Life....

I apologize for not writing much...reading and failing to comment. I've been depressed and without health insurance or real resources... I've been having a hard time of it.

I need to get my life in order....I need to forgive myself and others for so many things and so many failures....

I need to regain control of things...but I can't seem to find the reins that control my life. Today is a good day...kind of... sort of.... I've been kind of bitchy but not crying over anything and not really feeling so fake.

That's good right?

As for my life...the kids are all good. I've managed not to take out too much of my moodiness on Walter...sometimes its really hard though. There's no one I can really go to to help me get through this. The only friend I had that I could completely trust with anything and everything has been dead for years.... I was lucky to have her the time I did I guess...

I'm doing well at the job too. Really well. I work myself into this oblivious state while I'm there and almost make my brain a computer of its own. On the plus side I am learning all kinds of new skills and software...and it does kind of make me brain dead by the end of the day. Its easier not to deal with my life and failures that way I guess. Sleep comes in fits and starts. I think I usually get enough though...it just isn't the good kind.

I'm still involved in that psuedo relationship with my roomate. Nonsexual. Maybe I just really need to get laid...maybe I'm that shallow... but its not going to be with him... He's in his own downward mental spiral. He lies about stupid shit. His morals and standards are not nearly as high as mine. He thinks I'm a goody two shoes sometimes. That pretty much sucks. I mean I want to be good but not a goody two shoes y'know? For some reason men think that about me a lot. I abide by the law. I don't do drugs. I don't drink as a rule. I think about right and wrong and sometimes really struggle to make sure I make the right moral decisions. I'm still cool though....really. I can be a badass too. Seriously. I've stood up to murderers, rapists and thieves on several occassions. I've taken down crack dealers. So how does that make me a goody-two shoes? I smoke and sometimes, when my car is running, I'm prone to a heavy foot. Doesn't any man want a middle-of-the-road kind of woman? I'm too angelic for the bad boys and too evil for the good ones... I'm still divided I guess.

The only real working friendship I have is with my boss. No one else really knows everything that is going on in my life. The problem is with my boss, I don't want her to feel bad about my problems with work....she really has been trying to help me along but she doesn't own the joint y'know.

I'm still underpaid for the job I am doing and wondering how I am making ends meet most of the time because I am still not getting the 40 hours I was promised 2 years ago. The thing is my friend and boss really needs me there. She does. She was so close to a break-down a year ago because a lot of the help she has here is inept and frankly many of them are not the brightest. She is understaffed. ......and lets face it...Notre Dame just isn't packing the crowds any more. We just don't have the revenue to sustain shoddy work.

I've done well for her though, I was able to collect 10s of thousands in what was previously considered lost revenue we've managed to hang in there during a couple of really rough patches. I keep waiting for the promotion and raise I've earned now that I have all our receivables at 96% current (from 40% a year ago when I took over). I am still earning a dollar less than I was promised a year ago. It sucks and I can't complain to my friend about it because she feels it as a failure too. I'm not going to ask for it right now because I know the company really can't justify it, despite my performance.

Lord I hope that Obama's policies work.

At any rate I didn't want to drone on and on...I just wanted to reconnect a little and to be honest and tell you that I'm going to be ok in a while....I'm just having a bit of a hard time right now....but improving a little day by day...