Violence in the neighborhood

I have one of thoooooooose families.

I like to say we put the *fun* in dysfunctional.

My personal lineage goes back to Charlemagne on one side and the family of Will Rogers on the other.

I am basically the result of generations of blue blood gone slumming.

I have all the benefits of an indirect yet fully integrated (well except we don't have oriental or jewish people represented yet) family now. I love the various cultures that I get the opportunity to participate in. At this point the vast majority represents white trash, middle class white and black, reservation and non reservation Native Americans (there is a difference when you try to live completely *white* but aren't...I'm one of those). We also have a smattering of Puerto Ricans, Mexicans and 2nd & 3rd generation Poles. I have learned to not just accept, but to embrace all the various cultures. These people have brought out the best in me. I know what truly matters because of the family I relate too.

Its hard to believe that just a few generations ago my great Grandfather, who was a leader in the KKK disowned his own daughter for marrying a Cherokee (the beloved Grandpa I talk about so often). I hope Great Grandpa Cole turns in his grave. He was an evil man.

I also have the unfortunate propensity of some of my supposedly *higher class* relatives to snobbery in its various forms.

Kind of ironic now that I am the one in the ghetto again.

Blood will tell. I need to work on my attitude.

Me at 17.

My neighborhood is basically not white. I look white. I am 3/4 white, I guess I should look it. When I was young girl and lived in this area though, I didn't look so white. My skin has grown paler with age. The shape of my face has changed somewhat due to maturity and dental work. I don't blend in anymore (I was often mistaken for Mexican descent as a teen). My friends as a teen were mostly not white.

I thought I could move back here and not have any problems. I was wrong. It makes me sad that anyone would judge, by my pale look, that I would bigotted and discriminatory. It bothers me that I struggled so hard to better myself and now my improved speech and carriage makes people I want to be friends with actually wary of me.

But what really pisses me off is that last night, at nearly 10 pm, 4 well-dressed boys who happened to be black came to my door and asked to see my son. I let Walter go to the door so he could talk just a minute with these boys who he thought wanted to be his friend and learn about skateboarding (Walter did not actually know them). One of the boys sucker punched him for no reason other than he was a "white boy in the wrong neighborhood".

I probably should have called the police, instead I just told the little brats off. Promised the next time they came to my door I would call the police. I probably should have dumped a pail of water on him so he would have to explain that to his parents....but I didn't. I've got to move. Walter can not blend in with his white white skin and his hazel eyes. Walter is the target I've always said didn't exist.

For years I've said everytime I had to be tough and strong, and everytime I defended the rights of minorities (of which many of my family are). *You can take the girl out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl*.



I don't fit in anymore.

My love life as explained by music videos...

Gawd....I love You Tube....

I miss the old MTV




hard to ignore the truth.....




The title says it all....and hey its got a great beat and you can dance to it (I should know I did it for way too long)

I've had my share of disappointments......



I played the blame game a time or two......





Made some really bad choices





Flirted a bit too much a time or two....




I really don't mean it.....


Now I am chasing storms.....looking for hope....





Hey...I'll be back later....I just seen a leprechaun....maybe he can lead me to that rainbow....

I'm not chasing after the pot of gold....

Just one man who is



Hey.....hey..... WAIT UP!!!!

I Feel Lucky!!!!

I'm writing at weird times because my days and nights are all messed up. It is still Jan 1 in my head but on the calendar it is Jan 2.

I feel lucky!



Whatever happened to Mary Chapin Carpenter? I used to love her! This is one of my favorite songs..... I woke up this morning (nearly afternoon to tell the truth) with it ringing in my head. (another one I like is *shut up and kiss me*)

I went to work at the crack of 1:30 p.m., needing a ride to work because of the near blizzard we have going on here in the midwest. I kept hearing it. It colored my attitude all day.

Nothing but crisis at work...but I handled every little thing as it came up.

I felt lucky.

I'm talking or rather e-mailing/IMing a few guys....but one is making me feel special, I just started talking with him, but I find myself waiting to see what he will write next. It's promising. He's cute too!

I feel lucky.

Everyone despite the miserable weather and their problems has been smiling with me today. All day.

I feel lucky.

Seriously. I don't ever remember waking up on New Year's Day and feeling like this. I haven't been feeling like this really for a while. I feel like I am going somewhere. Coolness. Total Coolness. I think this is going to be a good year.

I don't know what I dreamt when I slept....but I woke up happy. I felt in control. Heck, I even felt rested. Relieved. Lucky.

It was great.

I feel lucky.






