Crying doesn't make it better.

What is hope anyway but the triumph over fear?

I think I still have it, maybe not for the things I want to have it for, but I have hope still. I have hope that I can stand tall again and get a grip on my life. I have hope that I can find my pride and put my heart back together. I am a grown up after all.

All my life I've known what to do when someone damaged me. I would cut them out of my life completely, I walked away and never looked back at those who harmed me.

A person could cease to exist in my own little world.

Events could be completely erased in my head.

Its been a life saver and a sanity saver.

I still know of the events and people, but it is like they happened to someone else, like I read it in a book.

I just refuse to remember. I know of at least 20 times I've done this.

Only once has it ever left any lasting damage to me and so I am stuck with 2 phobias that I am constantly fighting while yet still unwilling to actually rememember the event that caused them.

Truth be told, I've made so many adjustments that it isn't really necessary for me to overcome my convenient memory loss. I've found numerous ways to improvise.

I can't think of one good reason to remember. No good can come of it.

I can't do it at will though. I wish I could right now.

It hurts to remember.

I can't forget him when he keeps appearing.

I can't erase him from my heart and mind when it seems as though he is engraved there.

I can't fight him when he uses my own weapons (words) to hypnotise me.

I can't figure out what he wants or expects from me.

All I know is he isn't saying he wants me in his life. He infers it though.

He knows how deeply I read things, he fills his excuses with veiled hope and shrouded regret.

I don't know whether its intentional or not. He's smarter than I am. Not by much though.

I don't dare focus on the fact that maybe he is regretful and wants me to continue to hope for us. I don't want to be stupid. I've been stupid enough.

I know I am the one who chose to walk away.
I didn't cause the pain though and I didn't cause the fear that brought it.
I tried to fight it. I didn't win.
The fear was bigger than my hope.

At least I actually did something instead of sitting around whining about how scared I was that I would lose him and every dream I had. I fought to keep it. I just lost.

I asked him to stop writing me last night, I know I can't go on like this.

Its torture. Part of me wishes I didn't. I am still watching the mailbox, but the longer it goes empty the more distance there will be.

I've always hated the distance between us. It is the root of our problems. Now I am grateful because the distance might be the only way I can pretend it all didn't happen.

I tried to save him, I tried to save us....all that's left to save is me.

I'm not as good at this as I thought I was.

I find it is a lot easier to fall in love than it is to fall out of it. It is a lot easier to believe in fairytales than to face truth. It is a lot easier to deal with dreams than to overcome the effects of a nightmare.

My steel spine feels as soft as jello. My heart isn't hard, it is broken.

Words are all I can relate to, all I understand. I'm manipulated, controlled and consoled by 26 letters in the alphabet.

There ought to be more.

I read this today.

Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should
just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman

I also read his responses to my scathing e-mails. I stayed strong. It wasn't easy. It should be getting easier. I should be able to delete his emails, or at least not read them. I'd be happy if I could just ignore them and not respond. You know I did. He knows I will too. He knows me so well. I don't know what the purpose is.

There was the usual yadda yadda about my wonderfulness and how I deserve better and how he is so sorry he lost me. Yeah, it was a choice and I can't be that wonderful, because I wasn't the choice he made. He actually got his divorced finalized this past week and a half. Yippee! What does it even matter? As long as I don't matter enough to be part of his life why does he keep writing me?

He also pointed out that his profile was always set to just *dating* and not LTR. Fine maybe I am remembering it wrong. Its hard to keep track of words on screen and words in my ear. I know that we talked about forever and that is definitely a LTR, so it doesn't change the fact that he misrepresented his intentions to me, doesn't matter exactly how.

Do you suppose I am his ego feed? Maybe he is just trying to make his guilt go away by trying to make me feel better. It doesn't work. I only feel worse because I am too smart to believe his words over his actions. It makes me feel worse because I want my heart to be right just once, instead of my head. Maybe he just wants to make me think he didn't mislead me, or that if he did it was unintentional. I still have all his letters though and if I understand anything in life it is the power of those 26 letters in the alphabet.

I hurt all over. I don't want to eat but I am going to binge anyway. Today is for cookies and cake and not for makeup or hair brushing.

More than anything I wish the only man who ever really loved me could hold me once more.

I would crawl up on his lap and bury my face in his chest and cry until I had no tears left.

