Sometimes its what we DON'T do that matters.

Someone mentioned to me yesterday that it might not be such a good idea to call a person an idiot....even if that person was. The truth is I can't remember the last time I said something behind someone's back that I haven't said directly to their face. Sometimes I can be so mean.... so sarcastic... self righteous.... overbearing.... egocentric..... and a whole host of not so stellar personality traits... I'm trying to get better. Usually I am....but sometimes and a lot lately I'm not nearly as nice as I aspire to be.

Today I didn't call anyone an idiot....in front or behind them. It may not sound like much.... but its progress.

I guess its born from frustration. I've been going through a lot recently and not in a good mood to start with. I tend to expect too much from myself and from others. I expect everyone to be as single minded as I am on any given task. The truth is I am the weird one. I could state my case differently instead of saying... *he's an idiot* as if that person doesn't matter. Everyone matters. So I am trying to be nicer and while it is part of my job to find problems and correct them and inform my GM if someone makes continual mistakes or errors be it in judgment or in work... It is not my place to go around insulting people as if I, alone, am perfect.

Time to jump off the high horse and walk around a bit.

Its Time For A Cool Change

Life isn't exactly good...but it feels good. Does that even make sense? I can just feel it. Lots of changes going on for me right now. Isn't that always the case? I think things are getting better. So many things all at once now that despite my desire to write all about them, it would take days so I am making a list so I have time to go visit you!

...if you are curious about anything on this list and want to know more....email me.

1. Decided not to work it out with the room mate. Finally realize that just because something could be doesn't actually mean it should be. I guess the fact that I couldn't bring myself to move past the room mate stage should have given me a clue.



2. Kids are all doing great. Richard is the same as always..works plays and won't settle down with one woman. Celia has been promoted up at work...she loves it. Walter is getting really good at videos and looking forward to the end of Summer Skateboarding competition (he's also getting more responsible and less moody).

3. Walter may have broken yet another video camera. If this kid didn't have talent I would finish the job on his head! Kudos for him though....he didn't lose his temper, blame God or the cosmos, and he didn't have a tantrum. Might be growing up after all.






4. Had to replace our cell phones (mine was broken by above listed roommate). They are totally cool but not texting machines. Both of them have blue tooth, video cameras and MP3 players and web access if I would allow it. I can add 4 (originally phone only took 2g) gig of memory to mine (and I will). Walter didn't need 4 gig addl. memory because he has separate cameras and mp3 players (I want to be a kid again so I can have all the cool stuff). My new ring tone is "you make my pants wanna get up and dance* by Dr. Hook. I have this Motorola and Walter has this Nokia. I bought him a rather heavy duty cover as well. The cost? Less than $150 and 30 months on my contract. I am pretty happy with Centennial so it was no big deal extending it out.


5. I got really kind of pissed off at work recently and felt the single action of someone very high up (not my boss) had completely insulted and disregarded several coworkers and myself. I was going to quit and rightfully so but I've come back to Earth. I love my job. It would be stupid to work someplace boring and/or draining again. Going to try to wait out the economy and the stress levels here. The person doesn't screw up that much (not to mention that because of his position he can really do whatever he wants) and my pride can be a bad thing sometimes. No one wants me to go. Not even me really. So here I will stay.

6. Bought a used laptop and refurbed it. Love it...well except for this keyboard that isn't tilted quite right for my touch typing. I will get the hang of it though. Still need to replace the battery...one of these days Walter won't be needing a new skateboard, camera, pair of shoes, new jeans, or school supplies and I will get it. Meanwhile it only has 60 G of HD space but I do have a 220 G external drive so that really isn't much of a foreseeable problem. It runs XP and I have .75G of fast ram which is fine for my use of this computer (mostly word processing... games or heavy graphics). CDRW+DVD, Good (not great) wireless (connects at 54mbps on my 100 mbps connection) and 2.0 USB (2) rounds out the basic system with a 4 port extension module (brings it up to 5 - 2.0 usb connections). In all I have invested about $250. How do you think I did?

7. Was going to go to the 4-H fair this weekend but since Walter needs a new video camera I think I will give him the choice about where the money will go. I'd probably spend about $200 on the fair and I can get him a new (albeit cheap) video camera and a day at the skate park for that.

8. Stayed after work for Wednesday Women's Wind-down last night (a thing we have in The Cellar Door Restaurant and Lounge at our Hotel) and I had my tarot cards read by a self professed witch. Around here she is known as the "Grey Witch" and she lives in a place called Ravyn house (not too far from where I live). Amazingly accurate. She said I have 3 major decisions to make. (Wondering if I've already made 2 of them???) That I had inherited psychic gifts from my Grandmother (and other family members)....and she just knew things she couldn't possibly know.

9. Met some of my boss/Friends (hereafter referred to as SC)'s friends. SC has nice friends. I liked them.

10. Have decided that I should move to this apartment complex 1 block away from work. It is a converted High School (my mother attended it back when). Check out the link to the actual apartment site. It has floor plans and everything. Tell me what you think!





11. I'm beginning my 2nd week of the *Activia Challenge*. WOW!!! You would never believe how good I feel. I really was full of shit!!! :::snickering::: Seriously, I have lost about 6 inches around my middle- that happened almost immediately. My overall health has improved as well as my energy level. Yep I am regular. No cramps or churning. But its more than that. When one's body shuts down because of stress, as in my case, or any other reason...it begins poisoning itself. That's right. Poison. Stuff we don't use is supposed to go away. Its like any other clutter in your life...its messy. At any rate for any of you who wondered if it works...I give it an unqualified thumbs up. I used to take medicine for this condition (IBS) and it didn't work nearly as well as Activia. Activia is a lot cheaper and healthier too. Try it.

12. Currently updating and certifying my skills set. I started when I thought I would be changing jobs, but despite deciding to stay at my current job, I am going to continue with this. You never know when a promotion will open up and also the economy could crash again and take the hotel with it. Better safe than sorry.

Well theres more.... life has been eventful but I need a break and then I need to catch up with you....

Hope y'all had wonderful days!

My mother's mother's life

A week ago today my family and I celebrated the life of my Grandmother. I think I've finally come to terms with everything....

I was asked to speak there and I did. In dreams I was overcome by the spirits of first my grandmother and then my grandfather. In fact, I wrote it quickly after the first dream....but the dream I had the next night made it clear that it wasn't quite finished. Grandpa always said if you are going to do a thing....do it right. He loved my Grandma too much to allow me to neglect certain aspects of her personality...most notably her damnable determination. Both frustrating and admirable while she lived, I completely left it out until the second dream.

Below is the memorial speech I gave in honor of my Grandma...I'm not really sure if I wrote it. It is pretty much exactly as I recited it with one small exception...the minister who spoke before me also stated he felt touched by my (very very determined) Grandmother and felt that she wanted him to include the same poem she directed me to say...so I didn't repeat in my speech it but I left it in the version below. LOL....guess I should have tried to go first....

