Its Time For A Cool Change

Life isn't exactly good...but it feels good. Does that even make sense? I can just feel it. Lots of changes going on for me right now. Isn't that always the case? I think things are getting better. So many things all at once now that despite my desire to write all about them, it would take days so I am making a list so I have time to go visit you!

...if you are curious about anything on this list and want to know more....email me.

1. Decided not to work it out with the room mate. Finally realize that just because something could be doesn't actually mean it should be. I guess the fact that I couldn't bring myself to move past the room mate stage should have given me a clue.



2. Kids are all doing great. Richard is the same as always..works plays and won't settle down with one woman. Celia has been promoted up at work...she loves it. Walter is getting really good at videos and looking forward to the end of Summer Skateboarding competition (he's also getting more responsible and less moody).

3. Walter may have broken yet another video camera. If this kid didn't have talent I would finish the job on his head! Kudos for him though....he didn't lose his temper, blame God or the cosmos, and he didn't have a tantrum. Might be growing up after all.






4. Had to replace our cell phones (mine was broken by above listed roommate). They are totally cool but not texting machines. Both of them have blue tooth, video cameras and MP3 players and web access if I would allow it. I can add 4 (originally phone only took 2g) gig of memory to mine (and I will). Walter didn't need 4 gig addl. memory because he has separate cameras and mp3 players (I want to be a kid again so I can have all the cool stuff). My new ring tone is "you make my pants wanna get up and dance* by Dr. Hook. I have this Motorola and Walter has this Nokia. I bought him a rather heavy duty cover as well. The cost? Less than $150 and 30 months on my contract. I am pretty happy with Centennial so it was no big deal extending it out.


5. I got really kind of pissed off at work recently and felt the single action of someone very high up (not my boss) had completely insulted and disregarded several coworkers and myself. I was going to quit and rightfully so but I've come back to Earth. I love my job. It would be stupid to work someplace boring and/or draining again. Going to try to wait out the economy and the stress levels here. The person doesn't screw up that much (not to mention that because of his position he can really do whatever he wants) and my pride can be a bad thing sometimes. No one wants me to go. Not even me really. So here I will stay.

6. Bought a used laptop and refurbed it. Love it...well except for this keyboard that isn't tilted quite right for my touch typing. I will get the hang of it though. Still need to replace the battery...one of these days Walter won't be needing a new skateboard, camera, pair of shoes, new jeans, or school supplies and I will get it. Meanwhile it only has 60 G of HD space but I do have a 220 G external drive so that really isn't much of a foreseeable problem. It runs XP and I have .75G of fast ram which is fine for my use of this computer (mostly word processing... games or heavy graphics). CDRW+DVD, Good (not great) wireless (connects at 54mbps on my 100 mbps connection) and 2.0 USB (2) rounds out the basic system with a 4 port extension module (brings it up to 5 - 2.0 usb connections). In all I have invested about $250. How do you think I did?

7. Was going to go to the 4-H fair this weekend but since Walter needs a new video camera I think I will give him the choice about where the money will go. I'd probably spend about $200 on the fair and I can get him a new (albeit cheap) video camera and a day at the skate park for that.

8. Stayed after work for Wednesday Women's Wind-down last night (a thing we have in The Cellar Door Restaurant and Lounge at our Hotel) and I had my tarot cards read by a self professed witch. Around here she is known as the "Grey Witch" and she lives in a place called Ravyn house (not too far from where I live). Amazingly accurate. She said I have 3 major decisions to make. (Wondering if I've already made 2 of them???) That I had inherited psychic gifts from my Grandmother (and other family members)....and she just knew things she couldn't possibly know.

9. Met some of my boss/Friends (hereafter referred to as SC)'s friends. SC has nice friends. I liked them.

10. Have decided that I should move to this apartment complex 1 block away from work. It is a converted High School (my mother attended it back when). Check out the link to the actual apartment site. It has floor plans and everything. Tell me what you think!





11. I'm beginning my 2nd week of the *Activia Challenge*. WOW!!! You would never believe how good I feel. I really was full of shit!!! :::snickering::: Seriously, I have lost about 6 inches around my middle- that happened almost immediately. My overall health has improved as well as my energy level. Yep I am regular. No cramps or churning. But its more than that. When one's body shuts down because of stress, as in my case, or any other reason...it begins poisoning itself. That's right. Poison. Stuff we don't use is supposed to go away. Its like any other clutter in your life...its messy. At any rate for any of you who wondered if it works...I give it an unqualified thumbs up. I used to take medicine for this condition (IBS) and it didn't work nearly as well as Activia. Activia is a lot cheaper and healthier too. Try it.

12. Currently updating and certifying my skills set. I started when I thought I would be changing jobs, but despite deciding to stay at my current job, I am going to continue with this. You never know when a promotion will open up and also the economy could crash again and take the hotel with it. Better safe than sorry.

Well theres more.... life has been eventful but I need a break and then I need to catch up with you....

Hope y'all had wonderful days!

Bah Humbug

I'm trying....really trying to find the Christmas spirit. Dammit all I am freaking spoiled. I do have a good job, great kids, a boyfriend....well for the time being....we'll get back to that.....and the family isn't hassling me. I always find the *buts* and the *exceptions*.

I haven't bought even one present yet. I did finally put the tree up a few days ago. I've been battling a cold for a month now. I'm exhausted. I can't do this all by myself and I can't find anyone I am willing to share my life with.

My two oldest kids and I are so busy that we haven't found the time to be with each other since Rhonda's wedding in August. I miss them. I am happy their lives are apparently going pretty well....but I am their mother until the ends of their days and I miss them. Both of them are 3rd shifters and I am too old to be able to stay up late enough to keep up with them. But God I miss them.

My story about the wedding did get published in the paper. Only my family noticed. I was so bummed. They gave me a whole page, front page section B to be exact....and the only people who really noticed were the ones I actually told about it. It really bummed me out. I'd told my friends and coworkers for weeks and no one actually noticed. It was even a slow news day. Everyone else gets the article posted on the bulletin board at work. It sucked not being noticed. It was a really good story, even after editing (which was done with a light hand). It was my first byline.

