Its Time For A Cool Change

Life isn't exactly good...but it feels good. Does that even make sense? I can just feel it. Lots of changes going on for me right now. Isn't that always the case? I think things are getting better. So many things all at once now that despite my desire to write all about them, it would take days so I am making a list so I have time to go visit you!

...if you are curious about anything on this list and want to know more....email me.

1. Decided not to work it out with the room mate. Finally realize that just because something could be doesn't actually mean it should be. I guess the fact that I couldn't bring myself to move past the room mate stage should have given me a clue.



2. Kids are all doing great. Richard is the same as always..works plays and won't settle down with one woman. Celia has been promoted up at work...she loves it. Walter is getting really good at videos and looking forward to the end of Summer Skateboarding competition (he's also getting more responsible and less moody).

3. Walter may have broken yet another video camera. If this kid didn't have talent I would finish the job on his head! Kudos for him though....he didn't lose his temper, blame God or the cosmos, and he didn't have a tantrum. Might be growing up after all.






4. Had to replace our cell phones (mine was broken by above listed roommate). They are totally cool but not texting machines. Both of them have blue tooth, video cameras and MP3 players and web access if I would allow it. I can add 4 (originally phone only took 2g) gig of memory to mine (and I will). Walter didn't need 4 gig addl. memory because he has separate cameras and mp3 players (I want to be a kid again so I can have all the cool stuff). My new ring tone is "you make my pants wanna get up and dance* by Dr. Hook. I have this Motorola and Walter has this Nokia. I bought him a rather heavy duty cover as well. The cost? Less than $150 and 30 months on my contract. I am pretty happy with Centennial so it was no big deal extending it out.


5. I got really kind of pissed off at work recently and felt the single action of someone very high up (not my boss) had completely insulted and disregarded several coworkers and myself. I was going to quit and rightfully so but I've come back to Earth. I love my job. It would be stupid to work someplace boring and/or draining again. Going to try to wait out the economy and the stress levels here. The person doesn't screw up that much (not to mention that because of his position he can really do whatever he wants) and my pride can be a bad thing sometimes. No one wants me to go. Not even me really. So here I will stay.

6. Bought a used laptop and refurbed it. Love it...well except for this keyboard that isn't tilted quite right for my touch typing. I will get the hang of it though. Still need to replace the battery...one of these days Walter won't be needing a new skateboard, camera, pair of shoes, new jeans, or school supplies and I will get it. Meanwhile it only has 60 G of HD space but I do have a 220 G external drive so that really isn't much of a foreseeable problem. It runs XP and I have .75G of fast ram which is fine for my use of this computer (mostly word processing... games or heavy graphics). CDRW+DVD, Good (not great) wireless (connects at 54mbps on my 100 mbps connection) and 2.0 USB (2) rounds out the basic system with a 4 port extension module (brings it up to 5 - 2.0 usb connections). In all I have invested about $250. How do you think I did?

7. Was going to go to the 4-H fair this weekend but since Walter needs a new video camera I think I will give him the choice about where the money will go. I'd probably spend about $200 on the fair and I can get him a new (albeit cheap) video camera and a day at the skate park for that.

8. Stayed after work for Wednesday Women's Wind-down last night (a thing we have in The Cellar Door Restaurant and Lounge at our Hotel) and I had my tarot cards read by a self professed witch. Around here she is known as the "Grey Witch" and she lives in a place called Ravyn house (not too far from where I live). Amazingly accurate. She said I have 3 major decisions to make. (Wondering if I've already made 2 of them???) That I had inherited psychic gifts from my Grandmother (and other family members)....and she just knew things she couldn't possibly know.

9. Met some of my boss/Friends (hereafter referred to as SC)'s friends. SC has nice friends. I liked them.

10. Have decided that I should move to this apartment complex 1 block away from work. It is a converted High School (my mother attended it back when). Check out the link to the actual apartment site. It has floor plans and everything. Tell me what you think!





11. I'm beginning my 2nd week of the *Activia Challenge*. WOW!!! You would never believe how good I feel. I really was full of shit!!! :::snickering::: Seriously, I have lost about 6 inches around my middle- that happened almost immediately. My overall health has improved as well as my energy level. Yep I am regular. No cramps or churning. But its more than that. When one's body shuts down because of stress, as in my case, or any other reason...it begins poisoning itself. That's right. Poison. Stuff we don't use is supposed to go away. Its like any other clutter in your life...its messy. At any rate for any of you who wondered if it works...I give it an unqualified thumbs up. I used to take medicine for this condition (IBS) and it didn't work nearly as well as Activia. Activia is a lot cheaper and healthier too. Try it.

12. Currently updating and certifying my skills set. I started when I thought I would be changing jobs, but despite deciding to stay at my current job, I am going to continue with this. You never know when a promotion will open up and also the economy could crash again and take the hotel with it. Better safe than sorry.

Well theres more.... life has been eventful but I need a break and then I need to catch up with you....

Hope y'all had wonderful days!

My mother's mother's life

A week ago today my family and I celebrated the life of my Grandmother. I think I've finally come to terms with everything....

I was asked to speak there and I did. In dreams I was overcome by the spirits of first my grandmother and then my grandfather. In fact, I wrote it quickly after the first dream....but the dream I had the next night made it clear that it wasn't quite finished. Grandpa always said if you are going to do a thing....do it right. He loved my Grandma too much to allow me to neglect certain aspects of her personality...most notably her damnable determination. Both frustrating and admirable while she lived, I completely left it out until the second dream.

Below is the memorial speech I gave in honor of my Grandma...I'm not really sure if I wrote it. It is pretty much exactly as I recited it with one small exception...the minister who spoke before me also stated he felt touched by my (very very determined) Grandmother and felt that she wanted him to include the same poem she directed me to say...so I didn't repeat in my speech it but I left it in the version below. LOL....guess I should have tried to go first....

Grandma always said I had a habit of using $20.00 words for a $5.00 message. I'll try to keep this on the cheap side. There aren't enough days in the year to share all the stories I would like to share or for you to share back anyway. I just want to give your memories a nudge and your heart a smile. I think that is all Grandma wants me to do anyway.

Some would say she had her ups and downs and no doubt she would say that too. I'm not here to talk so much about that. We've all had them. She handled them better than most.

As far as I've ever been concerned, she and Grandpa were the greatest influences in my life and the people that I want most to be like. They may not have been rich in dollars, but their lives were more valuable than all the gold in the world. They were plain people who could have had more for themselves if they had been willing to do less for others. They chose to enrich others instead. In the end, thier legacies to us are far more valuable than any money they could have left us. They were good people. We were truly blessed.