Grandma always said I had a habit of using $20.00 words for a $5.00 message. I'll try to keep this on the cheap side. There aren't enough days in the year to share all the stories I would like to share or for you to share back anyway. I just want to give your memories a nudge and your heart a smile. I think that is all Grandma wants me to do anyway.

Some would say she had her ups and downs and no doubt she would say that too. I'm not here to talk so much about that. We've all had them. She handled them better than most.

As far as I've ever been concerned, she and Grandpa were the greatest influences in my life and the people that I want most to be like. They may not have been rich in dollars, but their lives were more valuable than all the gold in the world. They were plain people who could have had more for themselves if they had been willing to do less for others. They chose to enrich others instead. In the end, thier legacies to us are far more valuable than any money they could have left us. They were good people. We were truly blessed.

We are here to remember Grandma today and I guess what I'd like for us all to remember most is not that she died but that she really live, not quietly, not sorrowfully but loudly and boldly. Some would even say she was a bit of an eccentric. She'd like to hear them saying it too!.

She lived life on her terms and to her own satisfaction as much as I think any of us really can. In that way I like to think I'm a little bit like her. I think most of you are a bit like that too. As a matter of fact, I'd go so far as to say we are kind of known as that kind of family around these parts.

Waneta Rogers was an amazing woman. She was not much bigger than the leprachauns she tried to convince me still lived in Ireland. She dyed her hair bright red to give the world warning that she was a firebrand. She worked and played harder than men 4 times (not just twice) her size. Even so, she was completely feminine. She kept up her appearances and never let the world see her down. Grandma even dressed up and put make-up on before she went to the Salvation Army store (which she called the Sally-Shop). She mended and restyled her purchases so well that people would often comment on her fashion style and try to get her to reveal where she found such lovely pieces. She told the truth, but was seldom believed about it.

Grandma was a capable woman. There wasn't any person or any situation that she couldn't handle effectively. She could manage my siblings, my cousins and me all at the same time with a single look and she could make everything right in the world with one sweet smile. Heaven help the poor soul that would try to harm one of us. She could handle them too!

Let us remember, with a glad heart, the woman who defied convention and married an Indian when that just wasn't done. Let us remember the woman who tamed that wild giant of a man too. She never judged people on something so minor as the color of their skin, she made friends based on the content of their hearts. She was a supportive wife, a loving mother, a thoughtful sister, a wonderful friend, and the kind of grandmother that all children wish for. She was known as quite the character too! You never knew for sure what she would say or do next but it was pretty hard to be bored around her. She was interesting all the time. I don't think I ever heard her use the word *bored*. I don't think she knew it. I'm pretty sure she never was.

I'm also sure she wouldn't be pleased if she were to look down on us and see us crying or whining about our loss today. You all know that she didn't like cry babies or complainers much. I should know, when I was a child I was one. She had a few colorful sayings for that type of behavior. *Youknowwhat or get off the pot!*. If you don't like it then change it. Seriously, Grandma could have written Nike ads. Just do it! It was impossible to be wishy-washy around her. She simply would not stand for it.

Lord help you if you ever said the word *can't* in her presence. Actually to this, I can almost hear her reminding me that *the Lord helps them that helps themselves!*

I can honestly say that without this not-so-gentle wisdom from Grandma, I would not be who I am today. Chances are neither would any of you.

So lets not cry today. If you must shed a tear let it be a tear of joy for being so lucky to have been a part of her life. Lets celebrate her! Lets be grateful we have such a wonderful legacy in her memory. Grandma was a fireball! She was an oddity! She was freakin hilarious most of the time! She was also courageous and kind. She was smart, especially in politics and current events and plain spoken. She never pretended to be anyone she wasn't. Of all the people I've ever known, she was the most comfortable in her own skin. She was true to herself. We should all aspire to be more like her in that way. She was a practical woman. She never wasted a thing and was recycling items long before it became the *thing to do*. Waste not. Want not. She had her priorities and she lived by them. Family came first, then friends, then strangers. She never cared about any material thing. She only cared about people. Especially her people. Especially us.

She was the first one I ever heard say *Dynamite comes in small packages*. Truer words were never spoken.

We don't want to forget her people watchers because it was a really warped sense of humor that came up with that one. I swear I was afraid to misbehave because I just knew that Grandma could see us through all those magical (as she told me) eyes.

Remember the unusual knick-knacks and collectors items she called dust catchers, but couldn't part with. That's because we kept giving them to her. It was never the decorations she liked, it was having little pieces of us around that she couldn't give up.

We don't want to forget that she would help out her neighbors and welcome strangers either. She defended her family against any danger that came and never backed down from evil. She was something special. When she had a word or two to say, EF Hutton listened.

Let us remember those gentle hands that could give us a man size whoopin or an angel's hug depending upon our needs at the time. Let us remember her eyes crinkled in laughter or touching our soul in the few tears she shed. Don't you forget that stubborn chin either! When she was right she was right.

I won't forget her determination. When she couldn't drive any longer, she took up riding that adult size tricycle, despite the fact that it really was way too big for her. She was something else! If one solution didn't work, she always found another. Long before people ever said the words *failure is not an option* she was living them.

Some would say our life is less now that she is gone....not me. My life is *more* because she lived. My life is more because every lesson she ever taught me comes up again and again. She made sure I had the right answers. How can I cry about her death when I still feel her life in me? I still see evidence of her in my children. I can look around and see evidence of her existence in each of us here. When I look at my daughter, Grandma's eyes smile back at me. I still see her. I still feel the love she gave us. Its that voice in my head that tells me in very colorful ways to not give up when things get tough. When I fall I can hear Grandma snickering and telling me that my backside isn't going to do me much good sitting on the ground like that. Her invisible arms still comfort me in my sadness. Her wisdom keeps me from being too hypocritical. I hear her laughter everytime I see some really bizarre knick knack. I think of her and she lives. Actually I don't even need to think of her first, not when I can see her so plainly in your faces.

I know she lives for you too..

So I don't want to see any of you shedding too many tears.

You know Grandma didn't like crybabies.
　
Someone once wrote these words, I'm not sure who.....but I think Grandma felt this way....
　
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free


Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me - but let me go


For this is a journey that we must all take
And each must go alone
It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home


When you are lonely, and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me - but let me go

　

Thank you.
　

Prolific update?

I have to start writing again. My life is better when I do. I guess I am over the emptiness now. Life is, as always, interesting for me.

Walter is doing well except that in his rush for skateboarding season he chipped his ankle and sprained it pretty bad. He's in an air cast. He'll be fine though. His IEP was today and that seems pretty hopeful. It looks as if the unanimous thought between the various educators and myself is that the kid actually does have some serious video talent and may well be able to get a job in that field eventually. YEE HAW!