Walter is a contrary 15. He threatens to leave home on a regular basis until I remind him exactly what that will entail. I've spoiled him and can't seem to undo the damage completely. I have to stop myself from comparing him to his siblings. Maybe it was just that I was so much younger then. They were raised different too. I didn't have any money when they were small so they were more grateful for the things I could afford when they were teens. With Walter, he started off with a lot more money (2 parent household with good paying jobs) and ended up as a poorer teen (not that he doesn't get as much as Rich and Celia did, I only have one teen now instead of two). Lord I hope this attitude is more about his age than his personality.

Work....oh geez work....there is good and there is bad. I received another dollar an hour raise but I was promised two. I was also promised a reasonable insurance package. I was offered a package wherein I pay 75% (approximately $1200 per month cost to me). I was pissed but my GM said they were going to reevaluate the insurance package in March or late February. I was willing to wait but now I find out that some get it free... I have brought this company almost current in receivables (it was running about 60/40 in current/past 90 days accounts) and have generated almost 80 grand in 90 day or more (some as much as 2 years) past due receivables since I started this position this past July. I am constantly troubleshooting other departments, fixing computers and subbing for the front desk in addition to all that. I'm not sure I want to wait anymore. I am freaking insulted to tell you the truth. I love the job but I don't always think I am being treated fairly and I don't think I should have to threaten to quit to be treated equal to the other managers here. I am expected to act and think like a manager without the title or pay that goes with it. My GM just tells me to wait...eventually.... I've already turned down 3 offers, but now I'm thinking about looking for employment elsewhere. All I know is that if something needs doing I've been the one doing it, even if it means bringing it home. It pisses off my kid, my family and my boyfriend....I guess I am just trying to deal with it all.

I don't know about the current BF. He's smothering me. Its like my life has been taken over by his need to sit around and watch television with me by his side. I don't even watch freakin television as a rule. I miss blogging. I miss doing things on the spur of a moment with my friends. I miss being single I guess.... I like making my own rules, choosing my own channels, and doing what I want. Why does it have to be either/or all the time?  Its wierd....I didn't mind it so much when my first husband was wanting to be with me all the time.  This doesn't bode well for BF...considering I divorced the 1st husband. Of course he was way funnier....

Life is good....but I know I could make it great with a little more effort. I know I could change things if I would just remember how to be truthful. I haven't lost hope....just forgot how to voice it.

Maybe I just need a shrink....

Am I wrong? Am I wanting too much?

BOO!!!!!

Well I am very busy...but I couldn't let the day go unnoticed. Seriously I barely had time to go to the

<

<

My wonderful GM kept bugging me with her constant inquiries about the current state of affairs.....

<

The front desk wasn't keeping quiet either. It's like they expected me to know EVERYTHING!

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit!
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."
What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley?
I'm bone to be wild.
What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties
What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae?
Whipped scream.
What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I Scream.
What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray.
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and deady.
What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.
What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.
What do you call a witch who lives at the beach?
A sand witch.
What do you call dead cows that come back to life?
Zombeef.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius?
Pumpkin pi.
What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day?
Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.
What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
What game do ghost like to play?
Peek-a-Boo.
What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!"
A monster laughing his head off
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
He is mist.
What happens when a ghost haunts a theater?
The actors get stage fright.
What instrument do skeletons play?
Trom-BONE.
What is a ghost's favorite desert?
Iced Screams.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
What kind of makeup do ghosts wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos.
What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!
What's a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
What's Dracula's favorite flavor of ice cream?
Vein-illa.
What's it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It's a pain in the neck.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.
Where do ghosts mail their letters?
At the ghost office
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
Why did the ghost go into the bar?
For the boos.
Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test?
To see if she was his type.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He had no guts.
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party?
He had no body to dance with.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps.
Why do witches fly on brooms?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
Why doesn't anybody like Dracula?
He has a bat temper.
Why don't mummies take vacations?
They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!
What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A dead end.
What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
Fasten your sheet belt.
Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
His ghoul friend.
What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A blood hound.
How can you tell when windows are scared?
They get shudders.

Seriously...I tried hard to be patient but eventually I became quite frustrated!

Still we did have some good conversations at work. Politics are big there. I'd say most of us are leaning toward the liberal side. I think I spoke for us all when I said

Well I probably ought to sign off now....am expecting hordes of masked terrorists at my door tonight. I will have to give them certain small packages to keep myself from danger.

But I just want to leave you with one scary thing....it is after all, Halloween....

I hope you all have a safe and a

As for me...I plan to spend a nice quiet evening at home with Mr. Wonderful....

Ask A Streetwalker

There is a new local magazine here in Michiana. Its called Michiana Entertainer (occasionally it has a website called, interesting enough Michianaentertainer.com, but it isn't always up). I don't know.... I started leafing through it and to tell you the truth I was kind of mesmerized in that awful kind of way you are when you see a kid peeing in the parking lot.

What follows, verbatim, is a column, evidently a regular column, written tongue-in-cheek by a local Streetwalker. Not a classy call-girl. I only wish I could link to the site (which is down again). This woman has to be the homeliest streetwalker I've ever seen (and I have seen quite a few in the years I worked for the defense lawyers). She's real though. I've seen her around.

ASK A STREETWALKER...
About responsible sexuality.
By Gavin White

HOOKER: Tina Gropp

AGE: 52

PIMP: Phineas "Milk Money" Walker

NICKNAME: A.T.M.

TASTES LIKE: an old tennis ball at the dog park

Jody a H.S. Counselor from Niles asks:
Do you think birth control pills would be more effective if women took more time to read the directions and then followed them word for word?

SW: Bitch, are you crazy?!? You got any idea what my pimp would do to me if he caught me trying to read?!? Shit, he'd choke me so hard, my tongue stud would pop outta my mouth.

_______________________________________________________

Philip, an engineer from Elkhart asks:
Doesn't it make you sick when pregnant teenagers ignore their responsibilities and continue to live their lives like nothing happened?

SW: What?! Are you gonna tell me my great granddaughter, Diamonique, can't go to a rave just because she's seven months pregnant with twins?!? Shit, as long as she ain't driving, I don't see nothing wrong with it!

