Happy Valentine's Day

Ahhhhhh the love....the romance of it all....

To all of you lucky in love I wish you many glorious Valentine Days to come.

To all of you not-so-lucky ones, like me, I offer you a bit of solace to make your Valentine's Day the best it has ever been....

Dancing with Murphy all week

Thank God Its Friday!!!!

I have worked overtime every day this week (next week will be more of the same). My kid has been difficult. My house is hot and a mess to boot. I'm smoking too much. I have been eating PB sandwiches all week (well except Monday) because I am too tired to cook/the house is too hot to cook in and I don't like hot pockets (thank God Walter loves them). Lots of employees sick or on vacation. No time for visiting with those who are here. I am busy covering spots on top of my already overloaded plate. I guess I probably don't need to mention that I haven't studied, haven't packed, and still haven't finished that IH6.

Yesterday my landlord hassled me to clean up his other tenants mess. No freaking way.

Today S2 and I broke up. One of us probably had to do it. Sometimes wanting a love just isn't enough. I was trying to figure out a way to *make* it work, because honestly he is a perfectly wonderful man, but I have too much stress on me right now to think clearly. Too many pressures this week to spare more than a few minutes a day on a relationship. I'm not sure there is a way anyhow....Kind of kills my whole *where there's a will there's a way* theory. Some mountains just can't be budged.

I took it pretty hard for about 15 minutes then exhaustion overcame me and I just layed on the sofa, stared at the ceiling and crashed. I slept about 3 hours. I needed the healing that comes from sleep. Not that I am happy about this turn of events, but I accept it. I have no anger towards him though as always I wish I did. Anger I can deal with. Disappointment, not so much.

I did get the feeling he thought I may have been unfair to him in this blog. To set the record straight..... I was NOT used in any way, shape or form. He showed me the utmost respect. Showered me with love and affection. He was good and kind towards my son. He's a good man and lots of women would be completely content with him.

Its just really hard to build a real relationship when you can't be involved in each other's lives. I have resolved to NEVER date a man that lives outside my county and I am going to heavily screen any man who lives outside my city.

The truth is, I don't just suck at marriage, I suck at any relationship if we aren't spending any real time together. I don't think I require more time than most women who are coupled up. I don't require doting, but I do like doing things together and hanging out. I am not independent enough to enjoy my own solitude. I need people, including the man in my life, around me once in a while. I am very social and I like interacting. Even my career choices reflect this. I also like a lot of spur-of-the moment activities. Not a big consideration when your man lives a few minutes away, when he lives hours away, well sponteneity takes planning.

S2 also feels that I gave him mixed messages. I dunno maybe he's right. Its kind of a he said/she said situation. Its not the words so much but the assumptions made about what was known at the time and what was actually meant. All in all though, I feel we have been completely honest and open with each other. Besides I confuse myself, no wonder I confuse men. Sometimes things just don't work out. I'm going to leave it at that.

I'm going to miss having him in my life. We intend to still be friends, well at least I think we do. Usually though people just stop communicating.

I went ahead and adjusted my POF profile and put it back online. I don't know why. I really am not interested in dating. Maybe I just want the reassurance that I can if I choose. Those letters are great ego stroking and God knows I could use some. I really don't have time for a relationship right now anyway.

So because I wasted so much time reading and writing and fooling around on the internet (trying to do something mindless because thinking so much is giving me a headache) I've done nothing at all tonight. I think I am going to leave the phone off (i've unplugged it for a couple of days because I haven't been dealing well with these issues) and try to get something done over the weekend if I don't get called in to work.

Guess I will go to bed pretty soon. Tomorrow this week will end and I won't be sorry to see it go.

Sometimes I don't think I know what the Hell I want

but the scary thing is.... I probably know exactly what I want.

I'm going against my gut in so many areas right now. I keep trying to do the right things, the best things. I'm succeeding in just about every area of my life, at least by everyone else's standards but mine. Maybe I am one of those awful people who can't be happy.

I love where I work. I used to love my job, but these promotions they have been giving me are sucking the joy right out of it. Suddenly I am no longer one of the "gang". I'm also forced into a position I don't really want to be in. It feels like I am being groomed to replace someone I'd like to consider a friend. The job is taking up a lot of my time at work and at home. More than I ever planned to give to a job again. I could deal with 40 hours but its not. Its 30 hours (or more if I want) at work and then all the studying and stress and sleepless nights at home worrying about it. I applied for the relatively easy pee-on type job of Front Desk. Not manager, not accounting, not anything else. That is the job I originally accepted. I know I can do the job they have now placed me in. I'm evidently doing it better than everyone else who's had it up to now. People who were more experienced and better educated than I. I should be pleased as punch and proud to boot. There's no satisfaction in it though.

I keep telling myself to "give it time" "don't be stupid" "great opportunity" but I miss having friends and chatting up the guests. I miss coming home all happy from the fun I had at work and wanting more with Walter. I miss the energy that gave me. Now I'm coming home stressed and cranky. Worried about tomorrow. I don't think I am really cut out emotionally for management even if I seem to be good at it. Its taking a hell of a toll on me. Poor Walter! I can't even manage to keep the house up, I never feel like cooking anymore and all I want when I get home is quiet time. I think that will ease up after a couple of months...but my ego is whipped right now nonetheless.

I don't seem to be doing well at all on stopping smoking. I suck at it actually. I don't think I really want to as much as I am trying to convince myself. Part of me likes the defiance too much, plus I really like it. No getting around that right now. I don't have many vices, but this is a major one. I know its bad for me. I know I should want to quit. I watched my cousin die from lung cancer. Scare tactics don't work well on me, besides right now the depressed part of me is liking the damage I think. I don't literally cut my flesh....but I do hurt myself.

