Drama....still not *getting any*

I don't know if anyone else reads my comments....but I do, and I pay attention. You might be surprised at how often I take your advice.

I did try to set up some time with *D*. He was supposed to come over last night and be with me and we were supposed to figure this whole thing out. It didn't happen. This time it was a job deal at 4 in the a.m.. It sounds untrue, it also doesn't sound like the kind of lie someone could come up with. I wrote him another email since we couldn't spend any real time together and I called him at 2:30 a.m. to wish him luck and left it on his voice mail. You would have thought he'd be awake by then if he had a job interview at 4 a.m.... Still no word from him. I tried calling but didn't leave a message. What else is there to say? I'll probably try to call him again.

I'm pathetic.

The thing is when he can't give me what I want, he tends to hide from me. You know, like not showing up and not returning calls. Been through this with him before. I'm getting real tired of it.

He promised to come over today. I'll believe it when I see him standing in my doorway.

Something almost always happens.....

I don't believe in somethings. I think if you really want to be with someone you will be. I think that if you really want to have something.... then obstacles are just things you climb over. I believe in making life happen and not letting it happen to me. If I knew where to find him, I would be there confronting him right now.

If he doesn't come over tonight I am going to end it completely. Cut all ties. I can't be friends with him when I want more. Its stupid to even try. If I start with the talking and emailing with him, then he will just start getting romantic again. I am tired of playing catch me if you can. I'm just not that sophisticated. I don't even want to be.

I don't want to have love and affection only sometimes. All or nothing at all.

He either wants to be with me or he doesn't. Time for him to let us both know what he wants.

So basically I'm of the mood that he needs to shit or get off the pot.

I'm also in the mood to *get some*. I've been trying to hold out but that side of me is having a major breakdown these days. I am definitely not meant to be alone. I wish I was the type who could do *it* without emotional involvement. Maybe that is where my problem lays. My physical needs are demanding to be met and my emotional needs won't let them. I'm starving inside.

I want real life. Good or bad. I want someone who is here when I need a shoulder and who turns to me when they need whatever. I want the give and take. I want the whispers in the middle of the night and conversation over coffee. I want to do things with someone. I'm tired of attending parties and events with my family or girlfriends. I want to have sex in the worst freaking way too. I'm tired of being alone. I don't do it well.

Did I mention I'm not getting any younger today? Did I mention life is moving on and I'm tired of standing still? Did I mention I don't sleep much?

I could have double dated with my younger sister last night and had some fun for a change. I need a real life in the worst way. I could have had a little of one last night. Maybe I blew off a guy that would have been interested in real life....maybe he was nice and fun and passionate. Guess I won't find out now.

I've had some interesting offers of relationships from other men too. Honestly if *D* wasn't in the picture I would have been all over *K* by now. He's probably the better choice. At least he apparently does want to meet me and see where things could go with a woman like me. He seems to think I am a all that and a bag of fritos. He's a cop and I seem to attract and be attracted by them. We understand each other's quirks. *R* could never be a serious choice, but he could be fun and he would soothe my battered ego. I just don't want to hurt him and guys like that are easily broken. He's a nice man....but I don't want him on my conscience.

I have real choices. There are even a couple of guys I've met through work who would love to go out with me and have asked me. I just don't date guys I work with or for. Maybe that is a stupid rule. I don't know.
We won't go into the *friends* who want to move up in the ranks. My ego has been fed enough.

Why *D* isn't seeing what these other guys do is the thing that frustrates me. Maybe I just want what I can't have. I hate to think I am that self destructive. I have to wonder though. Maybe I am the one who isn't looking at the other men the way I should be. I'm looking through *D* and apparently he is just going to stand there and not move unless I knock him out of the way.

I don't want to spend another New Years Eve without a kiss. Y'know I've never had one. My husbands all left me home with the kids and partied alone..... Everytime I see that movie *When Harry met Sally* I want to cry. It sucks to be without a life partner. It sucks even worse to be with one who doesn't want to be with you....for whatever reasons. I swear I am going to kiss a stranger this year if I can't decide on a date!

I guess other than my constant reflection my life is on hiatus until later tonight.

Last Chance for Romance *D*.