Its Time For A Cool Change

Life isn't exactly good...but it feels good. Does that even make sense? I can just feel it. Lots of changes going on for me right now. Isn't that always the case? I think things are getting better. So many things all at once now that despite my desire to write all about them, it would take days so I am making a list so I have time to go visit you!

...if you are curious about anything on this list and want to know more....email me.

1. Decided not to work it out with the room mate. Finally realize that just because something could be doesn't actually mean it should be. I guess the fact that I couldn't bring myself to move past the room mate stage should have given me a clue.



2. Kids are all doing great. Richard is the same as always..works plays and won't settle down with one woman. Celia has been promoted up at work...she loves it. Walter is getting really good at videos and looking forward to the end of Summer Skateboarding competition (he's also getting more responsible and less moody).

3. Walter may have broken yet another video camera. If this kid didn't have talent I would finish the job on his head! Kudos for him though....he didn't lose his temper, blame God or the cosmos, and he didn't have a tantrum. Might be growing up after all.






4. Had to replace our cell phones (mine was broken by above listed roommate). They are totally cool but not texting machines. Both of them have blue tooth, video cameras and MP3 players and web access if I would allow it. I can add 4 (originally phone only took 2g) gig of memory to mine (and I will). Walter didn't need 4 gig addl. memory because he has separate cameras and mp3 players (I want to be a kid again so I can have all the cool stuff). My new ring tone is "you make my pants wanna get up and dance* by Dr. Hook. I have this Motorola and Walter has this Nokia. I bought him a rather heavy duty cover as well. The cost? Less than $150 and 30 months on my contract. I am pretty happy with Centennial so it was no big deal extending it out.


5. I got really kind of pissed off at work recently and felt the single action of someone very high up (not my boss) had completely insulted and disregarded several coworkers and myself. I was going to quit and rightfully so but I've come back to Earth. I love my job. It would be stupid to work someplace boring and/or draining again. Going to try to wait out the economy and the stress levels here. The person doesn't screw up that much (not to mention that because of his position he can really do whatever he wants) and my pride can be a bad thing sometimes. No one wants me to go. Not even me really. So here I will stay.

6. Bought a used laptop and refurbed it. Love it...well except for this keyboard that isn't tilted quite right for my touch typing. I will get the hang of it though. Still need to replace the battery...one of these days Walter won't be needing a new skateboard, camera, pair of shoes, new jeans, or school supplies and I will get it. Meanwhile it only has 60 G of HD space but I do have a 220 G external drive so that really isn't much of a foreseeable problem. It runs XP and I have .75G of fast ram which is fine for my use of this computer (mostly word processing... games or heavy graphics). CDRW+DVD, Good (not great) wireless (connects at 54mbps on my 100 mbps connection) and 2.0 USB (2) rounds out the basic system with a 4 port extension module (brings it up to 5 - 2.0 usb connections). In all I have invested about $250. How do you think I did?

7. Was going to go to the 4-H fair this weekend but since Walter needs a new video camera I think I will give him the choice about where the money will go. I'd probably spend about $200 on the fair and I can get him a new (albeit cheap) video camera and a day at the skate park for that.

8. Stayed after work for Wednesday Women's Wind-down last night (a thing we have in The Cellar Door Restaurant and Lounge at our Hotel) and I had my tarot cards read by a self professed witch. Around here she is known as the "Grey Witch" and she lives in a place called Ravyn house (not too far from where I live). Amazingly accurate. She said I have 3 major decisions to make. (Wondering if I've already made 2 of them???) That I had inherited psychic gifts from my Grandmother (and other family members)....and she just knew things she couldn't possibly know.

9. Met some of my boss/Friends (hereafter referred to as SC)'s friends. SC has nice friends. I liked them.

10. Have decided that I should move to this apartment complex 1 block away from work. It is a converted High School (my mother attended it back when). Check out the link to the actual apartment site. It has floor plans and everything. Tell me what you think!





11. I'm beginning my 2nd week of the *Activia Challenge*. WOW!!! You would never believe how good I feel. I really was full of shit!!! :::snickering::: Seriously, I have lost about 6 inches around my middle- that happened almost immediately. My overall health has improved as well as my energy level. Yep I am regular. No cramps or churning. But its more than that. When one's body shuts down because of stress, as in my case, or any other reason...it begins poisoning itself. That's right. Poison. Stuff we don't use is supposed to go away. Its like any other clutter in your life...its messy. At any rate for any of you who wondered if it works...I give it an unqualified thumbs up. I used to take medicine for this condition (IBS) and it didn't work nearly as well as Activia. Activia is a lot cheaper and healthier too. Try it.

12. Currently updating and certifying my skills set. I started when I thought I would be changing jobs, but despite deciding to stay at my current job, I am going to continue with this. You never know when a promotion will open up and also the economy could crash again and take the hotel with it. Better safe than sorry.

Well theres more.... life has been eventful but I need a break and then I need to catch up with you....

Hope y'all had wonderful days!

Prolific update?

I have to start writing again. My life is better when I do. I guess I am over the emptiness now. Life is, as always, interesting for me.

Walter is doing well except that in his rush for skateboarding season he chipped his ankle and sprained it pretty bad. He's in an air cast. He'll be fine though. His IEP was today and that seems pretty hopeful. It looks as if the unanimous thought between the various educators and myself is that the kid actually does have some serious video talent and may well be able to get a job in that field eventually. YEE HAW!

Rich and Celia (and Billy) are all doing well still. Celia is going to be the matron of honor at her best friend/distant cousin's wedding soon. Now there's a girl I would never believe would ever do anything socially acceptable....Its amazing to me how normal Celia's friends seem these days. Everytime I see them I keep looking for the well hidden tatoos and missing dog collars. They grow up when you are not looking. Richard is Richard. A bit of a hermit but we talk once in a while and Celia keeps an eye on him.

My "orphan" grew up and flew the nest. I'm proud of him...but I kinda miss the kid a little too. Well I hope he does well.