I wish I could find that state of mind I was in a few years back. I almost did it for good that time. Nearly a whole year! I love as much as I hate about it. I need to find a way to make the scale less even. I don't smoke much around S2 because he hates that I smoke, but frankly I'm not sure I will show him the absolute courtesy I usually do when he comes by tonight. I have an attitude.

I don't mean too but its like I am feeling tough and mean and ready to take on the world if I get one more rule thrust at me. I had hope that his masculinity would tame me a bit and I would listen to him and get all feminine and stuff...doesn't seem to be working out that way. Not his fault. He really is a dream-boat. Something is wrong with me I think. The only men I've ever listened to when I had an attitude were my Grandpa and my first husband. My Grandpa was the strongest man I ever knew and Bo....well Bo probably knew me better than anyone, he tried hard to tame me but in the end it was me who drove him over the edge. He never took my BS though....gotta give credit where credit is due.

And S2...well he is another reason I am beating myself up. I am always fine when he is here, happy to see him and totally devoted to him by the time he leaves. But by the time a week is over without him here, I am chomping at the bit and asking myself why I am involved with him.

Now its been two weeks and I'm really trying to make an effort but failing. Our lives seem so far apart and our attitudes so different. We do have *something", but its only passionate 2 days out of the week. I wonder if its going to be strong enough to test the strands of time and distance. I've promised to get my car fixed and start driving there to see him but to me that is terrifying.

My car isn't great, in fact its pretty unreliable and unlike him I don't make 6 digits or very nearly annually. I can't afford to worry about it so much when I can mostly walk everywhere I need to be. I have a kid that lives with me 24/7 and all you parents know how much that costs. I also have less time than he does whether or not he sees it. Then I tell myself I am a fool for not wanting to put out more effort. Here I have this tall handsome man who is apparently in-love with me, he's successful and quite a wonderful, sensitive and caring man. Absense should be making my heart grow fonder not making my feet itch. I absolutely adore his youngest child too. It would be great to be part of that child's life.

The problem is I don't like not having a man around. I am one of *those* women who feel incomplete without a man. I don't care if its not PC these days. I wasn't raised to change my own oil and frankly, I have little desire to learn unless some man is by my side teaching me all he knows about cars so we can spend more time together. I'd rather pay the $35 and get it changed at the station....but even more I'd rather spend the $35 doing something special for the man who does it for me because he loves me (even if he just takes it to the station). I want that kind of normal in the worst way. Why do I keep falling into these long distance relationships? I'm starting to develop a pattern.

Am I not as over the distrust thing as I tell myself I am? I feel like I sabotage myself. True enough S2 is really every woman's dream. He's close to being mine. All it would take is a few more bleeding knuckles (little more machismo) and about 70 less miles.

The problem is I don't want to move there. I don't. I love this town as much as I hate it sometimes. Its my home. Except for 6 misspent years in Stepford, I've lived in it all my life. I'll probably die here too. Hell in my death instructions to my daughter I have asked her to go to the rooftop of the tallest building in town (currently the one I work in) and scatter my ashes to the 4 winds because that is probably all the traveling I will ever do. It was meant seriously, but tongue in cheek (I would like to travel but I always planned on coming home).

Even if I was willing to move it would still be 4 more years because I am not going to move Walter out of this town during his High School years. Stability. Not to mention, it isn't what S2 wants either.

He holds out the promise of one year to me like a turkey on a platter. Provided we last that long he says. "If we stay together a year". I respond the way he wants me to, even though I am not feeling it after 2 days. Part of me is insulted. Men fall at my feet. How does he not realize this? I kick them aside and go after the ones who don't. If that was the be-all and end-all of my life I could live with any number of guys right now. Today.

Its not that great of an offer. He's saying to me "If you love me for one year and I don't find you to be a total pain in the ass and think we can be together for more than 2 days a week then I will give you the unsurpassed honor of quitting your job, leaving all your family and friends, uprooting your child and moving to a strange city where you know not one person so you can find another job and you and your child can start your life all over again in my house."

Helluva offer. Not that I have any feelings left for Bo, but let me tell you he knew he wanted me when he was 6 years old and I spurned him the first time. Most of the other men I've been with or even just dated (at least 90% of them) have pretty much acted the same. I am used to being the unsurpassed honor, being the one chased and I like it that way.

Right now this relationship seems to take a lot of work. Maybe its wrong to expect a good relationship to be effortless, but it shouldn't be stressful or feel like work either. So I am back to wondering what kind of game I am playing at. I don't even know if its fair for me to go on with this relationship. I don't want to break it off though. I want to love Scott. I believe he loves me. I also hate dating. I want to believe we can work things out because when we are together its magical. It just doesn't hold up to well Monday through Friday.

Know what would be perfect for me? To fall in love with the guy next door. Except there is no guy next door (not one where I am moving either).

Moving....there's another problem...not much better off than I was the last time I wrote. I have to quit procrastinating. I have to pull myself out of this funk and get my laundry caught up, my house cleaned up, and my shit boxed up. I need a drill sargeant I think. I have no ambition lately. I need more music and less attitude probably.

So on that note I am going to sign out and clean up this mess so S2 doesn't know how I've really been living. Yeah it still matters even with my relationship doubts. Hopefully he will come late enough that I can finish a rudimentary clean job, get a shower and catch up on your blogs before he gets here. He didn't sound really that enthusiastic about it so maybe....

Personal Updates

I'm tired...forgive me....just going to make a list.

1. Made a new friend, Stacy. We are twins beneath the skin (read she is 4 inches taller, black and a whole lot cuter...but we both have a wacky sense of humor and high intelligence). Our first hang-out time we went to a local non-meat-market bar and had some french fries and a couple of drinks. An ugly, OLD, weird white guy kept hitting on her. Long story short....after I let her suffer for a few, I leaned into her, whispered in her ear...just pretend we are gay, and then I stroked her back and shoulder ever so sensuously...shared a few words and watched the ugly, OLD, weird white guy scurry out. It was hilarious. Look for more fun retellings soon.