Rich and Celia (and Billy) are all doing well still. Celia is going to be the matron of honor at her best friend/distant cousin's wedding soon. Now there's a girl I would never believe would ever do anything socially acceptable....Its amazing to me how normal Celia's friends seem these days. Everytime I see them I keep looking for the well hidden tatoos and missing dog collars. They grow up when you are not looking. Richard is Richard. A bit of a hermit but we talk once in a while and Celia keeps an eye on him.

My "orphan" grew up and flew the nest. I'm proud of him...but I kinda miss the kid a little too. Well I hope he does well.

Work is not getting better. I'm seriously considering a move to warmer climates. I love the job but with the reduced hours and of course take-home pay and the fact that the work load is not changing, I don't see how I can stay here. I qualify for government benefits now. The sad fact is that I am going to have to apply for them soon too. It also kills me that I can't do my job properly in the time alotted. I've quit bringing work home. I'm just not going to work for free anymore...there's nothing in it for me at this point. It was different before when I had the respect for my contribution there, but when I see people who do not have nearly the responsibility I have, nor the direct correlation to bringing in money, making sometimes twice my wage and at least one who gets entirely free health insurance.....I just can't justify giving up my life for an employer who does not appreciate or benefit my life. The people I am talking about are the people I am constantly fixing errors for. It turns out that some of the people I once thought of as enemies are friends and those I thought of as friends may not be as loyal as I once thought. Delusions and allusions. It doesn't matter which....this year is for clarity and both of those must go in my life. I've updated my skills and my resume. I'm looking for a job..... one with regular hours and benefits. Its time I grow up. There's a lot more about employment than enjoying your work. The way the economy is going, I need to look at the hard facts now. I can't afford to have fun.

Despite the ramblings of this post, I am feeling upbeat and motivated most days. I'm not depressed despite my writer's block. I'm trying to enjoy the good weather when its here and getting along well with my family. I hope all of you are enjoying life to its fullest too.

BTW... I started twittering! Let me know if you twitter so I can add you....I am stormwhispers on twitter.

Until next time.....blah blah blah

Working through work

Work has been extremely busy for me lately. I bring work home every night even if I don't get it all done. Every little bit helps. Finally there is more order than chaos around my desk. It feels good. I like to pretend that I am not ambitious. Sometimes I fool myself a little bit. The truth is though, that I am one of the most ambitious people I know. Lately I am bordering on being a work-a-holic. There is a method to my madness, and a light at the end of the tunnel.



There are days that I hate to come in and long for some brainless way to earn a buck. 99% of the time I love it. I love the hotel. Mostly I like the people I work with and the way they work, although there are a few that need an attitude check. Right now I am stressing because I am trying to learn at the rate I did in High School while still working and raising a family. I can do it though. I keep reminding myself how well I did my last time as an adult in a learning environment and it gives me the confidence to keep hacking away at it.



My goal is to have a working knowledge of every position we employ at the hotel. I'm even trying to get a feel for the maintenance/engineering and housekeeping departments. I want to understand everyone else's job so I can be more useful.



Two of the skills that have been really useful to me in my entire working life are my ability to observe without being observed and my ability to spot an error/oddity. Almost every position I've ever had has required these trouble-shooting and analysis skills. Most people think I get ahead of my peers because people just like me. I have fairly good communication and social skills. Those help, but without my trouble-shooting and analysis, there'd be nothing to communicate about and I would be just another joking co-worker. Some think its my IQ, they believe that I am smarter than they are. Occassionally its true, but mostly its not. The truth is, I am just more willing to learn new things and its backed up with the experience of my careers. It seems to me that the older people get, the less likely it is that they are willing to learn. There are a lot of geniuses working at McDonalds. I know several people with degrees that don't have the job responsibilities or pay that I now enjoy. I know a lot of younger people that seem older than me.

Lots of job coaches like to use the phrase "work smarter not harder" if you want to get ahead. Frankly I think a person needs to work smarter and harder if they wish to advance in any business. Those same people like to say that "showing up" is 99% of success. I don't believe that either. I know a lot of people who show-up for the same job, day in and day out....for years and years. It takes a lot more than showing up to get ahead. A person needs to enlarge their position to move up the ladder these days, to do more than is asked of him/her. I like to anticipate the needs of my General Manager. The truth is, my real job description is to make her look good. If I'm not making her look good by the quality and level of work I do, then why should she want to give me a bigger chance to make her look inept and lazy? My job is to make her job easier.

So I am working my butt off through these promotions. Earning trust and responsibility as well as wages. She tells me what she expects and I try to excel and increase it. Then she gives me more. More authority, more responsibility, more wages, more power (both personal and professional).

People tell me I am going to work myself right out of a job. That is the goal. Everytime I do that I get a better one in return.

No I don't intend to work like this forever. However I do intend to always excel and to always exceed. Right now I am climbing the ladder. Eventually I will find my rung and rest on it. That time is coming. That is the light at the end of the tunnel.

Our hotel and office building has been up for sale. One of these days someone will buy it. I hope to keep my position. Still the truth is, often enough when a business is purchased they like to bring in their own management team. That is fine with me too. The skills and experiences I am having now will make my resume positively obese. I won't have a problem getting another, maybe even better position. The bottom line is the bottom line after all. Every business likes to have employees like me. They want more for their money....same as I do.

Ask A Streetwalker

There is a new local magazine here in Michiana. Its called Michiana Entertainer (occasionally it has a website called, interesting enough Michianaentertainer.com, but it isn't always up). I don't know.... I started leafing through it and to tell you the truth I was kind of mesmerized in that awful kind of way you are when you see a kid peeing in the parking lot.

What follows, verbatim, is a column, evidently a regular column, written tongue-in-cheek by a local Streetwalker. Not a classy call-girl. I only wish I could link to the site (which is down again). This woman has to be the homeliest streetwalker I've ever seen (and I have seen quite a few in the years I worked for the defense lawyers). She's real though. I've seen her around.

ASK A STREETWALKER...
About responsible sexuality.
By Gavin White

HOOKER: Tina Gropp

AGE: 52

PIMP: Phineas "Milk Money" Walker

NICKNAME: A.T.M.

TASTES LIKE: an old tennis ball at the dog park

Jody a H.S. Counselor from Niles asks:
Do you think birth control pills would be more effective if women took more time to read the directions and then followed them word for word?

SW: Bitch, are you crazy?!? You got any idea what my pimp would do to me if he caught me trying to read?!? Shit, he'd choke me so hard, my tongue stud would pop outta my mouth.

_______________________________________________________

Philip, an engineer from Elkhart asks:
Doesn't it make you sick when pregnant teenagers ignore their responsibilities and continue to live their lives like nothing happened?

SW: What?! Are you gonna tell me my great granddaughter, Diamonique, can't go to a rave just because she's seven months pregnant with twins?!? Shit, as long as she ain't driving, I don't see nothing wrong with it!

