Taking Hiatus

Hey buddies....

As you all know I have way too much on my plate now. I need to take a short hiatus from anything that isn't absolutely family or work related until after I get moved and settled in. Probably somewhere around mid-July. I'm ok...just exhausted and having to make some choices. I'll be thinking of y'all often though! Have a great first 1/2 of Summer.


I'll be back.

Dancing with Murphy all week

Thank God Its Friday!!!!

I have worked overtime every day this week (next week will be more of the same). My kid has been difficult. My house is hot and a mess to boot. I'm smoking too much. I have been eating PB sandwiches all week (well except Monday) because I am too tired to cook/the house is too hot to cook in and I don't like hot pockets (thank God Walter loves them). Lots of employees sick or on vacation. No time for visiting with those who are here. I am busy covering spots on top of my already overloaded plate. I guess I probably don't need to mention that I haven't studied, haven't packed, and still haven't finished that IH6.

Yesterday my landlord hassled me to clean up his other tenants mess. No freaking way.

Today S2 and I broke up. One of us probably had to do it. Sometimes wanting a love just isn't enough. I was trying to figure out a way to *make* it work, because honestly he is a perfectly wonderful man, but I have too much stress on me right now to think clearly. Too many pressures this week to spare more than a few minutes a day on a relationship. I'm not sure there is a way anyhow....Kind of kills my whole *where there's a will there's a way* theory. Some mountains just can't be budged.

I took it pretty hard for about 15 minutes then exhaustion overcame me and I just layed on the sofa, stared at the ceiling and crashed. I slept about 3 hours. I needed the healing that comes from sleep. Not that I am happy about this turn of events, but I accept it. I have no anger towards him though as always I wish I did. Anger I can deal with. Disappointment, not so much.

I did get the feeling he thought I may have been unfair to him in this blog. To set the record straight..... I was NOT used in any way, shape or form. He showed me the utmost respect. Showered me with love and affection. He was good and kind towards my son. He's a good man and lots of women would be completely content with him.

Its just really hard to build a real relationship when you can't be involved in each other's lives. I have resolved to NEVER date a man that lives outside my county and I am going to heavily screen any man who lives outside my city.

The truth is, I don't just suck at marriage, I suck at any relationship if we aren't spending any real time together. I don't think I require more time than most women who are coupled up. I don't require doting, but I do like doing things together and hanging out. I am not independent enough to enjoy my own solitude. I need people, including the man in my life, around me once in a while. I am very social and I like interacting. Even my career choices reflect this. I also like a lot of spur-of-the moment activities. Not a big consideration when your man lives a few minutes away, when he lives hours away, well sponteneity takes planning.

S2 also feels that I gave him mixed messages. I dunno maybe he's right. Its kind of a he said/she said situation. Its not the words so much but the assumptions made about what was known at the time and what was actually meant. All in all though, I feel we have been completely honest and open with each other. Besides I confuse myself, no wonder I confuse men. Sometimes things just don't work out. I'm going to leave it at that.

I'm going to miss having him in my life. We intend to still be friends, well at least I think we do. Usually though people just stop communicating.

I went ahead and adjusted my POF profile and put it back online. I don't know why. I really am not interested in dating. Maybe I just want the reassurance that I can if I choose. Those letters are great ego stroking and God knows I could use some. I really don't have time for a relationship right now anyway.

So because I wasted so much time reading and writing and fooling around on the internet (trying to do something mindless because thinking so much is giving me a headache) I've done nothing at all tonight. I think I am going to leave the phone off (i've unplugged it for a couple of days because I haven't been dealing well with these issues) and try to get something done over the weekend if I don't get called in to work.

Guess I will go to bed pretty soon. Tomorrow this week will end and I won't be sorry to see it go.

Sometimes I don't think I know what the Hell I want

but the scary thing is.... I probably know exactly what I want.

I'm going against my gut in so many areas right now. I keep trying to do the right things, the best things. I'm succeeding in just about every area of my life, at least by everyone else's standards but mine. Maybe I am one of those awful people who can't be happy.

I love where I work. I used to love my job, but these promotions they have been giving me are sucking the joy right out of it. Suddenly I am no longer one of the "gang". I'm also forced into a position I don't really want to be in. It feels like I am being groomed to replace someone I'd like to consider a friend. The job is taking up a lot of my time at work and at home. More than I ever planned to give to a job again. I could deal with 40 hours but its not. Its 30 hours (or more if I want) at work and then all the studying and stress and sleepless nights at home worrying about it. I applied for the relatively easy pee-on type job of Front Desk. Not manager, not accounting, not anything else. That is the job I originally accepted. I know I can do the job they have now placed me in. I'm evidently doing it better than everyone else who's had it up to now. People who were more experienced and better educated than I. I should be pleased as punch and proud to boot. There's no satisfaction in it though.

I keep telling myself to "give it time" "don't be stupid" "great opportunity" but I miss having friends and chatting up the guests. I miss coming home all happy from the fun I had at work and wanting more with Walter. I miss the energy that gave me. Now I'm coming home stressed and cranky. Worried about tomorrow. I don't think I am really cut out emotionally for management even if I seem to be good at it. Its taking a hell of a toll on me. Poor Walter! I can't even manage to keep the house up, I never feel like cooking anymore and all I want when I get home is quiet time. I think that will ease up after a couple of months...but my ego is whipped right now nonetheless.

I don't seem to be doing well at all on stopping smoking. I suck at it actually. I don't think I really want to as much as I am trying to convince myself. Part of me likes the defiance too much, plus I really like it. No getting around that right now. I don't have many vices, but this is a major one. I know its bad for me. I know I should want to quit. I watched my cousin die from lung cancer. Scare tactics don't work well on me, besides right now the depressed part of me is liking the damage I think. I don't literally cut my flesh....but I do hurt myself.