________________________________________________________

Rachel, an office manager from South Bend
asks: My boyfriend and I have always been careful, but last month we had a really bad pregnancy scare. What are we doing wrong?

SW: I only got one thing to say to that: There ain't no such thing as "butt babies," honey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok...I admit it. I laughed like crazy over this until it occurred to me that I picked this up at a regular coffee shop. Its free. Any kid can get this magazine.

Now I realize that mostly teens would be the ones grabbing it. I realize they probably make jokes like this between themselves.

I was a bad-ass teen myself once....

Still it somehow bothers me that they can get this type of magazine.

Its like sex....yeah some of them are doing it before they get out of High School. I still don't think they should be able to rent X rated movies.

10 minute time capsule

I have 10 minutes to write.

Today has been hectic. I'm working a lot trying to get my office to run smoothly. Yeah it wasn't in standardized format before...but I'm working on it...working on it.

End of Quarter so there was a lot to do today just in accounting. I also have to create some new forms and a bunch of filing (which I brought home together with several alpha sorters) I measured the stack of paper I have to sort through....nearly a foot high. That is what I will begin in 10 minutes. I'll be working until midnight again....that is after the 10 hours I did today.

I gave Dizzy her bath. She seems much happier now... Baths do not please her though, so she is a little miffed at me...giving me those crazy dirty looks of hers. I prefer her smiles.

The camera seems to have started working again all on its own. I suspect my son got some moisture in the battery casing and now its dried out. Yay! Photos of the DAWG soon. Maybe even a movie.

BF has been truly supportive but I turned down his offer of help tonight (yep he was even willing to wash my dog and help with housework). I worked too late and I knew he had to be in at 7 am. I can't believe I was so unselfish. I really need a hand right now.

I haven't finished my story for the tribune yet. I'm hoping tomorrow. I'll probably post it in Blessed are the Meek since I've already posted a similar story here.

Walter broke up with his GF (that was a sigh of relief you heard). She cheated on him. He's not having much luck with fidelity. What the hell is wrong with kids these days? He's taking it well.

Still bummed about politics.

Ate too much junk food and now my tummy hurts.

::::Sigh::: 10 minutes goes fast.

Later....

This and That

I had a new commenter on my blog, like always I checked out her web site.... Miss Alaineus alemanac. Its some hilarious ranting!!! Check it out. I loved her profile too.

I like this new follower thing on blogger. Maybe it isn't new to y'all but I've been MIA for a while so I am just getting started on it. So now I am going to go blog to blog and start adding everyone that way and maybe do away with that sidebar list eventually, especially since aol is giving up the ship.

I've remained appalled all weekend about the deficit. I think I have another editorial coming.

ND lost. I hate when they lose. Its not that I am such a big football follower or fan. I like it, but its not my life. What no one realizes is that when a city like South Bend, is built completely around a College like Notre Dame.... one bad season (like last year's) affects our economy in a dangerous way. People lose jobs, they move or quit spending, then there are less dollars going out and more people lose jobs....etc. etc..... We depend way too much on Notre Dame football around here and the college as a whole. We need to become more like other cities. Develop something more than a tourist trade, like our neighboring city, Elkhart, did with RV manufacturing.

Yeah, I'm starting to become interested in our local political scene.

I think I might have to join some associations or something.

Everywhere I look I remember what it was like when I was growing up here. I remember walking the streets unafraid in the so called worst neighborhoods in the middle of the night.

I remember the school actually working with my parents to help keep me on track.

I don't remember any of the stupid rules they now have in effect to curb the individuality of young people.

I remember active parks and recreation.

I remember the library being a welcoming venue for children.

I remember policemen who knew my name.

Our city tax percentage was not nearly as high as it is now. County tax didnt' exist.

I want to know what happened. Why it happened and What we can do to make it go back to how it was.

One of these days I hope to have grandchildren raised here. I want them to live in my world....not the one that is scaring us all so much now.

Celia has a job. The pay is too low but the opportunities for advancement and more pay are there. I feel bad for young adults these days. When I was her age I was given multiple opportunities to advance within companies. (Mostly I blew them). If I said I could do something that was enough, I didn't need numerous degrees in nose blowing or carpet picking. I was given the chance to prove myself. In addition to Celia's high-school training, she worked with me in the office often. She was taught and did very well at all things administrative. She understands scheduling, purchasing, document preparation, etc. etc... Because of the state of our schools here, no one wants to hire public school graduates for anything where real skill is required. It seems unfair. Her parents could not afford private school so I supplimented her education with my own version of home-school. I brought her to work with me often. I even taught her how to build a computer from scratch. Unfortunately I cannot give her a certificate or degree. She's luckier than some though. She has a job that will finally allow her to prove herself and her abilities. Not all these young adults even get that. I worry a little for my daughter, but not much. Her employers are getting a steal. If they are smart they will realize her value pretty quickly.

I haven't talked with my oldest son this weekend yet. I hope to soon though. He's still a bit of a hermit but he does make time for me when I call him. He's a good son, just kind of a loner.

Walter's love life is a soap opera. I have my misgivings about this girl, though she seems nice enough...I just don't know. She's stirring up his emotions and I worry. I try to give him perspective on it every chance he gives me. I tell him gently that some people break up and never get back together but sometimes over doesn't mean over (my brother married the woman he started dating at 14 years old and they are still together, though high-school found them splitting up a time or two). I don't want him to be crushed if (when) this girl breaks it off. I want him to have some hope until some other girl can help him forget.

The BF has been here most of the weekend. He does my BBQs for me. The guy can sleep in the oddest spots. Last night he fell asleep in the lawn chair while slow grilling the pork shops outside. Cracks me up. I am never able to relax that much. Its impressive. He also programmed the universal remote for the television. I fail to understand why I can't figure out remotes. I can tear apart a regular computer, reload it and make it bionic but a remote control just pisses me off. I don't have that kind of patience.

