Happy Valentine's Day

Ahhhhhh the love....the romance of it all....

To all of you lucky in love I wish you many glorious Valentine Days to come.

To all of you not-so-lucky ones, like me, I offer you a bit of solace to make your Valentine's Day the best it has ever been....

Native American wedding photos

August 30th was a beautiful Summer Day. Much too hot for an outdoor wedding....but like the ancestors that I am sure witnessed us from Heaven....we endured.

All the costumes are authentic hand made costumes made mostly by my Mother, but my nephew Adam made his own costume as did the Chief and his wife. Cherokee women don't get to wear the sexy outfits that Apaches wore. Nope we are required to be FULLY covered and modest. Sucks big time.

We entered the blessed circle in the traditional clockwise manner were handed a small packet and took our seats. Families sit together. Singles sit separately. The smells of sage and tobacco permeated our senses but it was a lovely smell, not at all like cigarrettes because this was utreated tobacco. The tobacco was not for smoking at this point. It was for an offering. Sage is burned to bless the circle, much the same way that catholic priests and wiccans use it. The Cherokee way of faith seems very Catholic at times...with a touch of witchcraft. I realize that statement may offend some, I mean no disrespect, I am just trying to describe what I've lived with most of my life.

The wedding ceremony

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other.

Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other.

Now there is no more loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.

Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.

Go now to your dwelling to enter into the days of your life together.

And may your days be good and long upon the earth.

My mother is in the red-print dress, Dave's (the groom) mother is in the solid pinkish dress. My sister Rhonda is wearing a traditional floral headpiece made by her neighbor. The blue blankets are full of symbolism, mostly about solitude, reflection and loyalty. They each have thier own native woven blanket to symbolise their separate beginnings. Behind the chief you will notice the basket with white gifts in it. These were packets of real tobacco in order for us to thank the Great Spirit by enriching the Earth. A wonderful event occurred during this ceremony. 2 hawks (our family's totem consists of hawks and wolves. I've always considered myself a wolf, which is the minority, but Rhonda considers herself a hawk) began circling the wedding site (consecrated ground which was roped off). This is considered a wonderful omen, a blessing from our ancestors and Heaven itself. I believe in omens like this. The circle became steadily smaller until the hawks were almost hovering around and around Rhonda and Dave. I silently said *Hi* to my Grandpa and cousin Sue for attending. I'm sure they also wanted Rhonda to finally feel the joy she has always deserved.

The Blessing

Above you are the stars, below you are the stones.

As time does pass, remember, like a star should your love be constant.

Like a stone should your love be firm.

Have patience with each other, for storms will come, but they will go quickly.

Be free in giving of affection and warmth and be sensuous to one another.

Have no fear, and let not the words of the unenlightened give you unease.

For the Great Spirit is with you, now and forever.

A May Naa (amen)

Now they are given their own single white blanket to symbolise, of course, that the two are now one. The white color is to symbolise the purity of thier love, white was not always available, and not required so much as the best fabric or hide available. It is more about placing the highest value on the partnership rather than the parts of the marriage. Truly, if all marriages had this basis, I think that divorce could almost be ended.

A Ceremonial Dance

This is Adam, my nephew, my brother's son. He is a well known Native American artist as well as competitive in both drums and dance in our area. The last couple of years, he's even ventured outside the area. He has won many many events. Pay close attention to his costume. He made everything. Even the thread. He hunted the deer that hide came from with a bow and arrow. He didn't waste any of it. What wasn't eaten was used for clothing or art. Native Americans never kill animals indiscriminately. It is against our faith to waste the Earth or its creatures. Every one of those feathers he gathered and cleaned. He made the beads from twigs and stones and various other *found* objects. Native Americans recycle everything as a way of life and out of respect to the Earth that the Great Spirit provided us.

After the ceremony we blessed the ground with our tobacco and went to the gift blanket to pick out our tokens from the happy couple. Cherokee people measure wealth, not by how much you retain, but by how much you give away. Weddings are a big event and require many gifts. I think it is a wonderful way of life even if I can't practice it fully. I do live in a white world.

We left by rejoining and completing the circle.


