Breathe in, Breathe out, Move on.

My grandmother passed on yesterday. I'm still dealing with the guilt and the poor-me's. I think I'm coming to terms with it. The thing that bothers me most is that for a period of time she felt physical pain. She had gangreen. She would have died soon anyway. She was 92. Basically my family is very lucky to have had her as long as we have, still we would have greedily accepted each additional day if we could have had them.

I'll write about her more soon. She was an amazing woman. Everything is too fresh now.

Today is my birthday. I knew she wouldn't die today. She would never do that to me. I knew it would be on a plain ordinary date so as not to dredge up painful reminders year after year. She was always so considerate, never wanting a fuss to be made.

We haven't made any solid funeral or viewing arrangements yet. I'm still waiting for my parents to call with something definite. I couldn't go today anyway. I won't make the association between today and yesterday, she wouldn't have liked that and I don't want to make people feel like they need to put on thier happy birthday faces for me. No one is happy today.

Walter has been trying so hard to make me happy today. I keep trying but all I want to do is sit and stare. Most people haven't remembered and I am ok with that. If I could have changed the date I would have. I just wish I could take away the regret from my friends and family when they realize they forgot me. I wish they could just forget completely until next year.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend too. I would have done it already but he has been angry since I decided to visit my Grandma last Saturday with my sister. (that visit is how we found out the seriousness of this situation...but thats another soap opera). He has been totally ignoring and avoiding me since then despite the fact that he knows that I was dealing with all this. Nothing in it for him to be around me when I'm sad. I thought he really cared and I was worried about hurting him. I did care for who I thought he was, even knowing he wasn't the one for me. I realize now that I was just a free meal and booty call. I helped his position at work somewhat too. He got more than he paid for. I had high hopes that I could still be friends with him, but this hurt even if I knew already that we were not going to last. I feel stupid. Used. The truth is, he was trying to keep me isolated, and I won't be trapped again.

My resolution word last year was Hope. Good word and it was good for me to concentrate on that. This year the word will be CLARITY. My life needs definition, my truths need classification, my world needs to get organized. I've gone through a lot in the past 10 years or so, its time to start understanding what all these events actually mean in my life...time to clean up some of the debris, physically and figuratively, that surrounds me.

Today, out of the blue, a man I didn't know read one of my profiles and emailed me about the following song. Jimmy Buffett wrote it after Hurricane Katrina. It sums up how I feel today. Like I always say...Sometimes God sends you angels.

I bought a cheap watch from a crazy man
Floating down canal
It doesn't use numbers or moving hands
It always just says now
Now you may be thinking that I was had
But this watch is never wrong
And If I have trouble the warranty said
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, we've seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain leaking through the door, tides at war

If a hurricane doesn't leave you dead
It will make you strong
Don't try to explain it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

[Guitar Solo]

And it rained, It was nothing really new
And it blew, seen all that before
And it poured, the Earth began to strain
Pontchartrain buried the 9th Ward to the 2nd floor

According to my watch the time is now
Past is dead and gone
Don't try to shake it just nod your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

Don't try to shake it just bow your head
Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On

I'm breathing.

Like that proverbial bad penny....back again!

I'm feeling a prolific update coming on.....

I'm not dead. YAY! If you read my other blog you would have seen that I made a few postings there over my extended Summer break.

I was hoping to do this via video report but my son accidentally broke my digital camera. I'm going to try to fix it....LOL...but not today. If I can't I will probably buy another towards my birthday. In the meantime I may try to figure out how to use the video cam thingy I already have for my computer. I don't have the speaker/headphone thing anymore (though they are cheap enough I could get one), but I do have a microphone. I just need to get some double-faced tape to stabelize the camera. So don't be surprised if you find a video blog from me here in the near future.