My dog was brilliant but now she has been having attacks of stupidity. She seems to have forgotten all about being housebroken. I have to shampoo the carpet AGAIN. Not the whole thing but her fave areas. She still has fetch, sit pretty, go lay down and gimme a kiss down so at least she's still cute. I know I shouldn't complain, she is only 4 months old, well not quite, but still.....She's not real bad at chewing things. She mostly sticks to her toys so that is good. She has a toybox that would rival some two-year old babies though. The BF is going to flea treat my yard today. I have to give Dizzy another flea bath already (gave her one a week ago). We flea bombed the house so the things don't live long once she is inside but I can't keep her inside all the time and she gets them whenever we go outside. So here we go again.\

The BF says he likes salisbury steak. We were talking about favorite foods. BUT he has never had real salisbury steak. Only those frozen dinner types. He is in for a treat. I am making salsibury steak tonight. I make it really good too. If I could write a recipe I would give it to y'all. Basically though the trick is you make meatloaf...the kind where you use bread crumbs not the oatmeal or rice types and only use good grade hamburger, like 90% lean (I like to add finely chopped onions and sometimes green pepper, to mine as well). You make them into small hand sized loafs (about 1/4 each) and bake them at 350 for about a half hour or 45 minutes in a large sheet pan (with sides). Then you use the actual pan dripping grease (no this is not low cal....its southern) as your gravy base. You seriously brown (not golden....nope toast it) the flour in this grease in a large heavy skillet and use 1/2 heated milk and 1/2 hot water to liquify it. Use lots of pepper and for goodness sake...don't make it thin. This is hearty food for hearty men. Serve it with lumpy mashed potatoes (nope instant just won't do) and a dark green vegetable. I am also serving sauted portabellos. He's been working hard for me, he's earned those portabellos!

and that is my weekend in review.

My week in review.....ramblings....

I'm not writing as much as I intend to. Hopefully I will be able to get into a daily routine again soon.... You remember, like way back when AOL first opened the blogportals to people like me and many of you...(Rest in peace AOL Journals). Storms Whisper and Oceans Scream was the original title. I just got tired of screaming and made a somewhat gentler version here after all my bitching and moaning about the ads on aol made no difference at all. Sometimes ads have still made an appearance here and there on my site as I tried google adwords (and etc.) but I just wasn't that interested in making a profit on my writing or in writing about subjects that would stir up readership. I have always written to share my heart with others. I write for the love of it. From time to time I have a thought that slips out of my head, or a cause I want to push....but mostly it is about making the world, my world, into a bigger place in a smaller space. More love, more people, no travel.

I keep saying I'm going to quit being so personal....the whole problem is that writing is personal to me.

These are not essays, they are letters. My oversized ego thinks that if St. Paul could have reached out in this way we'd have a book in the bible called Blogosphere, placed ever so diplomatically between II Corinthians and Ephesians....... Full of encouragement in the face of phishing and dire warnings not to get involved in cyber-sex. (side bar into a small wondering....what would Paul have thought of the internet???????........)

Maybe I'm not Paul but I think in my own way, I feel, and I am sure most of you feel, the need to reach out to others nearly as greatly as he did. Maybe we don't have to introduce God into the lives of others....but I kind of think we are here for the purpose of showing that people are still good...at least most of us are. That is important today. In the news all we hear about is corruption, actions that defile humanity and selfish actions.... Here we all take the time to reach out and share ourselves and our normal lives.

So end of that ramble and onto the next one....my normal & sometimes odd life....

This week has kept me wakeful more often than not....averaging about 4 hours of sleep a night. Bringing work home, worrying about various deadlines. There are big changes about to happen where I work and some that already have. Restructuring, rebuilding. I am not worried about job security and feel that the upcoming changes will be good for me. Many of the job descriptions will change and so will our positions. I know that I am going to have some added and removed job responsibilities. I can't say much else in this public forum. I know some of the plan. While I am not happy about every detail, those are not my decisions to make. Overall I think that the hotel is once again going to be 1st choice in the area. Maybe we will even gain a star or two. No one noticed the management watching us, detailing our skills and natural abilities. We are going to fit our newly rewritten job descriptions better than I've ever had in any previous employment.

I remember when our GM first came into the picture. Nobody liked the removal of casual uniforms and appearance. Being told to straighten our posture!!!! Did she think she was our mother? (well more like my big sister, but I work with a lot of young people). Yes, she did. I took a front desk job so I could goof-off. When she came into the picture, she reread all our resumes and applications I guess. I was the first target. OMG. She knew me without knowing me and now I find myself in the back office *handling* stuff. Troubleshooting and organizing. Right now it is technically accounting....but my job reaches much much further and so do my future responsibilities (and my job title is ever-changing too). I still remember her telling me that OK, now I had taken a few months to goof off, it was time to get back to work...and she put me back to work. Several involuntary promotions in the past year later, I find myself trepidatiously looking forward to the next changes she intends to put into play and wondering if I can live up to her high opinion of my skills and intellect. I want to. My lacking education scares the bejesus out of me sometimes though. She hasn't made any major mistakes though and so far, I think she sometimes knows me better than I know me. Wish me luck!

I am still working on organizing (anal---izing) my life into some semblance of order and remembrance. So far every move in that direction seems to improve my quality of life. As a person with autistic tendencies, organization, rules and regulations matter tremendously to me, amazingly enough though, I am messy. It is a constant struggle. I'm getting in the habit again of cleaning like a crazy person at least one day on the weekend and keeping the mess limited throughout the week. Its helping. Things are slowly but surely getting organized. It feels good.