We are here to remember Grandma today and I guess what I'd like for us all to remember most is not that she died but that she really live, not quietly, not sorrowfully but loudly and boldly. Some would even say she was a bit of an eccentric. She'd like to hear them saying it too!.

She lived life on her terms and to her own satisfaction as much as I think any of us really can. In that way I like to think I'm a little bit like her. I think most of you are a bit like that too. As a matter of fact, I'd go so far as to say we are kind of known as that kind of family around these parts.

Waneta Rogers was an amazing woman. She was not much bigger than the leprachauns she tried to convince me still lived in Ireland. She dyed her hair bright red to give the world warning that she was a firebrand. She worked and played harder than men 4 times (not just twice) her size. Even so, she was completely feminine. She kept up her appearances and never let the world see her down. Grandma even dressed up and put make-up on before she went to the Salvation Army store (which she called the Sally-Shop). She mended and restyled her purchases so well that people would often comment on her fashion style and try to get her to reveal where she found such lovely pieces. She told the truth, but was seldom believed about it.

Grandma was a capable woman. There wasn't any person or any situation that she couldn't handle effectively. She could manage my siblings, my cousins and me all at the same time with a single look and she could make everything right in the world with one sweet smile. Heaven help the poor soul that would try to harm one of us. She could handle them too!

Let us remember, with a glad heart, the woman who defied convention and married an Indian when that just wasn't done. Let us remember the woman who tamed that wild giant of a man too. She never judged people on something so minor as the color of their skin, she made friends based on the content of their hearts. She was a supportive wife, a loving mother, a thoughtful sister, a wonderful friend, and the kind of grandmother that all children wish for. She was known as quite the character too! You never knew for sure what she would say or do next but it was pretty hard to be bored around her. She was interesting all the time. I don't think I ever heard her use the word *bored*. I don't think she knew it. I'm pretty sure she never was.

I'm also sure she wouldn't be pleased if she were to look down on us and see us crying or whining about our loss today. You all know that she didn't like cry babies or complainers much. I should know, when I was a child I was one. She had a few colorful sayings for that type of behavior. *Youknowwhat or get off the pot!*. If you don't like it then change it. Seriously, Grandma could have written Nike ads. Just do it! It was impossible to be wishy-washy around her. She simply would not stand for it.

Lord help you if you ever said the word *can't* in her presence. Actually to this, I can almost hear her reminding me that *the Lord helps them that helps themselves!*

I can honestly say that without this not-so-gentle wisdom from Grandma, I would not be who I am today. Chances are neither would any of you.

So lets not cry today. If you must shed a tear let it be a tear of joy for being so lucky to have been a part of her life. Lets celebrate her! Lets be grateful we have such a wonderful legacy in her memory. Grandma was a fireball! She was an oddity! She was freakin hilarious most of the time! She was also courageous and kind. She was smart, especially in politics and current events and plain spoken. She never pretended to be anyone she wasn't. Of all the people I've ever known, she was the most comfortable in her own skin. She was true to herself. We should all aspire to be more like her in that way. She was a practical woman. She never wasted a thing and was recycling items long before it became the *thing to do*. Waste not. Want not. She had her priorities and she lived by them. Family came first, then friends, then strangers. She never cared about any material thing. She only cared about people. Especially her people. Especially us.

She was the first one I ever heard say *Dynamite comes in small packages*. Truer words were never spoken.

We don't want to forget her people watchers because it was a really warped sense of humor that came up with that one. I swear I was afraid to misbehave because I just knew that Grandma could see us through all those magical (as she told me) eyes.

Remember the unusual knick-knacks and collectors items she called dust catchers, but couldn't part with. That's because we kept giving them to her. It was never the decorations she liked, it was having little pieces of us around that she couldn't give up.

We don't want to forget that she would help out her neighbors and welcome strangers either. She defended her family against any danger that came and never backed down from evil. She was something special. When she had a word or two to say, EF Hutton listened.

Let us remember those gentle hands that could give us a man size whoopin or an angel's hug depending upon our needs at the time. Let us remember her eyes crinkled in laughter or touching our soul in the few tears she shed. Don't you forget that stubborn chin either! When she was right she was right.

I won't forget her determination. When she couldn't drive any longer, she took up riding that adult size tricycle, despite the fact that it really was way too big for her. She was something else! If one solution didn't work, she always found another. Long before people ever said the words *failure is not an option* she was living them.

Some would say our life is less now that she is gone....not me. My life is *more* because she lived. My life is more because every lesson she ever taught me comes up again and again. She made sure I had the right answers. How can I cry about her death when I still feel her life in me? I still see evidence of her in my children. I can look around and see evidence of her existence in each of us here. When I look at my daughter, Grandma's eyes smile back at me. I still see her. I still feel the love she gave us. Its that voice in my head that tells me in very colorful ways to not give up when things get tough. When I fall I can hear Grandma snickering and telling me that my backside isn't going to do me much good sitting on the ground like that. Her invisible arms still comfort me in my sadness. Her wisdom keeps me from being too hypocritical. I hear her laughter everytime I see some really bizarre knick knack. I think of her and she lives. Actually I don't even need to think of her first, not when I can see her so plainly in your faces.

I know she lives for you too..

So I don't want to see any of you shedding too many tears.

You know Grandma didn't like crybabies.
　
Someone once wrote these words, I'm not sure who.....but I think Grandma felt this way....
　
When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free


Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me - but let me go


For this is a journey that we must all take
And each must go alone
It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home


When you are lonely, and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me - but let me go

　

Thank you.
　

Nostalgia

If auld aquaintance......

I've had a migraine since Wednesday. Seriously. Bad Bad Bad. I'm left work early. I still have not received a New Years Eve Midnight Kiss in my life. (I'm thinking this is an omen) I finally started feeling better (but still kind of tired) a couple of hours ago.

I had dropped Walter off at the College Football Hall of Fame. His Winter hang out since there isn't an enclosed skatepark anymore and laid down for a nap. When he called at 4:30 for pick-up...I woke up, feeling refreshed and singing moonshadow....Seriously....*i'm being followed by a moon shadow...moon shadow moon shadow.