Walter is doing much much better. High School is good for him. I knew it would be. He was too cool for the kids in grade school. He was a teenager when he was 8. Unfortunately he is dating a Senior. I don't know if I like the idea of him dating a girl so much older (he's 15, she's 18). Luckily neither of them can drive so they are limited in what they can do together. Another Mr. Studly. My boys are too hot for my good. Still she seems like a nice girl and both of them are attending school with an eye toward higher education and they seem to share morals. My hair is greyer every day.

We ended up not moving. I decided to kind of fix up this place a bit and stick around. Long story there. Its actually coming along nicely. I intend to do some more fixing up too, so I won't be blogging as much as I like for a while yet, but I should be able to do better.

The neighborhood's changed for the better recently. People moved out, better people moved in. Even my next door neighbors decided to stay. I've been busy trying to make friends and get to know my neighbors. Its really working out.

I'm driving again but still trying to keep it to a minimum because my front tires are still bald and that pesky engine light comes on and off. Its an oxygen sensor but I can't afford to have it fixed right now. Winter's coming on. Not only do I have to pay a gas bill soon but I have to come up with another $300 dollar deposit to get it on. (I turned it off and took my money when I thought I was going to move somewhere heat was included).

I've been dating and for the past couple of months I've been dating one guy in particular from work but I am going to have to break it off soon. Its a tricky situation. I should have never dated a man from work....never before and never again....but how do I gracefully extracate myself from this awkward position? My managers are thrilled with this romance but they don't know certain things about him that I do (and that make him completely unsuitable for me and my kid) and I don't want to tell why I am breaking things off with him. Advice please.

Work....OMG I have been busy. I'm looking real good though and so are the books. We are at 85% of bills being current and not delinquent. For those of you that don't the math that means only 15% are delinquent and only half of those are over 90 days. When I started the position it was almost 40/60. I'm kicking ass. Some days I hate it and I get so frustrated with being called off the accounts to fix computers or help out at the desk but its getting better all the time. I might be working myself out of a job though. With the books in order it will make it easier to sell the hotel and that could leave me unemployed. I figure it will all look good on a resume though.

I'm even considering putting my resume out there. Its not that I don't love my job, but it doesn't hurt to stir the pot a bit. I've made it through my first year now, so I could do it without looking bad.

If I have time for it, I will post some pictures from my sisters wedding tonight. Maybe a pic of my new puppy (Did I mention my baby?), Dizzy. She's adorable but a handful!

Summer stories to come in the next few entries......

How is everyone?

Dancing with Murphy all week

Thank God Its Friday!!!!

I have worked overtime every day this week (next week will be more of the same). My kid has been difficult. My house is hot and a mess to boot. I'm smoking too much. I have been eating PB sandwiches all week (well except Monday) because I am too tired to cook/the house is too hot to cook in and I don't like hot pockets (thank God Walter loves them). Lots of employees sick or on vacation. No time for visiting with those who are here. I am busy covering spots on top of my already overloaded plate. I guess I probably don't need to mention that I haven't studied, haven't packed, and still haven't finished that IH6.

Yesterday my landlord hassled me to clean up his other tenants mess. No freaking way.

Today S2 and I broke up. One of us probably had to do it. Sometimes wanting a love just isn't enough. I was trying to figure out a way to *make* it work, because honestly he is a perfectly wonderful man, but I have too much stress on me right now to think clearly. Too many pressures this week to spare more than a few minutes a day on a relationship. I'm not sure there is a way anyhow....Kind of kills my whole *where there's a will there's a way* theory. Some mountains just can't be budged.

I took it pretty hard for about 15 minutes then exhaustion overcame me and I just layed on the sofa, stared at the ceiling and crashed. I slept about 3 hours. I needed the healing that comes from sleep. Not that I am happy about this turn of events, but I accept it. I have no anger towards him though as always I wish I did. Anger I can deal with. Disappointment, not so much.

I did get the feeling he thought I may have been unfair to him in this blog. To set the record straight..... I was NOT used in any way, shape or form. He showed me the utmost respect. Showered me with love and affection. He was good and kind towards my son. He's a good man and lots of women would be completely content with him.