Somehow he'd make everything all right again.

I miss my Grandpa.

A woman wears her tears like jewelry. ~Author Unknown

I took his necklace off my neck today. I thought I was choking. I took off the ankle bracelet too, afraid that I might lose my balance once again.

I don't know what to do with them really. So I put them in their boxes and put the boxes on a shelf I never go to. To give them back I would have to see him. I already know how easily he can convince me with those lighter than blue eyes. Too odd not to stare into and once there I would fall. I can't give them away to anyone I care about. It is like a jinx on them. I can't throw them away because they have a power all their own. Maybe I will pull them out now and again and look at them. Remind myself how hearts can burn and still not feel a thing.

The difference between false memories and true ones is the same as for jewels: it is always the false ones that look the most real, the most brilliant. ~Salvador Dalí

Right now I wonder if love really exists. I haven't dated anyone since he broke my heart and probably won't for a while. I'm also not leading anyone on. I don't do that. I give everyone my blog address so they can know the truth.

The countless gold of a merry heart, The rubies and pearls of a loving eye,
The indolent never can bring to the mart, Nor the secret hoard up in his treasury.
~William Blake

I recall how he waxed poetically about how wonderful I am and how I need and deserve so much more than he can give me. Like I didn't know that already. I'm pissed because he misrepresented himself to be that man who would at least try to give me what I need and deserve (not to mention all the love and caring I wanted to give right back) and to be looking for the same things.

He called my love a treasure. Yeah right.

What man would pass up a treasure?

I was a time filler.

That in-between woman who fixes a man's heart so he can love someone else. He never loves the in-between woman because she is the one who saw him when he was weak.

Clasp my love around your neck,Wear my heart on your finger.
My soul will be your pendant: I live to adorn you -
You're the precious one. ~Grey Livingston, "Genuine Adoration"

One thing I did learn, if you pick up the pieces you don't get to keep the whole.

I would rather be adorned by beauty of character
than jewels. Jewels are the gift of fortune,
while character comes from within. ~Titus Maccius Plautus

He talks about how he let me slip through his fingers and not how he shut the door in my face.

He takes no responsibility whatsoever for his own actions or rather lack thereof.

He never admits to deceiving me or playing with my heart. He just makes a veiled reference to the baggage on his ship which I assume means his fear.

Give crowns and pounds and guineas But not your heart away;
Give pearls away and rubies, But keep your fancy free.~A.E. Housman

I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds
on my neck. ~Emma Goldman

In choosing fear over me, he lost a lot more than a couple of pieces of jewelry.

The most precious jewels are not made of stone, but of flesh. ~Robert Ludlum

Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur

We choose to love, we do not choose to stop loving.--latin proverb

I stole that quote from a friend of mine (and right now I only have just friends) on the dating site Plenty of Fish (which despite my poor judgment is still a great free dating site).

It really is the perfect quote for him, he is a tough on the outside and soft in the middle type of guy. A perfect quote for that type of site.

I was played. I know this now.

I don't know why he emailed me letters telling me how much he loved me after I called it quits. (that is why I gave him the 2 week window to come to his senses) Some pathetic need to hang onto all the hearts he takes a grab at I guess. I felt so guilty about breaking his poor little heart. I felt bad about giving up so soon and the tough choices I had to make.

I felt like a failure because I couldn't break through his *wall of fear*. That wall is nothing but a prop. That way he can get a woman's full attention without ever having to commit to her or give up any real thing from himself.

He's going to be lonely here in a few years when his children finally grow up.

I felt sorry about that too.

Now I just feel kind of stupid.

I'm going to get over this.....My heart might be made of glass, but my spine is made of steel.

Violence in the neighborhood

I have one of thoooooooose families.

I like to say we put the *fun* in dysfunctional.

My personal lineage goes back to Charlemagne on one side and the family of Will Rogers on the other.

I am basically the result of generations of blue blood gone slumming.

I have all the benefits of an indirect yet fully integrated (well except we don't have oriental or jewish people represented yet) family now. I love the various cultures that I get the opportunity to participate in. At this point the vast majority represents white trash, middle class white and black, reservation and non reservation Native Americans (there is a difference when you try to live completely *white* but aren't...I'm one of those). We also have a smattering of Puerto Ricans, Mexicans and 2nd & 3rd generation Poles. I have learned to not just accept, but to embrace all the various cultures. These people have brought out the best in me. I know what truly matters because of the family I relate too.