2. I'm doing better on house cleaning.

3. I'm doing worse on quitting smoking.

4. My sister still hasn't picked up her damned cats. I swear I am going to cook some exotic cuisine here pretty soon.

5. Walter and Danielle broke up, it wasn't mean though. Still friends. YAY that they are friends and that it was so easy to take.

6. S'posed to meet a sometime commenter on this very blog this coming weekend. I met him on POF and we share a lot of commonalities, including autistic family members. I've considered him a friend for a long while. I'm looking way forward to it. He's a really funny, nice man.

7. I've been spending an inordinate amount of time lately doing favors for my friends and family. Right now I am trying to fix not 1 but 3 computers....Figures that not even one of them is an easy fix right? I need to finish an Estate for Dennis (the old boss), I am preparing some fliers for another friend.

8. I have a lot of studying to do that I am procrastinating about regarding the new position. Someone tell me to quit playing around and take it serious OK?

9. I'm looking at men as something other than Fate's weapon against me these days. I've made the conscious choice not to wax poetic about a budding romance in this forum again (not because of you people, but because of me being embarrassed about being stupid), but its safe to say that I am interested in pursuing romance again. When I actually commit to just one and I am positive it is going to last a while, I'll let you in on it.

10. I've decided to move in June hopefully. I'm hoping to work out something with Dennis regarding his apartments. He's been wanting me to manage them for cut rate rent, but I want two of the apartments....not just one. I need a bit more space than he thinks. More negotiations. One way or another I am moving out of this dump. Going to start packing this week.

11. Work is going to be killer the next 2 months or so.

12. For those who asked, my new blog links are there to the right of this screen under *My Words* Most of them are just reposts or rewritten snippets from this blog or the old one. at this point, but henceforth it should mostly be new stuff.

So please forgive my frequent absences from this forum and yours....Maybe I will have it all together again sometime yet this Summer!

Wish me luck!

Who amongst you wants to break my fingers?

Stomp on my keyboard?

Shut off my electricity?

Make me stop?

See the reason I need a boyfriend is so that I have someone to write these long long letters too. LOL....

So today was supposed to be the last of the two week window but then later I told him to take as long as he likes with the added comment that basically I might be still here or I might not be. Way to put my foot down right?

Would someone please remind me what I say in these situations?

You know what really is annoying?!?! I'm getting my head together. I'm finding all the pieces to my heart. I have gone two whole days without crying or thinking over much about him. He's still invading my sleep. I have enough problems with sleep. He needs to get out of it!!! I wake up sad, then see the sunshine and I know my world is going to be ok....but I want to wake up happy again.

Puhlease no one tell me that its only been two weeks. In my world that is a long time. I fall down, I get up, I trip again. That is how it works.

When the kids were little I used all kinds of tricks to keep them from having bad dreams. They inherited it from me. I wanted them to feel *in control* even while they slept. I've even had them sleep with a remote so they could *change the channel*. Another thing we did was plan our dreams. We would come up with a script wherein my children came out the victor in their nightly battles.

If I were to employ that trick, would I be truly evil if I imagined He-who-must-not-be-named being castrated while while getting bitten by his next ex? Would it be more socially acceptable for him to be hit by a train? Normally I am not worried about being PC, but I don't want to warp my mind any more than necessary. I just want to get him out of my head.

Perhaps you have a better suggestion? I don't have a problem asking for a ghost writer to make a ghost out of the shadow. Seems appropriate somehow.

You know Einstein said something to the effect that our thoughts were more powerful than our actions. What a concept!

:::::evil grin disguised as a sweet smile::::::

I don't wanna go to work. I want to playyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! It is too sunny to be cooped up. I want to clean up my yard (but I need a rake) and I want to put my screens in (I don't know how but I'll figure it out). I definitely need to wash my windows. I wish I didn't need money so I could have more time. :::sigh::::

Well I guess I better start getting ready. I'm supposed to work 11-7 but I think if I get there early I might get out earlier too....

I feel like scheming.

Crying doesn't make it better.

What is hope anyway but the triumph over fear?

I think I still have it, maybe not for the things I want to have it for, but I have hope still. I have hope that I can stand tall again and get a grip on my life. I have hope that I can find my pride and put my heart back together. I am a grown up after all.

All my life I've known what to do when someone damaged me. I would cut them out of my life completely, I walked away and never looked back at those who harmed me.

A person could cease to exist in my own little world.

Events could be completely erased in my head.

Its been a life saver and a sanity saver.

I still know of the events and people, but it is like they happened to someone else, like I read it in a book.

I just refuse to remember. I know of at least 20 times I've done this.

Only once has it ever left any lasting damage to me and so I am stuck with 2 phobias that I am constantly fighting while yet still unwilling to actually rememember the event that caused them.

Truth be told, I've made so many adjustments that it isn't really necessary for me to overcome my convenient memory loss. I've found numerous ways to improvise.

I can't think of one good reason to remember. No good can come of it.

I can't do it at will though. I wish I could right now.

It hurts to remember.

I can't forget him when he keeps appearing.

I can't erase him from my heart and mind when it seems as though he is engraved there.

I can't fight him when he uses my own weapons (words) to hypnotise me.

I can't figure out what he wants or expects from me.

All I know is he isn't saying he wants me in his life. He infers it though.

He knows how deeply I read things, he fills his excuses with veiled hope and shrouded regret.

I don't know whether its intentional or not. He's smarter than I am. Not by much though.

I don't dare focus on the fact that maybe he is regretful and wants me to continue to hope for us. I don't want to be stupid. I've been stupid enough.