Its just really hard to build a real relationship when you can't be involved in each other's lives. I have resolved to NEVER date a man that lives outside my county and I am going to heavily screen any man who lives outside my city.

The truth is, I don't just suck at marriage, I suck at any relationship if we aren't spending any real time together. I don't think I require more time than most women who are coupled up. I don't require doting, but I do like doing things together and hanging out. I am not independent enough to enjoy my own solitude. I need people, including the man in my life, around me once in a while. I am very social and I like interacting. Even my career choices reflect this. I also like a lot of spur-of-the moment activities. Not a big consideration when your man lives a few minutes away, when he lives hours away, well sponteneity takes planning.

S2 also feels that I gave him mixed messages. I dunno maybe he's right. Its kind of a he said/she said situation. Its not the words so much but the assumptions made about what was known at the time and what was actually meant. All in all though, I feel we have been completely honest and open with each other. Besides I confuse myself, no wonder I confuse men. Sometimes things just don't work out. I'm going to leave it at that.

I'm going to miss having him in my life. We intend to still be friends, well at least I think we do. Usually though people just stop communicating.

I went ahead and adjusted my POF profile and put it back online. I don't know why. I really am not interested in dating. Maybe I just want the reassurance that I can if I choose. Those letters are great ego stroking and God knows I could use some. I really don't have time for a relationship right now anyway.

So because I wasted so much time reading and writing and fooling around on the internet (trying to do something mindless because thinking so much is giving me a headache) I've done nothing at all tonight. I think I am going to leave the phone off (i've unplugged it for a couple of days because I haven't been dealing well with these issues) and try to get something done over the weekend if I don't get called in to work.

Guess I will go to bed pretty soon. Tomorrow this week will end and I won't be sorry to see it go.

Who amongst you wants to break my fingers?

Stomp on my keyboard?

Shut off my electricity?

Make me stop?

See the reason I need a boyfriend is so that I have someone to write these long long letters too. LOL....

So today was supposed to be the last of the two week window but then later I told him to take as long as he likes with the added comment that basically I might be still here or I might not be. Way to put my foot down right?

Would someone please remind me what I say in these situations?

You know what really is annoying?!?! I'm getting my head together. I'm finding all the pieces to my heart. I have gone two whole days without crying or thinking over much about him. He's still invading my sleep. I have enough problems with sleep. He needs to get out of it!!! I wake up sad, then see the sunshine and I know my world is going to be ok....but I want to wake up happy again.

Puhlease no one tell me that its only been two weeks. In my world that is a long time. I fall down, I get up, I trip again. That is how it works.

When the kids were little I used all kinds of tricks to keep them from having bad dreams. They inherited it from me. I wanted them to feel *in control* even while they slept. I've even had them sleep with a remote so they could *change the channel*. Another thing we did was plan our dreams. We would come up with a script wherein my children came out the victor in their nightly battles.

If I were to employ that trick, would I be truly evil if I imagined He-who-must-not-be-named being castrated while while getting bitten by his next ex? Would it be more socially acceptable for him to be hit by a train? Normally I am not worried about being PC, but I don't want to warp my mind any more than necessary. I just want to get him out of my head.

Perhaps you have a better suggestion? I don't have a problem asking for a ghost writer to make a ghost out of the shadow. Seems appropriate somehow.

You know Einstein said something to the effect that our thoughts were more powerful than our actions. What a concept!

:::::evil grin disguised as a sweet smile::::::

I don't wanna go to work. I want to playyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!! It is too sunny to be cooped up. I want to clean up my yard (but I need a rake) and I want to put my screens in (I don't know how but I'll figure it out). I definitely need to wash my windows. I wish I didn't need money so I could have more time. :::sigh::::

Well I guess I better start getting ready. I'm supposed to work 11-7 but I think if I get there early I might get out earlier too....