Work is not getting better. I'm seriously considering a move to warmer climates. I love the job but with the reduced hours and of course take-home pay and the fact that the work load is not changing, I don't see how I can stay here. I qualify for government benefits now. The sad fact is that I am going to have to apply for them soon too. It also kills me that I can't do my job properly in the time alotted. I've quit bringing work home. I'm just not going to work for free anymore...there's nothing in it for me at this point. It was different before when I had the respect for my contribution there, but when I see people who do not have nearly the responsibility I have, nor the direct correlation to bringing in money, making sometimes twice my wage and at least one who gets entirely free health insurance.....I just can't justify giving up my life for an employer who does not appreciate or benefit my life. The people I am talking about are the people I am constantly fixing errors for. It turns out that some of the people I once thought of as enemies are friends and those I thought of as friends may not be as loyal as I once thought. Delusions and allusions. It doesn't matter which....this year is for clarity and both of those must go in my life. I've updated my skills and my resume. I'm looking for a job..... one with regular hours and benefits. Its time I grow up. There's a lot more about employment than enjoying your work. The way the economy is going, I need to look at the hard facts now. I can't afford to have fun.

Despite the ramblings of this post, I am feeling upbeat and motivated most days. I'm not depressed despite my writer's block. I'm trying to enjoy the good weather when its here and getting along well with my family. I hope all of you are enjoying life to its fullest too.

BTW... I started twittering! Let me know if you twitter so I can add you....I am stormwhispers on twitter.

Until next time.....blah blah blah

Bah Humbug

I'm trying....really trying to find the Christmas spirit. Dammit all I am freaking spoiled. I do have a good job, great kids, a boyfriend....well for the time being....we'll get back to that.....and the family isn't hassling me. I always find the *buts* and the *exceptions*.

I haven't bought even one present yet. I did finally put the tree up a few days ago. I've been battling a cold for a month now. I'm exhausted. I can't do this all by myself and I can't find anyone I am willing to share my life with.

My two oldest kids and I are so busy that we haven't found the time to be with each other since Rhonda's wedding in August. I miss them. I am happy their lives are apparently going pretty well....but I am their mother until the ends of their days and I miss them. Both of them are 3rd shifters and I am too old to be able to stay up late enough to keep up with them. But God I miss them.

My story about the wedding did get published in the paper. Only my family noticed. I was so bummed. They gave me a whole page, front page section B to be exact....and the only people who really noticed were the ones I actually told about it. It really bummed me out. I'd told my friends and coworkers for weeks and no one actually noticed. It was even a slow news day. Everyone else gets the article posted on the bulletin board at work. It sucked not being noticed. It was a really good story, even after editing (which was done with a light hand). It was my first byline.

Walter is a contrary 15. He threatens to leave home on a regular basis until I remind him exactly what that will entail. I've spoiled him and can't seem to undo the damage completely. I have to stop myself from comparing him to his siblings. Maybe it was just that I was so much younger then. They were raised different too. I didn't have any money when they were small so they were more grateful for the things I could afford when they were teens. With Walter, he started off with a lot more money (2 parent household with good paying jobs) and ended up as a poorer teen (not that he doesn't get as much as Rich and Celia did, I only have one teen now instead of two). Lord I hope this attitude is more about his age than his personality.

Work....oh geez work....there is good and there is bad. I received another dollar an hour raise but I was promised two. I was also promised a reasonable insurance package. I was offered a package wherein I pay 75% (approximately $1200 per month cost to me). I was pissed but my GM said they were going to reevaluate the insurance package in March or late February. I was willing to wait but now I find out that some get it free... I have brought this company almost current in receivables (it was running about 60/40 in current/past 90 days accounts) and have generated almost 80 grand in 90 day or more (some as much as 2 years) past due receivables since I started this position this past July. I am constantly troubleshooting other departments, fixing computers and subbing for the front desk in addition to all that. I'm not sure I want to wait anymore. I am freaking insulted to tell you the truth. I love the job but I don't always think I am being treated fairly and I don't think I should have to threaten to quit to be treated equal to the other managers here. I am expected to act and think like a manager without the title or pay that goes with it. My GM just tells me to wait...eventually.... I've already turned down 3 offers, but now I'm thinking about looking for employment elsewhere. All I know is that if something needs doing I've been the one doing it, even if it means bringing it home. It pisses off my kid, my family and my boyfriend....I guess I am just trying to deal with it all.

I don't know about the current BF. He's smothering me. Its like my life has been taken over by his need to sit around and watch television with me by his side. I don't even watch freakin television as a rule. I miss blogging. I miss doing things on the spur of a moment with my friends. I miss being single I guess.... I like making my own rules, choosing my own channels, and doing what I want. Why does it have to be either/or all the time?  Its wierd....I didn't mind it so much when my first husband was wanting to be with me all the time.  This doesn't bode well for BF...considering I divorced the 1st husband. Of course he was way funnier....

Life is good....but I know I could make it great with a little more effort. I know I could change things if I would just remember how to be truthful. I haven't lost hope....just forgot how to voice it.

Maybe I just need a shrink....

Am I wrong? Am I wanting too much?

Its been a loooooooong Day!

Ok... Its a good thing I drank all that cappuccino.

The FD was short handed today. I had to cover there. It was a mad house. Almost 150 check-outs and then a wedding party checking in. There were also other events we were hosting but not rooming. Only one person was scheduled. Even if the usual 2 people were scheduled I would have needed to help out. Then the phones were going spastic. Then there were problems with some of the guests wanting to change their room types after the reservations had already been filled. We couldn't do it. I had a couple of really bad calls. Not all of them were assholes AND idiots but one was.

This guy called me for directions during the height of early a.m. check-outs. I was doing my best to assist him while simultaneously checking out guests (which was already rude, but he REFUSED to hold for a minute). He wanted to know how to come here from Chicago without using the toll road.

"Sir I don't travel much, I only know the toll road route"

"You shouldn't work in a hotel if you don't travel!!!!!!!!!" (the guy was shouting)

"I'm sorry Sir, I'm actually an accountant, I am just assisting the front desk for a moment" (I'm thinking you don't have to be dead to work in a morgue) "If you'd like, I can have the valet-driver call you when he gets back"

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOUR DRIVER IS NOT THERE!!!!!"