Well I woke up this morning stumbled out of my rack
I opened up the paper to the page in the back
It only took a minute for my finger to find
My daily dose of destiny, under my sign
My eyes just about popped out of my head
It said "the stars are stacked against you girl, get back in bed"

I feel lucky, I feel lucky, yeah
No Professor Doom gonna stand in my way
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Well I strolled down to the corner, gave my numbers to the clerk
The pot's eleven million so I called in sick to work
I bought a pack of Camels, a burrito and a Barq's
Crossed against the light, made a beeline for the park
The sky began to thunder, wind began to moan
I heard a voice above me saying, "girl, you better get back home"

But I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
No tropical depression gonna steal my sun away
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Now eleven million later, I was sitting at the bar
I'd bought the house a double, and the waitress a new car
Dwight Yoakam's in the corner, trying to catch my eye
Lyle Lovett's right beside me with his hand upon my thigh
The moral of this story, it's simple but it's true
Hey the stars might lie, but the numbers never do

I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
Hey Dwight, hey Lyle, boys, you don't have to fight
Hot dog, I'm feeling lucky tonight
I feel lucky, brrrrr, I feel lucky, yeah
Think I'll flip a coin, I'm a winner either way
Mmmmmm, I feel lucky today

I need sleeeeeeeeeeeeep!

My brain won't stop....

It hasn't stopped in days.

Seriously. I can't sleep. All I do is read, write, email, and chat. All the while I am watching television and reading a book. I've written a couple of poems that I won't post until I read them with a clear mind. My mind is definitely not that.

I went to work today. NO sleep. (I don't know why I can't sleep, I have to be exhausted.) I started in on the computers.....I couldn't even keep a good conversation going with the coworkers who were trying so hard to get to know me....to be my friend.... I made them all faster...stronger....better than they were when I came in....Bits and bytes I understand.

Frenetic is the word that describes me.

Drama....still not *getting any*

I don't know if anyone else reads my comments....but I do, and I pay attention. You might be surprised at how often I take your advice.

I did try to set up some time with *D*. He was supposed to come over last night and be with me and we were supposed to figure this whole thing out. It didn't happen. This time it was a job deal at 4 in the a.m.. It sounds untrue, it also doesn't sound like the kind of lie someone could come up with. I wrote him another email since we couldn't spend any real time together and I called him at 2:30 a.m. to wish him luck and left it on his voice mail. You would have thought he'd be awake by then if he had a job interview at 4 a.m.... Still no word from him. I tried calling but didn't leave a message. What else is there to say? I'll probably try to call him again.

I'm pathetic.

The thing is when he can't give me what I want, he tends to hide from me. You know, like not showing up and not returning calls. Been through this with him before. I'm getting real tired of it.

He promised to come over today. I'll believe it when I see him standing in my doorway.

Something almost always happens.....

I don't believe in somethings. I think if you really want to be with someone you will be. I think that if you really want to have something.... then obstacles are just things you climb over. I believe in making life happen and not letting it happen to me. If I knew where to find him, I would be there confronting him right now.

If he doesn't come over tonight I am going to end it completely. Cut all ties. I can't be friends with him when I want more. Its stupid to even try. If I start with the talking and emailing with him, then he will just start getting romantic again. I am tired of playing catch me if you can. I'm just not that sophisticated. I don't even want to be.

I don't want to have love and affection only sometimes. All or nothing at all.

He either wants to be with me or he doesn't. Time for him to let us both know what he wants.

So basically I'm of the mood that he needs to shit or get off the pot.

I'm also in the mood to *get some*. I've been trying to hold out but that side of me is having a major breakdown these days. I am definitely not meant to be alone. I wish I was the type who could do *it* without emotional involvement. Maybe that is where my problem lays. My physical needs are demanding to be met and my emotional needs won't let them. I'm starving inside.

I want real life. Good or bad. I want someone who is here when I need a shoulder and who turns to me when they need whatever. I want the give and take. I want the whispers in the middle of the night and conversation over coffee. I want to do things with someone. I'm tired of attending parties and events with my family or girlfriends. I want to have sex in the worst freaking way too. I'm tired of being alone. I don't do it well.

Did I mention I'm not getting any younger today? Did I mention life is moving on and I'm tired of standing still? Did I mention I don't sleep much?

I could have double dated with my younger sister last night and had some fun for a change. I need a real life in the worst way. I could have had a little of one last night. Maybe I blew off a guy that would have been interested in real life....maybe he was nice and fun and passionate. Guess I won't find out now.

I've had some interesting offers of relationships from other men too. Honestly if *D* wasn't in the picture I would have been all over *K* by now. He's probably the better choice. At least he apparently does want to meet me and see where things could go with a woman like me. He seems to think I am a all that and a bag of fritos. He's a cop and I seem to attract and be attracted by them. We understand each other's quirks. *R* could never be a serious choice, but he could be fun and he would soothe my battered ego. I just don't want to hurt him and guys like that are easily broken. He's a nice man....but I don't want him on my conscience.

I have real choices. There are even a couple of guys I've met through work who would love to go out with me and have asked me. I just don't date guys I work with or for. Maybe that is a stupid rule. I don't know.
We won't go into the *friends* who want to move up in the ranks. My ego has been fed enough.

Why *D* isn't seeing what these other guys do is the thing that frustrates me. Maybe I just want what I can't have. I hate to think I am that self destructive. I have to wonder though. Maybe I am the one who isn't looking at the other men the way I should be. I'm looking through *D* and apparently he is just going to stand there and not move unless I knock him out of the way.

I don't want to spend another New Years Eve without a kiss. Y'know I've never had one. My husbands all left me home with the kids and partied alone..... Everytime I see that movie *When Harry met Sally* I want to cry. It sucks to be without a life partner. It sucks even worse to be with one who doesn't want to be with you....for whatever reasons. I swear I am going to kiss a stranger this year if I can't decide on a date!