________________________________________________________

Rachel, an office manager from South Bend
asks: My boyfriend and I have always been careful, but last month we had a really bad pregnancy scare. What are we doing wrong?

SW: I only got one thing to say to that: There ain't no such thing as "butt babies," honey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok...I admit it. I laughed like crazy over this until it occurred to me that I picked this up at a regular coffee shop. Its free. Any kid can get this magazine.

Now I realize that mostly teens would be the ones grabbing it. I realize they probably make jokes like this between themselves.

I was a bad-ass teen myself once....

Still it somehow bothers me that they can get this type of magazine.

Its like sex....yeah some of them are doing it before they get out of High School. I still don't think they should be able to rent X rated movies.

This and That

I had a new commenter on my blog, like always I checked out her web site.... Miss Alaineus alemanac. Its some hilarious ranting!!! Check it out. I loved her profile too.

I like this new follower thing on blogger. Maybe it isn't new to y'all but I've been MIA for a while so I am just getting started on it. So now I am going to go blog to blog and start adding everyone that way and maybe do away with that sidebar list eventually, especially since aol is giving up the ship.

I've remained appalled all weekend about the deficit. I think I have another editorial coming.

ND lost. I hate when they lose. Its not that I am such a big football follower or fan. I like it, but its not my life. What no one realizes is that when a city like South Bend, is built completely around a College like Notre Dame.... one bad season (like last year's) affects our economy in a dangerous way. People lose jobs, they move or quit spending, then there are less dollars going out and more people lose jobs....etc. etc..... We depend way too much on Notre Dame football around here and the college as a whole. We need to become more like other cities. Develop something more than a tourist trade, like our neighboring city, Elkhart, did with RV manufacturing.

Yeah, I'm starting to become interested in our local political scene.

I think I might have to join some associations or something.

Everywhere I look I remember what it was like when I was growing up here. I remember walking the streets unafraid in the so called worst neighborhoods in the middle of the night.

I remember the school actually working with my parents to help keep me on track.

I don't remember any of the stupid rules they now have in effect to curb the individuality of young people.

I remember active parks and recreation.

I remember the library being a welcoming venue for children.

I remember policemen who knew my name.

Our city tax percentage was not nearly as high as it is now. County tax didnt' exist.

I want to know what happened. Why it happened and What we can do to make it go back to how it was.

One of these days I hope to have grandchildren raised here. I want them to live in my world....not the one that is scaring us all so much now.

Celia has a job. The pay is too low but the opportunities for advancement and more pay are there. I feel bad for young adults these days. When I was her age I was given multiple opportunities to advance within companies. (Mostly I blew them). If I said I could do something that was enough, I didn't need numerous degrees in nose blowing or carpet picking. I was given the chance to prove myself. In addition to Celia's high-school training, she worked with me in the office often. She was taught and did very well at all things administrative. She understands scheduling, purchasing, document preparation, etc. etc... Because of the state of our schools here, no one wants to hire public school graduates for anything where real skill is required. It seems unfair. Her parents could not afford private school so I supplimented her education with my own version of home-school. I brought her to work with me often. I even taught her how to build a computer from scratch. Unfortunately I cannot give her a certificate or degree. She's luckier than some though. She has a job that will finally allow her to prove herself and her abilities. Not all these young adults even get that. I worry a little for my daughter, but not much. Her employers are getting a steal. If they are smart they will realize her value pretty quickly.

I haven't talked with my oldest son this weekend yet. I hope to soon though. He's still a bit of a hermit but he does make time for me when I call him. He's a good son, just kind of a loner.

Walter's love life is a soap opera. I have my misgivings about this girl, though she seems nice enough...I just don't know. She's stirring up his emotions and I worry. I try to give him perspective on it every chance he gives me. I tell him gently that some people break up and never get back together but sometimes over doesn't mean over (my brother married the woman he started dating at 14 years old and they are still together, though high-school found them splitting up a time or two). I don't want him to be crushed if (when) this girl breaks it off. I want him to have some hope until some other girl can help him forget.

The BF has been here most of the weekend. He does my BBQs for me. The guy can sleep in the oddest spots. Last night he fell asleep in the lawn chair while slow grilling the pork shops outside. Cracks me up. I am never able to relax that much. Its impressive. He also programmed the universal remote for the television. I fail to understand why I can't figure out remotes. I can tear apart a regular computer, reload it and make it bionic but a remote control just pisses me off. I don't have that kind of patience.

My dog was brilliant but now she has been having attacks of stupidity. She seems to have forgotten all about being housebroken. I have to shampoo the carpet AGAIN. Not the whole thing but her fave areas. She still has fetch, sit pretty, go lay down and gimme a kiss down so at least she's still cute. I know I shouldn't complain, she is only 4 months old, well not quite, but still.....She's not real bad at chewing things. She mostly sticks to her toys so that is good. She has a toybox that would rival some two-year old babies though. The BF is going to flea treat my yard today. I have to give Dizzy another flea bath already (gave her one a week ago). We flea bombed the house so the things don't live long once she is inside but I can't keep her inside all the time and she gets them whenever we go outside. So here we go again.\

The BF says he likes salisbury steak. We were talking about favorite foods. BUT he has never had real salisbury steak. Only those frozen dinner types. He is in for a treat. I am making salsibury steak tonight. I make it really good too. If I could write a recipe I would give it to y'all. Basically though the trick is you make meatloaf...the kind where you use bread crumbs not the oatmeal or rice types and only use good grade hamburger, like 90% lean (I like to add finely chopped onions and sometimes green pepper, to mine as well). You make them into small hand sized loafs (about 1/4 each) and bake them at 350 for about a half hour or 45 minutes in a large sheet pan (with sides). Then you use the actual pan dripping grease (no this is not low cal....its southern) as your gravy base. You seriously brown (not golden....nope toast it) the flour in this grease in a large heavy skillet and use 1/2 heated milk and 1/2 hot water to liquify it. Use lots of pepper and for goodness sake...don't make it thin. This is hearty food for hearty men. Serve it with lumpy mashed potatoes (nope instant just won't do) and a dark green vegetable. I am also serving sauted portabellos. He's been working hard for me, he's earned those portabellos!

and that is my weekend in review.

Like that proverbial bad penny....back again!

I'm feeling a prolific update coming on.....

I'm not dead. YAY! If you read my other blog you would have seen that I made a few postings there over my extended Summer break.

I was hoping to do this via video report but my son accidentally broke my digital camera. I'm going to try to fix it....LOL...but not today. If I can't I will probably buy another towards my birthday. In the meantime I may try to figure out how to use the video cam thingy I already have for my computer. I don't have the speaker/headphone thing anymore (though they are cheap enough I could get one), but I do have a microphone. I just need to get some double-faced tape to stabelize the camera. So don't be surprised if you find a video blog from me here in the near future.