I feel like scheming.

I'm supposed to be sleeping

Hi again....Damn I've just been prolific lately haven't I? Well I have too much time on my hands and no focus for anything else....

Work was ok today. I did mostly billing work. Some filing. Not much front desk stuff today but I did have a long chat with a guest of ours who happens to be a lawyer. I think he was liking me a bit towards the end. It was kind of funny because, at first he didn't seem attracted to me, but the more we talked about law, the more he moved in closer and closer until I was downright uncomfy with the proximity. Too funny huh? I was glad when I was called away for more office work.

I've been on the phone allllllllllllllllll freakin day it seems. Suddenly everyone is checking up on me! I hate that. Does my family really think I am going to go spastic now? Well at least they are paying back some favors (well except for lil sis Rhonda....I owe her more than I will ever be able to repay in this lifetime, God blessed me with her!).

I love my family, don't misunderstand, crazy disfunctional lot that we are..... but they expect me to be super human sometimes and always assume that I can do everything on my own or..... and this is the thing that ticks me off.... they think I should try to flirt with some guy to get the guy to do stuff. I can say this because I am southern....It's part of the southern way of life. Bat my lashes and men are supposed to grant my wishes. If only it were so easy. Hell if only I would lose my pride and let them....roflmao.....maybe it could be that easy.....

I've become so annoyed with folks lately, for ignoring me or blowing me off when I've asked for a return on the many many favors I've done for all of them (including thousands of dollars worth of free legal because of my connections) from computer repair, to documents and baby sitting that I have quit taking thier calls as a rule. Now that I'm sooooooooooo broken hearted, they are all hovering about (probably to see if I really am human LOL). Not to mention baby-sis Rhonda has probably told them all off about me again (She loves me!!!! I am sooooooooo lucky!) I've decided to take terrible advantage of them all.... well maybe not terrible, but hey, I need a few things done and I am family right?

My brother is going to come over and air up my blasted tires on Friday so I can get it out of my back yard and get new tires put on. (Wow....finally now that the weather IS nice enough to walk in, someone is actually going to help me out, but then again, no one mentioned to my brother I needed it done, even when I asked someone to check with him for me.) My Dad actually made the effort to make sure I received my mail in a timely fashion (I get Walters SS check at thier house because my neighborhood is so bad, and trust me the kid needs the money for stuff related to his socialization issues....I use it all on stuff to help him cope with the form of autism he has) and even Cindy has been getting some of her crap out of my house (now if she'd only take her stupid 3 cats before I get the urge to have road-kill cuisine!).

Rhonda is trying to call in a favor. She wants me to have a game night with her and her fiance's single male friend, Sandy. I'm not real enthused, but apparently I am single whether I feel it or not, and I can't deny Rhonda any reasonable thing, so I told her to set it up and I would go. I know it sounds petty, but I'd feel better about it if he at least had a more manly moniker.... ROFLMAO..... I didn't realize I was that shallow.... Now a man has to be at least 5'8", halfway intelligent and have a cool name... Talk about greedy!! She does understand I am not going to fall for the guy...

It would be nice to have a date for her wedding in August anyway. I think I told y'all about it.... Martha Stewart meets Billy Idol or some such comparison. It is so funny to think of my very proper, very ladylike (remember I was the tomboy) lil sis marrying a biker!!!! I can see her now....all dressed up in black and cream lace and him in his leathers. Seriously it is going to be a blast!!! A hog roast reception. Unbelievable!!!!! I can guarantee you that the picnic tables will have table cloths and center pieces.... I plan to take lots of pictures. It is soooooooo good to see her so happy! No one deserves happiness like her. She's always been my angel, and she's been the angel for quite a few others too. Like I said, God blessed me with her. I'm glad He's blessing Rhonda now.

So another day without shedding tears or receiving email or any other form of communication from he-who-must-not-be-named. I'm dealing pretty well I think....I'm smoking too much though.