"I'm sorry Sir" (I'm thinking our driver is DRIVING and that this is a hotel not mapquest)

"I want to talk to your manager!!!!" (its barely 8 a.m., management doesn't come in until 9 a.m. just like most businesses, I was early today).

"I'm sorry Sir, but my manager is unavailable right now, however she will be available later this morning"

"YOU AREN'T ANY HELP AT ALL!!!! FINE I WILL TAKE THE TOLL
ROAD. WHICH EXIT?!?!"

"Just a moment Sir, I want to verify that" (I didn't want to send him down the wrong exit since I've never driven from Chicago to here....he already knew I didn't travel)

"JESUS CHRIST...YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW!!!!!! I want YOUR name and the name of your Manager!!!! (I could hear him whipping around traffic, the man was driving, bitching me out on the phone, obviously had NO idea of where he was going and now he was taking notes....and he is acting like I am stupid?)

"It is either 77 or 78, I just want to be sure I give you the right one Sir. My name is TRESSA (spelled it at his request) and my manager is _________."(Her name didn't need spelled because it is common.)

"What is your LAST name???" (as if I was holding out on some big secret)

"Well , Sir, my last name is Bailey" (I spelled it in case he was even dumber than I thought), "but my first name will be all that is needed, I am the only person with that name here." (as far as I know the only other person within a hundred miles of me with that name is dead. I was named after her).

"I just don't want there to be any mistakes" (oh yeah....he was a real M-F-er... this one)

"One moment Sir, let me verify that exit. (I ask my very busy co-worker which one while he is busily huffing and puffing into the phone so I will know how irritated he is.) "77 Sir"

"FINE. and THEN WHAT?!?!"

"I don't understand Sir, what do you mean by then what?" (I don't know if he wants further directions or instructions as to how to check into our hotel).

"WHICH WAY DO I GO AFTER I LEAVE THE EXIT!?!?!?!?!" (the man is LOOKING for a heart-attack) He didn't need to get all "huffy" about it.

Well of course I know there is only one way he can go without breaking any traffic laws, I know where I wished he would go... I'm trying to come up with the best way to make him feel like less of an idiot than telling him this and that you can see the city from exit. We are the tallest building in town, you can see us from there. I paused just a moment too long, I think, thinking about how to put this into words without offending him....I could hear him huffing and puffing again.

"CAN I speak to a manager?!?"

"I'm sorry sir, but our offices open at 9:00, you can speak with my colleague though, if you wish."

"Let me talk to her then, AT LEAST SHE KNOWS WHICH EXIT!"

"I'll have to put you on hold for just a moment Sir." He was grumbling about stupid bitches as I placed him on hold. My coworker did not appreciate me passing the buck, but she was MOD. She took the call.

He was just as mean and rude to her. I don't think she had to spell her name out though.

She ended the conversation (after she had, even more painstakingly than I, explained how to get here from there....and she travels a lot!...the guy was an idiot) with 'Thank you for choosing our hotel, Sir! I certainly hope you enjoy your stay. We look forward to having you here!"

I knew she meant every word of it.

NOT!!!! (but the girl deserves an Academy Award!)

THANK GOD I HAVE THE WEEKENDS OFF.

All day at work it was stuff like this, not as bad....but stupid stuff all day long. I ended up bringing work home just so I could get the heck out of there after another long day (9 hours..most of them on my feet).

So now I don't even feel like going to the grocery store. I managed to keep my spirits up all the way home. I just know though, that something bad is going to happen...something stupid, like my pocket will get picked, if I leave this house. Looks like its going to be grilled cheese for dinner!

Thank God tomorrow is a brand new day.

I need another cappuccino.

Working through work

Work has been extremely busy for me lately. I bring work home every night even if I don't get it all done. Every little bit helps. Finally there is more order than chaos around my desk. It feels good. I like to pretend that I am not ambitious. Sometimes I fool myself a little bit. The truth is though, that I am one of the most ambitious people I know. Lately I am bordering on being a work-a-holic. There is a method to my madness, and a light at the end of the tunnel.



There are days that I hate to come in and long for some brainless way to earn a buck. 99% of the time I love it. I love the hotel. Mostly I like the people I work with and the way they work, although there are a few that need an attitude check. Right now I am stressing because I am trying to learn at the rate I did in High School while still working and raising a family. I can do it though. I keep reminding myself how well I did my last time as an adult in a learning environment and it gives me the confidence to keep hacking away at it.



My goal is to have a working knowledge of every position we employ at the hotel. I'm even trying to get a feel for the maintenance/engineering and housekeeping departments. I want to understand everyone else's job so I can be more useful.



Two of the skills that have been really useful to me in my entire working life are my ability to observe without being observed and my ability to spot an error/oddity. Almost every position I've ever had has required these trouble-shooting and analysis skills. Most people think I get ahead of my peers because people just like me. I have fairly good communication and social skills. Those help, but without my trouble-shooting and analysis, there'd be nothing to communicate about and I would be just another joking co-worker. Some think its my IQ, they believe that I am smarter than they are. Occassionally its true, but mostly its not. The truth is, I am just more willing to learn new things and its backed up with the experience of my careers. It seems to me that the older people get, the less likely it is that they are willing to learn. There are a lot of geniuses working at McDonalds. I know several people with degrees that don't have the job responsibilities or pay that I now enjoy. I know a lot of younger people that seem older than me.

Lots of job coaches like to use the phrase "work smarter not harder" if you want to get ahead. Frankly I think a person needs to work smarter and harder if they wish to advance in any business. Those same people like to say that "showing up" is 99% of success. I don't believe that either. I know a lot of people who show-up for the same job, day in and day out....for years and years. It takes a lot more than showing up to get ahead. A person needs to enlarge their position to move up the ladder these days, to do more than is asked of him/her. I like to anticipate the needs of my General Manager. The truth is, my real job description is to make her look good. If I'm not making her look good by the quality and level of work I do, then why should she want to give me a bigger chance to make her look inept and lazy? My job is to make her job easier.