I know I am the one who chose to walk away.
I didn't cause the pain though and I didn't cause the fear that brought it.
I tried to fight it. I didn't win.
The fear was bigger than my hope.

At least I actually did something instead of sitting around whining about how scared I was that I would lose him and every dream I had. I fought to keep it. I just lost.

I asked him to stop writing me last night, I know I can't go on like this.

Its torture. Part of me wishes I didn't. I am still watching the mailbox, but the longer it goes empty the more distance there will be.

I've always hated the distance between us. It is the root of our problems. Now I am grateful because the distance might be the only way I can pretend it all didn't happen.

I tried to save him, I tried to save us....all that's left to save is me.

I'm not as good at this as I thought I was.

I find it is a lot easier to fall in love than it is to fall out of it. It is a lot easier to believe in fairytales than to face truth. It is a lot easier to deal with dreams than to overcome the effects of a nightmare.

My steel spine feels as soft as jello. My heart isn't hard, it is broken.

Words are all I can relate to, all I understand. I'm manipulated, controlled and consoled by 26 letters in the alphabet.

There ought to be more.

I read this today.

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should
just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman

I also read his responses to my scathing e-mails. I stayed strong. It wasn't easy. It should be getting easier. I should be able to delete his emails, or at least not read them. I'd be happy if I could just ignore them and not respond. You know I did. He knows I will too. He knows me so well. I don't know what the purpose is.

There was the usual yadda yadda about my wonderfulness and how I deserve better and how he is so sorry he lost me. Yeah, it was a choice and I can't be that wonderful, because I wasn't the choice he made. He actually got his divorced finalized this past week and a half. Yippee! What does it even matter? As long as I don't matter enough to be part of his life why does he keep writing me?

He also pointed out that his profile was always set to just *dating* and not LTR. Fine maybe I am remembering it wrong. Its hard to keep track of words on screen and words in my ear. I know that we talked about forever and that is definitely a LTR, so it doesn't change the fact that he misrepresented his intentions to me, doesn't matter exactly how.

Do you suppose I am his ego feed? Maybe he is just trying to make his guilt go away by trying to make me feel better. It doesn't work. I only feel worse because I am too smart to believe his words over his actions. It makes me feel worse because I want my heart to be right just once, instead of my head. Maybe he just wants to make me think he didn't mislead me, or that if he did it was unintentional. I still have all his letters though and if I understand anything in life it is the power of those 26 letters in the alphabet.

I hurt all over. I don't want to eat but I am going to binge anyway. Today is for cookies and cake and not for makeup or hair brushing.

More than anything I wish the only man who ever really loved me could hold me once more.

I would crawl up on his lap and bury my face in his chest and cry until I had no tears left.

Somehow he'd make everything all right again.

I miss my Grandpa.

A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~Author Unknown

I took his necklace off my neck today. I thought I was choking. I took off the ankle bracelet too, afraid that I might lose my balance once again.

I don't know what to do with them really. So I put them in their boxes and put the boxes on a shelf I never go to. To give them back I would have to see him. I already know how easily he can convince me with those lighter than blue eyes. Too odd not to stare into and once there I would fall. I can't give them away to anyone I care about. It is like a jinx on them. I can't throw them away because they have a power all their own. Maybe I will pull them out now and again and look at them. Remind myself how hearts can burn and still not feel a thing.

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant. ~Salvador Dalí

Right now I wonder if love really exists. I haven't dated anyone since he broke my heart and probably won't for a while. I'm also not leading anyone on. I don't do that. I give everyone my blog address so they can know the truth.

The countless gold of a merry heart, The rubies and pearls of a loving eye,
The indolent never can bring to the mart, Nor the secret hoard up in his treasury.
~William Blake

I recall how he waxed poetically about how wonderful I am and how I need and deserve so much more than he can give me. Like I didn't know that already. I'm pissed because he misrepresented himself to be that man who would at least try to give me what I need and deserve (not to mention all the love and caring I wanted to give right back) and to be looking for the same things.

He called my love a treasure. Yeah right.

What man would pass up a treasure?

I was a time filler.

That in-between woman who fixes a man's heart so he can love someone else. He never loves the in-between woman because she is the one who saw him when he was weak.

Clasp my love around your neck,Wear my heart on your finger.
My soul will be your pendant: I live to adorn you -
You're the precious one. ~Grey Livingston, "Genuine Adoration"

One thing I did learn, if you pick up the pieces you don't get to keep the whole.

I would rather be adorned by beauty of character
than jewels. Jewels are the gift of fortune,
while character comes from within. ~Titus Maccius Plautus

He talks about how he let me slip through his fingers and not how he shut the door in my face.

He takes no responsibility whatsoever for his own actions or rather lack thereof.

He never admits to deceiving me or playing with my heart. He just makes a veiled reference to the baggage on his ship which I assume means his fear.

Give crowns and pounds and guineas But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies, But keep your fancy free.~A.E. Housman

I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds
on my neck. ~Emma Goldman

In choosing fear over me, he lost a lot more than a couple of pieces of jewelry.

The most precious jewels are not made of stone, but of flesh. ~Robert Ludlum

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur

We choose to love, we do not choose to stop loving.--latin proverb

I stole that quote from a friend of mine (and right now I only have just friends) on the dating site Plenty of Fish (which despite my poor judgment is still a great free dating site).

It really is the perfect quote for him, he is a tough on the outside and soft in the middle type of guy. A perfect quote for that type of site.

I was played. I know this now.

I don't know why he emailed me letters telling me how much he loved me after I called it quits. (that is why I gave him the 2 week window to come to his senses) Some pathetic need to hang onto all the hearts he takes a grab at I guess. I felt so guilty about breaking his poor little heart. I felt bad about giving up so soon and the tough choices I had to make.