I guess other than my constant reflection my life is on hiatus until later tonight.

Last Chance for Romance *D*.

The wicked magical power of EST.

I have a very jealous and competitive nature. Mostly it is kept in check by the fact that I am also incredibly nice and I want everyone to love me. Also, despite my numerous falls from Grace, I am still scared to bring the Wrath of GOD down on my head (sorry....I couldn't help myself....I used to go to a very *hellfire and brimstone* type of church). So usually I don't over do too much.

Not withstanding the above (sorry again....too much time in the presence of lawyers), I like being an EST. I have to be EST whenever I can. As a child I was that kid who finished the test the quickEST and practically tripped over her shoes to deliver it to the teacher. I wanted to be the bEST. I wasn't the fastEST runner, but I was the slowEST, so it didn't bother me too much because I was still distinctive....still EST. I've always loved it when my actions or words or even better my whole self was described with one of those magical EST words.... bEST, of course was my favorite. There were also brightEST, sweetEST, sexiEST, craziEST, thinEST, blEST, prettiEST, etc. etc.....lots of words end with those magical letters that thrill me to no end. I've always been by nature, extreme. I've also been shamed and shamefully thrilled by other EST words....meanEST, raunchiEST, cruelEST, nastiEST, you know the words I'm talking about...depending on how they are used and the actual intent....

In my life I've done some wild and/or stupid things. I've numerous scars to prove it. I have the bad girl blog to document some of it. I've done cruel things too, that I still try to atone for.

I was the girl who went off road bahaing on the top of the jeep. I was the girl who would smoke a joint in front of a teacher. I was the woman who would stand up to the crack head across the street (without enough sense to worry about getting shot). I go out with strangers.

I also struggle with the super-person syndrom. I try to be everything to everyone. I have a hard time saying *No*, even when it means going on a couple of hours of sleep a night for weeks at a time. I never refuse when I am called into work no matter what else I need to do....I just do it later and forego my body's natural need for rest. I am a heart attack waiting to happen sometimes.

I fight addiction all the time. In school I experimented with drugs. As a young woman, I danced dangerously close to anorexia for a time. I came close to taking up drinking once, but I took antidepressants instead. (EST types are prone to depression because someone else can always EST beyond you....trust me...its not easy being EST). I've been addicted to people too. Smothering was the word that was used. Right now its the cigarrettes.

The problem with being an EST type of person is that you can never willingly walk away from a challenge, you never run from a fight, you never turn down a dare, there is no risk you won't take if it keeps you on top of the EST thing. You feel this intense need to always show others that you have NO LIMIT. Truth is rewritten to face the challenge with you. If you are hurt in the process its the price you have already chosen to pay. Its NOT the bEST way to live and I am constantly working on this little vice.

The good thing about being an EST type of person is that you continually strive to outdo yourself (ok and everyone else too, friends and family are no exception). You are always looking for ways to be the bEST. That is why I have succeded in business despite the lack of a college degree. It is how I managed to raise, not one but two, special needs sons (severe Asperger's autism) from recommendations of institutionalization to having one who is now, for all intents and purposes, *normal*, self sufficient and self supporting, and another who will be at that point soon. So sometimes its a virtue. I don't want to lose that drive. It's what has made me the bEST when I dealt with the worst obstacles in my life.

I am so addicted to this kind of EST behavior that finding a balance is difficult. I get a thrill from being an EST even when its bad. NOT GOOD. That happened to me yesterday....several times throughout the day.... I behaved out of character (my character is nice, and responsible and kind....but it was absent yesterday). I didn't actually do any real damage, other than to my self esteem. I've found that people are more likely than not, going to enjoy most of my EST behavior and yesterday's mistakes were more irresponsible and stupid than anything else. Its me who has to live with them and take the steps to correct what I screwed up. I'm the one who made the first impressions with the mask on. I'm the one who blew a perfectly good opportunity to advance my position in business by showing off my better skills. I am grateful that I didn't really cause irrepairable damage....but I had the choice of behaving better. Just because I will have new opportunities is no excuse to waste the ones I've been given just to get attention.

ATTENTION. That is what being an EST type is really all about. Obviously I enjoy attention. I steal it every chance I get. Maybe its the middle child syndrom. My old shrink said that she thought I did everything in extreme because I was still trying to prove myself worthy of my miracle birth (I was too premature and various other complications), or because I felt guilty because good things seemed to come to me too easy when compared with the *luck* of the rest of my family, as if I was trying to put myself back in my place. Frankly, I think I'm just a know-it-all show off most of the time....but its always nice to have an excuse. Does anyone feel sorry for me for being so mixed up in the head?....ROFLMAO. I don't!!!!! Still I use these excuses all the time. Why? Because they usually work and everyone forgives my outrageous behavior.

I'm not really that bad. Just bad enough to embarass myself once in a while, still I want to be better. I want to be the bEST person I can be....even if that means giving up some of those other little ESTs and managing the others a bit better.

I am a passionate woman.....not much choice there. I don't have to be stupid though.