As far as my new BF goes....For those of you with questions.....I don't want to get too wrapped up in the romantic stuff being blasted to the world yet. He's a nicer guy than I sometimes deserve. He has a bad past that he is working hard to rectify. Like I can talk. He spends every weekend with me. He has 3 boys aged 16 to 24. I've been more successful with my kids than he was with his. I didn't have the interference of a new age parent though. The boys are good people though with some of their father's sweetness. My S.O. wishes that he had someone to back him up with the rules though...maybe his boys would have gone further then. Its not too late yet and his youngest is going to Chef School. Youngest should still be in high school, but at least he is doing something to better his chances at success in life. A good Chef can do pretty well too. Back to new BF. We are both alike and different. He is blown away when I think too many deep thoughts. He doesn't *get* computers really. He can use them, but he is a simple guy. To him a computer is like a blow dryer. You don't *play* on it. He doesn't know people he hasn't met. He doesn't quite *get* that either. He fixes stuff. He watches TV. He loves dogs and children. He rides his bike often. He reads voraciously. He is employed by the engineering department where I work. We have lunch together daily. Yes sometimes he takes directives from me, that's our jobs. He doesn't have an attitude about it. I don't single him out. Work is work, life is life. We don't let the two interfere with each other as much as possible. I met him since November. Liked him as a casual friend since December. I started dating him cautiously at the end of June. By July we were only dating each other. I am the first girl he's dated in 12 years, since his divorce. He still lives with his X though, so he can live with his sons and influence them too (xwife dates all the time....all casual...FWB type). I like her but we are night and day I think. Looks, lifestyle and personality. Its a somewhat strained relationship between them but you have to give the couple kudos for thinking of their children's best interests. I have no idea how they ever were together and he'd probably think the same thing about Walter's father. In all the good ways he reminds me a bit of Bo (Rich and Celia's father and my first and longest marriage)....only way way way smarter and classier. He tells a good joke but he isn't obscene. He's far from perfect. He likes tv way too much. Sometimes he is just *too* nice. He isn't the ambitious type at all. But then again....we all know what a pain in the ass I can be too. So lets all just wait and see. The BF isn't a secret but he isn't my whole life.....I'm not going to do that to any man or myself again. Its not fair to either of us. I will write about what is happening sometimes...but not all the time. If anything big happens or our status changes I will probably write about that too.....but for now, things are more than casual but we are still just dating exclusively.

Walter and his gf are going to a dance tonight. He is the grim reaper and she is the dead bride. He gave her an ankle bracelet last week. She wears it all the time. This is his first love. Probably not hers, but she seems nice from what I can see. I pray she doesn't break his heart. She is a beauty! She looks like she could be on a television soap opera as the diva's daughter.... Not that I don't think my son is worthy, but I understand the envious looks his friends are giving him. All I can think is that she is a pretty good person not to let the facts that Walter isn't as popular as she is, as cute as she can get, or rich affect her interest in him. She must like him for who he is and that gives me a certain amount of comfort. She seems to live under similar house rules too. I may not be displaced yet but I don't think I'm the apple of my son's eye any more....LOL

I probably won't write much this weekend....I have work work and housework to catch up on. I'm supposed to finish writing a story for the tribune about my sister's Cherokee Wedding too. I'm going to try and at least call my older children and catch up with them too. The weather here is beautiful....like Indian Summer. Most of all I want to take a little time to enjoy life this weekend with Walter and my S.O.....not to mention my silly dog.

Ya'll have happy days wherever you are....

Hi Everyone,

Well I was checking up on my kid's internet usage as I do from time to time and I stole some of his videos. 2 of him skateboarding and one of the drama king's woes about his drowned skateboard. Thought you might enjoy them so I am posting them. I almost posted one of him being all appalled but decided against it...he was advocating violence against an 8 year kid *whup hiz azz!* was the exact quote. This from the kid who thinks being grounded for a day is way too harsh. He wouldn't know a real spanking unless it actually hit him. ROFLMAO. I understand why he was appalled though.. the 8-year old kid evidently expressed no remorse after stealing his grandmother's car for a joy ride and nearly striking some pedestrians with it. Still I was kind of appalled by my baby's budding language skills and propensity toward violent retribution. I'll explain to him later that kind of discipline won't work. It was the discipline the 8-year old should have had at 5 years old (as in *no means no*) that the kid missed out on. Then I will probably threaten Walter's youtube account for the language transgression. No doubt he will think I am being incredibly harsh. If he video blogs about me I will upload that too ROFLMAO.

Well here are the videos:

Board slide!!!!!

I forget what this trick is called.... cool though!

He's soooooo serious. Where did that deep voice come from?

I have to go pick him up from the skatepark in a half hour. No videos from tonight... still no working camera.

For those of you who wonder where all my *good writing* has gone, I've been putting most of it in http://blessedarethemeekimgoingtohell.blogspot.com/ for about the last 6 months. Stop by sometime.

Y'all have a great weekend!

Like that proverbial bad penny....back again!

I'm feeling a prolific update coming on.....

I'm not dead. YAY! If you read my other blog you would have seen that I made a few postings there over my extended Summer break.

I was hoping to do this via video report but my son accidentally broke my digital camera. I'm going to try to fix it....LOL...but not today. If I can't I will probably buy another towards my birthday. In the meantime I may try to figure out how to use the video cam thingy I already have for my computer. I don't have the speaker/headphone thing anymore (though they are cheap enough I could get one), but I do have a microphone. I just need to get some double-faced tape to stabelize the camera. So don't be surprised if you find a video blog from me here in the near future.

Walter is doing much much better. High School is good for him. I knew it would be. He was too cool for the kids in grade school. He was a teenager when he was 8. Unfortunately he is dating a Senior. I don't know if I like the idea of him dating a girl so much older (he's 15, she's 18). Luckily neither of them can drive so they are limited in what they can do together. Another Mr. Studly. My boys are too hot for my good. Still she seems like a nice girl and both of them are attending school with an eye toward higher education and they seem to share morals. My hair is greyer every day.

We ended up not moving. I decided to kind of fix up this place a bit and stick around. Long story there. Its actually coming along nicely. I intend to do some more fixing up too, so I won't be blogging as much as I like for a while yet, but I should be able to do better.

The neighborhood's changed for the better recently. People moved out, better people moved in. Even my next door neighbors decided to stay. I've been busy trying to make friends and get to know my neighbors. Its really working out.

I'm driving again but still trying to keep it to a minimum because my front tires are still bald and that pesky engine light comes on and off. Its an oxygen sensor but I can't afford to have it fixed right now. Winter's coming on. Not only do I have to pay a gas bill soon but I have to come up with another $300 dollar deposit to get it on. (I turned it off and took my money when I thought I was going to move somewhere heat was included).