Rhonda, Adam, Dave

Of course the folks had to have this shot. The happy couple and their gorgeous grandson.

I wish y'all could have enjoyed it with me. I will post more pictures of the absurdity of the guests in the near future. I wore shorts. They were nice ones and it was over 95 degrees in the shade. Some bikers wore some crazy shit! Gotta love thier attitude though. Love me or not...here I am. Salt of the Earth types. Several people were dressed more traditionally formal as well. The hog (hawg) was roasted to perfection and we had 2 tables of additional food and yet another table for deserts. If anyone left hungry it was their own fault.

I will never marry again.... but if I did this would be the way to go. Its technically not legal (no divorce needed though Rhonda and Dave had a legal marriage and a regular nondemonitional religious ceremony first) yet it still invokes real commitment. Not to mention its cool to be casual.

Feeling better all of the time

Hey!

Walter is graduating the 8th grade today and tomorrow he turns 15. He is stoked. I took the day off for celebrating.

I made a new office for *B* (our accountant) and me. He is gonna be pissed. He looks and acts like Mr. Mooney on the old Lucy show. Well he's taller. I actually like him a lot but suspect he has the same type of autism as my boys and let me tell you he will not appreciate my efforts! However I was under direct orders from Sue who thinks sharing an office with me will help him do his job better. I seem to be very good at keeping him on task. I'm not quite finished but it will be nice...if tiny...when I am all done.

S2 and I seem to be back on track...I'm glad I didn't do anything catastrophic. I don't want to blow this up if there is even half a chance of it going the distance. He is the most complex man I've ever known and he interests me beyond normal. He thinks all the time. ALL the time.

I get that.

Maybe we can wait out/work out this time/distance thing. He's so good to me... I had the blues and was bitching at him and attacking him for my annoyances and he just decided to drive over and be with me (and I wasn't even complaining about that). I know it is a strain on his wallet with his daughter's prom and graduation and all that goes with that plus other recent expenses...and he hasn't really had sleep in a month...but I needed him and next thing I know he was here. How many men put a woman above money and sleep?

I really need to work on being nicer. He calmed me down just by being here. He keeps offering to help me pack up this disaster of a house. He put the plates on my car and says that once we find out what is wrong with it he will try to fix it for me....not offering to pay for it to be fixed (though he probably would if he thought I would accept but he knows better). He will get his hands dirty for me. Bless his way too far away heart. He gets me too most of the time.

I think I am going to buy myself some new makeup today....maybe I will ACTUALLY throw out the old stuff! Am I the only one who never does that?

Have a great day everyone!

Just another crazy day!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! My son is having dinner with his girlfriend and her family....OMFG!!! First he gets a girlfriend then he is willing to spend his money (trust me Walter never spends HIS money when he can spend mine) treating his girl to sodas....he's waiting by the freaking phone....and now this!!!!

ROFLMAO....OK OK....I'm kinda sorta coping. It is absolutely adorable and I am happy he's happy. I still want my baby back....the only thing that would make me feel better is for my daughter to call me up and tell me she's going to deliver me a new baby....dern her responsibility!

I've been doing well these days. Getting on with life and flirting outrageously. Not dating yet. Being careful. Enjoying life a lot.

I've been writing and working on my other blog a bit...its mostly re-posts right now...but it will be where I keep my real essay writing since I can't seem to stop myself from going knee deep into the personal in this blog. Not that the new one isn't personal...just more applicable to others.

Next thing is to do a new poetry page.

At work, I sort of let it slip that I may be looking for another job, sheesh....I only wanted to let the Manager I do like understand my position so that we can stay friends after and now she wants to move me strictly back office and was willing to adjust my hours like crazy... I dunno...I am still pretty ticked about what happened with Celia...but I'm going to play it by ear a bit. It is good experience.

My little sister had her civil marriage today! Rhonda has never had much joy in her life and has always selflessly sought to bring it to others. I think it's finally her turn.

We are still having a *rerun* wedding and hogroast reception though!

