Storms.

I write about this affinity I have with storms.  Right now as I wait for one I thought I would try to describe what is happening to me and what I expect to occur.

Right now there is that heaviness hanging in the air as I wait for a storm to come.  Some people hate that.  I don't....but I don't love it either.  

There is this thing between myself and big storms...its like I am absorbed into the energy that hangs in the air.  Its a physical thing that is already starting, my joints ache, my muscles tighten, my head feels pressed against, even my breathing becomes different.  Its not a painful thing, but it sort of feels like being under water a bit too long. Comfortable but a bit unnerving nonetheless.

This feels like it will be a big one, but maybe it will pass over.  Its kind of an either/or thing at this point.  Storms seem to clear up my thinking once they begin but before they come, I contemplate all the difficult things to think about.  I'm uncomfortable inside and out as I wait for the storm that will release me physically and mentally.

Often it is during a storm that sleep literally overtakes me and I sleep that dreamless trance that refreshes the soul.  When it doesn't happen like that then it is usually because I have some seriously heavy thoughts that inspire dreams, visions and night terrors, that would freak out at least half of my readers.  Unfortunately I fear tonight will be the latter.  I have some heavy thoughts going on these days.

Still better to have the dreams than to not have the storm.  The storm brings release by one form or another.  If the air just hangs heavy like this I won't be able to rest for days, because I will continue to feel the universal pressure and the mental confusion until the barometer changes.

Pray for rain.

Nostalgia

If auld aquaintance......

I've had a migraine since Wednesday. Seriously. Bad Bad Bad. I'm left work early. I still have not received a New Years Eve Midnight Kiss in my life. (I'm thinking this is an omen) I finally started feeling better (but still kind of tired) a couple of hours ago.

I had dropped Walter off at the College Football Hall of Fame. His Winter hang out since there isn't an enclosed skatepark anymore and laid down for a nap. When he called at 4:30 for pick-up...I woke up, feeling refreshed and singing moonshadow....Seriously....*i'm being followed by a moon shadow...moon shadow moon shadow.



In the dream I was 11 again. Snuggled up against my favorite (and missing) Aunt. Wearing my Native American braids tied with leather just like hers.... As my aunt softly strummed her folk guitar she taught me the words to this song. It was a happy song to sing when I was sad or confused. She loved me and I her. For reasons I won't share I haven't seen her since around that time. It was the most awful year of my childhood for losses....that was also the year my Grandfather passed on. The thing is, she was one of the most influential people in my life. I am sure this memory has a special meaning for me now....not really hidden either as I contemplate my recent moods....

Moon Shadow
Cat Stevens

I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow-moon shadow
and if I ever lose my hands
lose my plough, lose my land
oh, if I ever lose my hands
oh, if...I won’t have to work no more
and if I ever lose my eyes
If my colours all run dry
yes, if I ever lose my eyes
oh if …I won't have to cry no more.
yes, I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
and if I ever lose my legs
I won't moan and I won't beg
Oh if I ever lose my legs
oh if...I won't have to walk no more
And if I ever lose my mouth
all my teeth, north and south
yes, if I ever lose my mouth
oh if...I won't have to talk..............
Did it take long to find me
I ask the faithful light
Ooh did it take long to find me
And are you going to stay the night
I'm being followed by a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow
leaping and hopping on a moon shadow
moon shadow - moon shadow moon shadow -
moon shadow moon shadow - moon shadow

She had moon shadows following her....and I have mine. Its all about questioning your life. About living life with joy despite the constant need for answers and worries plaguing you. I've been thinking about running away again. I'm so good at that. Worries about my youngest child, the economy here, the changes happening at work, the crime, and being in a dead-end relationship. I don't want to be alone though. Those are my moon shadows.... Blocking the light. Still as the year I concentrate on Hope comes to a close this month I find that hope is ever present. I think I've got a real grip on it now. The dream helped but I think I would have reached sanity again....As soon as Spring came.