I felt like a failure because I couldn't break through his *wall of fear*. That wall is nothing but a prop. That way he can get a woman's full attention without ever having to commit to her or give up any real thing from himself.

He's going to be lonely here in a few years when his children finally grow up.

I felt sorry about that too.

Now I just feel kind of stupid.

I'm going to get over this.....My heart might be made of glass, but my spine is made of steel.

Quid pro quo

To be honest, I don't know whether we've broken up or not. We have serious issues though. No contact for 3 days and the previous 2 days were not so hot.

He's been swearing he loves me from day one. He still is. I love him, at least I love what he lets me love. I don't believe he loves me. I think he is fooling himself. He wants to love someone but he is afraid to let anyone actually into his life. He pretends pretty well.

See I don't think a person is capable of loving someone they don't trust.

I don't want to be a secret. Yet while he is a part of my life....I am not a part of his.

It feels untruthful. I'm not willing to be a part of anyone's lie, even if the one they are lieing to is themself.

I explained my current situation and my feelings about these matters to him in much greater detail.

His answer was that he was afraid that he or his children might be hurt by actions I've given no indication I would do, someone else did those things to him.

In a nutshell, he wants to be in my life, be friends with Walter and for me to keep out of his life.

It doesn't work that way with me. One person can not do all the sharing. It is unbalanced.

There is no room for fear in a relationship. You can not love a person you are afraid of.

I told him off pretty good in my last 2 emails to him. I told him to take a couple of weeks to figure out what he wanted his life to be and who he wanted in it. If he doesn't call by then I will know I am not it.

I will move on. Immediately as always. Life is too short to be lonely. I will say *Next*. I just need a definitive answer from him, either by his words and actions inviting me to into his life, for real this time, or by the lack of them. I'm prepared to go in either direction.

Its ironic, that the very thing he was afraid I would do to him, cause pain to him and his children, is the very thing he has done to Walter and me.

I think the thing that makes me angry (and I do have some anger) is that I questioned him extensively (BEFORE I ever got serious with him) about his last relationship and whether or not he was really over it. Its been over a year, according to him, since its been over. She's moved on and he indicated he was more than ready to do the same. I've been as honest with him about what I want out of life as I am in this blog, he said he wanted the same. He's lieing to someone....it doesn't matter whether its him or me.

I want to believe that he loved me, at least in the beginning. It sucks to think I've been fooled. there was never any need to lie to me. I would have kept my feelings in check then, but I still would have dated him. He's a perfectly wonderful man except for all this BS. I have no idea what happened to change things. It wasn't me. I haven't played any jealousy games nor have I hidden anything from him. I don't understand the reason he doesn't want to let this relationship go where it would have already gone naturally had we lived closer together.

Things are worth working out if he comes to his senses. If he doesn't, I can't be sorry about our time together but I will never speak with him again. I will miss him. I could never settle for friendship. It would never be enough.

I think he's being foolish if his words were not all lies. If he spoke the truth even half the time he's going to find out that most women are not like me, and the ones who are have been taken a long time ago. Especially in this area. I don't know about my chances either.

That's the whole part of this thing that makes me so sad. I will love again, but not so fearlessly. At least I've finished crying.

Fear is not an option.

From the movie *The Princess Diaries*

In a letter to his daughter, Mia, the deceased Eduard Christoff Philippe GErard Renaldi, Prince of Genovia wrote:

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is
more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not
live at all.

I like movies like that, my inner child comes out (She is still 11 and waiting for Grandpa's next visit) and her heart and mind are open to all the good lessons that these modern day fables can teach. She isn't cynical and still believes in happily ever after. She hasn't lived that much of my life yet.

My Grandpa used to tell me that when I was really afraid that I only had three options. The first was to stand still and let it overtake me. Surrender. Let fear win and I would lose. The second was to run from it. Ignore it, but he said it wouldn't go away, it would always be right there behind me and I would always feel it breathing down my neck. The fear would hunt me down until it completely took over my life. The final choice was to fight it. Face it nose to nose and stand a chance at beating it. He told me that when I get knocked down I can lay there or I can get up and walk again.

Grandpa wasn't much for sissies or cowards. I'm not much for them either.

I understand fear though. I have two phobias I have yet to overcome from a childhood incident (which is why my Grandpa actually had this talk with me when I refused to get into a rowboat because I am afraid of drowning...I got in by the way, with a life jacket). I'm not as afraid as I once was of drowning and/or being lost, but I still have a way to go.

My fears are valid fears, based on this incident where I was lost and did nearly drown. I was only 4 years old and unable to save myself. My fears are NOT unfounded.

Right now I can swim in pools, not well, but as long as I know I can save myself I am ok. I will go up to my neck in larger bodies of water but my heart is pounding. I love boating now, and I don't have to have a life jacket on, just nearby.

As a young child, I was afraid to walk down the street. I go new places often now. Its never easy and seldom very far just yet, though I have driven across State. One day I will go farther. I fill my car with things that make people laugh, a whole bottle of brake fluid for instance, also transmission fluid, antifreeze, and oil, food, water, a telephone, map and a compass. Usually there are blankets and a change of clothing. If I could afford GPS I would have that too. This is even for the city where I live. Still I will drive if I have a valid reason to go somewhere, I just have to be able to survive being lost.

Trying to swim and trying not to get lost are both still capable of knocking me on my ass with a panic attack which often goes into an asthma attack. I deal with the attacks. I fight my fear.

I don't let fear beat me. One day I will knock fear completely on its Ass too....I will swim in deep water and I will travel at least across the country to see the Grand Canyon or something by myself.