This is how it stands at this point:

Little Miss Prissy and Hubby, Leather Jacket Hard Core Harley Dude will have the marriage blessed in the church. Rhonda will be wearing cream lace, Dave his biker leathers. Then we return to their home for the Native American ceremony. Rhonda will change into authentic (but imho hideously ugly unless we can find a way to fix it and still keep the authenticity intact) Cherokee wedding dress. Her blonde hair and fair skin will no doubt look like a halo about her. Dave will be wearing his biker leathers (YOU GO DAVE!!!! Don't let our crazy Mama intimidate you!) Then of course the HOG ROAST reception with the addition of a Polish potluck wedding dinner (which you know I will be helping to cook). There will be a rock band and dj'd music. Rhonda is planning white table cloths with lace over the pic-nic tables and area tables, flowered centerpieces and various temporary landscaping. She wants a lot of ribbons and bows.

Does anyone know where I can find miniature harleys for the centerpieces? I truly think it would be the finishing touch!

OMG I can't wait!

But he was supposed to stay 4 years old forever....

The 'hood has been quiet since that incident. Walter told me today that I can't make him stay in the house. He will go out when I'm gone.

He feels like a prisoner and he can defend himself he says.

GEEEEEEEZ......

He is, and no he can't, not against guns and knives. But he's right. Nothing I can do. He'll be careful and be inside before dark.

Why his sudden defiance? Well its really not so sudden, but usually when I put my foot down, he doesn't outright defy me, he doesn't act all manly, just resigned and petulant. He respects my right to make the decisions.

He is questioning my reasoning and authority.

My kid..... Even annoyed at him I know where it comes from. I know he means it. He is thinking clearly. He refuses to give in to fear.

He's got a girlfriend. He told me yesterday. He asked permission to give her our phone number.

GEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZ.......

I'm not ready for this.

He's my baby. Now he's acting like a guy of all things!

He's almost 15 years old. A little chunky but mostly muscle. He's handsome as the devil in blue jeans, just like my Dad and Grandfather were. I guess I should have known it had to happen pretty soon.

I'm grateful that he's moral and good. He's a gentleman. He is planning to go over and meet little Miss Danielle's parents to make sure its ok for him to hang out with their daughter...OMG, he is sooooooooo old fashioned. He's planning on asking permission to court her in essence.

I know I'm a lucky Mom....but I don't feel so lucky right now. My baby is growing up so fast and his blasted siblings still haven't provided me with a child to hold and cuddle.

He needs to shave. I don't even know how to teach him.

I know that I did and am doing exactly what I was supposed to do with that nearly blue baby I gave birth to all those years ago. I did well, I took a helpless baby boy and turned him into a man who doesn't need me to hold him anymore.

What else could I do?

We worked out the terms, negotiated and compromised. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do....Mom's just gotta deal with it.

I love the man he is becoming but I still want my baby back.

A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~Author Unknown

I took his necklace off my neck today. I thought I was choking. I took off the ankle bracelet too, afraid that I might lose my balance once again.

I don't know what to do with them really. So I put them in their boxes and put the boxes on a shelf I never go to. To give them back I would have to see him. I already know how easily he can convince me with those lighter than blue eyes. Too odd not to stare into and once there I would fall. I can't give them away to anyone I care about. It is like a jinx on them. I can't throw them away because they have a power all their own. Maybe I will pull them out now and again and look at them. Remind myself how hearts can burn and still not feel a thing.

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant. ~Salvador Dalí

Right now I wonder if love really exists. I haven't dated anyone since he broke my heart and probably won't for a while. I'm also not leading anyone on. I don't do that. I give everyone my blog address so they can know the truth.

The countless gold of a merry heart, The rubies and pearls of a loving eye,
The indolent never can bring to the mart, Nor the secret hoard up in his treasury.
~William Blake

I recall how he waxed poetically about how wonderful I am and how I need and deserve so much more than he can give me. Like I didn't know that already. I'm pissed because he misrepresented himself to be that man who would at least try to give me what I need and deserve (not to mention all the love and caring I wanted to give right back) and to be looking for the same things.

He called my love a treasure. Yeah right.

What man would pass up a treasure?

I was a time filler.