I wish I could find that state of mind I was in a few years back. I almost did it for good that time. Nearly a whole year! I love as much as I hate about it. I need to find a way to make the scale less even. I don't smoke much around S2 because he hates that I smoke, but frankly I'm not sure I will show him the absolute courtesy I usually do when he comes by tonight. I have an attitude.

I don't mean too but its like I am feeling tough and mean and ready to take on the world if I get one more rule thrust at me. I had hope that his masculinity would tame me a bit and I would listen to him and get all feminine and stuff...doesn't seem to be working out that way. Not his fault. He really is a dream-boat. Something is wrong with me I think. The only men I've ever listened to when I had an attitude were my Grandpa and my first husband. My Grandpa was the strongest man I ever knew and Bo....well Bo probably knew me better than anyone, he tried hard to tame me but in the end it was me who drove him over the edge. He never took my BS though....gotta give credit where credit is due.

And S2...well he is another reason I am beating myself up. I am always fine when he is here, happy to see him and totally devoted to him by the time he leaves. But by the time a week is over without him here, I am chomping at the bit and asking myself why I am involved with him.

Now its been two weeks and I'm really trying to make an effort but failing. Our lives seem so far apart and our attitudes so different. We do have *something", but its only passionate 2 days out of the week. I wonder if its going to be strong enough to test the strands of time and distance. I've promised to get my car fixed and start driving there to see him but to me that is terrifying.

My car isn't great, in fact its pretty unreliable and unlike him I don't make 6 digits or very nearly annually. I can't afford to worry about it so much when I can mostly walk everywhere I need to be. I have a kid that lives with me 24/7 and all you parents know how much that costs. I also have less time than he does whether or not he sees it. Then I tell myself I am a fool for not wanting to put out more effort. Here I have this tall handsome man who is apparently in-love with me, he's successful and quite a wonderful, sensitive and caring man. Absense should be making my heart grow fonder not making my feet itch. I absolutely adore his youngest child too. It would be great to be part of that child's life.

The problem is I don't like not having a man around. I am one of *those* women who feel incomplete without a man. I don't care if its not PC these days. I wasn't raised to change my own oil and frankly, I have little desire to learn unless some man is by my side teaching me all he knows about cars so we can spend more time together. I'd rather pay the $35 and get it changed at the station....but even more I'd rather spend the $35 doing something special for the man who does it for me because he loves me (even if he just takes it to the station). I want that kind of normal in the worst way. Why do I keep falling into these long distance relationships? I'm starting to develop a pattern.

Am I not as over the distrust thing as I tell myself I am? I feel like I sabotage myself. True enough S2 is really every woman's dream. He's close to being mine. All it would take is a few more bleeding knuckles (little more machismo) and about 70 less miles.

The problem is I don't want to move there. I don't. I love this town as much as I hate it sometimes. Its my home. Except for 6 misspent years in Stepford, I've lived in it all my life. I'll probably die here too. Hell in my death instructions to my daughter I have asked her to go to the rooftop of the tallest building in town (currently the one I work in) and scatter my ashes to the 4 winds because that is probably all the traveling I will ever do. It was meant seriously, but tongue in cheek (I would like to travel but I always planned on coming home).

Even if I was willing to move it would still be 4 more years because I am not going to move Walter out of this town during his High School years. Stability. Not to mention, it isn't what S2 wants either.

He holds out the promise of one year to me like a turkey on a platter. Provided we last that long he says. "If we stay together a year". I respond the way he wants me to, even though I am not feeling it after 2 days. Part of me is insulted. Men fall at my feet. How does he not realize this? I kick them aside and go after the ones who don't. If that was the be-all and end-all of my life I could live with any number of guys right now. Today.

Its not that great of an offer. He's saying to me "If you love me for one year and I don't find you to be a total pain in the ass and think we can be together for more than 2 days a week then I will give you the unsurpassed honor of quitting your job, leaving all your family and friends, uprooting your child and moving to a strange city where you know not one person so you can find another job and you and your child can start your life all over again in my house."

Helluva offer. Not that I have any feelings left for Bo, but let me tell you he knew he wanted me when he was 6 years old and I spurned him the first time. Most of the other men I've been with or even just dated (at least 90% of them) have pretty much acted the same. I am used to being the unsurpassed honor, being the one chased and I like it that way.

Right now this relationship seems to take a lot of work. Maybe its wrong to expect a good relationship to be effortless, but it shouldn't be stressful or feel like work either. So I am back to wondering what kind of game I am playing at. I don't even know if its fair for me to go on with this relationship. I don't want to break it off though. I want to love Scott. I believe he loves me. I also hate dating. I want to believe we can work things out because when we are together its magical. It just doesn't hold up to well Monday through Friday.

Know what would be perfect for me? To fall in love with the guy next door. Except there is no guy next door (not one where I am moving either).

Moving....there's another problem...not much better off than I was the last time I wrote. I have to quit procrastinating. I have to pull myself out of this funk and get my laundry caught up, my house cleaned up, and my shit boxed up. I need a drill sargeant I think. I have no ambition lately. I need more music and less attitude probably.

So on that note I am going to sign out and clean up this mess so S2 doesn't know how I've really been living. Yeah it still matters even with my relationship doubts. Hopefully he will come late enough that I can finish a rudimentary clean job, get a shower and catch up on your blogs before he gets here. He didn't sound really that enthusiastic about it so maybe....