Walter is doing much much better. High School is good for him. I knew it would be. He was too cool for the kids in grade school. He was a teenager when he was 8. Unfortunately he is dating a Senior. I don't know if I like the idea of him dating a girl so much older (he's 15, she's 18). Luckily neither of them can drive so they are limited in what they can do together. Another Mr. Studly. My boys are too hot for my good. Still she seems like a nice girl and both of them are attending school with an eye toward higher education and they seem to share morals. My hair is greyer every day.

We ended up not moving. I decided to kind of fix up this place a bit and stick around. Long story there. Its actually coming along nicely. I intend to do some more fixing up too, so I won't be blogging as much as I like for a while yet, but I should be able to do better.

The neighborhood's changed for the better recently. People moved out, better people moved in. Even my next door neighbors decided to stay. I've been busy trying to make friends and get to know my neighbors. Its really working out.

I'm driving again but still trying to keep it to a minimum because my front tires are still bald and that pesky engine light comes on and off. Its an oxygen sensor but I can't afford to have it fixed right now. Winter's coming on. Not only do I have to pay a gas bill soon but I have to come up with another $300 dollar deposit to get it on. (I turned it off and took my money when I thought I was going to move somewhere heat was included).

I've been dating and for the past couple of months I've been dating one guy in particular from work but I am going to have to break it off soon. Its a tricky situation. I should have never dated a man from work....never before and never again....but how do I gracefully extracate myself from this awkward position? My managers are thrilled with this romance but they don't know certain things about him that I do (and that make him completely unsuitable for me and my kid) and I don't want to tell why I am breaking things off with him. Advice please.

Work....OMG I have been busy. I'm looking real good though and so are the books. We are at 85% of bills being current and not delinquent. For those of you that don't the math that means only 15% are delinquent and only half of those are over 90 days. When I started the position it was almost 40/60. I'm kicking ass. Some days I hate it and I get so frustrated with being called off the accounts to fix computers or help out at the desk but its getting better all the time. I might be working myself out of a job though. With the books in order it will make it easier to sell the hotel and that could leave me unemployed. I figure it will all look good on a resume though.

I'm even considering putting my resume out there. Its not that I don't love my job, but it doesn't hurt to stir the pot a bit. I've made it through my first year now, so I could do it without looking bad.

If I have time for it, I will post some pictures from my sisters wedding tonight. Maybe a pic of my new puppy (Did I mention my baby?), Dizzy. She's adorable but a handful!

Summer stories to come in the next few entries......

How is everyone?

Addiction

A few years back I wrote an essay regarding my decision to quit smoking. I did it too.....or rather I took a year long pause. I started smoking again and I'm attempting to quit again. Some days are better than others. I have found that with one adult support person I do fine, but with more than that I feel a pressure to smoke. I don't know whether or not that is to give them a reason to continue to support me or to defy them. God only knows my motivation sometimes.


I have been trying to figure out my addiction to addiction. I married and divorced 3 addicted men. Sex, Drugs and/or alcohol. Everyone of them a smoker too.


I finally admit that in my late teens up until my early 30's I was anorexic and often bulimic. Not a pretty way to be pretty. I added an addiction to speed to help it all along. For years I was a size 3 or 4 on my 5'4" frame..... My mother gave me my first pill so I would have enough energy to go to school, and then come home and help take care of my sisters baby and run the house until she could get home from her second shift job. I was the oldest one left at home and said baby-mama had run off somewhere. It was a nice side affect that it helped me lose the baby fat and be model-thin. I guess I started that when I was 12 or 13 and it stayed with me until I was put on those steroidal drugs when I was 39. Even anorexia and bulimia cannot help you lose weight when you are on steroids. One would think that my best friend dieing of a combo drug addiction of speed and downers would have made me stop at 35, but it didn't. I always felt that she took *too much* and I was smarter. Truth is I was just luckier. I didn't like downers.


I became addicted to cigarettes and marijuana (yes, you can so be addicted) in my early teens. I was a bit of a problem drinker then too, but alcohol has never been addictive to me, too many problems with it, it was just a way to fit in with the wild crowd. I am one of those people who fall asleep after 2 beers/glasses of wine, but I can barely cop a good buzz off harder liquor. I loved Marijuana. It just made me really happy and it spurred my imagination. It also took my short term memory and made me act really stupid sometimes. It took some of my pain away (I had it kind of rough then). I was lucky enough to have a couple of teachers who thought my brain was worth saving (they didn't know about the addictions related to thinness) so they dumped every alcoholic drink they could catch me with and generally shadowed me so much that my wilder friends wanted nothing to do with me for fear they too would get busted.

I haven't smoked weed since I was 17. I will be eternally grateful to those teachers for the rest of my life. I would have looked for better stronger highs without their intervention. The crowd I was running with are mostly dead or recovering felons now. Those teachers probably saved my life. It wasn't illegal to smoke cigarettes then, the students even had smoking areas. I had parental approval. It was a different world. Otherwise I am sure they would have made me stop those too.


Which brings me prolifically back to the point of this post. Its time to really quit smoking like I mean it. Its a good time to do it. I plan to move into a different apartment soon (one that doesn't smell of day-old smoke) in a better part of town. My car should be running by then. My job is good, my love life is going well and Cindy finally came and picked up her freaking feline friends (only one cat now). Its Spring!!!! So many stressors are gone or going. That new hopeful phase of my life that I've been concentrating on since January 31 is finally looking like a success, despite a few serious setbacks.


I don't think I am as physically addicted as I am emotionally and psychologically addicted. I smoke the most when I am alone. If I am around non-smokers without any real stressors I can go all day pretty much without one......but the moment stress, boredom or loneliness hits me I find myself reaching for my favorite crutch. This weekend I smoked only 5 cigarettes on Saturday and only 4 on Sunday. Today at work and on my way home I've smoked 8 already.


I need new habits...nervous habits and coping mechanisms. The rubber band around the wrist snapping just annoys me and makes me want a smoke. I need better suggestions....maybe something that reminds me its my choice and a good one or something that is at least neutral.
I don't know how to live life without some addiction or another. Maybe what I need is a *good* addiction.

Personal Updates

I'm tired...forgive me....just going to make a list.

1. Made a new friend, Stacy. We are twins beneath the skin (read she is 4 inches taller, black and a whole lot cuter...but we both have a wacky sense of humor and high intelligence). Our first hang-out time we went to a local non-meat-market bar and had some french fries and a couple of drinks. An ugly, OLD, weird white guy kept hitting on her. Long story short....after I let her suffer for a few, I leaned into her, whispered in her ear...just pretend we are gay, and then I stroked her back and shoulder ever so sensuously...shared a few words and watched the ugly, OLD, weird white guy scurry out. It was hilarious. Look for more fun retellings soon.

2. I'm doing better on house cleaning.

3. I'm doing worse on quitting smoking.

4. My sister still hasn't picked up her damned cats. I swear I am going to cook some exotic cuisine here pretty soon.

5. Walter and Danielle broke up, it wasn't mean though. Still friends. YAY that they are friends and that it was so easy to take.