That in-between woman who fixes a man's heart so he can love someone else. He never loves the in-between woman because she is the one who saw him when he was weak.

Clasp my love around your neck,Wear my heart on your finger.
My soul will be your pendant: I live to adorn you -
You're the precious one. ~Grey Livingston, "Genuine Adoration"

One thing I did learn, if you pick up the pieces you don't get to keep the whole.

I would rather be adorned by beauty of character
than jewels. Jewels are the gift of fortune,
while character comes from within. ~Titus Maccius Plautus

He talks about how he let me slip through his fingers and not how he shut the door in my face.

He takes no responsibility whatsoever for his own actions or rather lack thereof.

He never admits to deceiving me or playing with my heart. He just makes a veiled reference to the baggage on his ship which I assume means his fear.

Give crowns and pounds and guineas But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies, But keep your fancy free.~A.E. Housman

I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds
on my neck. ~Emma Goldman

In choosing fear over me, he lost a lot more than a couple of pieces of jewelry.

The most precious jewels are not made of stone, but of flesh. ~Robert Ludlum

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur

We choose to love, we do not choose to stop loving.--latin proverb

I stole that quote from a friend of mine (and right now I only have just friends) on the dating site Plenty of Fish (which despite my poor judgment is still a great free dating site).

It really is the perfect quote for him, he is a tough on the outside and soft in the middle type of guy. A perfect quote for that type of site.

I was played. I know this now.

I don't know why he emailed me letters telling me how much he loved me after I called it quits. (that is why I gave him the 2 week window to come to his senses) Some pathetic need to hang onto all the hearts he takes a grab at I guess. I felt so guilty about breaking his poor little heart. I felt bad about giving up so soon and the tough choices I had to make.

I felt like a failure because I couldn't break through his *wall of fear*. That wall is nothing but a prop. That way he can get a woman's full attention without ever having to commit to her or give up any real thing from himself.

He's going to be lonely here in a few years when his children finally grow up.

I felt sorry about that too.

Now I just feel kind of stupid.

I'm going to get over this.....My heart might be made of glass, but my spine is made of steel.

Just a Quick One...

Hey everyone

I've been trying to write something substantial like Lisa has recently...but I am so wrapped up in my love and family lives that I only have bits and pieces put together.... I need to be baking cookies right now because I want to send some home with Scott for his kids, I am giving some to Celia, Billy and their friend for putting tires on my car this weekend and I promised some to a person I know who is working hard to get Celia and Billy a job with a major airline. Serious advancement opportunities!

So I'm not slacking here....just have my priorities right and they are all due about right now.

Today was a great day.... Walter is in a great mood and working hard to control his emotions, and he has been making a concentrated effort on his school work....I am soooooooo proud of my kid for his efforts....Then I was so good at work... It was a good thing because the General Manager is shadowing us. I made not less than 12 priority club memberships while taking reservations. Damn I am sooooooooo good!

:;:sigh::: life is good.

Well I lest my newly found joy bore you all to death.....Lisa is doing some real thinking these days....Go visit her here.

mystery date

Do you remember that game we played when we were girls?

Mystery Date!




That's what its been like.

I didn't get the dud this time.....

He came over, on time well pretty close...he was a few minutes late because he was trying to find flowers as beautiful as me....

:::stop swooning!:::::

I seen him drive up through my window....met him at the front door. I have to tell you I was a bit shaky.

I don't normally shake over a man unless they tick me off.

I let him in.

For a few moments we just stared and then he was kissing me...

I don't even know how it happened.

It was sweet and lovely. I could have melted into the floor.

Then he presented me with candy and the dozen perfect roses.

I put them in a vase and let him kiss me again.

I don't even mind that I'm allergic and he had a sense of humor about it.

That's what sudafed is for right?

He was sweet to Walter. We ate dinner where my sister works. (it was steak for those of you who will ask). He was nice to her too.

We didn't do a whole lot....but we spent time with each other until the wee hours of the morning....eating...drinking (nothing alcoholic) and just *being*. We've been emailing all day again. He'll call me later. I feel like I've known him forever.

He fits me like a favorite sweater....so comfortable and reassuring. How can anything I compare to an old sweater be that and exciting and sexy too?

