanna go to work. I want to playyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! It is too sunny to be cooped up. I want to clean up my yard (but I need a rake) and I want to put my screens in (I don't know how but I'll figure it out). I definitely need to wash my windows. I wish I didn't need money so I could have more time. :::sigh::::

Well I guess I better start getting ready. I'm supposed to work 11-7 but I think if I get there early I might get out earlier too....

I feel like scheming.

Crying doesn't make it better.

What is hope anyway but the triumph over fear?

I think I still have it, maybe not for the things I want to have it for, but I have hope still. I have hope that I can stand tall again and get a grip on my life. I have hope that I can find my pride and put my heart back together. I am a grown up after all.

All my life I've known what to do when someone damaged me. I would cut them out of my life completely, I walked away and never looked back at those who harmed me.

A person could cease to exist in my own little world.

Events could be completely erased in my head.

Its been a life saver and a sanity saver.

I still know of the events and people, but it is like they happened to someone else, like I read it in a book.

I just refuse to remember. I know of at least 20 times I've done this.

Only once has it ever left any lasting damage to me and so I am stuck with 2 phobias that I am constantly fighting while yet still unwilling to actually rememember the event that caused them.

Truth be told, I've made so many adjustments that it isn't really necessary for me to overcome my convenient memory loss. I've found numerous ways to improvise.

I can't think of one good reason to remember. No good can come of it.

I can't do it at will though. I wish I could right now.

It hurts to remember.

I can't forget him when he keeps appearing.

I can't erase him from my heart and mind when it seems as though he is engraved there.

I can't fight him when he uses my own weapons (words) to hypnotise me.

I can't figure out what he wants or expects from me.

All I know is he isn't saying he wants me in his life. He infers it though.

He knows how deeply I read things, he fills his excuses with veiled hope and shrouded regret.

I don't know whether its intentional or not. He's smarter than I am. Not by much though.

I don't dare focus on the fact that maybe he is regretful and wants me to continue to hope for us. I don't want to be stupid. I've been stupid enough.

I know I am the one who chose to walk away.
I didn't cause the pain though and I didn't cause the fear that brought it.
I tried to fight it. I didn't win.
The fear was bigger than my hope.

At least I actually did something instead of sitting around whining about how scared I was that I would lose him and every dream I had. I fought to keep it. I just lost.

I asked him to stop writing me last night, I know I can't go on like this.

Its torture. Part of me wishes I didn't. I am still watching the mailbox, but the longer it goes empty the more distance there will be.

I've always hated the distance between us. It is the root of our problems. Now I am grateful because the distance might be the only way I can pretend it all didn't happen.

I tried to save him, I tried to save us....all that's left to save is me.

Quid pro quo

To be honest, I don't know whether we've broken up or not. We have serious issues though. No contact for 3 days and the previous 2 days were not so hot.

He's been swearing he loves me from day one. He still is. I love him, at least I love what he lets me love. I don't believe he loves me. I think he is fooling himself. He wants to love someone but he is afraid to let anyone actually into his life. He pretends pretty well.

See I don't think a person is capable of loving someone they don't trust.

I don't want to be a secret. Yet while he is a part of my life....I am not a part of his.

It feels untruthful. I'm not willing to be a part of anyone's lie, even if the one they are lieing to is themself.

I explained my current situation and my feelings about these matters to him in much greater detail.

His answer was that he was afraid that he or his children might be hurt by actions I've given no indication I would do, someone else did those things to him.

In a nutshell, he wants to be in my life, be friends with Walter and for me to keep out of his life.

It doesn't work that way with me. One person can not do all the sharing. It is unbalanced.

There is no room for fear in a relationship. You can not love a person you are afraid of.

I told him off pretty good in my last 2 emails to him. I told him to take a couple of weeks to figure out what he wanted his life to be and who he wanted in it. If he doesn't call by then I will know I am not it.

I will move on. Immediately as always. Life is too short to be lonely. I will say *Next*. I just need a definitive answer from him, either by his words and actions inviting me to into his life, for real this time, or by the lack of them. I'm prepared to go in either direction.

Its ironic, that the very thing he was afraid I would do to him, cause pain to him and his children, is the very thing he has done to Walter and me.

I think the thing that makes me angry (and I do have some anger) is that I questioned him extensively (BEFORE I ever got serious with him) about his last relationship and whether or not he was really over it. Its been over a year, according to him, since its been over. She's moved on and he indicated he was more than ready to do the same. I've been as honest with him about what I want out of life as I am in this blog, he said he wanted the same. He's lieing to someone....it doesn't matter whether its him or me.

I want to believe that he loved me, at least in the beginning. It sucks to think I've been fooled. there was never any need to lie to me. I would have kept my feelings in check then, but I still would have dated him. He's a perfectly wonderful man except for all this BS. I have no idea what happened to change things. It wasn't me. I haven't played any jealousy games nor have I hidden anything from him. I don't understand the reason he doesn't want to let this relationship go where it would have already gone naturally had we lived closer together.