In the dream I was 11 again. Snuggled up against my favorite (and missing) Aunt. Wearing my Native American braids tied with leather just like hers.... As my aunt softly strummed her folk guitar she taught me the words to this song. It was a happy song to sing when I was sad or confused. She loved me and I her. For reasons I won't share I haven't seen her since around that time. It was the most awful year of my childhood for losses....that was also the year my Grandfather passed on. The thing is, she was one of the most influential people in my life. I am sure this memory has a special meaning for me now....not really hidden either as I contemplate my recent moods....

Moon Shadow
Cat Stevens

I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
and if I ever lose my hands
lose my plough, lose my land
oh, if I ever lose my hands
oh, if...I won’t have to work no more
and if I ever lose my eyes
If my colours all run dry
yes, if I ever lose my eyes
oh if …I won't have to cry no more.
yes, I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
and if I ever lose my legs
I won't moan and I won't beg
Oh if I ever lose my legs
oh if...I won't have to walk no more
And if I ever lose my mouth
all my teeth, north and south
yes, if I ever lose my mouth
oh if...I won't have to talk..............
Did it take long to find me
I ask the faithful light
Ooh did it take long to find me
And are you going to stay the night
I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow moon shadow -
moon shadow moon shadow - moon shadow

She had moon shadows following her....and I have mine. Its all about questioning your life. About living life with joy despite the constant need for answers and worries plaguing you. I've been thinking about running away again. I'm so good at that. Worries about my youngest child, the economy here, the changes happening at work, the crime, and being in a dead-end relationship. I don't want to be alone though. Those are my moon shadows.... Blocking the light. Still as the year I concentrate on Hope comes to a close this month I find that hope is ever present. I think I've got a real grip on it now. The dream helped but I think I would have reached sanity again....As soon as Spring came.

I'm not going anywhere. I will deal with whatever I have to deal with....

Let the light shine down.

Its been a loooooooong Day!

Ok... Its a good thing I drank all that cappuccino.

The FD was short handed today. I had to cover there. It was a mad house. Almost 150 check-outs and then a wedding party checking in. There were also other events we were hosting but not rooming. Only one person was scheduled. Even if the usual 2 people were scheduled I would have needed to help out. Then the phones were going spastic. Then there were problems with some of the guests wanting to change their room types after the reservations had already been filled. We couldn't do it. I had a couple of really bad calls. Not all of them were assholes AND idiots but one was.

This guy called me for directions during the height of early a.m. check-outs. I was doing my best to assist him while simultaneously checking out guests (which was already rude, but he REFUSED to hold for a minute). He wanted to know how to come here from Chicago without using the toll road.

"Sir I don't travel much, I only know the toll road route"

"You shouldn't work in a hotel if you don't travel!!!!!!!!!" (the guy was shouting)

"I'm sorry Sir, I'm actually an accountant, I am just assisting the front desk for a moment" (I'm thinking you don't have to be dead to work in a morgue) "If you'd like, I can have the valet-driver call you when he gets back"

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOUR DRIVER IS NOT THERE!!!!!"

"I'm sorry Sir" (I'm thinking our driver is DRIVING and that this is a hotel not mapquest)

"I want to talk to your manager!!!!" (its barely 8 a.m., management doesn't come in until 9 a.m. just like most businesses, I was early today).

"I'm sorry Sir, but my manager is unavailable right now, however she will be available later this morning"

"YOU AREN'T ANY HELP AT ALL!!!! FINE I WILL TAKE THE TOLL
ROAD. WHICH EXIT?!?!"

"Just a moment Sir, I want to verify that" (I didn't want to send him down the wrong exit since I've never driven from Chicago to here....he already knew I didn't travel)

"JESUS CHRIST...YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!!! I want YOUR name and the name of your Manager!!!! (I could hear him whipping around traffic, the man was driving, bitching me out on the phone, obviously had NO idea of where he was going and now he was taking notes....and he is acting like I am stupid?)

"It is either 77 or 78, I just want to be sure I give you the right one Sir. My name is TRESSA (spelled it at his request) and my manager is _________."(Her name didn't need spelled because it is common.)

"What is your LAST name???" (as if I was holding out on some big secret)

"Well , Sir, my last name is Bailey" (I spelled it in case he was even dumber than I thought), "but my first name will be all that is needed, I am the only person with that name here." (as far as I know the only other person within a hundred miles of me with that name is dead. I was named after her).

"I just don't want there to be any mistakes" (oh yeah....he was a real M-F-er... this one)

"One moment Sir, let me verify that exit. (I ask my very busy co-worker which one while he is busily huffing and puffing into the phone so I will know how irritated he is.) "77 Sir"

"FINE. and THEN WHAT?!?!"

"I don't understand Sir, what do you mean by then what?" (I don't know if he wants further directions or instructions as to how to check into our hotel).

"WHICH WAY DO I GO AFTER I LEAVE THE EXIT!?!?!?!?!" (the man is LOOKING for a heart-attack) He didn't need to get all "huffy" about it.

Well of course I know there is only one way he can go without breaking any traffic laws, I know where I wished he would go... I'm trying to come up with the best way to make him feel like less of an idiot than telling him this and that you can see the city from exit. We are the tallest building in town, you can see us from there. I paused just a moment too long, I think, thinking about how to put this into words without offending him....I could hear him huffing and puffing again.

"CAN I speak to a manager?!?"

"I'm sorry sir, but our offices open at 9:00, you can speak with my colleague though, if you wish."

"Let me talk to her then, AT LEAST SHE KNOWS WHICH EXIT!"

"I'll have to put you on hold for just a moment Sir." He was grumbling about stupid bitches as I placed him on hold. My coworker did not appreciate me passing the buck, but she was MOD. She took the call.

He was just as mean and rude to her. I don't think she had to spell her name out though.

She ended the conversation (after she had, even more painstakingly than I, explained how to get here from there....and she travels a lot!...the guy was an idiot) with 'Thank you for choosing our hotel, Sir! I certainly hope you enjoy your stay. We look forward to having you here!"

I knew she meant every word of it.

NOT!!!! (but the girl deserves an Academy Award!)

THANK GOD I HAVE THE WEEKENDS OFF.

All day at work it was stuff like this, not as bad....but stupid stuff all day long. I ended up bringing work home just so I could get the heck out of there after another long day (9 hours..most of them on my feet).

So now I don't even feel like going to the grocery store. I managed to keep my spirits up all the way home. I just know though, that something bad is going to happen...something stupid, like my pocket will get picked, if I leave this house. Looks like its going to be grilled cheese for dinner!

Thank God tomorrow is a brand new day.

I need another cappuccino.

Native American wedding photos

August 30th was a beautiful Summer Day. Much too hot for an outdoor wedding....but like the ancestors that I am sure witnessed us from Heaven....we endured.