He just is.

He has a name, not a letter. His name is Scott.

I expect to be seeing a lot of him....

You were right Kathy....he found me.

Got a date this weekend!!!!

I got a date...

::::doin the happy feet dance::::::

told y'all...... I feel lucky!

I Feel Lucky!!!!

I'm writing at weird times because my days and nights are all messed up. It is still Jan 1 in my head but on the calendar it is Jan 2.

I feel lucky!



Whatever happened to Mary Chapin Carpenter? I used to love her! This is one of my favorite songs..... I woke up this morning (nearly afternoon to tell the truth) with it ringing in my head. (another one I like is *shut up and kiss me*)

I went to work at the crack of 1:30 p.m., needing a ride to work because of the near blizzard we have going on here in the midwest. I kept hearing it. It colored my attitude all day.

Nothing but crisis at work...but I handled every little thing as it came up.

I felt lucky.

I'm talking or rather e-mailing/IMing a few guys....but one is making me feel special, I just started talking with him, but I find myself waiting to see what he will write next. It's promising. He's cute too!

I feel lucky.

Everyone despite the miserable weather and their problems has been smiling with me today. All day.

I feel lucky.

Seriously. I don't ever remember waking up on New Year's Day and feeling like this. I haven't been feeling like this really for a while. I feel like I am going somewhere. Coolness. Total Coolness. I think this is going to be a good year.

I don't know what I dreamt when I slept....but I woke up happy. I felt in control. Heck, I even felt rested. Relieved. Lucky.

It was great.

I feel lucky.






Well I woke up this morning stumbled out of my rack
I opened up the paper to the page in the back
It only took a minute for my finger to find
My daily dose of destiny, under my sign
My eyes just about popped out of my head
It said "the stars are stacked against you girl, get back in bed"

I feel lucky, I feel lucky, yeah
No Professor Doom gonna stand in my way
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Well I strolled down to the corner, gave my numbers to the clerk
The pot's eleven million so I called in sick to work
I bought a pack of Camels, a burrito and a Barq's
Crossed against the light, made a beeline for the park
The sky began to thunder, wind began to moan
I heard a voice above me saying, "girl, you better get back home"

But I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
No tropical depression gonna steal my sun away
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Now eleven million later, I was sitting at the bar
I'd bought the house a double, and the waitress a new car
Dwight Yoakam's in the corner, trying to catch my eye
Lyle Lovett's right beside me with his hand upon my thigh
The moral of this story, it's simple but it's true
Hey the stars might lie, but the numbers never do

I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
Hey Dwight, hey Lyle, boys, you don't have to fight
Hot dog, I'm feeling lucky tonight
I feel lucky, brrrrr, I feel lucky, yeah
Think I'll flip a coin, I'm a winner either way
Mmmmmm, I feel lucky today

Drama....still not *getting any*

I don't know if anyone else reads my comments....but I do, and I pay attention. You might be surprised at how often I take your advice.

I did try to set up some time with *D*. He was supposed to come over last night and be with me and we were supposed to figure this whole thing out. It didn't happen. This time it was a job deal at 4 in the a.m.. It sounds untrue, it also doesn't sound like the kind of lie someone could come up with. I wrote him another email since we couldn't spend any real time together and I called him at 2:30 a.m. to wish him luck and left it on his voice mail. You would have thought he'd be awake by then if he had a job interview at 4 a.m.... Still no word from him. I tried calling but didn't leave a message. What else is there to say? I'll probably try to call him again.

I'm pathetic.

The thing is when he can't give me what I want, he tends to hide from me. You know, like not showing up and not returning calls. Been through this with him before. I'm getting real tired of it.

He promised to come over today. I'll believe it when I see him standing in my doorway.

Something almost always happens.....

I don't believe in somethings. I think if you really want to be with someone you will be. I think that if you really want to have something.... then obstacles are just things you climb over. I believe in making life happen and not letting it happen to me. If I knew where to find him, I would be there confronting him right now.