I'm not going anywhere. I will deal with whatever I have to deal with....

Let the light shine down.

Another lazy Monday

I am the procrastination Queen.



I have a messy house.



My dog still needs a bath.



I didn't do any of the work I brought home from work to do.



All this means I am going to have to get up at some ungodly hour.



I wasn't really lazy today though. It has recently come to my attention that I really am 46 years old and I am living like a 36 year old. Yeah ten years makes a difference. I am a single mother of a teen-ager beginning a new career while struggling to have a personal (romantic) life. Yep....some days I am just to friggin old for this!



I find I actually need 6 hours of sleep to function well. 4 hours to function at all. Last night I think I had 3.



Weird political thoughts going through my head (no I am not expounding on them....).



I used up all the synapses I had in reserve today. I actually had to solve problems instead of the rote work that Monday usually involves....which means....tomorrow I have to make up for what I didn't get today and do double duty with whatever comes in the mail to me.....which is a double load because we didn't get mail today.



My dog finally took a liking to her leashed walk....GEEZ....she walked me up the block....she walked me down the block....she walked me up....she walked me down.....then we walked around and around and around the back yard. Then she wanted to play.



I'm goin to bed.........



Lord if Palin shows her plastic face in my dreams tonight....I am gonna bitch slap her!

Who amongst you wants to break my fingers?

Stomp on my keyboard?

Shut off my electricity?

Make me stop?

See the reason I need a boyfriend is so that I have someone to write these long long letters too. LOL....

So today was supposed to be the last of the two week window but then later I told him to take as long as he likes with the added comment that basically I might be still here or I might not be. Way to put my foot down right?

Would someone please remind me what I say in these situations?

You know what really is annoying?!?! I'm getting my head together. I'm finding all the pieces to my heart. I have gone two whole days without crying or thinking over much about him. He's still invading my sleep. I have enough problems with sleep. He needs to get out of it!!! I wake up sad, then see the sunshine and I know my world is going to be ok....but I want to wake up happy again.

Puhlease no one tell me that its only been two weeks. In my world that is a long time. I fall down, I get up, I trip again. That is how it works.

When the kids were little I used all kinds of tricks to keep them from having bad dreams. They inherited it from me. I wanted them to feel *in control* even while they slept. I've even had them sleep with a remote so they could *change the channel*. Another thing we did was plan our dreams. We would come up with a script wherein my children came out the victor in their nightly battles.

If I were to employ that trick, would I be truly evil if I imagined He-who-must-not-be-named being castrated while while getting bitten by his next ex? Would it be more socially acceptable for him to be hit by a train? Normally I am not worried about being PC, but I don't want to warp my mind any more than necessary. I just want to get him out of my head.

Perhaps you have a better suggestion? I don't have a problem asking for a ghost writer to make a ghost out of the shadow. Seems appropriate somehow.

You know Einstein said something to the effect that our thoughts were more powerful than our actions. What a concept!

:::::evil grin disguised as a sweet smile::::::

I don't wanna go to work. I want to playyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! It is too sunny to be cooped up. I want to clean up my yard (but I need a rake) and I want to put my screens in (I don't know how but I'll figure it out). I definitely need to wash my windows. I wish I didn't need money so I could have more time. :::sigh::::

Well I guess I better start getting ready. I'm supposed to work 11-7 but I think if I get there early I might get out earlier too....

I feel like scheming.

mystery date

Do you remember that game we played when we were girls?

Mystery Date!




That's what its been like.

I didn't get the dud this time.....

He came over, on time well pretty close...he was a few minutes late because he was trying to find flowers as beautiful as me....

:::stop swooning!:::::

I seen him drive up through my window....met him at the front door. I have to tell you I was a bit shaky.

I don't normally shake over a man unless they tick me off.

I let him in.

For a few moments we just stared and then he was kissing me...

I don't even know how it happened.

It was sweet and lovely. I could have melted into the floor.