My inner child

I cracked up one of my friends with this today.

My inner child as painted by Norman Rockwell:






Seriously, You have no idea how often I found myself in this particular position then!

I think it suits me right now too.

I haven't cried since I woke up. I've actually cleaned up the mess around the house a bit and I'm going to finish it before the night is through. No letter from the one-who-got-away but that is probably a good portion of the reason I am not crying. I feel a bit stronger without the salt being rubbed into my wounds. Maybe I am even getting a scab or two.

I played rock music all day!

Y'know even when I was a kid I always broke out into a grin when things were about to get *busy*.

Crying doesn't make it better.

What is hope anyway but the triumph over fear?

I think I still have it, maybe not for the things I want to have it for, but I have hope still. I have hope that I can stand tall again and get a grip on my life. I have hope that I can find my pride and put my heart back together. I am a grown up after all.

All my life I've known what to do when someone damaged me. I would cut them out of my life completely, I walked away and never looked back at those who harmed me.

A person could cease to exist in my own little world.

Events could be completely erased in my head.

Its been a life saver and a sanity saver.

I still know of the events and people, but it is like they happened to someone else, like I read it in a book.

I just refuse to remember. I know of at least 20 times I've done this.

Only once has it ever left any lasting damage to me and so I am stuck with 2 phobias that I am constantly fighting while yet still unwilling to actually rememember the event that caused them.

Truth be told, I've made so many adjustments that it isn't really necessary for me to overcome my convenient memory loss. I've found numerous ways to improvise.

I can't think of one good reason to remember. No good can come of it.

I can't do it at will though. I wish I could right now.

It hurts to remember.

I can't forget him when he keeps appearing.

I can't erase him from my heart and mind when it seems as though he is engraved there.

I can't fight him when he uses my own weapons (words) to hypnotise me.

I can't figure out what he wants or expects from me.

All I know is he isn't saying he wants me in his life. He infers it though.

He knows how deeply I read things, he fills his excuses with veiled hope and shrouded regret.

I don't know whether its intentional or not. He's smarter than I am. Not by much though.

I don't dare focus on the fact that maybe he is regretful and wants me to continue to hope for us. I don't want to be stupid. I've been stupid enough.

I know I am the one who chose to walk away.
I didn't cause the pain though and I didn't cause the fear that brought it.
I tried to fight it. I didn't win.
The fear was bigger than my hope.

At least I actually did something instead of sitting around whining about how scared I was that I would lose him and every dream I had. I fought to keep it. I just lost.

I asked him to stop writing me last night, I know I can't go on like this.

Its torture. Part of me wishes I didn't. I am still watching the mailbox, but the longer it goes empty the more distance there will be.

I've always hated the distance between us. It is the root of our problems. Now I am grateful because the distance might be the only way I can pretend it all didn't happen.

I tried to save him, I tried to save us....all that's left to save is me.

I'm not as good at this as I thought I was.

I find it is a lot easier to fall in love than it is to fall out of it. It is a lot easier to believe in fairytales than to face truth. It is a lot easier to deal with dreams than to overcome the effects of a nightmare.

My steel spine feels as soft as jello. My heart isn't hard, it is broken.

Words are all I can relate to, all I understand. I'm manipulated, controlled and consoled by 26 letters in the alphabet.

There ought to be more.

I read this today.

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should
just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman

I also read his responses to my scathing e-mails. I stayed strong. It wasn't easy. It should be getting easier. I should be able to delete his emails, or at least not read them. I'd be happy if I could just ignore them and not respond. You know I did. He knows I will too. He knows me so well. I don't know what the purpose is.

There was the usual yadda yadda about my wonderfulness and how I deserve better and how he is so sorry he lost me. Yeah, it was a choice and I can't be that wonderful, because I wasn't the choice he made. He actually got his divorced finalized this past week and a half. Yippee! What does it even matter? As long as I don't matter enough to be part of his life why does he keep writing me?