If he doesn't come over tonight I am going to end it completely. Cut all ties. I can't be friends with him when I want more. Its stupid to even try. If I start with the talking and emailing with him, then he will just start getting romantic again. I am tired of playing catch me if you can. I'm just not that sophisticated. I don't even want to be.

I don't want to have love and affection only sometimes. All or nothing at all.

He either wants to be with me or he doesn't. Time for him to let us both know what he wants.

So basically I'm of the mood that he needs to shit or get off the pot.

I'm also in the mood to *get some*. I've been trying to hold out but that side of me is having a major breakdown these days. I am definitely not meant to be alone. I wish I was the type who could do *it* without emotional involvement. Maybe that is where my problem lays. My physical needs are demanding to be met and my emotional needs won't let them. I'm starving inside.

I want real life. Good or bad. I want someone who is here when I need a shoulder and who turns to me when they need whatever. I want the give and take. I want the whispers in the middle of the night and conversation over coffee. I want to do things with someone. I'm tired of attending parties and events with my family or girlfriends. I want to have sex in the worst freaking way too. I'm tired of being alone. I don't do it well.

Did I mention I'm not getting any younger today? Did I mention life is moving on and I'm tired of standing still? Did I mention I don't sleep much?

I could have double dated with my younger sister last night and had some fun for a change. I need a real life in the worst way. I could have had a little of one last night. Maybe I blew off a guy that would have been interested in real life....maybe he was nice and fun and passionate. Guess I won't find out now.

I've had some interesting offers of relationships from other men too. Honestly if *D* wasn't in the picture I would have been all over *K* by now. He's probably the better choice. At least he apparently does want to meet me and see where things could go with a woman like me. He seems to think I am a all that and a bag of fritos. He's a cop and I seem to attract and be attracted by them. We understand each other's quirks. *R* could never be a serious choice, but he could be fun and he would soothe my battered ego. I just don't want to hurt him and guys like that are easily broken. He's a nice man....but I don't want him on my conscience.

I have real choices. There are even a couple of guys I've met through work who would love to go out with me and have asked me. I just don't date guys I work with or for. Maybe that is a stupid rule. I don't know.
We won't go into the *friends* who want to move up in the ranks. My ego has been fed enough.

Why *D* isn't seeing what these other guys do is the thing that frustrates me. Maybe I just want what I can't have. I hate to think I am that self destructive. I have to wonder though. Maybe I am the one who isn't looking at the other men the way I should be. I'm looking through *D* and apparently he is just going to stand there and not move unless I knock him out of the way.

I don't want to spend another New Years Eve without a kiss. Y'know I've never had one. My husbands all left me home with the kids and partied alone..... Everytime I see that movie *When Harry met Sally* I want to cry. It sucks to be without a life partner. It sucks even worse to be with one who doesn't want to be with you....for whatever reasons. I swear I am going to kiss a stranger this year if I can't decide on a date!

I guess other than my constant reflection my life is on hiatus until later tonight.

Last Chance for Romance *D*.

And the lonliness hits again

The problem about the winter holidays is that I become reflective and introspective. I am very lonely. I don't quite fit in with my family. I don't quite fit in with my friends. My children no longer need me the way they did when they were young. I am aching to give this love I have to someone. Positively aching from carrying it around inside me. I need to matter more. I need to feel needed and wanted. I need to feel important to one person.

I'm *talking* with several guys now. Most of them I really like, 2 in particular. They both say everything I want them to say or thought I wanted to hear from a man. My type of manly men. Cavemen. (Can't y'all just see me being drug around by my hair?)....but cavemen with raw emotion and open hearts. Men who keep wanting to meet me and more. They make no secret of wanting everything I could offer them. They think I am smart and seem to hang on every word I say...and remember it and quote it back to me days later. They are obviously sexually attracted to me. They want to actually meet me...to date me..... I shouldn't be complaining. I should want to meet them. I should be willing to adjust my schedule a bit. I shouldn't be hesitant. Some other lucky lady will be snatching them up if I don't.

I should care more.

I wonder if I am being fair by even representing myself as available and looking for a real relationship.

I'm not completely sure that I am.