Things are worth working out if he comes to his senses. If he doesn't, I can't be sorry about our time together but I will never speak with him again. I will miss him. I could never settle for friendship. It would never be enough.

I think he's being foolish if his words were not all lies. If he spoke the truth even half the time he's going to find out that most women are not like me, and the ones who are have been taken a long time ago. Especially in this area. I don't know about my chances either.

That's the whole part of this thing that makes me so sad. I will love again, but not so fearlessly. At least I've finished crying.

Fear is not an option.

From the movie *The Princess Diaries*

In a letter to his daughter, Mia, the deceased Eduard Christoff Philippe GErard Renaldi, Prince of Genovia wrote:

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is
more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not
live at all.

I like movies like that, my inner child comes out (She is still 11 and waiting for Grandpa's next visit) and her heart and mind are open to all the good lessons that these modern day fables can teach. She isn't cynical and still believes in happily ever after. She hasn't lived that much of my life yet.

My Grandpa used to tell me that when I was really afraid that I only had three options. The first was to stand still and let it overtake me. Surrender. Let fear win and I would lose. The second was to run from it. Ignore it, but he said it wouldn't go away, it would always be right there behind me and I would always feel it breathing down my neck. The fear would hunt me down until it completely took over my life. The final choice was to fight it. Face it nose to nose and stand a chance at beating it. He told me that when I get knocked down I can lay there or I can get up and walk again.

Grandpa wasn't much for sissies or cowards. I'm not much for them either.

I understand fear though. I have two phobias I have yet to overcome from a childhood incident (which is why my Grandpa actually had this talk with me when I refused to get into a rowboat because I am afraid of drowning...I got in by the way, with a life jacket). I'm not as afraid as I once was of drowning and/or being lost, but I still have a way to go.

My fears are valid fears, based on this incident where I was lost and did nearly drown. I was only 4 years old and unable to save myself. My fears are NOT unfounded.

Right now I can swim in pools, not well, but as long as I know I can save myself I am ok. I will go up to my neck in larger bodies of water but my heart is pounding. I love boating now, and I don't have to have a life jacket on, just nearby.

As a young child, I was afraid to walk down the street. I go new places often now. Its never easy and seldom very far just yet, though I have driven across State. One day I will go farther. I fill my car with things that make people laugh, a whole bottle of brake fluid for instance, also transmission fluid, antifreeze, and oil, food, water, a telephone, map and a compass. Usually there are blankets and a change of clothing. If I could afford GPS I would have that too. This is even for the city where I live. Still I will drive if I have a valid reason to go somewhere, I just have to be able to survive being lost.

Trying to swim and trying not to get lost are both still capable of knocking me on my ass with a panic attack which often goes into an asthma attack. I deal with the attacks. I fight my fear.

I don't let fear beat me. One day I will knock fear completely on its Ass too....I will swim in deep water and I will travel at least across the country to see the Grand Canyon or something by myself.

I tell you all this because it is an explanation as to why I am not reading you right now and spending so much time writing (though the posts are yet to come). I am trying to get strong by purging all that which weakens me. I am fighting fear right now....and I am not winning. I probably won't. The fear *has come upon me*, to quote Job.

I've been crying a lot. My eyes are like dimpled tomatoes right now. All swollen and red. I can't sleep and eating is feast or famine. My thoughts are fast and furious and scrambling up my head.

I had to make a really tough choice. I am not going to go all melodramatic here and say that I will never get over it. I will. I won't say it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It wasn't. I won't swear that I can never love another. Love is what I do. I will say that I have never felt so sad though. I have this feeling of loss and helplessness. I feel pity and sympathy for someone that I cannot reach out to because a wall of fear separates us.

I'm not a crying person. You have never even seen me write that I have cried anything but tears of joy when Celia was safe from the hurricane. It surprises me to cry like this. It surprises me that I am willing to admit it. I just have no other reaction in me.

I prefer anger. Anger makes me stronger. If I am mad enough I will fight, I will fight dirty. I'm a scrapper from way back. I'm the kid that hollered at God himself when life wasn't the way it should be.

But I can't fight this. His fear is stronger than I am. I am beaten by it.

I'm crying because I am whipped by fear and it isn't even my own.

My love life as explained by music videos...

Gawd....I love You Tube....

I miss the old MTV




hard to ignore the truth.....




The title says it all....and hey its got a great beat and you can dance to it (I should know I did it for way too long)

I've had my share of disappointments......



I played the blame game a time or two......





Made some really bad choices





Flirted a bit too much a time or two....




I really don't mean it.....


Now I am chasing storms.....looking for hope....





Hey...I'll be back later....I just seen a leprechaun....maybe he can lead me to that rainbow....

I'm not chasing after the pot of gold....

Just one man who is



Hey.....hey..... WAIT UP!!!!

And the lonliness hits again

The problem about the winter holidays is that I become reflective and introspective. I am very lonely. I don't quite fit in with my family. I don't quite fit in with my friends. My children no longer need me the way they did when they were young. I am aching to give this love I have to someone. Positively aching from carrying it around inside me. I need to matter more. I need to feel needed and wanted. I need to feel important to one person.