So I am working my butt off through these promotions. Earning trust and responsibility as well as wages. She tells me what she expects and I try to excel and increase it. Then she gives me more. More authority, more responsibility, more wages, more power (both personal and professional).

People tell me I am going to work myself right out of a job. That is the goal. Everytime I do that I get a better one in return.

No I don't intend to work like this forever. However I do intend to always excel and to always exceed. Right now I am climbing the ladder. Eventually I will find my rung and rest on it. That time is coming. That is the light at the end of the tunnel.

Our hotel and office building has been up for sale. One of these days someone will buy it. I hope to keep my position. Still the truth is, often enough when a business is purchased they like to bring in their own management team. That is fine with me too. The skills and experiences I am having now will make my resume positively obese. I won't have a problem getting another, maybe even better position. The bottom line is the bottom line after all. Every business likes to have employees like me. They want more for their money....same as I do.

10 minute time capsule

I have 10 minutes to write.

Today has been hectic. I'm working a lot trying to get my office to run smoothly. Yeah it wasn't in standardized format before...but I'm working on it...working on it.

End of Quarter so there was a lot to do today just in accounting. I also have to create some new forms and a bunch of filing (which I brought home together with several alpha sorters) I measured the stack of paper I have to sort through....nearly a foot high. That is what I will begin in 10 minutes. I'll be working until midnight again....that is after the 10 hours I did today.

I gave Dizzy her bath. She seems much happier now... Baths do not please her though, so she is a little miffed at me...giving me those crazy dirty looks of hers. I prefer her smiles.

The camera seems to have started working again all on its own. I suspect my son got some moisture in the battery casing and now its dried out. Yay! Photos of the DAWG soon. Maybe even a movie.

BF has been truly supportive but I turned down his offer of help tonight (yep he was even willing to wash my dog and help with housework). I worked too late and I knew he had to be in at 7 am. I can't believe I was so unselfish. I really need a hand right now.

I haven't finished my story for the tribune yet. I'm hoping tomorrow. I'll probably post it in Blessed are the Meek since I've already posted a similar story here.

Walter broke up with his GF (that was a sigh of relief you heard). She cheated on him. He's not having much luck with fidelity. What the hell is wrong with kids these days? He's taking it well.

Still bummed about politics.

Ate too much junk food and now my tummy hurts.

::::Sigh::: 10 minutes goes fast.

Later....

This and That

I had a new commenter on my blog, like always I checked out her web site.... Miss Alaineus alemanac. Its some hilarious ranting!!! Check it out. I loved her profile too.

I like this new follower thing on blogger. Maybe it isn't new to y'all but I've been MIA for a while so I am just getting started on it. So now I am going to go blog to blog and start adding everyone that way and maybe do away with that sidebar list eventually, especially since aol is giving up the ship.

I've remained appalled all weekend about the deficit. I think I have another editorial coming.

ND lost. I hate when they lose. Its not that I am such a big football follower or fan. I like it, but its not my life. What no one realizes is that when a city like South Bend, is built completely around a College like Notre Dame.... one bad season (like last year's) affects our economy in a dangerous way. People lose jobs, they move or quit spending, then there are less dollars going out and more people lose jobs....etc. etc..... We depend way too much on Notre Dame football around here and the college as a whole. We need to become more like other cities. Develop something more than a tourist trade, like our neighboring city, Elkhart, did with RV manufacturing.

Yeah, I'm starting to become interested in our local political scene.

I think I might have to join some associations or something.

Everywhere I look I remember what it was like when I was growing up here. I remember walking the streets unafraid in the so called worst neighborhoods in the middle of the night.

I remember the school actually working with my parents to help keep me on track.

I don't remember any of the stupid rules they now have in effect to curb the individuality of young people.

I remember active parks and recreation.

I remember the library being a welcoming venue for children.

I remember policemen who knew my name.

Our city tax percentage was not nearly as high as it is now. County tax didnt' exist.

I want to know what happened. Why it happened and What we can do to make it go back to how it was.

One of these days I hope to have grandchildren raised here. I want them to live in my world....not the one that is scaring us all so much now.

Celia has a job. The pay is too low but the opportunities for advancement and more pay are there. I feel bad for young adults these days. When I was her age I was given multiple opportunities to advance within companies. (Mostly I blew them). If I said I could do something that was enough, I didn't need numerous degrees in nose blowing or carpet picking. I was given the chance to prove myself. In addition to Celia's high-school training, she worked with me in the office often. She was taught and did very well at all things administrative. She understands scheduling, purchasing, document preparation, etc. etc... Because of the state of our schools here, no one wants to hire public school graduates for anything where real skill is required. It seems unfair. Her parents could not afford private school so I supplimented her education with my own version of home-school. I brought her to work with me often. I even taught her how to build a computer from scratch. Unfortunately I cannot give her a certificate or degree. She's luckier than some though. She has a job that will finally allow her to prove herself and her abilities. Not all these young adults even get that. I worry a little for my daughter, but not much. Her employers are getting a steal. If they are smart they will realize her value pretty quickly.

I haven't talked with my oldest son this weekend yet. I hope to soon though. He's still a bit of a hermit but he does make time for me when I call him. He's a good son, just kind of a loner.

Walter's love life is a soap opera. I have my misgivings about this girl, though she seems nice enough...I just don't know. She's stirring up his emotions and I worry. I try to give him perspective on it every chance he gives me. I tell him gently that some people break up and never get back together but sometimes over doesn't mean over (my brother married the woman he started dating at 14 years old and they are still together, though high-school found them splitting up a time or two). I don't want him to be crushed if (when) this girl breaks it off. I want him to have some hope until some other girl can help him forget.

The BF has been here most of the weekend. He does my BBQs for me. The guy can sleep in the oddest spots. Last night he fell asleep in the lawn chair while slow grilling the pork shops outside. Cracks me up. I am never able to relax that much. Its impressive. He also programmed the universal remote for the television. I fail to understand why I can't figure out remotes. I can tear apart a regular computer, reload it and make it bionic but a remote control just pisses me off. I don't have that kind of patience.