Its hard to believe that just a few generations ago my great Grandfather, who was a leader in the KKK disowned his own daughter for marrying a Cherokee (the beloved Grandpa I talk about so often). I hope Great Grandpa Cole turns in his grave. He was an evil man.

I also have the unfortunate propensity of some of my supposedly *higher class* relatives to snobbery in its various forms.

Kind of ironic now that I am the one in the ghetto again.

Blood will tell. I need to work on my attitude.

Me at 17.

My neighborhood is basically not white. I look white. I am 3/4 white, I guess I should look it. When I was young girl and lived in this area though, I didn't look so white. My skin has grown paler with age. The shape of my face has changed somewhat due to maturity and dental work. I don't blend in anymore (I was often mistaken for Mexican descent as a teen). My friends as a teen were mostly not white.

I thought I could move back here and not have any problems. I was wrong. It makes me sad that anyone would judge, by my pale look, that I would bigotted and discriminatory. It bothers me that I struggled so hard to better myself and now my improved speech and carriage makes people I want to be friends with actually wary of me.

But what really pisses me off is that last night, at nearly 10 pm, 4 well-dressed boys who happened to be black came to my door and asked to see my son. I let Walter go to the door so he could talk just a minute with these boys who he thought wanted to be his friend and learn about skateboarding (Walter did not actually know them). One of the boys sucker punched him for no reason other than he was a "white boy in the wrong neighborhood".

I probably should have called the police, instead I just told the little brats off. Promised the next time they came to my door I would call the police. I probably should have dumped a pail of water on him so he would have to explain that to his parents....but I didn't. I've got to move. Walter can not blend in with his white white skin and his hazel eyes. Walter is the target I've always said didn't exist.

For years I've said everytime I had to be tough and strong, and everytime I defended the rights of minorities (of which many of my family are). *You can take the girl out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl*.



I don't fit in anymore.

Quid pro quo

To be honest, I don't know whether we've broken up or not. We have serious issues though. No contact for 3 days and the previous 2 days were not so hot.

He's been swearing he loves me from day one. He still is. I love him, at least I love what he lets me love. I don't believe he loves me. I think he is fooling himself. He wants to love someone but he is afraid to let anyone actually into his life. He pretends pretty well.

See I don't think a person is capable of loving someone they don't trust.

I don't want to be a secret. Yet while he is a part of my life....I am not a part of his.

It feels untruthful. I'm not willing to be a part of anyone's lie, even if the one they are lieing to is themself.

I explained my current situation and my feelings about these matters to him in much greater detail.

His answer was that he was afraid that he or his children might be hurt by actions I've given no indication I would do, someone else did those things to him.

In a nutshell, he wants to be in my life, be friends with Walter and for me to keep out of his life.

It doesn't work that way with me. One person can not do all the sharing. It is unbalanced.

There is no room for fear in a relationship. You can not love a person you are afraid of.

I told him off pretty good in my last 2 emails to him. I told him to take a couple of weeks to figure out what he wanted his life to be and who he wanted in it. If he doesn't call by then I will know I am not it.

I will move on. Immediately as always. Life is too short to be lonely. I will say *Next*. I just need a definitive answer from him, either by his words and actions inviting me to into his life, for real this time, or by the lack of them. I'm prepared to go in either direction.

Its ironic, that the very thing he was afraid I would do to him, cause pain to him and his children, is the very thing he has done to Walter and me.

I think the thing that makes me angry (and I do have some anger) is that I questioned him extensively (BEFORE I ever got serious with him) about his last relationship and whether or not he was really over it. Its been over a year, according to him, since its been over. She's moved on and he indicated he was more than ready to do the same. I've been as honest with him about what I want out of life as I am in this blog, he said he wanted the same. He's lieing to someone....it doesn't matter whether its him or me.

I want to believe that he loved me, at least in the beginning. It sucks to think I've been fooled. there was never any need to lie to me. I would have kept my feelings in check then, but I still would have dated him. He's a perfectly wonderful man except for all this BS. I have no idea what happened to change things. It wasn't me. I haven't played any jealousy games nor have I hidden anything from him. I don't understand the reason he doesn't want to let this relationship go where it would have already gone naturally had we lived closer together.