6. S'posed to meet a sometime commenter on this very blog this coming weekend. I met him on POF and we share a lot of commonalities, including autistic family members. I've considered him a friend for a long while. I'm looking way forward to it. He's a really funny, nice man.

7. I've been spending an inordinate amount of time lately doing favors for my friends and family. Right now I am trying to fix not 1 but 3 computers....Figures that not even one of them is an easy fix right? I need to finish an Estate for Dennis (the old boss), I am preparing some fliers for another friend.

8. I have a lot of studying to do that I am procrastinating about regarding the new position. Someone tell me to quit playing around and take it serious OK?

9. I'm looking at men as something other than Fate's weapon against me these days. I've made the conscious choice not to wax poetic about a budding romance in this forum again (not because of you people, but because of me being embarrassed about being stupid), but its safe to say that I am interested in pursuing romance again. When I actually commit to just one and I am positive it is going to last a while, I'll let you in on it.

10. I've decided to move in June hopefully. I'm hoping to work out something with Dennis regarding his apartments. He's been wanting me to manage them for cut rate rent, but I want two of the apartments....not just one. I need a bit more space than he thinks. More negotiations. One way or another I am moving out of this dump. Going to start packing this week.

11. Work is going to be killer the next 2 months or so.

12. For those who asked, my new blog links are there to the right of this screen under *My Words* Most of them are just reposts or rewritten snippets from this blog or the old one. at this point, but henceforth it should mostly be new stuff.

So please forgive my frequent absences from this forum and yours....Maybe I will have it all together again sometime yet this Summer!

Wish me luck!

Unbored

Hey everyone...

Sorry about the AWOL again. I've been pretty busy. I've decided not to leave the Inn. I still don't like what happened with my daughter, don't appreciate the office politics. Also, I will be in contact with the business side of the building as well here in the near future and I might be able to get her into one of the other business' future openings. (One side of the building is just office space and doesn't fall under the *no family* rules).

You guessed it.

I've received a BIG promotion at work. It was involuntary but now I am warming up to it pretty good. A new position is being created just for me. Go ahead....stroke my ever expanding ego. Its ok. I likes it. It won't be a lot more pay at first, but they've backed themselves up with me before when they said it would come later. I haven't even been there a year yet and have received several raises. I can't complain about that. I will be getting my own office which will help out a lot as far as getting my job done without interruptions.

I wasn't planning for this. It is probably going to be almost all I can handle for a while. Certainly don't have the time for it. I don't care that much about money or position. However....I am not getting any younger and this is one Hell of an opportunity. I'd be a fool not to take it and give it my best shot. I am a lot of things....but not stupid.

I'm going for it!

What I am to be, is some kind of liaison/assistant to all the departments in the two corporations. Mainly with the Hotel Comptroller, General Manager, Building Manager, Maintenance Department and Accountant (for both sides) and I will probably work with rest of the building on a smaller scale. She promised not to completely ban me from the Front Desk either (I absolutely love interacting with our guests). Some of my duties will be secretarial, but most will be managing information. I am still the Geek on Call pretty much too.

I've been chosen for this new position because of my widely varied skills and the fact that everyone seems to like me (the Comptroller/Asst. GM said *The staff just loves you!"). Kewlness. Its good to be liked.

Negotiations will probably take place this week or early next. I already have a front desk meeting on Thursday and it is pretty hard to fit in two meetings in the same week with my varied work responsibilities. So we will see.

I think I am hoping for salary over hourly, and regular daytime 8-5 hours if possible. Chances are I will have to concede a weekend a month or something, but that won't be too awful. I will probably have to start dressing up more, that's ok. I think I still know how to look the part.

What do YOU think I should consider in my negotiations...both concessions and demands. I haven't had to negotiate any kind of real employment issues in YEARS. Any and all help is greatly appreciated.

The more I think about it the more it seems like Radar's job on M.A.S.H.!!!! ROFL

But he was supposed to stay 4 years old forever....

The 'hood has been quiet since that incident. Walter told me today that I can't make him stay in the house. He will go out when I'm gone.

He feels like a prisoner and he can defend himself he says.

GEEEEEEEZ......

He is, and no he can't, not against guns and knives. But he's right. Nothing I can do. He'll be careful and be inside before dark.

Why his sudden defiance? Well its really not so sudden, but usually when I put my foot down, he doesn't outright defy me, he doesn't act all manly, just resigned and petulant. He respects my right to make the decisions.

He is questioning my reasoning and authority.

My kid..... Even annoyed at him I know where it comes from. I know he means it. He is thinking clearly. He refuses to give in to fear.

He's got a girlfriend. He told me yesterday. He asked permission to give her our phone number.

GEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZ.......

I'm not ready for this.

He's my baby. Now he's acting like a guy of all things!

He's almost 15 years old. A little chunky but mostly muscle. He's handsome as the devil in blue jeans, just like my Dad and Grandfather were. I guess I should have known it had to happen pretty soon.

I'm grateful that he's moral and good. He's a gentleman. He is planning to go over and meet little Miss Danielle's parents to make sure its ok for him to hang out with their daughter...OMG, he is sooooooooo old fashioned. He's planning on asking permission to court her in essence.

I know I'm a lucky Mom....but I don't feel so lucky right now. My baby is growing up so fast and his blasted siblings still haven't provided me with a child to hold and cuddle.

He needs to shave. I don't even know how to teach him.

I know that I did and am doing exactly what I was supposed to do with that nearly blue baby I gave birth to all those years ago. I did well, I took a helpless baby boy and turned him into a man who doesn't need me to hold him anymore.

What else could I do?

We worked out the terms, negotiated and compromised. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do....Mom's just gotta deal with it.

I love the man he is becoming but I still want my baby back.

I'm supposed to be sleeping

Hi again....Damn I've just been prolific lately haven't I? Well I have too much time on my hands and no focus for anything else....

Work was ok today. I did mostly billing work. Some filing. Not much front desk stuff today but I did have a long chat with a guest of ours who happens to be a lawyer. I think he was liking me a bit towards the end. It was kind of funny because, at first he didn't seem attracted to me, but the more we talked about law, the more he moved in closer and closer until I was downright uncomfy with the proximity. Too funny huh? I was glad when I was called away for more office work.

I've been on the phone allllllllllllllllll freakin day it seems. Suddenly everyone is checking up on me! I hate that. Does my family really think I am going to go spastic now? Well at least they are paying back some favors (well except for lil sis Rhonda....I owe her more than I will ever be able to repay in this lifetime, God blessed me with her!).

I love my family, don't misunderstand, crazy disfunctional lot that we are..... but they expect me to be super human sometimes and always assume that I can do everything on my own or..... and this is the thing that ticks me off.... they think I should try to flirt with some guy to get the guy to do stuff. I can say this because I am southern....It's part of the southern way of life. Bat my lashes and men are supposed to grant my wishes. If only it were so easy. Hell if only I would lose my pride and let them....roflmao.....maybe it could be that easy.....