The problem is I don't have as much a connection with them as with *D*, whom I'm still talking to. He's proving very difficult to get over. It doesn't help that he calls me every chance he gets, despite the fact that I've called a halt to our *relationship* as it were. I can't not take his calls. He is important to me. He matters. Even if I don't want him to.

We have talked out some of our problems over this long week.

Our last disagreement proved to be less a serious issue than I thought. Still the fact that our communication skills with each other are so poor could be a bad sign of things to come. Communication is absolutely everything if you want a relationship that lasts.

It turned out to be huge misunderstanding about something he said on my part, and a serious bad judgment on his. It dealt with sexual issues (not phone sex)...and y'all know I have some serious issues in that area. I am not sure of the extent of either of our errors just yet or whether or not they can be overcome. When we approach the subject we are both hurt and guarded.

As he states it, "We don't argue, we debate....everytime we talk its a debate". He has a point. I've never argued so much with someone in my life. We bicker constantly but truth be told, its like we are inside each other's head and we call each other out on the BS. Even when we argue, there is this affection. Seriously. We can't be mad at each other, just hurt by each other. Which we do way too much. We have a weird connection. We finish each others thoughts and sentences. I know when he's thinking of me and when its him on the phone before I answer. Its unnerving really. For him and for me. We fight and I call everything off but we end up online at the same time or I pick up the phone and it rings in my hand. We can't seem to let this die a natural death. I'm not sure it is a natural thing sometimes....Its like the Devil himself is playing with me.

I don't actually love him, but I do love parts about him (no we have not been physical). I would fall for him, if I wasn't so careful to analyse myself and remember what I need and what I want just about all the time. I talk myself out of it. He hasn't offered to be that man for me yet. He may not ever, even though I know he wants to be. I want and need a lot in my next and hopefully last romantic relationship. Even if he does want to be that man, he could have wants and needs of his own that I will be unable to meet. I may not be the woman he needs. We never say words of love to each other. We are not the types to admit defeat, and to our way of thinking it may spell that at this point. I don't know if we ever will be brave enough to say them. I know he feels the same about me though. I can hear it in the silences when we talk. He says everything but that. I don't say these words to him because I can't. Not feeling it yet. Not ready to open completely for him. I can't lay my heart on the line until I know his is there right next to it.

I want him to say it first. I'm pretty sure he wants it to be me. Call it a stand-off. Maybe we are both to0 fucked in the head to be able to make this work. I have to wonder why we are even trying sometimes. I have to wonder if I am crazy to keep talking to him when he isn't reaching out for more.

That is why I am talking to more than one man and trying to keep myself unentangled sexually until I find *the* one that I think I could develop a lifetime relationship with. I may hope it will be *D*, but until and unless I KNOW it, I have to keep looking because I keep needing.

I need to hear the words *I love you* and see it in a man's eyes. I need to feel it in his touch. I need to know it by his actions. I'm holding out for this concrete magic. Maybe it will come from *D*, maybe not. Maybe we are just destined to have this weird affinity with each other. I wish I knew, but until I do I am still looking for someone who will love me.....even when I'm ugly. I'm looking for someone who likes me from the inside out. Someone who wants to take all that I give and give it back to me. Someone who will admit that he wants what I offer and be willing to give me what I need. Someone who wants the real thing. Forever. Someone who is willing to make it happen.

Don't get me wrong. Right now I am mostly just emailing other men. Meeting over coffee. Sharing a kiss at the end. *D* was the last real date I went on....then before we could date again the *conversational incident* happened that has me rethinking and reevaluating everything all over again.

Part of me hopes to find someone else that I can relate to on at least the same mental/emotional degree I have with *D*. but with someone who is more willing to throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet. Part of me wonders why *D* is not and if I should just stop trying to find someone else and work solely on the man in question.

Note to self: It is unwise to have a serious discussion of any type while drugged on cold medicine and speaking with someone who is also a bit tipsy. Not good. Also not good is firing off a break-up email before discussing it soberly because I am impatient and he isn't the best guy in the world for calling on a regular basis (though AFTER that email he has been).

So tonight I am lonely. I could fix it with someone easy if I wanted to....but I want more. I might even want too much.

The thought makes me sad.