I tell you all this because it is an explanation as to why I am not reading you right now and spending so much time writing (though the posts are yet to come). I am trying to get strong by purging all that which weakens me. I am fighting fear right now....and I am not winning. I probably won't. The fear *has come upon me*, to quote Job.

I've been crying a lot. My eyes are like dimpled tomatoes right now. All swollen and red. I can't sleep and eating is feast or famine. My thoughts are fast and furious and scrambling up my head.

I had to make a really tough choice. I am not going to go all melodramatic here and say that I will never get over it. I will. I won't say it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It wasn't. I won't swear that I can never love another. Love is what I do. I will say that I have never felt so sad though. I have this feeling of loss and helplessness. I feel pity and sympathy for someone that I cannot reach out to because a wall of fear separates us.

I'm not a crying person. You have never even seen me write that I have cried anything but tears of joy when Celia was safe from the hurricane. It surprises me to cry like this. It surprises me that I am willing to admit it. I just have no other reaction in me.

I prefer anger. Anger makes me stronger. If I am mad enough I will fight, I will fight dirty. I'm a scrapper from way back. I'm the kid that hollered at God himself when life wasn't the way it should be.

But I can't fight this. His fear is stronger than I am. I am beaten by it.

I'm crying because I am whipped by fear and it isn't even my own.

Just a Quick One...

Hey everyone

I've been trying to write something substantial like Lisa has recently...but I am so wrapped up in my love and family lives that I only have bits and pieces put together.... I need to be baking cookies right now because I want to send some home with Scott for his kids, I am giving some to Celia, Billy and their friend for putting tires on my car this weekend and I promised some to a person I know who is working hard to get Celia and Billy a job with a major airline. Serious advancement opportunities!

So I'm not slacking here....just have my priorities right and they are all due about right now.

Today was a great day.... Walter is in a great mood and working hard to control his emotions, and he has been making a concentrated effort on his school work....I am soooooooo proud of my kid for his efforts....Then I was so good at work... It was a good thing because the General Manager is shadowing us. I made not less than 12 priority club memberships while taking reservations. Damn I am sooooooooo good!

:;:sigh::: life is good.

Well I lest my newly found joy bore you all to death.....Lisa is doing some real thinking these days....Go visit her here.

mystery date

Do you remember that game we played when we were girls?

Mystery Date!




That's what its been like.

I didn't get the dud this time.....

He came over, on time well pretty close...he was a few minutes late because he was trying to find flowers as beautiful as me....

:::stop swooning!:::::

I seen him drive up through my window....met him at the front door. I have to tell you I was a bit shaky.

I don't normally shake over a man unless they tick me off.

I let him in.

For a few moments we just stared and then he was kissing me...

I don't even know how it happened.

It was sweet and lovely. I could have melted into the floor.

Then he presented me with candy and the dozen perfect roses.

I put them in a vase and let him kiss me again.

I don't even mind that I'm allergic and he had a sense of humor about it.

That's what sudafed is for right?

He was sweet to Walter. We ate dinner where my sister works. (it was steak for those of you who will ask). He was nice to her too.

We didn't do a whole lot....but we spent time with each other until the wee hours of the morning....eating...drinking (nothing alcoholic) and just *being*. We've been emailing all day again. He'll call me later. I feel like I've known him forever.

He fits me like a favorite sweater....so comfortable and reassuring. How can anything I compare to an old sweater be that and exciting and sexy too?

He just is.

He has a name, not a letter. His name is Scott.

I expect to be seeing a lot of him....

You were right Kathy....he found me.

Got a date this weekend!!!!

I got a date...

::::doin the happy feet dance::::::

told y'all...... I feel lucky!

My love life as explained by music videos...

Gawd....I love You Tube....

I miss the old MTV




hard to ignore the truth.....




The title says it all....and hey its got a great beat and you can dance to it (I should know I did it for way too long)

I've had my share of disappointments......



I played the blame game a time or two......





Made some really bad choices





Flirted a bit too much a time or two....




I really don't mean it.....


Now I am chasing storms.....looking for hope....





Hey...I'll be back later....I just seen a leprechaun....maybe he can lead me to that rainbow....

I'm not chasing after the pot of gold....

Just one man who is



Hey.....hey..... WAIT UP!!!!

I Feel Lucky!!!!

I'm writing at weird times because my days and nights are all messed up. It is still Jan 1 in my head but on the calendar it is Jan 2.

I feel lucky!



Whatever happened to Mary Chapin Carpenter? I used to love her! This is one of my favorite songs..... I woke up this morning (nearly afternoon to tell the truth) with it ringing in my head. (another one I like is *shut up and kiss me*)

I went to work at the crack of 1:30 p.m., needing a ride to work because of the near blizzard we have going on here in the midwest. I kept hearing it. It colored my attitude all day.

Nothing but crisis at work...but I handled every little thing as it came up.

I felt lucky.

I'm talking or rather e-mailing/IMing a few guys....but one is making me feel special, I just started talking with him, but I find myself waiting to see what he will write next. It's promising. He's cute too!

I feel lucky.

Everyone despite the miserable weather and their problems has been smiling with me today. All day.

I feel lucky.

Seriously. I don't ever remember waking up on New Year's Day and feeling like this. I haven't been feeling like this really for a while. I feel like I am going somewhere. Coolness. Total Coolness. I think this is going to be a good year.

I don't know what I dreamt when I slept....but I woke up happy. I felt in control. Heck, I even felt rested. Relieved. Lucky.

It was great.

I feel lucky.