Things are worth working out if he comes to his senses. If he doesn't, I can't be sorry about our time together but I will never speak with him again. I will miss him. I could never settle for friendship. It would never be enough.

I think he's being foolish if his words were not all lies. If he spoke the truth even half the time he's going to find out that most women are not like me, and the ones who are have been taken a long time ago. Especially in this area. I don't know about my chances either.

That's the whole part of this thing that makes me so sad. I will love again, but not so fearlessly. At least I've finished crying.

Fear is not an option.

From the movie *The Princess Diaries*

In a letter to his daughter, Mia, the deceased Eduard Christoff Philippe GErard Renaldi, Prince of Genovia wrote:

Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is
more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not
live at all.

I like movies like that, my inner child comes out (She is still 11 and waiting for Grandpa's next visit) and her heart and mind are open to all the good lessons that these modern day fables can teach. She isn't cynical and still believes in happily ever after. She hasn't lived that much of my life yet.

My Grandpa used to tell me that when I was really afraid that I only had three options. The first was to stand still and let it overtake me. Surrender. Let fear win and I would lose. The second was to run from it. Ignore it, but he said it wouldn't go away, it would always be right there behind me and I would always feel it breathing down my neck. The fear would hunt me down until it completely took over my life. The final choice was to fight it. Face it nose to nose and stand a chance at beating it. He told me that when I get knocked down I can lay there or I can get up and walk again.

Grandpa wasn't much for sissies or cowards. I'm not much for them either.

I understand fear though. I have two phobias I have yet to overcome from a childhood incident (which is why my Grandpa actually had this talk with me when I refused to get into a rowboat because I am afraid of drowning...I got in by the way, with a life jacket). I'm not as afraid as I once was of drowning and/or being lost, but I still have a way to go.

My fears are valid fears, based on this incident where I was lost and did nearly drown. I was only 4 years old and unable to save myself. My fears are NOT unfounded.

Right now I can swim in pools, not well, but as long as I know I can save myself I am ok. I will go up to my neck in larger bodies of water but my heart is pounding. I love boating now, and I don't have to have a life jacket on, just nearby.

As a young child, I was afraid to walk down the street. I go new places often now. Its never easy and seldom very far just yet, though I have driven across State. One day I will go farther. I fill my car with things that make people laugh, a whole bottle of brake fluid for instance, also transmission fluid, antifreeze, and oil, food, water, a telephone, map and a compass. Usually there are blankets and a change of clothing. If I could afford GPS I would have that too. This is even for the city where I live. Still I will drive if I have a valid reason to go somewhere, I just have to be able to survive being lost.

Trying to swim and trying not to get lost are both still capable of knocking me on my ass with a panic attack which often goes into an asthma attack. I deal with the attacks. I fight my fear.

I don't let fear beat me. One day I will knock fear completely on its Ass too....I will swim in deep water and I will travel at least across the country to see the Grand Canyon or something by myself.

I tell you all this because it is an explanation as to why I am not reading you right now and spending so much time writing (though the posts are yet to come). I am trying to get strong by purging all that which weakens me. I am fighting fear right now....and I am not winning. I probably won't. The fear *has come upon me*, to quote Job.

I've been crying a lot. My eyes are like dimpled tomatoes right now. All swollen and red. I can't sleep and eating is feast or famine. My thoughts are fast and furious and scrambling up my head.

I had to make a really tough choice. I am not going to go all melodramatic here and say that I will never get over it. I will. I won't say it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It wasn't. I won't swear that I can never love another. Love is what I do. I will say that I have never felt so sad though. I have this feeling of loss and helplessness. I feel pity and sympathy for someone that I cannot reach out to because a wall of fear separates us.

I'm not a crying person. You have never even seen me write that I have cried anything but tears of joy when Celia was safe from the hurricane. It surprises me to cry like this. It surprises me that I am willing to admit it. I just have no other reaction in me.

I prefer anger. Anger makes me stronger. If I am mad enough I will fight, I will fight dirty. I'm a scrapper from way back. I'm the kid that hollered at God himself when life wasn't the way it should be.

But I can't fight this. His fear is stronger than I am. I am beaten by it.