I've been dating and for the past couple of months I've been dating one guy in particular from work but I am going to have to break it off soon. Its a tricky situation. I should have never dated a man from work....never before and never again....but how do I gracefully extracate myself from this awkward position? My managers are thrilled with this romance but they don't know certain things about him that I do (and that make him completely unsuitable for me and my kid) and I don't want to tell why I am breaking things off with him. Advice please.

Work....OMG I have been busy. I'm looking real good though and so are the books. We are at 85% of bills being current and not delinquent. For those of you that don't the math that means only 15% are delinquent and only half of those are over 90 days. When I started the position it was almost 40/60. I'm kicking ass. Some days I hate it and I get so frustrated with being called off the accounts to fix computers or help out at the desk but its getting better all the time. I might be working myself out of a job though. With the books in order it will make it easier to sell the hotel and that could leave me unemployed. I figure it will all look good on a resume though.

I'm even considering putting my resume out there. Its not that I don't love my job, but it doesn't hurt to stir the pot a bit. I've made it through my first year now, so I could do it without looking bad.

If I have time for it, I will post some pictures from my sisters wedding tonight. Maybe a pic of my new puppy (Did I mention my baby?), Dizzy. She's adorable but a handful!

Summer stories to come in the next few entries......

How is everyone?

Sometimes I don't think I know what the Hell I want

but the scary thing is.... I probably know exactly what I want.

I'm going against my gut in so many areas right now. I keep trying to do the right things, the best things. I'm succeeding in just about every area of my life, at least by everyone else's standards but mine. Maybe I am one of those awful people who can't be happy.

I love where I work. I used to love my job, but these promotions they have been giving me are sucking the joy right out of it. Suddenly I am no longer one of the "gang". I'm also forced into a position I don't really want to be in. It feels like I am being groomed to replace someone I'd like to consider a friend. The job is taking up a lot of my time at work and at home. More than I ever planned to give to a job again. I could deal with 40 hours but its not. Its 30 hours (or more if I want) at work and then all the studying and stress and sleepless nights at home worrying about it. I applied for the relatively easy pee-on type job of Front Desk. Not manager, not accounting, not anything else. That is the job I originally accepted. I know I can do the job they have now placed me in. I'm evidently doing it better than everyone else who's had it up to now. People who were more experienced and better educated than I. I should be pleased as punch and proud to boot. There's no satisfaction in it though.

I keep telling myself to "give it time" "don't be stupid" "great opportunity" but I miss having friends and chatting up the guests. I miss coming home all happy from the fun I had at work and wanting more with Walter. I miss the energy that gave me. Now I'm coming home stressed and cranky. Worried about tomorrow. I don't think I am really cut out emotionally for management even if I seem to be good at it. Its taking a hell of a toll on me. Poor Walter! I can't even manage to keep the house up, I never feel like cooking anymore and all I want when I get home is quiet time. I think that will ease up after a couple of months...but my ego is whipped right now nonetheless.

I don't seem to be doing well at all on stopping smoking. I suck at it actually. I don't think I really want to as much as I am trying to convince myself. Part of me likes the defiance too much, plus I really like it. No getting around that right now. I don't have many vices, but this is a major one. I know its bad for me. I know I should want to quit. I watched my cousin die from lung cancer. Scare tactics don't work well on me, besides right now the depressed part of me is liking the damage I think. I don't literally cut my flesh....but I do hurt myself.

I wish I could find that state of mind I was in a few years back. I almost did it for good that time. Nearly a whole year! I love as much as I hate about it. I need to find a way to make the scale less even. I don't smoke much around S2 because he hates that I smoke, but frankly I'm not sure I will show him the absolute courtesy I usually do when he comes by tonight. I have an attitude.

I don't mean too but its like I am feeling tough and mean and ready to take on the world if I get one more rule thrust at me. I had hope that his masculinity would tame me a bit and I would listen to him and get all feminine and stuff...doesn't seem to be working out that way. Not his fault. He really is a dream-boat. Something is wrong with me I think. The only men I've ever listened to when I had an attitude were my Grandpa and my first husband. My Grandpa was the strongest man I ever knew and Bo....well Bo probably knew me better than anyone, he tried hard to tame me but in the end it was me who drove him over the edge. He never took my BS though....gotta give credit where credit is due.

And S2...well he is another reason I am beating myself up. I am always fine when he is here, happy to see him and totally devoted to him by the time he leaves. But by the time a week is over without him here, I am chomping at the bit and asking myself why I am involved with him.

Now its been two weeks and I'm really trying to make an effort but failing. Our lives seem so far apart and our attitudes so different. We do have *something", but its only passionate 2 days out of the week. I wonder if its going to be strong enough to test the strands of time and distance. I've promised to get my car fixed and start driving there to see him but to me that is terrifying.

My car isn't great, in fact its pretty unreliable and unlike him I don't make 6 digits or very nearly annually. I can't afford to worry about it so much when I can mostly walk everywhere I need to be. I have a kid that lives with me 24/7 and all you parents know how much that costs. I also have less time than he does whether or not he sees it. Then I tell myself I am a fool for not wanting to put out more effort. Here I have this tall handsome man who is apparently in-love with me, he's successful and quite a wonderful, sensitive and caring man. Absense should be making my heart grow fonder not making my feet itch. I absolutely adore his youngest child too. It would be great to be part of that child's life.

The problem is I don't like not having a man around. I am one of *those* women who feel incomplete without a man. I don't care if its not PC these days. I wasn't raised to change my own oil and frankly, I have little desire to learn unless some man is by my side teaching me all he knows about cars so we can spend more time together. I'd rather pay the $35 and get it changed at the station....but even more I'd rather spend the $35 doing something special for the man who does it for me because he loves me (even if he just takes it to the station). I want that kind of normal in the worst way. Why do I keep falling into these long distance relationships? I'm starting to develop a pattern.

Am I not as over the distrust thing as I tell myself I am? I feel like I sabotage myself. True enough S2 is really every woman's dream. He's close to being mine. All it would take is a few more bleeding knuckles (little more machismo) and about 70 less miles.