My dog was brilliant but now she has been having attacks of stupidity. She seems to have forgotten all about being housebroken. I have to shampoo the carpet AGAIN. Not the whole thing but her fave areas. She still has fetch, sit pretty, go lay down and gimme a kiss down so at least she's still cute. I know I shouldn't complain, she is only 4 months old, well not quite, but still.....She's not real bad at chewing things. She mostly sticks to her toys so that is good. She has a toybox that would rival some two-year old babies though. The BF is going to flea treat my yard today. I have to give Dizzy another flea bath already (gave her one a week ago). We flea bombed the house so the things don't live long once she is inside but I can't keep her inside all the time and she gets them whenever we go outside. So here we go again.\

The BF says he likes salisbury steak. We were talking about favorite foods. BUT he has never had real salisbury steak. Only those frozen dinner types. He is in for a treat. I am making salsibury steak tonight. I make it really good too. If I could write a recipe I would give it to y'all. Basically though the trick is you make meatloaf...the kind where you use bread crumbs not the oatmeal or rice types and only use good grade hamburger, like 90% lean (I like to add finely chopped onions and sometimes green pepper, to mine as well). You make them into small hand sized loafs (about 1/4 each) and bake them at 350 for about a half hour or 45 minutes in a large sheet pan (with sides). Then you use the actual pan dripping grease (no this is not low cal....its southern) as your gravy base. You seriously brown (not golden....nope toast it) the flour in this grease in a large heavy skillet and use 1/2 heated milk and 1/2 hot water to liquify it. Use lots of pepper and for goodness sake...don't make it thin. This is hearty food for hearty men. Serve it with lumpy mashed potatoes (nope instant just won't do) and a dark green vegetable. I am also serving sauted portabellos. He's been working hard for me, he's earned those portabellos!

and that is my weekend in review.

My week in review.....ramblings....

I'm not writing as much as I intend to. Hopefully I will be able to get into a daily routine again soon.... You remember, like way back when AOL first opened the blogportals to people like me and many of you...(Rest in peace AOL Journals). Storms Whisper and Oceans Scream was the original title. I just got tired of screaming and made a somewhat gentler version here after all my bitching and moaning about the ads on aol made no difference at all. Sometimes ads have still made an appearance here and there on my site as I tried google adwords (and etc.) but I just wasn't that interested in making a profit on my writing or in writing about subjects that would stir up readership. I have always written to share my heart with others. I write for the love of it. From time to time I have a thought that slips out of my head, or a cause I want to push....but mostly it is about making the world, my world, into a bigger place in a smaller space. More love, more people, no travel.

I keep saying I'm going to quit being so personal....the whole problem is that writing is personal to me.

These are not essays, they are letters. My oversized ego thinks that if St. Paul could have reached out in this way we'd have a book in the bible called Blogosphere, placed ever so diplomatically between II Corinthians and Ephesians....... Full of encouragement in the face of phishing and dire warnings not to get involved in cyber-sex. (side bar into a small wondering....what would Paul have thought of the internet???????........)

Maybe I'm not Paul but I think in my own way, I feel, and I am sure most of you feel, the need to reach out to others nearly as greatly as he did. Maybe we don't have to introduce God into the lives of others....but I kind of think we are here for the purpose of showing that people are still good...at least most of us are. That is important today. In the news all we hear about is corruption, actions that defile humanity and selfish actions.... Here we all take the time to reach out and share ourselves and our normal lives.

So end of that ramble and onto the next one....my normal & sometimes odd life....

This week has kept me wakeful more often than not....averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night. Bringing work home, worrying about various deadlines. There are big changes about to happen where I work and some that already have. Restructuring, rebuilding. I am not worried about job security and feel that the upcoming changes will be good for me. Many of the job descriptions will change and so will our positions. I know that I am going to have some added and removed job responsibilities. I can't say much else in this public forum. I know some of the plan. While I am not happy about every detail, those are not my decisions to make. Overall I think that the hotel is once again going to be 1st choice in the area. Maybe we will even gain a star or two. No one noticed the management watching us, detailing our skills and natural abilities. We are going to fit our newly rewritten job descriptions better than I've ever had in any previous employment.

I remember when our GM first came into the picture. Nobody liked the removal of casual uniforms and appearance. Being told to straighten our posture!!!! Did she think she was our mother? (well more like my big sister, but I work with a lot of young people). Yes, she did. I took a front desk job so I could goof-off. When she came into the picture, she reread all our resumes and applications I guess. I was the first target. OMG. She knew me without knowing me and now I find myself in the back office *handling* stuff. Troubleshooting and organizing. Right now it is technically accounting....but my job reaches much much further and so do my future responsibilities (and my job title is ever-changing too). I still remember her telling me that OK, now I had taken a few months to goof off, it was time to get back to work...and she put me back to work. Several involuntary promotions in the past year later, I find myself trepidatiously looking forward to the next changes she intends to put into play and wondering if I can live up to her high opinion of my skills and intellect. I want to. My lacking education scares the bejesus out of me sometimes though. She hasn't made any major mistakes though and so far, I think she sometimes knows me better than I know me. Wish me luck!

I am still working on organizing (anal---izing) my life into some semblance of order and remembrance. So far every move in that direction seems to improve my quality of life. As a person with autistic tendencies, organization, rules and regulations matter tremendously to me, amazingly enough though, I am messy. It is a constant struggle. I'm getting in the habit again of cleaning like a crazy person at least one day on the weekend and keeping the mess limited throughout the week. Its helping. Things are slowly but surely getting organized. It feels good.