All the costumes are authentic hand made costumes made mostly by my Mother, but my nephew Adam made his own costume as did the Chief and his wife. Cherokee women don't get to wear the sexy outfits that Apaches wore. Nope we are required to be FULLY covered and modest. Sucks big time.

We entered the blessed circle in the traditional clockwise manner were handed a small packet and took our seats. Families sit together. Singles sit separately. The smells of sage and tobacco permeated our senses but it was a lovely smell, not at all like cigarrettes because this was utreated tobacco. The tobacco was not for smoking at this point. It was for an offering. Sage is burned to bless the circle, much the same way that catholic priests and wiccans use it. The Cherokee way of faith seems very Catholic at times...with a touch of witchcraft. I realize that statement may offend some, I mean no disrespect, I am just trying to describe what I've lived with most of my life.

The wedding ceremony

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.

Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.

Now there is no more loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.

Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.

Go now to your dwelling to enter into the days of your life together.

And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

My mother is in the red-print dress, Dave's (the groom) mother is in the solid pinkish dress. My sister Rhonda is wearing a traditional floral headpiece made by her neighbor. The blue blankets are full of symbolism, mostly about solitude, reflection and loyalty. They each have thier own native woven blanket to symbolise their separate beginnings. Behind the chief you will notice the basket with white gifts in it. These were packets of real tobacco in order for us to thank the Great Spirit by enriching the Earth. A wonderful event occurred during this ceremony. 2 hawks (our family's totem consists of hawks and wolves. I've always considered myself a wolf, which is the minority, but Rhonda considers herself a hawk) began circling the wedding site (consecrated ground which was roped off). This is considered a wonderful omen, a blessing from our ancestors and Heaven itself. I believe in omens like this. The circle became steadily smaller until the hawks were almost hovering around and around Rhonda and Dave. I silently said *Hi* to my Grandpa and cousin Sue for attending. I'm sure they also wanted Rhonda to finally feel the joy she has always deserved.

The Blessing

Above you are the stars, below you are the stones.

As time does pass, remember, like a star should your love be constant.

Like a stone should your love be firm.

Have patience with each other, for storms will come, but they will go quickly.

Be free in giving of affection and warmth and be sensuous to one another.

Have no fear, and let not the words of the unenlightened give you unease.

For the Great Spirit is with you, now and forever.

A May Naa (amen)

Now they are given their own single white blanket to symbolise, of course, that the two are now one. The white color is to symbolise the purity of thier love, white was not always available, and not required so much as the best fabric or hide available. It is more about placing the highest value on the partnership rather than the parts of the marriage. Truly, if all marriages had this basis, I think that divorce could almost be ended.

A Ceremonial Dance

This is Adam, my nephew, my brother's son. He is a well known Native American artist as well as competitive in both drums and dance in our area. The last couple of years, he's even ventured outside the area. He has won many many events. Pay close attention to his costume. He made everything. Even the thread. He hunted the deer that hide came from with a bow and arrow. He didn't waste any of it. What wasn't eaten was used for clothing or art. Native Americans never kill animals indiscriminately. It is against our faith to waste the Earth or its creatures. Every one of those feathers he gathered and cleaned. He made the beads from twigs and stones and various other *found* objects. Native Americans recycle everything as a way of life and out of respect to the Earth that the Great Spirit provided us.

After the ceremony we blessed the ground with our tobacco and went to the gift blanket to pick out our tokens from the happy couple. Cherokee people measure wealth, not by how much you retain, but by how much you give away. Weddings are a big event and require many gifts. I think it is a wonderful way of life even if I can't practice it fully. I do live in a white world.

We left by rejoining and completing the circle.


Rhonda, Adam, Dave

Of course the folks had to have this shot. The happy couple and their gorgeous grandson.

I wish y'all could have enjoyed it with me. I will post more pictures of the absurdity of the guests in the near future. I wore shorts. They were nice ones and it was over 95 degrees in the shade. Some bikers wore some crazy shit! Gotta love thier attitude though. Love me or not...here I am. Salt of the Earth types. Several people were dressed more traditionally formal as well. The hog (hawg) was roasted to perfection and we had 2 tables of additional food and yet another table for deserts. If anyone left hungry it was their own fault.

I will never marry again.... but if I did this would be the way to go. Its technically not legal (no divorce needed though Rhonda and Dave had a legal marriage and a regular nondemonitional religious ceremony first) yet it still invokes real commitment. Not to mention its cool to be casual.

Addiction

A few years back I wrote an essay regarding my decision to quit smoking. I did it too.....or rather I took a year long pause. I started smoking again and I'm attempting to quit again. Some days are better than others. I have found that with one adult support person I do fine, but with more than that I feel a pressure to smoke. I don't know whether or not that is to give them a reason to continue to support me or to defy them. God only knows my motivation sometimes.


I have been trying to figure out my addiction to addiction. I married and divorced 3 addicted men. Sex, Drugs and/or alcohol. Everyone of them a smoker too.


I finally admit that in my late teens up until my early 30's I was anorexic and often bulimic. Not a pretty way to be pretty. I added an addiction to speed to help it all along. For years I was a size 3 or 4 on my 5'4" frame..... My mother gave me my first pill so I would have enough energy to go to school, and then come home and help take care of my sisters baby and run the house until she could get home from her second shift job. I was the oldest one left at home and said baby-mama had run off somewhere. It was a nice side affect that it helped me lose the baby fat and be model-thin. I guess I started that when I was 12 or 13 and it stayed with me until I was put on those steroidal drugs when I was 39. Even anorexia and bulimia cannot help you lose weight when you are on steroids. One would think that my best friend dieing of a combo drug addiction of speed and downers would have made me stop at 35, but it didn't. I always felt that she took *too much* and I was smarter. Truth is I was just luckier. I didn't like downers.


I became addicted to cigarettes and marijuana (yes, you can so be addicted) in my early teens. I was a bit of a problem drinker then too, but alcohol has never been addictive to me, too many problems with it, it was just a way to fit in with the wild crowd. I am one of those people who fall asleep after 2 beers/glasses of wine, but I can barely cop a good buzz off harder liquor. I loved Marijuana. It just made me really happy and it spurred my imagination. It also took my short term memory and made me act really stupid sometimes. It took some of my pain away (I had it kind of rough then). I was lucky enough to have a couple of teachers who thought my brain was worth saving (they didn't know about the addictions related to thinness) so they dumped every alcoholic drink they could catch me with and generally shadowed me so much that my wilder friends wanted nothing to do with me for fear they too would get busted.

