Dancing with Murphy all week

Thank God Its Friday!!!!

I have worked overtime every day this week (next week will be more of the same). My kid has been difficult. My house is hot and a mess to boot. I'm smoking too much. I have been eating PB sandwiches all week (well except Monday) because I am too tired to cook/the house is too hot to cook in and I don't like hot pockets (thank God Walter loves them). Lots of employees sick or on vacation. No time for visiting with those who are here. I am busy covering spots on top of my already overloaded plate. I guess I probably don't need to mention that I haven't studied, haven't packed, and still haven't finished that IH6.

Yesterday my landlord hassled me to clean up his other tenants mess. No freaking way.

Today S2 and I broke up. One of us probably had to do it. Sometimes wanting a love just isn't enough. I was trying to figure out a way to *make* it work, because honestly he is a perfectly wonderful man, but I have too much stress on me right now to think clearly. Too many pressures this week to spare more than a few minutes a day on a relationship. I'm not sure there is a way anyhow....Kind of kills my whole *where there's a will there's a way* theory. Some mountains just can't be budged.

I took it pretty hard for about 15 minutes then exhaustion overcame me and I just layed on the sofa, stared at the ceiling and crashed. I slept about 3 hours. I needed the healing that comes from sleep. Not that I am happy about this turn of events, but I accept it. I have no anger towards him though as always I wish I did. Anger I can deal with. Disappointment, not so much.

I did get the feeling he thought I may have been unfair to him in this blog. To set the record straight..... I was NOT used in any way, shape or form. He showed me the utmost respect. Showered me with love and affection. He was good and kind towards my son. He's a good man and lots of women would be completely content with him.

Its just really hard to build a real relationship when you can't be involved in each other's lives. I have resolved to NEVER date a man that lives outside my county and I am going to heavily screen any man who lives outside my city.

The truth is, I don't just suck at marriage, I suck at any relationship if we aren't spending any real time together. I don't think I require more time than most women who are coupled up. I don't require doting, but I do like doing things together and hanging out. I am not independent enough to enjoy my own solitude. I need people, including the man in my life, around me once in a while. I am very social and I like interacting. Even my career choices reflect this. I also like a lot of spur-of-the moment activities. Not a big consideration when your man lives a few minutes away, when he lives hours away, well sponteneity takes planning.

S2 also feels that I gave him mixed messages. I dunno maybe he's right. Its kind of a he said/she said situation. Its not the words so much but the assumptions made about what was known at the time and what was actually meant. All in all though, I feel we have been completely honest and open with each other. Besides I confuse myself, no wonder I confuse men. Sometimes things just don't work out. I'm going to leave it at that.

I'm going to miss having him in my life. We intend to still be friends, well at least I think we do. Usually though people just stop communicating.

I went ahead and adjusted my POF profile and put it back online. I don't know why. I really am not interested in dating. Maybe I just want the reassurance that I can if I choose. Those letters are great ego stroking and God knows I could use some. I really don't have time for a relationship right now anyway.

So because I wasted so much time reading and writing and fooling around on the internet (trying to do something mindless because thinking so much is giving me a headache) I've done nothing at all tonight. I think I am going to leave the phone off (i've unplugged it for a couple of days because I haven't been dealing well with these issues) and try to get something done over the weekend if I don't get called in to work.

Guess I will go to bed pretty soon. Tomorrow this week will end and I won't be sorry to see it go.