Well I woke up this morning stumbled out of my rack
I opened up the paper to the page in the back
It only took a minute for my finger to find
My daily dose of destiny, under my sign
My eyes just about popped out of my head
It said "the stars are stacked against you girl, get back in bed"

I feel lucky, I feel lucky, yeah
No Professor Doom gonna stand in my way
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Well I strolled down to the corner, gave my numbers to the clerk
The pot's eleven million so I called in sick to work
I bought a pack of Camels, a burrito and a Barq's
Crossed against the light, made a beeline for the park
The sky began to thunder, wind began to moan
I heard a voice above me saying, "girl, you better get back home"

But I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
No tropical depression gonna steal my sun away
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Now eleven million later, I was sitting at the bar
I'd bought the house a double, and the waitress a new car
Dwight Yoakam's in the corner, trying to catch my eye
Lyle Lovett's right beside me with his hand upon my thigh
The moral of this story, it's simple but it's true
Hey the stars might lie, but the numbers never do

I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
Hey Dwight, hey Lyle, boys, you don't have to fight
Hot dog, I'm feeling lucky tonight
I feel lucky, brrrrr, I feel lucky, yeah
Think I'll flip a coin, I'm a winner either way
Mmmmmm, I feel lucky today

Drama....still not *getting any*

I don't know if anyone else reads my comments....but I do, and I pay attention. You might be surprised at how often I take your advice.

I did try to set up some time with *D*. He was supposed to come over last night and be with me and we were supposed to figure this whole thing out. It didn't happen. This time it was a job deal at 4 in the a.m.. It sounds untrue, it also doesn't sound like the kind of lie someone could come up with. I wrote him another email since we couldn't spend any real time together and I called him at 2:30 a.m. to wish him luck and left it on his voice mail. You would have thought he'd be awake by then if he had a job interview at 4 a.m.... Still no word from him. I tried calling but didn't leave a message. What else is there to say? I'll probably try to call him again.

I'm pathetic.

The thing is when he can't give me what I want, he tends to hide from me. You know, like not showing up and not returning calls. Been through this with him before. I'm getting real tired of it.

He promised to come over today. I'll believe it when I see him standing in my doorway.

Something almost always happens.....

I don't believe in somethings. I think if you really want to be with someone you will be. I think that if you really want to have something.... then obstacles are just things you climb over. I believe in making life happen and not letting it happen to me. If I knew where to find him, I would be there confronting him right now.

If he doesn't come over tonight I am going to end it completely. Cut all ties. I can't be friends with him when I want more. Its stupid to even try. If I start with the talking and emailing with him, then he will just start getting romantic again. I am tired of playing catch me if you can. I'm just not that sophisticated. I don't even want to be.

I don't want to have love and affection only sometimes. All or nothing at all.

He either wants to be with me or he doesn't. Time for him to let us both know what he wants.

So basically I'm of the mood that he needs to shit or get off the pot.

I'm also in the mood to *get some*. I've been trying to hold out but that side of me is having a major breakdown these days. I am definitely not meant to be alone. I wish I was the type who could do *it* without emotional involvement. Maybe that is where my problem lays. My physical needs are demanding to be met and my emotional needs won't let them. I'm starving inside.

I want real life. Good or bad. I want someone who is here when I need a shoulder and who turns to me when they need whatever. I want the give and take. I want the whispers in the middle of the night and conversation over coffee. I want to do things with someone. I'm tired of attending parties and events with my family or girlfriends. I want to have sex in the worst freaking way too. I'm tired of being alone. I don't do it well.

Did I mention I'm not getting any younger today? Did I mention life is moving on and I'm tired of standing still? Did I mention I don't sleep much?

I could have double dated with my younger sister last night and had some fun for a change. I need a real life in the worst way. I could have had a little of one last night. Maybe I blew off a guy that would have been interested in real life....maybe he was nice and fun and passionate. Guess I won't find out now.

I've had some interesting offers of relationships from other men too. Honestly if *D* wasn't in the picture I would have been all over *K* by now. He's probably the better choice. At least he apparently does want to meet me and see where things could go with a woman like me. He seems to think I am a all that and a bag of fritos. He's a cop and I seem to attract and be attracted by them. We understand each other's quirks. *R* could never be a serious choice, but he could be fun and he would soothe my battered ego. I just don't want to hurt him and guys like that are easily broken. He's a nice man....but I don't want him on my conscience.

I have real choices. There are even a couple of guys I've met through work who would love to go out with me and have asked me. I just don't date guys I work with or for. Maybe that is a stupid rule. I don't know.
We won't go into the *friends* who want to move up in the ranks. My ego has been fed enough.

Why *D* isn't seeing what these other guys do is the thing that frustrates me. Maybe I just want what I can't have. I hate to think I am that self destructive. I have to wonder though. Maybe I am the one who isn't looking at the other men the way I should be. I'm looking through *D* and apparently he is just going to stand there and not move unless I knock him out of the way.

I don't want to spend another New Years Eve without a kiss. Y'know I've never had one. My husbands all left me home with the kids and partied alone..... Everytime I see that movie *When Harry met Sally* I want to cry. It sucks to be without a life partner. It sucks even worse to be with one who doesn't want to be with you....for whatever reasons. I swear I am going to kiss a stranger this year if I can't decide on a date!

I guess other than my constant reflection my life is on hiatus until later tonight.

Last Chance for Romance *D*.

And the lonliness hits again

The problem about the winter holidays is that I become reflective and introspective. I am very lonely. I don't quite fit in with my family. I don't quite fit in with my friends. My children no longer need me the way they did when they were young. I am aching to give this love I have to someone. Positively aching from carrying it around inside me. I need to matter more. I need to feel needed and wanted. I need to feel important to one person.

I'm *talking* with several guys now. Most of them I really like, 2 in particular. They both say everything I want them to say or thought I wanted to hear from a man. My type of manly men. Cavemen. (Can't y'all just see me being drug around by my hair?)....but cavemen with raw emotion and open hearts. Men who keep wanting to meet me and more. They make no secret of wanting everything I could offer them. They think I am smart and seem to hang on every word I say...and remember it and quote it back to me days later. They are obviously sexually attracted to me. They want to actually meet me...to date me..... I shouldn't be complaining. I should want to meet them. I should be willing to adjust my schedule a bit. I shouldn't be hesitant. Some other lucky lady will be snatching them up if I don't.