I haven't smoked weed since I was 17. I will be eternally grateful to those teachers for the rest of my life. I would have looked for better stronger highs without their intervention. The crowd I was running with are mostly dead or recovering felons now. Those teachers probably saved my life. It wasn't illegal to smoke cigarettes then, the students even had smoking areas. I had parental approval. It was a different world. Otherwise I am sure they would have made me stop those too.


Which brings me prolifically back to the point of this post. Its time to really quit smoking like I mean it. Its a good time to do it. I plan to move into a different apartment soon (one that doesn't smell of day-old smoke) in a better part of town. My car should be running by then. My job is good, my love life is going well and Cindy finally came and picked up her freaking feline friends (only one cat now). Its Spring!!!! So many stressors are gone or going. That new hopeful phase of my life that I've been concentrating on since January 31 is finally looking like a success, despite a few serious setbacks.


I don't think I am as physically addicted as I am emotionally and psychologically addicted. I smoke the most when I am alone. If I am around non-smokers without any real stressors I can go all day pretty much without one......but the moment stress, boredom or loneliness hits me I find myself reaching for my favorite crutch. This weekend I smoked only 5 cigarettes on Saturday and only 4 on Sunday. Today at work and on my way home I've smoked 8 already.


I need new habits...nervous habits and coping mechanisms. The rubber band around the wrist snapping just annoys me and makes me want a smoke. I need better suggestions....maybe something that reminds me its my choice and a good one or something that is at least neutral.
I don't know how to live life without some addiction or another. Maybe what I need is a *good* addiction.

Personal Updates

I'm tired...forgive me....just going to make a list.

1. Made a new friend, Stacy. We are twins beneath the skin (read she is 4 inches taller, black and a whole lot cuter...but we both have a wacky sense of humor and high intelligence). Our first hang-out time we went to a local non-meat-market bar and had some french fries and a couple of drinks. An ugly, OLD, weird white guy kept hitting on her. Long story short....after I let her suffer for a few, I leaned into her, whispered in her ear...just pretend we are gay, and then I stroked her back and shoulder ever so sensuously...shared a few words and watched the ugly, OLD, weird white guy scurry out. It was hilarious. Look for more fun retellings soon.

2. I'm doing better on house cleaning.

3. I'm doing worse on quitting smoking.

4. My sister still hasn't picked up her damned cats. I swear I am going to cook some exotic cuisine here pretty soon.

5. Walter and Danielle broke up, it wasn't mean though. Still friends. YAY that they are friends and that it was so easy to take.

6. S'posed to meet a sometime commenter on this very blog this coming weekend. I met him on POF and we share a lot of commonalities, including autistic family members. I've considered him a friend for a long while. I'm looking way forward to it. He's a really funny, nice man.

7. I've been spending an inordinate amount of time lately doing favors for my friends and family. Right now I am trying to fix not 1 but 3 computers....Figures that not even one of them is an easy fix right? I need to finish an Estate for Dennis (the old boss), I am preparing some fliers for another friend.

8. I have a lot of studying to do that I am procrastinating about regarding the new position. Someone tell me to quit playing around and take it serious OK?

9. I'm looking at men as something other than Fate's weapon against me these days. I've made the conscious choice not to wax poetic about a budding romance in this forum again (not because of you people, but because of me being embarrassed about being stupid), but its safe to say that I am interested in pursuing romance again. When I actually commit to just one and I am positive it is going to last a while, I'll let you in on it.

10. I've decided to move in June hopefully. I'm hoping to work out something with Dennis regarding his apartments. He's been wanting me to manage them for cut rate rent, but I want two of the apartments....not just one. I need a bit more space than he thinks. More negotiations. One way or another I am moving out of this dump. Going to start packing this week.

11. Work is going to be killer the next 2 months or so.

12. For those who asked, my new blog links are there to the right of this screen under *My Words* Most of them are just reposts or rewritten snippets from this blog or the old one. at this point, but henceforth it should mostly be new stuff.

So please forgive my frequent absences from this forum and yours....Maybe I will have it all together again sometime yet this Summer!

Wish me luck!

Just another crazy day!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! My son is having dinner with his girlfriend and her family....OMFG!!! First he gets a girlfriend then he is willing to spend his money (trust me Walter never spends HIS money when he can spend mine) treating his girl to sodas....he's waiting by the freaking phone....and now this!!!!

ROFLMAO....OK OK....I'm kinda sorta coping. It is absolutely adorable and I am happy he's happy. I still want my baby back....the only thing that would make me feel better is for my daughter to call me up and tell me she's going to deliver me a new baby....dern her responsibility!

I've been doing well these days. Getting on with life and flirting outrageously. Not dating yet. Being careful. Enjoying life a lot.

I've been writing and working on my other blog a bit...its mostly re-posts right now...but it will be where I keep my real essay writing since I can't seem to stop myself from going knee deep into the personal in this blog. Not that the new one isn't personal...just more applicable to others.

Next thing is to do a new poetry page.

At work, I sort of let it slip that I may be looking for another job, sheesh....I only wanted to let the Manager I do like understand my position so that we can stay friends after and now she wants to move me strictly back office and was willing to adjust my hours like crazy... I dunno...I am still pretty ticked about what happened with Celia...but I'm going to play it by ear a bit. It is good experience.

My little sister had her civil marriage today! Rhonda has never had much joy in her life and has always selflessly sought to bring it to others. I think it's finally her turn.

We are still having a *rerun* wedding and hogroast reception though!

This is how it stands at this point:

Little Miss Prissy and Hubby, Leather Jacket Hard Core Harley Dude will have the marriage blessed in the church. Rhonda will be wearing cream lace, Dave his biker leathers. Then we return to their home for the Native American ceremony. Rhonda will change into authentic (but imho hideously ugly unless we can find a way to fix it and still keep the authenticity intact) Cherokee wedding dress. Her blonde hair and fair skin will no doubt look like a halo about her. Dave will be wearing his biker leathers (YOU GO DAVE!!!! Don't let our crazy Mama intimidate you!) Then of course the HOG ROAST reception with the addition of a Polish potluck wedding dinner (which you know I will be helping to cook). There will be a rock band and dj'd music. Rhonda is planning white table cloths with lace over the pic-nic tables and area tables, flowered centerpieces and various temporary landscaping. She wants a lot of ribbons and bows.

Does anyone know where I can find miniature harleys for the centerpieces? I truly think it would be the finishing touch!