He also pointed out that his profile was always set to just *dating* and not LTR. Fine maybe I am remembering it wrong. Its hard to keep track of words on screen and words in my ear. I know that we talked about forever and that is definitely a LTR, so it doesn't change the fact that he misrepresented his intentions to me, doesn't matter exactly how.

Do you suppose I am his ego feed? Maybe he is just trying to make his guilt go away by trying to make me feel better. It doesn't work. I only feel worse because I am too smart to believe his words over his actions. It makes me feel worse because I want my heart to be right just once, instead of my head. Maybe he just wants to make me think he didn't mislead me, or that if he did it was unintentional. I still have all his letters though and if I understand anything in life it is the power of those 26 letters in the alphabet.

I hurt all over. I don't want to eat but I am going to binge anyway. Today is for cookies and cake and not for makeup or hair brushing.

More than anything I wish the only man who ever really loved me could hold me once more.

I would crawl up on his lap and bury my face in his chest and cry until I had no tears left.

Somehow he'd make everything all right again.

I miss my Grandpa.

A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~Author Unknown

I took his necklace off my neck today. I thought I was choking. I took off the ankle bracelet too, afraid that I might lose my balance once again.

I don't know what to do with them really. So I put them in their boxes and put the boxes on a shelf I never go to. To give them back I would have to see him. I already know how easily he can convince me with those lighter than blue eyes. Too odd not to stare into and once there I would fall. I can't give them away to anyone I care about. It is like a jinx on them. I can't throw them away because they have a power all their own. Maybe I will pull them out now and again and look at them. Remind myself how hearts can burn and still not feel a thing.

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant. ~Salvador Dalí

Right now I wonder if love really exists. I haven't dated anyone since he broke my heart and probably won't for a while. I'm also not leading anyone on. I don't do that. I give everyone my blog address so they can know the truth.

The countless gold of a merry heart, The rubies and pearls of a loving eye,
The indolent never can bring to the mart, Nor the secret hoard up in his treasury.
~William Blake

I recall how he waxed poetically about how wonderful I am and how I need and deserve so much more than he can give me. Like I didn't know that already. I'm pissed because he misrepresented himself to be that man who would at least try to give me what I need and deserve (not to mention all the love and caring I wanted to give right back) and to be looking for the same things.

He called my love a treasure. Yeah right.

What man would pass up a treasure?

I was a time filler.

That in-between woman who fixes a man's heart so he can love someone else. He never loves the in-between woman because she is the one who saw him when he was weak.

Clasp my love around your neck,Wear my heart on your finger.
My soul will be your pendant: I live to adorn you -
You're the precious one. ~Grey Livingston, "Genuine Adoration"

One thing I did learn, if you pick up the pieces you don't get to keep the whole.

I would rather be adorned by beauty of character
than jewels. Jewels are the gift of fortune,
while character comes from within. ~Titus Maccius Plautus

He talks about how he let me slip through his fingers and not how he shut the door in my face.

He takes no responsibility whatsoever for his own actions or rather lack thereof.

He never admits to deceiving me or playing with my heart. He just makes a veiled reference to the baggage on his ship which I assume means his fear.

Give crowns and pounds and guineas But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies, But keep your fancy free.~A.E. Housman

I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds
on my neck. ~Emma Goldman

In choosing fear over me, he lost a lot more than a couple of pieces of jewelry.

The most precious jewels are not made of stone, but of flesh. ~Robert Ludlum

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur

We choose to love, we do not choose to stop loving.--latin proverb

I stole that quote from a friend of mine (and right now I only have just friends) on the dating site Plenty of Fish (which despite my poor judgment is still a great free dating site).

It really is the perfect quote for him, he is a tough on the outside and soft in the middle type of guy. A perfect quote for that type of site.

I was played. I know this now.