The problem is I don't want to move there. I don't. I love this town as much as I hate it sometimes. Its my home. Except for 6 misspent years in Stepford, I've lived in it all my life. I'll probably die here too. Hell in my death instructions to my daughter I have asked her to go to the rooftop of the tallest building in town (currently the one I work in) and scatter my ashes to the 4 winds because that is probably all the traveling I will ever do. It was meant seriously, but tongue in cheek (I would like to travel but I always planned on coming home).

Even if I was willing to move it would still be 4 more years because I am not going to move Walter out of this town during his High School years. Stability. Not to mention, it isn't what S2 wants either.

He holds out the promise of one year to me like a turkey on a platter. Provided we last that long he says. "If we stay together a year". I respond the way he wants me to, even though I am not feeling it after 2 days. Part of me is insulted. Men fall at my feet. How does he not realize this? I kick them aside and go after the ones who don't. If that was the be-all and end-all of my life I could live with any number of guys right now. Today.

Its not that great of an offer. He's saying to me "If you love me for one year and I don't find you to be a total pain in the ass and think we can be together for more than 2 days a week then I will give you the unsurpassed honor of quitting your job, leaving all your family and friends, uprooting your child and moving to a strange city where you know not one person so you can find another job and you and your child can start your life all over again in my house."

Helluva offer. Not that I have any feelings left for Bo, but let me tell you he knew he wanted me when he was 6 years old and I spurned him the first time. Most of the other men I've been with or even just dated (at least 90% of them) have pretty much acted the same. I am used to being the unsurpassed honor, being the one chased and I like it that way.

Right now this relationship seems to take a lot of work. Maybe its wrong to expect a good relationship to be effortless, but it shouldn't be stressful or feel like work either. So I am back to wondering what kind of game I am playing at. I don't even know if its fair for me to go on with this relationship. I don't want to break it off though. I want to love Scott. I believe he loves me. I also hate dating. I want to believe we can work things out because when we are together its magical. It just doesn't hold up to well Monday through Friday.

Know what would be perfect for me? To fall in love with the guy next door. Except there is no guy next door (not one where I am moving either).

Moving....there's another problem...not much better off than I was the last time I wrote. I have to quit procrastinating. I have to pull myself out of this funk and get my laundry caught up, my house cleaned up, and my shit boxed up. I need a drill sargeant I think. I have no ambition lately. I need more music and less attitude probably.

So on that note I am going to sign out and clean up this mess so S2 doesn't know how I've really been living. Yeah it still matters even with my relationship doubts. Hopefully he will come late enough that I can finish a rudimentary clean job, get a shower and catch up on your blogs before he gets here. He didn't sound really that enthusiastic about it so maybe....

Feeling better all of the time

Hey!

Walter is graduating the 8th grade today and tomorrow he turns 15. He is stoked. I took the day off for celebrating.

I made a new office for *B* (our accountant) and me. He is gonna be pissed. He looks and acts like Mr. Mooney on the old Lucy show. Well he's taller. I actually like him a lot but suspect he has the same type of autism as my boys and let me tell you he will not appreciate my efforts! However I was under direct orders from Sue who thinks sharing an office with me will help him do his job better. I seem to be very good at keeping him on task. I'm not quite finished but it will be nice...if tiny...when I am all done.

S2 and I seem to be back on track...I'm glad I didn't do anything catastrophic. I don't want to blow this up if there is even half a chance of it going the distance. He is the most complex man I've ever known and he interests me beyond normal. He thinks all the time. ALL the time.

I get that.

Maybe we can wait out/work out this time/distance thing. He's so good to me... I had the blues and was bitching at him and attacking him for my annoyances and he just decided to drive over and be with me (and I wasn't even complaining about that). I know it is a strain on his wallet with his daughter's prom and graduation and all that goes with that plus other recent expenses...and he hasn't really had sleep in a month...but I needed him and next thing I know he was here. How many men put a woman above money and sleep?

I really need to work on being nicer. He calmed me down just by being here. He keeps offering to help me pack up this disaster of a house. He put the plates on my car and says that once we find out what is wrong with it he will try to fix it for me....not offering to pay for it to be fixed (though he probably would if he thought I would accept but he knows better). He will get his hands dirty for me. Bless his way too far away heart. He gets me too most of the time.

I think I am going to buy myself some new makeup today....maybe I will ACTUALLY throw out the old stuff! Am I the only one who never does that?

Have a great day everyone!

Just another crazy day!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! My son is having dinner with his girlfriend and her family....OMFG!!! First he gets a girlfriend then he is willing to spend his money (trust me Walter never spends HIS money when he can spend mine) treating his girl to sodas....he's waiting by the freaking phone....and now this!!!!

ROFLMAO....OK OK....I'm kinda sorta coping. It is absolutely adorable and I am happy he's happy. I still want my baby back....the only thing that would make me feel better is for my daughter to call me up and tell me she's going to deliver me a new baby....dern her responsibility!

I've been doing well these days. Getting on with life and flirting outrageously. Not dating yet. Being careful. Enjoying life a lot.

I've been writing and working on my other blog a bit...its mostly re-posts right now...but it will be where I keep my real essay writing since I can't seem to stop myself from going knee deep into the personal in this blog. Not that the new one isn't personal...just more applicable to others.

Next thing is to do a new poetry page.

At work, I sort of let it slip that I may be looking for another job, sheesh....I only wanted to let the Manager I do like understand my position so that we can stay friends after and now she wants to move me strictly back office and was willing to adjust my hours like crazy... I dunno...I am still pretty ticked about what happened with Celia...but I'm going to play it by ear a bit. It is good experience.

My little sister had her civil marriage today! Rhonda has never had much joy in her life and has always selflessly sought to bring it to others. I think it's finally her turn.

We are still having a *rerun* wedding and hogroast reception though!