OMG I can't wait!

Who amongst you wants to break my fingers?

Stomp on my keyboard?

Shut off my electricity?

Make me stop?

See the reason I need a boyfriend is so that I have someone to write these long long letters too. LOL....

So today was supposed to be the last of the two week window but then later I told him to take as long as he likes with the added comment that basically I might be still here or I might not be. Way to put my foot down right?

Would someone please remind me what I say in these situations?

You know what really is annoying?!?! I'm getting my head together. I'm finding all the pieces to my heart. I have gone two whole days without crying or thinking over much about him. He's still invading my sleep. I have enough problems with sleep. He needs to get out of it!!! I wake up sad, then see the sunshine and I know my world is going to be ok....but I want to wake up happy again.

Puhlease no one tell me that its only been two weeks. In my world that is a long time. I fall down, I get up, I trip again. That is how it works.

When the kids were little I used all kinds of tricks to keep them from having bad dreams. They inherited it from me. I wanted them to feel *in control* even while they slept. I've even had them sleep with a remote so they could *change the channel*. Another thing we did was plan our dreams. We would come up with a script wherein my children came out the victor in their nightly battles.

If I were to employ that trick, would I be truly evil if I imagined He-who-must-not-be-named being castrated while while getting bitten by his next ex? Would it be more socially acceptable for him to be hit by a train? Normally I am not worried about being PC, but I don't want to warp my mind any more than necessary. I just want to get him out of my head.

Perhaps you have a better suggestion? I don't have a problem asking for a ghost writer to make a ghost out of the shadow. Seems appropriate somehow.

You know Einstein said something to the effect that our thoughts were more powerful than our actions. What a concept!

:::::evil grin disguised as a sweet smile::::::

I don't wanna go to work. I want to playyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! It is too sunny to be cooped up. I want to clean up my yard (but I need a rake) and I want to put my screens in (I don't know how but I'll figure it out). I definitely need to wash my windows. I wish I didn't need money so I could have more time. :::sigh::::

Well I guess I better start getting ready. I'm supposed to work 11-7 but I think if I get there early I might get out earlier too....

I feel like scheming.

I'm supposed to be sleeping

Hi again....Damn I've just been prolific lately haven't I? Well I have too much time on my hands and no focus for anything else....

Work was ok today. I did mostly billing work. Some filing. Not much front desk stuff today but I did have a long chat with a guest of ours who happens to be a lawyer. I think he was liking me a bit towards the end. It was kind of funny because, at first he didn't seem attracted to me, but the more we talked about law, the more he moved in closer and closer until I was downright uncomfy with the proximity. Too funny huh? I was glad when I was called away for more office work.

I've been on the phone allllllllllllllllll freakin day it seems. Suddenly everyone is checking up on me! I hate that. Does my family really think I am going to go spastic now? Well at least they are paying back some favors (well except for lil sis Rhonda....I owe her more than I will ever be able to repay in this lifetime, God blessed me with her!).

I love my family, don't misunderstand, crazy disfunctional lot that we are..... but they expect me to be super human sometimes and always assume that I can do everything on my own or..... and this is the thing that ticks me off.... they think I should try to flirt with some guy to get the guy to do stuff. I can say this because I am southern....It's part of the southern way of life. Bat my lashes and men are supposed to grant my wishes. If only it were so easy. Hell if only I would lose my pride and let them....roflmao.....maybe it could be that easy.....

I've become so annoyed with folks lately, for ignoring me or blowing me off when I've asked for a return on the many many favors I've done for all of them (including thousands of dollars worth of free legal because of my connections) from computer repair, to documents and baby sitting that I have quit taking thier calls as a rule. Now that I'm sooooooooooo broken hearted, they are all hovering about (probably to see if I really am human LOL). Not to mention baby-sis Rhonda has probably told them all off about me again (She loves me!!!! I am sooooooooo lucky!) I've decided to take terrible advantage of them all.... well maybe not terrible, but hey, I need a few things done and I am family right?

My brother is going to come over and air up my blasted tires on Friday so I can get it out of my back yard and get new tires put on. (Wow....finally now that the weather IS nice enough to walk in, someone is actually going to help me out, but then again, no one mentioned to my brother I needed it done, even when I asked someone to check with him for me.) My Dad actually made the effort to make sure I received my mail in a timely fashion (I get Walters SS check at thier house because my neighborhood is so bad, and trust me the kid needs the money for stuff related to his socialization issues....I use it all on stuff to help him cope with the form of autism he has) and even Cindy has been getting some of her crap out of my house (now if she'd only take her stupid 3 cats before I get the urge to have road-kill cuisine!).

Rhonda is trying to call in a favor. She wants me to have a game night with her and her fiance's single male friend, Sandy. I'm not real enthused, but apparently I am single whether I feel it or not, and I can't deny Rhonda any reasonable thing, so I told her to set it up and I would go. I know it sounds petty, but I'd feel better about it if he at least had a more manly moniker.... ROFLMAO..... I didn't realize I was that shallow.... Now a man has to be at least 5'8", halfway intelligent and have a cool name... Talk about greedy!! She does understand I am not going to fall for the guy...

It would be nice to have a date for her wedding in August anyway. I think I told y'all about it.... Martha Stewart meets Billy Idol or some such comparison. It is so funny to think of my very proper, very ladylike (remember I was the tomboy) lil sis marrying a biker!!!! I can see her now....all dressed up in black and cream lace and him in his leathers. Seriously it is going to be a blast!!! A hog roast reception. Unbelievable!!!!! I can guarantee you that the picnic tables will have table cloths and center pieces.... I plan to take lots of pictures. It is soooooooo good to see her so happy! No one deserves happiness like her. She's always been my angel, and she's been the angel for quite a few others too. Like I said, God blessed me with her. I'm glad He's blessing Rhonda now.

So another day without shedding tears or receiving email or any other form of communication from he-who-must-not-be-named. I'm dealing pretty well I think....I'm smoking too much though.

Goin fer a walk....

"Today is your day. You're off to Great
Places! You're off and away!"~~Dr. Seuss

I refused all offers today and walked home. It was a beautiful day. I don't know if many of you realize this, but until the Great Depression hit, South Bend was a happening kind of town.

Seriously we were!!!

Some of the most well known politicians and socialites kept homes here. Our streets are named for them! We were pretty affluent back then and it shows in some of the architecture that still stands tightly squeezed between the more modern atrocities (I'm not much for steel and glass buildings...I like brick and wood)here.