I don't know why he emailed me letters telling me how much he loved me after I called it quits. (that is why I gave him the 2 week window to come to his senses) Some pathetic need to hang onto all the hearts he takes a grab at I guess. I felt so guilty about breaking his poor little heart. I felt bad about giving up so soon and the tough choices I had to make.

I felt like a failure because I couldn't break through his *wall of fear*. That wall is nothing but a prop. That way he can get a woman's full attention without ever having to commit to her or give up any real thing from himself.

He's going to be lonely here in a few years when his children finally grow up.

I felt sorry about that too.

Now I just feel kind of stupid.

I'm going to get over this.....My heart might be made of glass, but my spine is made of steel.

Quid pro quo

To be honest, I don't know whether we've broken up or not. We have serious issues though. No contact for 3 days and the previous 2 days were not so hot.

He's been swearing he loves me from day one. He still is. I love him, at least I love what he lets me love. I don't believe he loves me. I think he is fooling himself. He wants to love someone but he is afraid to let anyone actually into his life. He pretends pretty well.

See I don't think a person is capable of loving someone they don't trust.

I don't want to be a secret. Yet while he is a part of my life....I am not a part of his.

It feels untruthful. I'm not willing to be a part of anyone's lie, even if the one they are lieing to is themself.

I explained my current situation and my feelings about these matters to him in much greater detail.

His answer was that he was afraid that he or his children might be hurt by actions I've given no indication I would do, someone else did those things to him.

In a nutshell, he wants to be in my life, be friends with Walter and for me to keep out of his life.

It doesn't work that way with me. One person can not do all the sharing. It is unbalanced.

There is no room for fear in a relationship. You can not love a person you are afraid of.

I told him off pretty good in my last 2 emails to him. I told him to take a couple of weeks to figure out what he wanted his life to be and who he wanted in it. If he doesn't call by then I will know I am not it.

I will move on. Immediately as always. Life is too short to be lonely. I will say *Next*. I just need a definitive answer from him, either by his words and actions inviting me to into his life, for real this time, or by the lack of them. I'm prepared to go in either direction.

Its ironic, that the very thing he was afraid I would do to him, cause pain to him and his children, is the very thing he has done to Walter and me.

I think the thing that makes me angry (and I do have some anger) is that I questioned him extensively (BEFORE I ever got serious with him) about his last relationship and whether or not he was really over it. Its been over a year, according to him, since its been over. She's moved on and he indicated he was more than ready to do the same. I've been as honest with him about what I want out of life as I am in this blog, he said he wanted the same. He's lieing to someone....it doesn't matter whether its him or me.

I want to believe that he loved me, at least in the beginning. It sucks to think I've been fooled. there was never any need to lie to me. I would have kept my feelings in check then, but I still would have dated him. He's a perfectly wonderful man except for all this BS. I have no idea what happened to change things. It wasn't me. I haven't played any jealousy games nor have I hidden anything from him. I don't understand the reason he doesn't want to let this relationship go where it would have already gone naturally had we lived closer together.

Things are worth working out if he comes to his senses. If he doesn't, I can't be sorry about our time together but I will never speak with him again. I will miss him. I could never settle for friendship. It would never be enough.

I think he's being foolish if his words were not all lies. If he spoke the truth even half the time he's going to find out that most women are not like me, and the ones who are have been taken a long time ago. Especially in this area. I don't know about my chances either.

That's the whole part of this thing that makes me so sad. I will love again, but not so fearlessly. At least I've finished crying.

Fear is not an option.

From the movie *The Princess Diaries*

In a letter to his daughter, Mia, the deceased Eduard Christoff Philippe GErard Renaldi, Prince of Genovia wrote:

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is
more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not
live at all.

I like movies like that, my inner child comes out (She is still 11 and waiting for Grandpa's next visit) and her heart and mind are open to all the good lessons that these modern day fables can teach. She isn't cynical and still believes in happily ever after. She hasn't lived that much of my life yet.