As far as my new BF goes....For those of you with questions.....I don't want to get too wrapped up in the romantic stuff being blasted to the world yet. He's a nicer guy than I sometimes deserve. He has a bad past that he is working hard to rectify. Like I can talk. He spends every weekend with me. He has 3 boys aged 16 to 24. I've been more successful with my kids than he was with his. I didn't have the interference of a new age parent though. The boys are good people though with some of their father's sweetness. My S.O. wishes that he had someone to back him up with the rules though...maybe his boys would have gone further then. Its not too late yet and his youngest is going to Chef School. Youngest should still be in high school, but at least he is doing something to better his chances at success in life. A good Chef can do pretty well too. Back to new BF. We are both alike and different. He is blown away when I think too many deep thoughts. He doesn't *get* computers really. He can use them, but he is a simple guy. To him a computer is like a blow dryer. You don't *play* on it. He doesn't know people he hasn't met. He doesn't quite *get* that either. He fixes stuff. He watches TV. He loves dogs and children. He rides his bike often. He reads voraciously. He is employed by the engineering department where I work. We have lunch together daily. Yes sometimes he takes directives from me, that's our jobs. He doesn't have an attitude about it. I don't single him out. Work is work, life is life. We don't let the two interfere with each other as much as possible. I met him since November. Liked him as a casual friend since December. I started dating him cautiously at the end of June. By July we were only dating each other. I am the first girl he's dated in 12 years, since his divorce. He still lives with his X though, so he can live with his sons and influence them too (xwife dates all the time....all casual...FWB type). I like her but we are night and day I think. Looks, lifestyle and personality. Its a somewhat strained relationship between them but you have to give the couple kudos for thinking of their children's best interests. I have no idea how they ever were together and he'd probably think the same thing about Walter's father. In all the good ways he reminds me a bit of Bo (Rich and Celia's father and my first and longest marriage)....only way way way smarter and classier. He tells a good joke but he isn't obscene. He's far from perfect. He likes tv way too much. Sometimes he is just *too* nice. He isn't the ambitious type at all. But then again....we all know what a pain in the ass I can be too. So lets all just wait and see. The BF isn't a secret but he isn't my whole life.....I'm not going to do that to any man or myself again. Its not fair to either of us. I will write about what is happening sometimes...but not all the time. If anything big happens or our status changes I will probably write about that too.....but for now, things are more than casual but we are still just dating exclusively.

Walter and his gf are going to a dance tonight. He is the grim reaper and she is the dead bride. He gave her an ankle bracelet last week. She wears it all the time. This is his first love. Probably not hers, but she seems nice from what I can see. I pray she doesn't break his heart. She is a beauty! She looks like she could be on a television soap opera as the diva's daughter.... Not that I don't think my son is worthy, but I understand the envious looks his friends are giving him. All I can think is that she is a pretty good person not to let the facts that Walter isn't as popular as she is, as cute as she can get, or rich affect her interest in him. She must like him for who he is and that gives me a certain amount of comfort. She seems to live under similar house rules too. I may not be displaced yet but I don't think I'm the apple of my son's eye any more....LOL

I probably won't write much this weekend....I have work work and housework to catch up on. I'm supposed to finish writing a story for the tribune about my sister's Cherokee Wedding too. I'm going to try and at least call my older children and catch up with them too. The weather here is beautiful....like Indian Summer. Most of all I want to take a little time to enjoy life this weekend with Walter and my S.O.....not to mention my silly dog.

Ya'll have happy days wherever you are....

Writing about how I can't think of anything to write about

I find myself wanting to write. I can't find a whole lot subject-wise. I could rant on and on about office politics which really were ticking me off today. Truth is, I love my job, but not the politics involved. Everybody is worried about my taking their place....I didn't even angle to move up to where I am, but I didn't displace anyone in gaining this position. People who used to love it when I offered a hand are now protectively guarding their space and desperately trying to put obstacles in the path I take to my space. You know how it is. STOOPID. Not worth the rant.

I want to write about my son's new romantic feelings....but I'm too confused by how I feel about how he feels. Torn. Worried and Accepting at the same time.

I want to bounce brilliant ideas and profound thoughts out into the blogosphere and have them come back improved and applicable. I'm brain dead though....and no one seems to do that anymore. I remember when blogging was new.... OMG!!!! Every read was a new adventure. To be one of the lucky one's who had their writing commented on was an honor that gave me thrills beyond belief. How I miss our spirited cyber-conversations... I even miss the flame wars.

I guess I just want to reach out for some reason.

Maybe its the State of America right now.

I've deliberately stayed out of politics this election. People have wondered to me why I was keeping my mouth shut and my fingers still. Don't I have an opinion? Its not that really....I think I'm just being cautious. I was so bewildered by the last election that I am still in psychic recovery.

I can't trust our politicians, my party, or even the American public to make the best decision for the ultimate good of our country. Not after Bush's second win. Our system worked beautifully that election....but the American people failed America.

Sometimes I think we've been so inundated with information from biased sources that we've forgotten how to think for ourselves. Maybe we have just become too lazy. Its not that I think everyone should vote as I do.... I just don't want to hear the stupid reasons why they are voting for who they are. No one is asking the hard questions. I don't think anyone really wants to know the honest answers. Whatever it is, I am too scared to let myself care that much about the rest of the voters. I will just make the best decisions I can and pray. I haven't lost faith in God yet....just the intelligence of my co-Americans. I'm disillusioned.

My writing is sometimes too personal these days. My opinion pieces are few and far between, and often border on safety. Lord I wish I were one of the daring ones again. I wish I could bring myself to write things that I feel everyone is thinking but afraid to say. The emporer is nekkid! Yo! that ain't clothing baby---that is hideous! Even his castle has crumbling walls! Instead I whine and bemoan and keep it personal. I don't want to offend anyone or any entity.

I'm coming way to close to being politically correct. I don't like it.

Help?

Like that proverbial bad penny....back again!

I'm feeling a prolific update coming on.....

I'm not dead. YAY! If you read my other blog you would have seen that I made a few postings there over my extended Summer break.

I was hoping to do this via video report but my son accidentally broke my digital camera. I'm going to try to fix it....LOL...but not today. If I can't I will probably buy another towards my birthday. In the meantime I may try to figure out how to use the video cam thingy I already have for my computer. I don't have the speaker/headphone thing anymore (though they are cheap enough I could get one), but I do have a microphone. I just need to get some double-faced tape to stabelize the camera. So don't be surprised if you find a video blog from me here in the near future.

