Outta Whack. (another prolific update)

Anyone got some whack? I'm out of it.

I think I have that mystery virus again. Might need antibiotics. I'm tired a lot but I can't seem to sleep....I feel run down. Y'all know I normally have the energy of 10 women right? I usually need it. Right now is no exception. I'm trying to get to bed earlier these days. Actually I just gave myself a 10 pm bedtime yesterday....but I'm planning to keep it up until I feel better again.

My job has been consuming me. Eating me alive some days, but I really love the direction it is going so I keep offering it up more bits of myself. Its cutting into the things that should matter more a bit, but I'm doing my best to keep it in check.

I'm learning a lot. I have a lot to learn. Just when you think you know it all.........

One of the young girls here was fired recently. I got the feeling she really didn't see it coming. She was a smart young thing, very attractive and when she wanted to be...very nice. The problem is she didn't often want to be. She would harp on and on about another co-worker's off-the-job irresponsibility day in and day out. The truth of the matter is B (as I will initial her) had a bad habit of moodiness and missing work. It doesn't matter how good you can do your job if you do it with a bad attitude and don't show up half the time. It doesn't matter how well you know the company policies if you offend its customers when you present them. I feel a bit sorry for B. Its got to be a huge blow to her even bigger ego. She won't have a problem getting another job, but until she changes her attitude and attendence problems she will continue to have a difficulty keeping a job. Hopefully this will startle some of the other non compliant employees into looking at themselves as expendable. Maybe they will put their backstabbing knives away and concentrate on productivity instead of office politics for a while. There is always hope.

I was hoping to move out of here at the first of June but at the slow slow rate I am getting things ready to move, it will probably be closer to July. Dammit. I keep trying to start packing but my kids, my career, my long distance boyfriend and my other friends take up all my time. I need to get a plan and stick with it. I think its going to begin by taking the next couple of weekends to do my stuff. I still need to finish that IH6 (inheritance tax form) for my old boss who will soon be my new landlord. No sense in pissing him off now. I need to get this stuff around here packed up so Walter (dear child that he is blah blah) will have less stuff to trash the place with. I'm even planning to pack up the majority of our clothing. Less laundry and maybe the kid will wear the same outfit all day then! (horrors of horrors~~~~>) I also need to get caught up on the blasted laundry...I hate laundry almost as much as dishes! At any rate...I hope to be out of this Hell hole soon!

Coffee has and continues to do Walter a world of good! Yay! Such a simple fix. I may have to take him out for cappuccinno soon. I've also decided that once we move into the new place my little couch potato and I are going to begin taking full advantage of the fitness center where I work. We will only live a few blocks away and then there will be no reason why he couldn't walk down when I get off work and join me for a workout most days.

Maybe working out more would help me quit this nasty smoking habit. Those of you who are praying for me....pray harder. I hate that I smoke but I am having a Hell of a time giving these buggers up too. There is a free smoking cessation class starting soon that I think I am going to try. Hopefully that will help too. It begins June 1 I think.....I guess I better get on it and register soon.

I'm seeing a guy. Its a very pleasant. I probably could fall in love with him but I am wondering lately if its enough to cover the problems of time and distance. He lives several cities away and I'm kind of high maintenance life wise.

I like things to be very natural right from the get-go and its hard to get into that naturalness when you don't interact in someone's life. Its not exactly the same problem I was having with Scott....but its getting to be too familiar for my comfort. I don't have a clue what his life is like for real. I have met his youngest child and interacted quite a bit with him. His daughter knows about me...not like he's trying to keep me secret... I can call when I want, etc etc....but its somehow not feeling like enough.

He's a prime cut personality, once you get to know him, very sweet and good. He's making real effort to please me and he does... But what I want most of all is pretty much on the back burner, for years probably and I am not sure I am willing or even able to wait that long for the life I consider a normal-every-day-relationship.

My brain is coming back into play....my heart can only overrule it for so long. I used to think that true love would be worth any price I had to pay to keep it.... now I'm not so sure. Not sure if I am willing to pay any price and not sure that there is only one true love in a person's life or if there is even really one. Maybe we just make lovers out of friends (and sometimes enemies) and if we are lucky everything matches up perfectly and some of us can just stay like that forever.

The rest of us change too much....need too much....want too much or maybe its the *friend* that changes too much.... It doesn't really matter. Love should be simple but its complicated and confusing instead.... Just like life. Especially my life.

As for this guy, also named Scott (S2), he is a lovely man, but I suspect that eventually I will be too much for him too. I don't think he reads this blog much (I just haven't had time to write lately). There are some obstacles in his own life equal or greater than mine that prevent him from giving me what I want as well and some things he still must work out from his previous relationships before he will ever be able to take me at completely face value and that is kind of a requirement for me. I also feel the need to keep myself *in check* with him a lot. Not because he wants me to, but because I just don't think he can handle me full-on on a regular basis. I hate keeping myself in check but I like having him around too.

I remain unwilling to uproot Walter from this City again. The kid deserves stability during High School. He has tried so hard to get himself together and to prepare for it. I am not going to be the one who adds to his stress. I am also moving upward on this career ladder. At first I took it lightly, but not so much anymore.

I can see how life changing it is going to be for me. I want this. I want to be successful. I want the opportunity to reach my full potential at something before I die. As much as I hate this City sometimes.....I love it too. South Bend, Indiana is an amazing place. Most places are not racist, generally that is reserved for the ghetto areas and frankly I do understand why....it goes all ways here (everyone hates everyone else). The regular and even upper class neighborhoods are lovely and very diverse. We have community theatre, businesses work together, we have fairs and festivals, a wonderful parks & recreation department, our art community is fabulous and we have lots of museums and other historical places. It's not New York or Chicago but its not too bad.

I probably won't write again for a week or two. I have to try to set some priorities here....as much as I wish I could be online regularly I just need to get a grip on my life right now. Today I am taking the time to do this and visit your blogs so that I won't feel guilty about not doing it..... Not that I don't love y'all as much as you love me....but unless I get a clone I will never get caught up so long as I am sitting on my bum typing away at this magic box.

So there you have it.... another prolific update and I am still out of whack