I've become so annoyed with folks lately, for ignoring me or blowing me off when I've asked for a return on the many many favors I've done for all of them (including thousands of dollars worth of free legal because of my connections) from computer repair, to documents and baby sitting that I have quit taking thier calls as a rule. Now that I'm sooooooooooo broken hearted, they are all hovering about (probably to see if I really am human LOL). Not to mention baby-sis Rhonda has probably told them all off about me again (She loves me!!!! I am sooooooooo lucky!) I've decided to take terrible advantage of them all.... well maybe not terrible, but hey, I need a few things done and I am family right?

My brother is going to come over and air up my blasted tires on Friday so I can get it out of my back yard and get new tires put on. (Wow....finally now that the weather IS nice enough to walk in, someone is actually going to help me out, but then again, no one mentioned to my brother I needed it done, even when I asked someone to check with him for me.) My Dad actually made the effort to make sure I received my mail in a timely fashion (I get Walters SS check at thier house because my neighborhood is so bad, and trust me the kid needs the money for stuff related to his socialization issues....I use it all on stuff to help him cope with the form of autism he has) and even Cindy has been getting some of her crap out of my house (now if she'd only take her stupid 3 cats before I get the urge to have road-kill cuisine!).

Rhonda is trying to call in a favor. She wants me to have a game night with her and her fiance's single male friend, Sandy. I'm not real enthused, but apparently I am single whether I feel it or not, and I can't deny Rhonda any reasonable thing, so I told her to set it up and I would go. I know it sounds petty, but I'd feel better about it if he at least had a more manly moniker.... ROFLMAO..... I didn't realize I was that shallow.... Now a man has to be at least 5'8", halfway intelligent and have a cool name... Talk about greedy!! She does understand I am not going to fall for the guy...

It would be nice to have a date for her wedding in August anyway. I think I told y'all about it.... Martha Stewart meets Billy Idol or some such comparison. It is so funny to think of my very proper, very ladylike (remember I was the tomboy) lil sis marrying a biker!!!! I can see her now....all dressed up in black and cream lace and him in his leathers. Seriously it is going to be a blast!!! A hog roast reception. Unbelievable!!!!! I can guarantee you that the picnic tables will have table cloths and center pieces.... I plan to take lots of pictures. It is soooooooo good to see her so happy! No one deserves happiness like her. She's always been my angel, and she's been the angel for quite a few others too. Like I said, God blessed me with her. I'm glad He's blessing Rhonda now.

So another day without shedding tears or receiving email or any other form of communication from he-who-must-not-be-named. I'm dealing pretty well I think....I'm smoking too much though.

My inner child

I cracked up one of my friends with this today.

My inner child as painted by Norman Rockwell:






Seriously, You have no idea how often I found myself in this particular position then!

I think it suits me right now too.

I haven't cried since I woke up. I've actually cleaned up the mess around the house a bit and I'm going to finish it before the night is through. No letter from the one-who-got-away but that is probably a good portion of the reason I am not crying. I feel a bit stronger without the salt being rubbed into my wounds. Maybe I am even getting a scab or two.

I played rock music all day!

Y'know even when I was a kid I always broke out into a grin when things were about to get *busy*.

A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~Author Unknown

I took his necklace off my neck today. I thought I was choking. I took off the ankle bracelet too, afraid that I might lose my balance once again.

I don't know what to do with them really. So I put them in their boxes and put the boxes on a shelf I never go to. To give them back I would have to see him. I already know how easily he can convince me with those lighter than blue eyes. Too odd not to stare into and once there I would fall. I can't give them away to anyone I care about. It is like a jinx on them. I can't throw them away because they have a power all their own. Maybe I will pull them out now and again and look at them. Remind myself how hearts can burn and still not feel a thing.

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant. ~Salvador Dalí

Right now I wonder if love really exists. I haven't dated anyone since he broke my heart and probably won't for a while. I'm also not leading anyone on. I don't do that. I give everyone my blog address so they can know the truth.

The countless gold of a merry heart, The rubies and pearls of a loving eye,
The indolent never can bring to the mart, Nor the secret hoard up in his treasury.
~William Blake

I recall how he waxed poetically about how wonderful I am and how I need and deserve so much more than he can give me. Like I didn't know that already. I'm pissed because he misrepresented himself to be that man who would at least try to give me what I need and deserve (not to mention all the love and caring I wanted to give right back) and to be looking for the same things.

He called my love a treasure. Yeah right.

What man would pass up a treasure?

I was a time filler.

That in-between woman who fixes a man's heart so he can love someone else. He never loves the in-between woman because she is the one who saw him when he was weak.

Clasp my love around your neck,Wear my heart on your finger.
My soul will be your pendant: I live to adorn you -
You're the precious one. ~Grey Livingston, "Genuine Adoration"

One thing I did learn, if you pick up the pieces you don't get to keep the whole.

I would rather be adorned by beauty of character
than jewels. Jewels are the gift of fortune,
while character comes from within. ~Titus Maccius Plautus

He talks about how he let me slip through his fingers and not how he shut the door in my face.

He takes no responsibility whatsoever for his own actions or rather lack thereof.

He never admits to deceiving me or playing with my heart. He just makes a veiled reference to the baggage on his ship which I assume means his fear.

Give crowns and pounds and guineas But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies, But keep your fancy free.~A.E. Housman

I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds
on my neck. ~Emma Goldman

In choosing fear over me, he lost a lot more than a couple of pieces of jewelry.

The most precious jewels are not made of stone, but of flesh. ~Robert Ludlum

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur

We choose to love, we do not choose to stop loving.--latin proverb

I stole that quote from a friend of mine (and right now I only have just friends) on the dating site Plenty of Fish (which despite my poor judgment is still a great free dating site).

It really is the perfect quote for him, he is a tough on the outside and soft in the middle type of guy. A perfect quote for that type of site.

I was played. I know this now.

I don't know why he emailed me letters telling me how much he loved me after I called it quits. (that is why I gave him the 2 week window to come to his senses) Some pathetic need to hang onto all the hearts he takes a grab at I guess. I felt so guilty about breaking his poor little heart. I felt bad about giving up so soon and the tough choices I had to make.

I felt like a failure because I couldn't break through his *wall of fear*. That wall is nothing but a prop. That way he can get a woman's full attention without ever having to commit to her or give up any real thing from himself.

He's going to be lonely here in a few years when his children finally grow up.

I felt sorry about that too.

Now I just feel kind of stupid.

I'm going to get over this.....My heart might be made of glass, but my spine is made of steel.

Quid pro quo

To be honest, I don't know whether we've broken up or not. We have serious issues though. No contact for 3 days and the previous 2 days were not so hot.