I'm *talking* with several guys now. Most of them I really like, 2 in particular. They both say everything I want them to say or thought I wanted to hear from a man. My type of manly men. Cavemen. (Can't y'all just see me being drug around by my hair?)....but cavemen with raw emotion and open hearts. Men who keep wanting to meet me and more. They make no secret of wanting everything I could offer them. They think I am smart and seem to hang on every word I say...and remember it and quote it back to me days later. They are obviously sexually attracted to me. They want to actually meet me...to date me..... I shouldn't be complaining. I should want to meet them. I should be willing to adjust my schedule a bit. I shouldn't be hesitant. Some other lucky lady will be snatching them up if I don't.

I should care more.

I wonder if I am being fair by even representing myself as available and looking for a real relationship.

I'm not completely sure that I am.

The problem is I don't have as much a connection with them as with *D*, whom I'm still talking to. He's proving very difficult to get over. It doesn't help that he calls me every chance he gets, despite the fact that I've called a halt to our *relationship* as it were. I can't not take his calls. He is important to me. He matters. Even if I don't want him to.

We have talked out some of our problems over this long week.

Our last disagreement proved to be less a serious issue than I thought. Still the fact that our communication skills with each other are so poor could be a bad sign of things to come. Communication is absolutely everything if you want a relationship that lasts.

It turned out to be huge misunderstanding about something he said on my part, and a serious bad judgment on his. It dealt with sexual issues (not phone sex)...and y'all know I have some serious issues in that area. I am not sure of the extent of either of our errors just yet or whether or not they can be overcome. When we approach the subject we are both hurt and guarded.

As he states it, "We don't argue, we debate....everytime we talk its a debate". He has a point. I've never argued so much with someone in my life. We bicker constantly but truth be told, its like we are inside each other's head and we call each other out on the BS. Even when we argue, there is this affection. Seriously. We can't be mad at each other, just hurt by each other. Which we do way too much. We have a weird connection. We finish each others thoughts and sentences. I know when he's thinking of me and when its him on the phone before I answer. Its unnerving really. For him and for me. We fight and I call everything off but we end up online at the same time or I pick up the phone and it rings in my hand. We can't seem to let this die a natural death. I'm not sure it is a natural thing sometimes....Its like the Devil himself is playing with me.

I don't actually love him, but I do love parts about him (no we have not been physical). I would fall for him, if I wasn't so careful to analyse myself and remember what I need and what I want just about all the time. I talk myself out of it. He hasn't offered to be that man for me yet. He may not ever, even though I know he wants to be. I want and need a lot in my next and hopefully last romantic relationship. Even if he does want to be that man, he could have wants and needs of his own that I will be unable to meet. I may not be the woman he needs. We never say words of love to each other. We are not the types to admit defeat, and to our way of thinking it may spell that at this point. I don't know if we ever will be brave enough to say them. I know he feels the same about me though. I can hear it in the silences when we talk. He says everything but that. I don't say these words to him because I can't. Not feeling it yet. Not ready to open completely for him. I can't lay my heart on the line until I know his is there right next to it.

I want him to say it first. I'm pretty sure he wants it to be me. Call it a stand-off. Maybe we are both to0 fucked in the head to be able to make this work. I have to wonder why we are even trying sometimes. I have to wonder if I am crazy to keep talking to him when he isn't reaching out for more.

That is why I am talking to more than one man and trying to keep myself unentangled sexually until I find *the* one that I think I could develop a lifetime relationship with. I may hope it will be *D*, but until and unless I KNOW it, I have to keep looking because I keep needing.

I need to hear the words *I love you* and see it in a man's eyes. I need to feel it in his touch. I need to know it by his actions. I'm holding out for this concrete magic. Maybe it will come from *D*, maybe not. Maybe we are just destined to have this weird affinity with each other. I wish I knew, but until I do I am still looking for someone who will love me.....even when I'm ugly. I'm looking for someone who likes me from the inside out. Someone who wants to take all that I give and give it back to me. Someone who will admit that he wants what I offer and be willing to give me what I need. Someone who wants the real thing. Forever. Someone who is willing to make it happen.

Don't get me wrong. Right now I am mostly just emailing other men. Meeting over coffee. Sharing a kiss at the end. *D* was the last real date I went on....then before we could date again the *conversational incident* happened that has me rethinking and reevaluating everything all over again.

Part of me hopes to find someone else that I can relate to on at least the same mental/emotional degree I have with *D*. but with someone who is more willing to throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet. Part of me wonders why *D* is not and if I should just stop trying to find someone else and work solely on the man in question.

Note to self: It is unwise to have a serious discussion of any type while drugged on cold medicine and speaking with someone who is also a bit tipsy. Not good. Also not good is firing off a break-up email before discussing it soberly because I am impatient and he isn't the best guy in the world for calling on a regular basis (though AFTER that email he has been).

So tonight I am lonely. I could fix it with someone easy if I wanted to....but I want more. I might even want too much.

The thought makes me sad.