Then he presented me with candy and the dozen perfect roses.

I put them in a vase and let him kiss me again.

I don't even mind that I'm allergic and he had a sense of humor about it.

That's what sudafed is for right?

He was sweet to Walter. We ate dinner where my sister works. (it was steak for those of you who will ask). He was nice to her too.

We didn't do a whole lot....but we spent time with each other until the wee hours of the morning....eating...drinking (nothing alcoholic) and just *being*. We've been emailing all day again. He'll call me later. I feel like I've known him forever.

He fits me like a favorite sweater....so comfortable and reassuring. How can anything I compare to an old sweater be that and exciting and sexy too?

He just is.

He has a name, not a letter. His name is Scott.

I expect to be seeing a lot of him....

You were right Kathy....he found me.

I Feel Lucky!!!!

I'm writing at weird times because my days and nights are all messed up. It is still Jan 1 in my head but on the calendar it is Jan 2.

I feel lucky!



Whatever happened to Mary Chapin Carpenter? I used to love her! This is one of my favorite songs..... I woke up this morning (nearly afternoon to tell the truth) with it ringing in my head. (another one I like is *shut up and kiss me*)

I went to work at the crack of 1:30 p.m., needing a ride to work because of the near blizzard we have going on here in the midwest. I kept hearing it. It colored my attitude all day.

Nothing but crisis at work...but I handled every little thing as it came up.

I felt lucky.

I'm talking or rather e-mailing/IMing a few guys....but one is making me feel special, I just started talking with him, but I find myself waiting to see what he will write next. It's promising. He's cute too!

I feel lucky.

Everyone despite the miserable weather and their problems has been smiling with me today. All day.

I feel lucky.

Seriously. I don't ever remember waking up on New Year's Day and feeling like this. I haven't been feeling like this really for a while. I feel like I am going somewhere. Coolness. Total Coolness. I think this is going to be a good year.

I don't know what I dreamt when I slept....but I woke up happy. I felt in control. Heck, I even felt rested. Relieved. Lucky.

It was great.

I feel lucky.






Well I woke up this morning stumbled out of my rack
I opened up the paper to the page in the back
It only took a minute for my finger to find
My daily dose of destiny, under my sign
My eyes just about popped out of my head
It said "the stars are stacked against you girl, get back in bed"

I feel lucky, I feel lucky, yeah
No Professor Doom gonna stand in my way
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Well I strolled down to the corner, gave my numbers to the clerk
The pot's eleven million so I called in sick to work
I bought a pack of Camels, a burrito and a Barq's
Crossed against the light, made a beeline for the park
The sky began to thunder, wind began to moan
I heard a voice above me saying, "girl, you better get back home"

But I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
No tropical depression gonna steal my sun away
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Now eleven million later, I was sitting at the bar
I'd bought the house a double, and the waitress a new car
Dwight Yoakam's in the corner, trying to catch my eye
Lyle Lovett's right beside me with his hand upon my thigh
The moral of this story, it's simple but it's true
Hey the stars might lie, but the numbers never do

I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
Hey Dwight, hey Lyle, boys, you don't have to fight
Hot dog, I'm feeling lucky tonight
I feel lucky, brrrrr, I feel lucky, yeah
Think I'll flip a coin, I'm a winner either way
Mmmmmm, I feel lucky today

I need sleeeeeeeeeeeeep!

My brain won't stop....

It hasn't stopped in days.

Seriously. I can't sleep. All I do is read, write, email, and chat. All the while I am watching television and reading a book. I've written a couple of poems that I won't post until I read them with a clear mind. My mind is definitely not that.

I went to work today. NO sleep. (I don't know why I can't sleep, I have to be exhausted.) I started in on the computers.....I couldn't even keep a good conversation going with the coworkers who were trying so hard to get to know me....to be my friend.... I made them all faster...stronger....better than they were when I came in....Bits and bytes I understand.

Frenetic is the word that describes me.