He's been swearing he loves me from day one. He still is. I love him, at least I love what he lets me love. I don't believe he loves me. I think he is fooling himself. He wants to love someone but he is afraid to let anyone actually into his life. He pretends pretty well.

See I don't think a person is capable of loving someone they don't trust.

I don't want to be a secret. Yet while he is a part of my life....I am not a part of his.

It feels untruthful. I'm not willing to be a part of anyone's lie, even if the one they are lieing to is themself.

I explained my current situation and my feelings about these matters to him in much greater detail.

His answer was that he was afraid that he or his children might be hurt by actions I've given no indication I would do, someone else did those things to him.

In a nutshell, he wants to be in my life, be friends with Walter and for me to keep out of his life.

It doesn't work that way with me. One person can not do all the sharing. It is unbalanced.

There is no room for fear in a relationship. You can not love a person you are afraid of.

I told him off pretty good in my last 2 emails to him. I told him to take a couple of weeks to figure out what he wanted his life to be and who he wanted in it. If he doesn't call by then I will know I am not it.

I will move on. Immediately as always. Life is too short to be lonely. I will say *Next*. I just need a definitive answer from him, either by his words and actions inviting me to into his life, for real this time, or by the lack of them. I'm prepared to go in either direction.

Its ironic, that the very thing he was afraid I would do to him, cause pain to him and his children, is the very thing he has done to Walter and me.

I think the thing that makes me angry (and I do have some anger) is that I questioned him extensively (BEFORE I ever got serious with him) about his last relationship and whether or not he was really over it. Its been over a year, according to him, since its been over. She's moved on and he indicated he was more than ready to do the same. I've been as honest with him about what I want out of life as I am in this blog, he said he wanted the same. He's lieing to someone....it doesn't matter whether its him or me.

I want to believe that he loved me, at least in the beginning. It sucks to think I've been fooled. there was never any need to lie to me. I would have kept my feelings in check then, but I still would have dated him. He's a perfectly wonderful man except for all this BS. I have no idea what happened to change things. It wasn't me. I haven't played any jealousy games nor have I hidden anything from him. I don't understand the reason he doesn't want to let this relationship go where it would have already gone naturally had we lived closer together.

Things are worth working out if he comes to his senses. If he doesn't, I can't be sorry about our time together but I will never speak with him again. I will miss him. I could never settle for friendship. It would never be enough.

I think he's being foolish if his words were not all lies. If he spoke the truth even half the time he's going to find out that most women are not like me, and the ones who are have been taken a long time ago. Especially in this area. I don't know about my chances either.

That's the whole part of this thing that makes me so sad. I will love again, but not so fearlessly. At least I've finished crying.

four letter words.

HOPE is a dangerous occupation. Right now I am paying the price for my resolution to HOPE. I don't even know how high the cost will be. I do know that whatever I've spent, the value of HOPE will exceed the cost. HOPE is a bargain at any price.

This week has been awful, some of it I've already written and some of it will have to wait until I heal a bit. Somewhere in the midst of my misery, HOPE called up Faith and the two of them are holding me up pretty well right now. I guess Faith is my surprise bonus gift when I concentrate on HOPE. I'm still going grayer by the minute. I don't want to eat (but I do) and sleep is a battle every night, in and out of it. But I have some kind of supernatural help. Angels all around me.

I know that whatever happens in the numerous milestones I am crossing right now, that it is going to be for the best. I've left it in God's hands. Good Hands. Better than mine, at least I'm hoping.

It even feels kind of like when I had the surgery on my hands. My thumbs were completely useless before it happened. I was in constant severe pain. Everything I tried to do was an exercise in faith because I was as likely to drop something as to keep holding on. I knew what I needed but I was afraid to do it. I did it anyway. I had HOPE for a miracle, even though one wasn't promised.

FEAR (another four letter word) is the truest opposite of HOPE. Fear takes away joy. HOPE brings it. Fear prevents us from planning. HOPE demands it. Fear smothers us and holds us down. HOPE sets us free.

After I had the surgery my thumbs were completely useless. I was in constant severe pain. Everyting I tried to do was an exercise in faith because I was as likely to drop something as to keep holding on.

Not much difference at first.

I wondered why I had the stupid surgery for a couple of months. It wasn't cheap. I had to put my life on hold for 12 weeks all told (and it probably should have been longer). Then slowly the pain eased. I was able to regain maybe 80-90% of the use of my thumbs again. The pain went away. I still drop things once in a while, but for the most part I can hang on. These hands of mine still work, sometimes differently, but they can get what I need done.

Yeah, I had therapy then, and I may need another type of therapy for my present *surgeries* eventually but at least I can hang on.

I'm not afraid of cutting into myself and repairing the damage anymore. A healed injury is better than a gaping wound. Scars fade and we relearn what we can not repeat.

Body and spirit are not that different.

How to be kinder, stronger, better...Instruction Manuals

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;

It never was between you and them anyway."

Author:Mother Teresa



RanDOm Acts of KINDNESS Organization

Oprah_Story

Be Nice or Else

Network for Good

The Caring Institute

Extreme Kindness

Points of Light

Hands On

Habitat for Humanity

The Giving Game

The Kindness Lifestyle

Nice Magazine

Freecycle

LoveMarks

Help Others

Kindness Inc.

Quotes of Kindness

Dare to be an Angel

One Kind Act

A Nice Blog

Free Hugs

Oprah's site


I BELIEVE IN A BETTER WAY (by Ben Harper)



"Better Way"

I'm a living sunset
Lightning in my bones
Push me to the edge
But my will is stone
I believe in a better way
Fools will be fools
And wise will be wise
But i will look this world
Straight in the eyes
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way
What good is a man
Who won't take a stand
What good is a cynic
With no better plan
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way
Reality is sharp
It cuts at me like a knife
Everyone i know
Is in the fight of their life
I believe in a better way
Take your face out of your hands
And clear your eyes
You have a right to your dreams
And don't be denied
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way

Just a Quick One...

Hey everyone

I've been trying to write something substantial like Lisa has recently...but I am so wrapped up in my love and family lives that I only have bits and pieces put together.... I need to be baking cookies right now because I want to send some home with Scott for his kids, I am giving some to Celia, Billy and their friend for putting tires on my car this weekend and I promised some to a person I know who is working hard to get Celia and Billy a job with a major airline. Serious advancement opportunities!

So I'm not slacking here....just have my priorities right and they are all due about right now.

Today was a great day.... Walter is in a great mood and working hard to control his emotions, and he has been making a concentrated effort on his school work....I am soooooooo proud of my kid for his efforts....Then I was so good at work... It was a good thing because the General Manager is shadowing us. I made not less than 12 priority club memberships while taking reservations. Damn I am sooooooooo good!

:;:sigh::: life is good.

Well I lest my newly found joy bore you all to death.....Lisa is doing some real thinking these days....Go visit her here.