This is how it stands at this point:

Little Miss Prissy and Hubby, Leather Jacket Hard Core Harley Dude will have the marriage blessed in the church. Rhonda will be wearing cream lace, Dave his biker leathers. Then we return to their home for the Native American ceremony. Rhonda will change into authentic (but imho hideously ugly unless we can find a way to fix it and still keep the authenticity intact) Cherokee wedding dress. Her blonde hair and fair skin will no doubt look like a halo about her. Dave will be wearing his biker leathers (YOU GO DAVE!!!! Don't let our crazy Mama intimidate you!) Then of course the HOG ROAST reception with the addition of a Polish potluck wedding dinner (which you know I will be helping to cook). There will be a rock band and dj'd music. Rhonda is planning white table cloths with lace over the pic-nic tables and area tables, flowered centerpieces and various temporary landscaping. She wants a lot of ribbons and bows.

Does anyone know where I can find miniature harleys for the centerpieces? I truly think it would be the finishing touch!

OMG I can't wait!

Where oh where is my little boy?

I have a sleep headache. Its that kind you get when you haven't been sleeping and catch up all at once. Other than that I'm feeling pretty good.

I took Walter skating yesterday...I wish I would have remembered the camera! I didn't watch all of it (y'all know it scares me to watch), but he is getting very impressive these days. Talk abounds about him getting sponsored soon.

He's already begun losing his Winter-weight. As you know he is also attracting a lot of female attention.

The PYT's don't bother me so much....its the older girls I want to slap! Some of these women are in thier 20's and 30's that have begun oggling my baby! I'm thinking *Over YOUR dead body Bitch!*.

After what I seen yesterday, I'm glad he's got himself a girlfriend. That puts him off limits and he is much too old fashioned and too much of a gentleman to cheat on his girlfriend. Since she is as innocent and sweet as he is, it is much better this way. I saw the light of corruption in the eyes of a couple of those bimbettes. I am going to bake Danielle some cookies. Maybe I will take her and Walter to the library or to go swimming at the hotel.

I know he looks older, he's kind of tall, naturally muscular and with that mustache and the beginnings of a beard, but sheesh! I have to get my brother over here to teach this kid how to shave.

I wonder if he would wear a shirt that said *Hey I'm still a kid!*

I'll get a recent picture of him up here soon and y'all can tell me how to make this kid look younger.

Here's one from a year ago:

It's the jaw line isn't it?

Where is that little boy I keep looking for?

He looks like this:



If you see him, Tell him his mama is looking for him!

But he was supposed to stay 4 years old forever....

The 'hood has been quiet since that incident. Walter told me today that I can't make him stay in the house. He will go out when I'm gone.

He feels like a prisoner and he can defend himself he says.

GEEEEEEEZ......

He is, and no he can't, not against guns and knives. But he's right. Nothing I can do. He'll be careful and be inside before dark.

Why his sudden defiance? Well its really not so sudden, but usually when I put my foot down, he doesn't outright defy me, he doesn't act all manly, just resigned and petulant. He respects my right to make the decisions.

He is questioning my reasoning and authority.

My kid..... Even annoyed at him I know where it comes from. I know he means it. He is thinking clearly. He refuses to give in to fear.

He's got a girlfriend. He told me yesterday. He asked permission to give her our phone number.

GEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZ.......

I'm not ready for this.

He's my baby. Now he's acting like a guy of all things!

He's almost 15 years old. A little chunky but mostly muscle. He's handsome as the devil in blue jeans, just like my Dad and Grandfather were. I guess I should have known it had to happen pretty soon.

I'm grateful that he's moral and good. He's a gentleman. He is planning to go over and meet little Miss Danielle's parents to make sure its ok for him to hang out with their daughter...OMG, he is sooooooooo old fashioned. He's planning on asking permission to court her in essence.

I know I'm a lucky Mom....but I don't feel so lucky right now. My baby is growing up so fast and his blasted siblings still haven't provided me with a child to hold and cuddle.

He needs to shave. I don't even know how to teach him.

I know that I did and am doing exactly what I was supposed to do with that nearly blue baby I gave birth to all those years ago. I did well, I took a helpless baby boy and turned him into a man who doesn't need me to hold him anymore.

What else could I do?

We worked out the terms, negotiated and compromised. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do....Mom's just gotta deal with it.

I love the man he is becoming but I still want my baby back.

Just a Quick One...

Hey everyone

I've been trying to write something substantial like Lisa has recently...but I am so wrapped up in my love and family lives that I only have bits and pieces put together.... I need to be baking cookies right now because I want to send some home with Scott for his kids, I am giving some to Celia, Billy and their friend for putting tires on my car this weekend and I promised some to a person I know who is working hard to get Celia and Billy a job with a major airline. Serious advancement opportunities!

So I'm not slacking here....just have my priorities right and they are all due about right now.

Today was a great day.... Walter is in a great mood and working hard to control his emotions, and he has been making a concentrated effort on his school work....I am soooooooo proud of my kid for his efforts....Then I was so good at work... It was a good thing because the General Manager is shadowing us. I made not less than 12 priority club memberships while taking reservations. Damn I am sooooooooo good!

:;:sigh::: life is good.

Well I lest my newly found joy bore you all to death.....Lisa is doing some real thinking these days....Go visit her here.

My Heaven

This to me is heaven. I have 3 wonderful children. Children that I don't only love but I like. The big bonus? I have 3 wonderful, completely different children who not only love each other....but like each other and hang out together! This is heaven....to watch them like this from the corner of the room....to see them show their love and respect to and for each other. Its the only Christmas present I will ever need. Heaven....

The Beast and me....

This is Walter....he's just a tiny bit rowdy. He keeps me on my toes when he's not knocking me off my feet. 14 years old and pure energy! People have commented on how almost all my photos I'm laughing out loud.... He's most of the reason!

My baby girl and me...

This is Celia, she's 23 and still a newly wed. ....she really likes me she just wouldn't smile for this shot... She's ornery like that....grinning pictures of her later.... Isn't she a beauty? She doesn't believe me. Not one bit of makeup on this perfect face of hers....she wakes up like this. Her hair is as silky as it looks.... Her real beauty though is all inside.....Best daughter ever!

My eldest & me

This is Richard. He's mine. Guess there's no denying it huh? 26 year old single male to all the young ladies out there. As you can see, he's handsome and built with bricks! How did he grow up so fast? Where is my baby?