Walter is doing much much better. High School is good for him. I knew it would be. He was too cool for the kids in grade school. He was a teenager when he was 8. Unfortunately he is dating a Senior. I don't know if I like the idea of him dating a girl so much older (he's 15, she's 18). Luckily neither of them can drive so they are limited in what they can do together. Another Mr. Studly. My boys are too hot for my good. Still she seems like a nice girl and both of them are attending school with an eye toward higher education and they seem to share morals. My hair is greyer every day.

We ended up not moving. I decided to kind of fix up this place a bit and stick around. Long story there. Its actually coming along nicely. I intend to do some more fixing up too, so I won't be blogging as much as I like for a while yet, but I should be able to do better.

The neighborhood's changed for the better recently. People moved out, better people moved in. Even my next door neighbors decided to stay. I've been busy trying to make friends and get to know my neighbors. Its really working out.

I'm driving again but still trying to keep it to a minimum because my front tires are still bald and that pesky engine light comes on and off. Its an oxygen sensor but I can't afford to have it fixed right now. Winter's coming on. Not only do I have to pay a gas bill soon but I have to come up with another $300 dollar deposit to get it on. (I turned it off and took my money when I thought I was going to move somewhere heat was included).

I've been dating and for the past couple of months I've been dating one guy in particular from work but I am going to have to break it off soon. Its a tricky situation. I should have never dated a man from work....never before and never again....but how do I gracefully extracate myself from this awkward position? My managers are thrilled with this romance but they don't know certain things about him that I do (and that make him completely unsuitable for me and my kid) and I don't want to tell why I am breaking things off with him. Advice please.

Work....OMG I have been busy. I'm looking real good though and so are the books. We are at 85% of bills being current and not delinquent. For those of you that don't the math that means only 15% are delinquent and only half of those are over 90 days. When I started the position it was almost 40/60. I'm kicking ass. Some days I hate it and I get so frustrated with being called off the accounts to fix computers or help out at the desk but its getting better all the time. I might be working myself out of a job though. With the books in order it will make it easier to sell the hotel and that could leave me unemployed. I figure it will all look good on a resume though.

I'm even considering putting my resume out there. Its not that I don't love my job, but it doesn't hurt to stir the pot a bit. I've made it through my first year now, so I could do it without looking bad.

If I have time for it, I will post some pictures from my sisters wedding tonight. Maybe a pic of my new puppy (Did I mention my baby?), Dizzy. She's adorable but a handful!

Summer stories to come in the next few entries......

How is everyone?

Sometimes I don't think I know what the Hell I want

but the scary thing is.... I probably know exactly what I want.

I'm going against my gut in so many areas right now. I keep trying to do the right things, the best things. I'm succeeding in just about every area of my life, at least by everyone else's standards but mine. Maybe I am one of those awful people who can't be happy.

I love where I work. I used to love my job, but these promotions they have been giving me are sucking the joy right out of it. Suddenly I am no longer one of the "gang". I'm also forced into a position I don't really want to be in. It feels like I am being groomed to replace someone I'd like to consider a friend. The job is taking up a lot of my time at work and at home. More than I ever planned to give to a job again. I could deal with 40 hours but its not. Its 30 hours (or more if I want) at work and then all the studying and stress and sleepless nights at home worrying about it. I applied for the relatively easy pee-on type job of Front Desk. Not manager, not accounting, not anything else. That is the job I originally accepted. I know I can do the job they have now placed me in. I'm evidently doing it better than everyone else who's had it up to now. People who were more experienced and better educated than I. I should be pleased as punch and proud to boot. There's no satisfaction in it though.

I keep telling myself to "give it time" "don't be stupid" "great opportunity" but I miss having friends and chatting up the guests. I miss coming home all happy from the fun I had at work and wanting more with Walter. I miss the energy that gave me. Now I'm coming home stressed and cranky. Worried about tomorrow. I don't think I am really cut out emotionally for management even if I seem to be good at it. Its taking a hell of a toll on me. Poor Walter! I can't even manage to keep the house up, I never feel like cooking anymore and all I want when I get home is quiet time. I think that will ease up after a couple of months...but my ego is whipped right now nonetheless.

I don't seem to be doing well at all on stopping smoking. I suck at it actually. I don't think I really want to as much as I am trying to convince myself. Part of me likes the defiance too much, plus I really like it. No getting around that right now. I don't have many vices, but this is a major one. I know its bad for me. I know I should want to quit. I watched my cousin die from lung cancer. Scare tactics don't work well on me, besides right now the depressed part of me is liking the damage I think. I don't literally cut my flesh....but I do hurt myself.

I wish I could find that state of mind I was in a few years back. I almost did it for good that time. Nearly a whole year! I love as much as I hate about it. I need to find a way to make the scale less even. I don't smoke much around S2 because he hates that I smoke, but frankly I'm not sure I will show him the absolute courtesy I usually do when he comes by tonight. I have an attitude.

I don't mean too but its like I am feeling tough and mean and ready to take on the world if I get one more rule thrust at me. I had hope that his masculinity would tame me a bit and I would listen to him and get all feminine and stuff...doesn't seem to be working out that way. Not his fault. He really is a dream-boat. Something is wrong with me I think. The only men I've ever listened to when I had an attitude were my Grandpa and my first husband. My Grandpa was the strongest man I ever knew and Bo....well Bo probably knew me better than anyone, he tried hard to tame me but in the end it was me who drove him over the edge. He never took my BS though....gotta give credit where credit is due.

And S2...well he is another reason I am beating myself up. I am always fine when he is here, happy to see him and totally devoted to him by the time he leaves. But by the time a week is over without him here, I am chomping at the bit and asking myself why I am involved with him.

Now its been two weeks and I'm really trying to make an effort but failing. Our lives seem so far apart and our attitudes so different. We do have *something", but its only passionate 2 days out of the week. I wonder if its going to be strong enough to test the strands of time and distance. I've promised to get my car fixed and start driving there to see him but to me that is terrifying.