My Grandpa used to tell me that when I was really afraid that I only had three options. The first was to stand still and let it overtake me. Surrender. Let fear win and I would lose. The second was to run from it. Ignore it, but he said it wouldn't go away, it would always be right there behind me and I would always feel it breathing down my neck. The fear would hunt me down until it completely took over my life. The final choice was to fight it. Face it nose to nose and stand a chance at beating it. He told me that when I get knocked down I can lay there or I can get up and walk again.

Grandpa wasn't much for sissies or cowards. I'm not much for them either.

I understand fear though. I have two phobias I have yet to overcome from a childhood incident (which is why my Grandpa actually had this talk with me when I refused to get into a rowboat because I am afraid of drowning...I got in by the way, with a life jacket). I'm not as afraid as I once was of drowning and/or being lost, but I still have a way to go.

My fears are valid fears, based on this incident where I was lost and did nearly drown. I was only 4 years old and unable to save myself. My fears are NOT unfounded.

Right now I can swim in pools, not well, but as long as I know I can save myself I am ok. I will go up to my neck in larger bodies of water but my heart is pounding. I love boating now, and I don't have to have a life jacket on, just nearby.

As a young child, I was afraid to walk down the street. I go new places often now. Its never easy and seldom very far just yet, though I have driven across State. One day I will go farther. I fill my car with things that make people laugh, a whole bottle of brake fluid for instance, also transmission fluid, antifreeze, and oil, food, water, a telephone, map and a compass. Usually there are blankets and a change of clothing. If I could afford GPS I would have that too. This is even for the city where I live. Still I will drive if I have a valid reason to go somewhere, I just have to be able to survive being lost.

Trying to swim and trying not to get lost are both still capable of knocking me on my ass with a panic attack which often goes into an asthma attack. I deal with the attacks. I fight my fear.

I don't let fear beat me. One day I will knock fear completely on its Ass too....I will swim in deep water and I will travel at least across the country to see the Grand Canyon or something by myself.

I tell you all this because it is an explanation as to why I am not reading you right now and spending so much time writing (though the posts are yet to come). I am trying to get strong by purging all that which weakens me. I am fighting fear right now....and I am not winning. I probably won't. The fear *has come upon me*, to quote Job.

I've been crying a lot. My eyes are like dimpled tomatoes right now. All swollen and red. I can't sleep and eating is feast or famine. My thoughts are fast and furious and scrambling up my head.

I had to make a really tough choice. I am not going to go all melodramatic here and say that I will never get over it. I will. I won't say it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It wasn't. I won't swear that I can never love another. Love is what I do. I will say that I have never felt so sad though. I have this feeling of loss and helplessness. I feel pity and sympathy for someone that I cannot reach out to because a wall of fear separates us.

I'm not a crying person. You have never even seen me write that I have cried anything but tears of joy when Celia was safe from the hurricane. It surprises me to cry like this. It surprises me that I am willing to admit it. I just have no other reaction in me.

I prefer anger. Anger makes me stronger. If I am mad enough I will fight, I will fight dirty. I'm a scrapper from way back. I'm the kid that hollered at God himself when life wasn't the way it should be.

But I can't fight this. His fear is stronger than I am. I am beaten by it.

I'm crying because I am whipped by fear and it isn't even my own.

My love life as explained by music videos...

Gawd....I love You Tube....

I miss the old MTV




hard to ignore the truth.....




The title says it all....and hey its got a great beat and you can dance to it (I should know I did it for way too long)

I've had my share of disappointments......



I played the blame game a time or two......





Made some really bad choices





Flirted a bit too much a time or two....




I really don't mean it.....


Now I am chasing storms.....looking for hope....





Hey...I'll be back later....I just seen a leprechaun....maybe he can lead me to that rainbow....

I'm not chasing after the pot of gold....

Just one man who is



Hey.....hey..... WAIT UP!!!!