If you'd like to join me in my walk home just follow the pictures, I'm not sure I have them in the right order (renamed them all) but close enough.



Leaving work.....I'm so glad I get to work on the main floor of this building...I get dizzy just looking up!



The Court House (I believe this is the second Court House, we have several).



Our own little Lady Liberty.... I know it isn't much, but size isn't supposed to matter.

I just love this copper light. One of these days I expect some derelict to rip it off though....There's been a lot of metal looting from our buildings recently.

I love this doorway, but it looks too forbidding to be on a church! I'm not ready for Judgment yet!

This is the reddest church I've ever seen. Love the round window though.

This is the church in its entirety, I love all the brick and stone work on it.

The steeple on this more modern church looks like its actually trying to reach Heaven.

Now we just begin looking at some of the incredible houses on my way home. Amazingly enough these houses used to be single family homes (no doubt those families had 10 or 15 kids but still!) Now most of them are either apartments or office complexes....

Seriously, what a shame.....

The two pictures below are of my dream house....I've been gazing at this house since I was a little girl.... I have dreams where I actually live in it... It represents so much to me, I don't know why I am so drawn to it, but I have been longer than I can actually remember.... If I ever win the lottery....That baby is MINE!

It was so sunny out that my glasses went almost black and so windy that my face is all red...but I still feel invigorated!

It was a lovely walk and for the first time in month, I feel pretty good about the world!

I do believe it is FINALLY Spring!

So be sure when you step.Step with care and great tact and remember that "Life's a Great Balancing Act." Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left~~~Dr. Seuss

Crying doesn't make it better.

What is hope anyway but the triumph over fear?

I think I still have it, maybe not for the things I want to have it for, but I have hope still. I have hope that I can stand tall again and get a grip on my life. I have hope that I can find my pride and put my heart back together. I am a grown up after all.

All my life I've known what to do when someone damaged me. I would cut them out of my life completely, I walked away and never looked back at those who harmed me.

A person could cease to exist in my own little world.

Events could be completely erased in my head.

Its been a life saver and a sanity saver.

I still know of the events and people, but it is like they happened to someone else, like I read it in a book.

I just refuse to remember. I know of at least 20 times I've done this.

Only once has it ever left any lasting damage to me and so I am stuck with 2 phobias that I am constantly fighting while yet still unwilling to actually rememember the event that caused them.

Truth be told, I've made so many adjustments that it isn't really necessary for me to overcome my convenient memory loss. I've found numerous ways to improvise.

I can't think of one good reason to remember. No good can come of it.

I can't do it at will though. I wish I could right now.

It hurts to remember.

I can't forget him when he keeps appearing.

I can't erase him from my heart and mind when it seems as though he is engraved there.

I can't fight him when he uses my own weapons (words) to hypnotise me.

I can't figure out what he wants or expects from me.

All I know is he isn't saying he wants me in his life. He infers it though.

He knows how deeply I read things, he fills his excuses with veiled hope and shrouded regret.

I don't know whether its intentional or not. He's smarter than I am. Not by much though.

I don't dare focus on the fact that maybe he is regretful and wants me to continue to hope for us. I don't want to be stupid. I've been stupid enough.

I know I am the one who chose to walk away.
I didn't cause the pain though and I didn't cause the fear that brought it.
I tried to fight it. I didn't win.
The fear was bigger than my hope.

At least I actually did something instead of sitting around whining about how scared I was that I would lose him and every dream I had. I fought to keep it. I just lost.

I asked him to stop writing me last night, I know I can't go on like this.

Its torture. Part of me wishes I didn't. I am still watching the mailbox, but the longer it goes empty the more distance there will be.

I've always hated the distance between us. It is the root of our problems. Now I am grateful because the distance might be the only way I can pretend it all didn't happen.

I tried to save him, I tried to save us....all that's left to save is me.

Quid pro quo

To be honest, I don't know whether we've broken up or not. We have serious issues though. No contact for 3 days and the previous 2 days were not so hot.

He's been swearing he loves me from day one. He still is. I love him, at least I love what he lets me love. I don't believe he loves me. I think he is fooling himself. He wants to love someone but he is afraid to let anyone actually into his life. He pretends pretty well.

See I don't think a person is capable of loving someone they don't trust.

I don't want to be a secret. Yet while he is a part of my life....I am not a part of his.

It feels untruthful. I'm not willing to be a part of anyone's lie, even if the one they are lieing to is themself.

I explained my current situation and my feelings about these matters to him in much greater detail.

His answer was that he was afraid that he or his children might be hurt by actions I've given no indication I would do, someone else did those things to him.

In a nutshell, he wants to be in my life, be friends with Walter and for me to keep out of his life.

It doesn't work that way with me. One person can not do all the sharing. It is unbalanced.

There is no room for fear in a relationship. You can not love a person you are afraid of.

I told him off pretty good in my last 2 emails to him. I told him to take a couple of weeks to figure out what he wanted his life to be and who he wanted in it. If he doesn't call by then I will know I am not it.

I will move on. Immediately as always. Life is too short to be lonely. I will say *Next*. I just need a definitive answer from him, either by his words and actions inviting me to into his life, for real this time, or by the lack of them. I'm prepared to go in either direction.

Its ironic, that the very thing he was afraid I would do to him, cause pain to him and his children, is the very thing he has done to Walter and me.

I think the thing that makes me angry (and I do have some anger) is that I questioned him extensively (BEFORE I ever got serious with him) about his last relationship and whether or not he was really over it. Its been over a year, according to him, since its been over. She's moved on and he indicated he was more than ready to do the same. I've been as honest with him about what I want out of life as I am in this blog, he said he wanted the same. He's lieing to someone....it doesn't matter whether its him or me.

I want to believe that he loved me, at least in the beginning. It sucks to think I've been fooled. there was never any need to lie to me. I would have kept my feelings in check then, but I still would have dated him. He's a perfectly wonderful man except for all this BS. I have no idea what happened to change things. It wasn't me. I haven't played any jealousy games nor have I hidden anything from him. I don't understand the reason he doesn't want to let this relationship go where it would have already gone naturally had we lived closer together.

Things are worth working out if he comes to his senses. If he doesn't, I can't be sorry about our time together but I will never speak with him again. I will miss him. I could never settle for friendship. It would never be enough.

I think he's being foolish if his words were not all lies. If he spoke the truth even half the time he's going to find out that most women are not like me, and the ones who are have been taken a long time ago. Especially in this area. I don't know about my chances either.

That's the whole part of this thing that makes me so sad. I will love again, but not so fearlessly. At least I've finished crying.

four letter words.