My car isn't great, in fact its pretty unreliable and unlike him I don't make 6 digits or very nearly annually. I can't afford to worry about it so much when I can mostly walk everywhere I need to be. I have a kid that lives with me 24/7 and all you parents know how much that costs. I also have less time than he does whether or not he sees it. Then I tell myself I am a fool for not wanting to put out more effort. Here I have this tall handsome man who is apparently in-love with me, he's successful and quite a wonderful, sensitive and caring man. Absense should be making my heart grow fonder not making my feet itch. I absolutely adore his youngest child too. It would be great to be part of that child's life.

The problem is I don't like not having a man around. I am one of *those* women who feel incomplete without a man. I don't care if its not PC these days. I wasn't raised to change my own oil and frankly, I have little desire to learn unless some man is by my side teaching me all he knows about cars so we can spend more time together. I'd rather pay the $35 and get it changed at the station....but even more I'd rather spend the $35 doing something special for the man who does it for me because he loves me (even if he just takes it to the station). I want that kind of normal in the worst way. Why do I keep falling into these long distance relationships? I'm starting to develop a pattern.

Am I not as over the distrust thing as I tell myself I am? I feel like I sabotage myself. True enough S2 is really every woman's dream. He's close to being mine. All it would take is a few more bleeding knuckles (little more machismo) and about 70 less miles.

The problem is I don't want to move there. I don't. I love this town as much as I hate it sometimes. Its my home. Except for 6 misspent years in Stepford, I've lived in it all my life. I'll probably die here too. Hell in my death instructions to my daughter I have asked her to go to the rooftop of the tallest building in town (currently the one I work in) and scatter my ashes to the 4 winds because that is probably all the traveling I will ever do. It was meant seriously, but tongue in cheek (I would like to travel but I always planned on coming home).

Even if I was willing to move it would still be 4 more years because I am not going to move Walter out of this town during his High School years. Stability. Not to mention, it isn't what S2 wants either.

He holds out the promise of one year to me like a turkey on a platter. Provided we last that long he says. "If we stay together a year". I respond the way he wants me to, even though I am not feeling it after 2 days. Part of me is insulted. Men fall at my feet. How does he not realize this? I kick them aside and go after the ones who don't. If that was the be-all and end-all of my life I could live with any number of guys right now. Today.

Its not that great of an offer. He's saying to me "If you love me for one year and I don't find you to be a total pain in the ass and think we can be together for more than 2 days a week then I will give you the unsurpassed honor of quitting your job, leaving all your family and friends, uprooting your child and moving to a strange city where you know not one person so you can find another job and you and your child can start your life all over again in my house."

Helluva offer. Not that I have any feelings left for Bo, but let me tell you he knew he wanted me when he was 6 years old and I spurned him the first time. Most of the other men I've been with or even just dated (at least 90% of them) have pretty much acted the same. I am used to being the unsurpassed honor, being the one chased and I like it that way.

Right now this relationship seems to take a lot of work. Maybe its wrong to expect a good relationship to be effortless, but it shouldn't be stressful or feel like work either. So I am back to wondering what kind of game I am playing at. I don't even know if its fair for me to go on with this relationship. I don't want to break it off though. I want to love Scott. I believe he loves me. I also hate dating. I want to believe we can work things out because when we are together its magical. It just doesn't hold up to well Monday through Friday.

Know what would be perfect for me? To fall in love with the guy next door. Except there is no guy next door (not one where I am moving either).

Moving....there's another problem...not much better off than I was the last time I wrote. I have to quit procrastinating. I have to pull myself out of this funk and get my laundry caught up, my house cleaned up, and my shit boxed up. I need a drill sargeant I think. I have no ambition lately. I need more music and less attitude probably.

So on that note I am going to sign out and clean up this mess so S2 doesn't know how I've really been living. Yeah it still matters even with my relationship doubts. Hopefully he will come late enough that I can finish a rudimentary clean job, get a shower and catch up on your blogs before he gets here. He didn't sound really that enthusiastic about it so maybe....

Unbored

Hey everyone...

Sorry about the AWOL again. I've been pretty busy. I've decided not to leave the Inn. I still don't like what happened with my daughter, don't appreciate the office politics. Also, I will be in contact with the business side of the building as well here in the near future and I might be able to get her into one of the other business' future openings. (One side of the building is just office space and doesn't fall under the *no family* rules).

You guessed it.

I've received a BIG promotion at work. It was involuntary but now I am warming up to it pretty good. A new position is being created just for me. Go ahead....stroke my ever expanding ego. Its ok. I likes it. It won't be a lot more pay at first, but they've backed themselves up with me before when they said it would come later. I haven't even been there a year yet and have received several raises. I can't complain about that. I will be getting my own office which will help out a lot as far as getting my job done without interruptions.

I wasn't planning for this. It is probably going to be almost all I can handle for a while. Certainly don't have the time for it. I don't care that much about money or position. However....I am not getting any younger and this is one Hell of an opportunity. I'd be a fool not to take it and give it my best shot. I am a lot of things....but not stupid.

I'm going for it!

What I am to be, is some kind of liaison/assistant to all the departments in the two corporations. Mainly with the Hotel Comptroller, General Manager, Building Manager, Maintenance Department and Accountant (for both sides) and I will probably work with rest of the building on a smaller scale. She promised not to completely ban me from the Front Desk either (I absolutely love interacting with our guests). Some of my duties will be secretarial, but most will be managing information. I am still the Geek on Call pretty much too.

I've been chosen for this new position because of my widely varied skills and the fact that everyone seems to like me (the Comptroller/Asst. GM said *The staff just loves you!"). Kewlness. Its good to be liked.

Negotiations will probably take place this week or early next. I already have a front desk meeting on Thursday and it is pretty hard to fit in two meetings in the same week with my varied work responsibilities. So we will see.

I think I am hoping for salary over hourly, and regular daytime 8-5 hours if possible. Chances are I will have to concede a weekend a month or something, but that won't be too awful. I will probably have to start dressing up more, that's ok. I think I still know how to look the part.

What do YOU think I should consider in my negotiations...both concessions and demands. I haven't had to negotiate any kind of real employment issues in YEARS. Any and all help is greatly appreciated.

The more I think about it the more it seems like Radar's job on M.A.S.H.!!!! ROFL