I should care more.

I wonder if I am being fair by even representing myself as available and looking for a real relationship.

I'm not completely sure that I am.

The problem is I don't have as much a connection with them as with *D*, whom I'm still talking to. He's proving very difficult to get over. It doesn't help that he calls me every chance he gets, despite the fact that I've called a halt to our *relationship* as it were. I can't not take his calls. He is important to me. He matters. Even if I don't want him to.

We have talked out some of our problems over this long week.

Our last disagreement proved to be less a serious issue than I thought. Still the fact that our communication skills with each other are so poor could be a bad sign of things to come. Communication is absolutely everything if you want a relationship that lasts.

It turned out to be huge misunderstanding about something he said on my part, and a serious bad judgment on his. It dealt with sexual issues (not phone sex)...and y'all know I have some serious issues in that area. I am not sure of the extent of either of our errors just yet or whether or not they can be overcome. When we approach the subject we are both hurt and guarded.

As he states it, "We don't argue, we debate....everytime we talk its a debate". He has a point. I've never argued so much with someone in my life. We bicker constantly but truth be told, its like we are inside each other's head and we call each other out on the BS. Even when we argue, there is this affection. Seriously. We can't be mad at each other, just hurt by each other. Which we do way too much. We have a weird connection. We finish each others thoughts and sentences. I know when he's thinking of me and when its him on the phone before I answer. Its unnerving really. For him and for me. We fight and I call everything off but we end up online at the same time or I pick up the phone and it rings in my hand. We can't seem to let this die a natural death. I'm not sure it is a natural thing sometimes....Its like the Devil himself is playing with me.

I don't actually love him, but I do love parts about him (no we have not been physical). I would fall for him, if I wasn't so careful to analyse myself and remember what I need and what I want just about all the time. I talk myself out of it. He hasn't offered to be that man for me yet. He may not ever, even though I know he wants to be. I want and need a lot in my next and hopefully last romantic relationship. Even if he does want to be that man, he could have wants and needs of his own that I will be unable to meet. I may not be the woman he needs. We never say words of love to each other. We are not the types to admit defeat, and to our way of thinking it may spell that at this point. I don't know if we ever will be brave enough to say them. I know he feels the same about me though. I can hear it in the silences when we talk. He says everything but that. I don't say these words to him because I can't. Not feeling it yet. Not ready to open completely for him. I can't lay my heart on the line until I know his is there right next to it.

I want him to say it first. I'm pretty sure he wants it to be me. Call it a stand-off. Maybe we are both to0 fucked in the head to be able to make this work. I have to wonder why we are even trying sometimes. I have to wonder if I am crazy to keep talking to him when he isn't reaching out for more.

That is why I am talking to more than one man and trying to keep myself unentangled sexually until I find *the* one that I think I could develop a lifetime relationship with. I may hope it will be *D*, but until and unless I KNOW it, I have to keep looking because I keep needing.

I need to hear the words *I love you* and see it in a man's eyes. I need to feel it in his touch. I need to know it by his actions. I'm holding out for this concrete magic. Maybe it will come from *D*, maybe not. Maybe we are just destined to have this weird affinity with each other. I wish I knew, but until I do I am still looking for someone who will love me.....even when I'm ugly. I'm looking for someone who likes me from the inside out. Someone who wants to take all that I give and give it back to me. Someone who will admit that he wants what I offer and be willing to give me what I need. Someone who wants the real thing. Forever. Someone who is willing to make it happen.

Don't get me wrong. Right now I am mostly just emailing other men. Meeting over coffee. Sharing a kiss at the end. *D* was the last real date I went on....then before we could date again the *conversational incident* happened that has me rethinking and reevaluating everything all over again.

Part of me hopes to find someone else that I can relate to on at least the same mental/emotional degree I have with *D*. but with someone who is more willing to throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet. Part of me wonders why *D* is not and if I should just stop trying to find someone else and work solely on the man in question.

Note to self: It is unwise to have a serious discussion of any type while drugged on cold medicine and speaking with someone who is also a bit tipsy. Not good. Also not good is firing off a break-up email before discussing it soberly because I am impatient and he isn't the best guy in the world for calling on a regular basis (though AFTER that email he has been).

So tonight I am lonely. I could fix it with someone easy if I wanted to....but I want more. I might even want too much.

The thought makes me sad.

New beginnings

This seems to be a week of new beginnings for me.

Its all good even the bad....

Work has been hectic but its slowing down. Tourist season is pretty much over until the Spring wedding season starts. There will be plenty of time for me to get a grip on the various new job responsibilities I've been handed lately.

I should be able to find the time to work out in the gym at the hotel too. We dont' get many perks but that one is spectacular. Our work-out room has just been completely redone and the guests hardly use it, so the employees and their families can anytime they want.

Winter in Indiana is usually quiet. Hoosiers don't really like the cold, we mostly endure it because we enjoy the Autumns here so much. So Indiana sleeps through it as much as possible until our beautiful blooming Spring starts showing up in March or April.

I'm trying to quit smoking again....Don't know if I mentioned that before or not. I'm not telling Walter. The reason why is that when the beast bugs me about it, it makes me want to light up just to show him who is the Mom and who is the kid! Sometimes I am as childish as he is....and I don't have an excuse.

Still have much to do for Christmas and an important call to make so that's all for now.

I might rant about my landlord later though.... This house is going to be history soon. I don't care how much work Cindy and I put into it.... There's too much stuff we can't fix...but later...

Have a great evening!