HOPE is a dangerous occupation. Right now I am paying the price for my resolution to HOPE. I don't even know how high the cost will be. I do know that whatever I've spent, the value of HOPE will exceed the cost. HOPE is a bargain at any price.

This week has been awful, some of it I've already written and some of it will have to wait until I heal a bit. Somewhere in the midst of my misery, HOPE called up Faith and the two of them are holding me up pretty well right now. I guess Faith is my surprise bonus gift when I concentrate on HOPE. I'm still going grayer by the minute. I don't want to eat (but I do) and sleep is a battle every night, in and out of it. But I have some kind of supernatural help. Angels all around me.

I know that whatever happens in the numerous milestones I am crossing right now, that it is going to be for the best. I've left it in God's hands. Good Hands. Better than mine, at least I'm hoping.

It even feels kind of like when I had the surgery on my hands. My thumbs were completely useless before it happened. I was in constant severe pain. Everything I tried to do was an exercise in faith because I was as likely to drop something as to keep holding on. I knew what I needed but I was afraid to do it. I did it anyway. I had HOPE for a miracle, even though one wasn't promised.

FEAR (another four letter word) is the truest opposite of HOPE. Fear takes away joy. HOPE brings it. Fear prevents us from planning. HOPE demands it. Fear smothers us and holds us down. HOPE sets us free.

After I had the surgery my thumbs were completely useless. I was in constant severe pain. Everyting I tried to do was an exercise in faith because I was as likely to drop something as to keep holding on.

Not much difference at first.

I wondered why I had the stupid surgery for a couple of months. It wasn't cheap. I had to put my life on hold for 12 weeks all told (and it probably should have been longer). Then slowly the pain eased. I was able to regain maybe 80-90% of the use of my thumbs again. The pain went away. I still drop things once in a while, but for the most part I can hang on. These hands of mine still work, sometimes differently, but they can get what I need done.

Yeah, I had therapy then, and I may need another type of therapy for my present *surgeries* eventually but at least I can hang on.

I'm not afraid of cutting into myself and repairing the damage anymore. A healed injury is better than a gaping wound. Scars fade and we relearn what we can not repeat.

Body and spirit are not that different.

How to be kinder, stronger, better...Instruction Manuals

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;

It never was between you and them anyway."

Author:Mother Teresa



RanDOm Acts of KINDNESS Organization

Oprah_Story

Be Nice or Else

Network for Good

The Caring Institute

Extreme Kindness

Points of Light

Hands On

Habitat for Humanity

The Giving Game

The Kindness Lifestyle

Nice Magazine

Freecycle

LoveMarks

Help Others

Kindness Inc.

Quotes of Kindness

Dare to be an Angel

One Kind Act

A Nice Blog

Free Hugs

Oprah's site


I BELIEVE IN A BETTER WAY (by Ben Harper)



"Better Way"

I'm a living sunset
Lightning in my bones
Push me to the edge
But my will is stone
I believe in a better way
Fools will be fools
And wise will be wise
But i will look this world
Straight in the eyes
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way
What good is a man
Who won't take a stand
What good is a cynic
With no better plan
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way
Reality is sharp
It cuts at me like a knife
Everyone i know
Is in the fight of their life
I believe in a better way
Take your face out of your hands
And clear your eyes
You have a right to your dreams
And don't be denied
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way

Just a Quick One...

Hey everyone

I've been trying to write something substantial like Lisa has recently...but I am so wrapped up in my love and family lives that I only have bits and pieces put together.... I need to be baking cookies right now because I want to send some home with Scott for his kids, I am giving some to Celia, Billy and their friend for putting tires on my car this weekend and I promised some to a person I know who is working hard to get Celia and Billy a job with a major airline. Serious advancement opportunities!

So I'm not slacking here....just have my priorities right and they are all due about right now.

Today was a great day.... Walter is in a great mood and working hard to control his emotions, and he has been making a concentrated effort on his school work....I am soooooooo proud of my kid for his efforts....Then I was so good at work... It was a good thing because the General Manager is shadowing us. I made not less than 12 priority club memberships while taking reservations. Damn I am sooooooooo good!

:;:sigh::: life is good.

Well I lest my newly found joy bore you all to death.....Lisa is doing some real thinking these days....Go visit her here.

mystery date

Do you remember that game we played when we were girls?

Mystery Date!




That's what its been like.

I didn't get the dud this time.....

He came over, on time well pretty close...he was a few minutes late because he was trying to find flowers as beautiful as me....

:::stop swooning!:::::

I seen him drive up through my window....met him at the front door. I have to tell you I was a bit shaky.

I don't normally shake over a man unless they tick me off.

I let him in.

For a few moments we just stared and then he was kissing me...

I don't even know how it happened.

It was sweet and lovely. I could have melted into the floor.

Then he presented me with candy and the dozen perfect roses.

I put them in a vase and let him kiss me again.

I don't even mind that I'm allergic and he had a sense of humor about it.

That's what sudafed is for right?

He was sweet to Walter. We ate dinner where my sister works. (it was steak for those of you who will ask). He was nice to her too.

We didn't do a whole lot....but we spent time with each other until the wee hours of the morning....eating...drinking (nothing alcoholic) and just *being*. We've been emailing all day again. He'll call me later. I feel like I've known him forever.

He fits me like a favorite sweater....so comfortable and reassuring. How can anything I compare to an old sweater be that and exciting and sexy too?

He just is.

He has a name, not a letter. His name is Scott.

I expect to be seeing a lot of him....

You were right Kathy....he found me.

Got a date this weekend!!!!

I got a date...

::::doin the happy feet dance::::::

told y'all...... I feel lucky!

My love life as explained by music videos...

Gawd....I love You Tube....

I miss the old MTV




hard to ignore the truth.....




The title says it all....and hey its got a great beat and you can dance to it (I should know I did it for way too long)

I've had my share of disappointments......



I played the blame game a time or two......





Made some really bad choices





Flirted a bit too much a time or two....




I really don't mean it.....


Now I am chasing storms.....looking for hope....





Hey...I'll be back later....I just seen a leprechaun....maybe he can lead me to that rainbow....

I'm not chasing after the pot of gold....

Just one man who is



Hey.....hey..... WAIT UP!!!!

This is so beautiful and incredible....

I invite you all to visit this web site. A friend of mine sent it to me just today. It is truly lovely and it will only take about 2 minutes of your time and I promise you will be moved. It is living ART. Just Incredible.


Love 2008