I'm crying because I am whipped by fear and it isn't even my own.

four letter words.

HOPE is a dangerous occupation. Right now I am paying the price for my resolution to HOPE. I don't even know how high the cost will be. I do know that whatever I've spent, the value of HOPE will exceed the cost. HOPE is a bargain at any price.

This week has been awful, some of it I've already written and some of it will have to wait until I heal a bit. Somewhere in the midst of my misery, HOPE called up Faith and the two of them are holding me up pretty well right now. I guess Faith is my surprise bonus gift when I concentrate on HOPE. I'm still going grayer by the minute. I don't want to eat (but I do) and sleep is a battle every night, in and out of it. But I have some kind of supernatural help. Angels all around me.

I know that whatever happens in the numerous milestones I am crossing right now, that it is going to be for the best. I've left it in God's hands. Good Hands. Better than mine, at least I'm hoping.

It even feels kind of like when I had the surgery on my hands. My thumbs were completely useless before it happened. I was in constant severe pain. Everything I tried to do was an exercise in faith because I was as likely to drop something as to keep holding on. I knew what I needed but I was afraid to do it. I did it anyway. I had HOPE for a miracle, even though one wasn't promised.

FEAR (another four letter word) is the truest opposite of HOPE. Fear takes away joy. HOPE brings it. Fear prevents us from planning. HOPE demands it. Fear smothers us and holds us down. HOPE sets us free.

After I had the surgery my thumbs were completely useless. I was in constant severe pain. Everyting I tried to do was an exercise in faith because I was as likely to drop something as to keep holding on.

Not much difference at first.

I wondered why I had the stupid surgery for a couple of months. It wasn't cheap. I had to put my life on hold for 12 weeks all told (and it probably should have been longer). Then slowly the pain eased. I was able to regain maybe 80-90% of the use of my thumbs again. The pain went away. I still drop things once in a while, but for the most part I can hang on. These hands of mine still work, sometimes differently, but they can get what I need done.

Yeah, I had therapy then, and I may need another type of therapy for my present *surgeries* eventually but at least I can hang on.

I'm not afraid of cutting into myself and repairing the damage anymore. A healed injury is better than a gaping wound. Scars fade and we relearn what we can not repeat.

Body and spirit are not that different.

Just being

Its a beautiful day in the 'hood. Only heard two shots last night! ROFLMAO I should be more concerned but truth be told they are just shooting at each other.

I slept easy anyway.

It's like that old series Highlander....in the end there can be only one. Then hopefully the local police force will be able to stop that one.

I was playing a bit in one of my photo programs and found a cute picture of Walter when he was about 6 and manipulated it into something more indicative of what was to come...




By that angelic face you can see why I didn't see this whole adolescent thing coming..... I shouldn't have let him eat his sister's cookies.... What the Hell does she put in those?

At any rate its a sunnier day and I think I've solved my hives problem...it looks as if I've been spider bitten in a few places. At any rate the hives are clearing up...hopefully it won't take as long as the scratch on my nose (still visible after a month) that the cats gave me.

Have a wonderful day everyone. I will be by tonight after work.

I received the "nice matters" award from Kathy at Secret Garden 2 weeks ago. Had she not been the bestower, she would have been a bestowee.



There was a time I had lots of these awards all over my pages, but I took them down as so much ego-fodder. I like this one though. Being nice does matter. There isn't enough niceness in the world anymore. I'm going to try to deserve it.

My instructions are to post one of these awards on my site and bestow it upon 6 others.


It took me a while to decide who to give it to because so many bloggers I read are deserving, but I think I've made the right choices. Each of these Bloggers practice simple niceness every chance they get. Some of them just by being upbeat and encouraging to others, some of them by actually educating and helping people learn new things by their experiences. All of these writers are just nice people. Nice is a good thing to be.

Here are my choices (in no particular order) and each of you should give this award out to 6 others. Why 6 and not 2 or 20? I don't know....but rules are rules....

1. Tracy at Trace's Space

2. Lippy at The Stupid Sheet

3. Lisa at Coming to Terms

4. Deb at Keep it Cheap

5. Dona at Blue Skies and Gentle Breezes

6. Cynthia at Sorting the Pieces

How to be kinder, stronger, better...Instruction Manuals

"People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;

It never was between you and them anyway."

Author:Mother Teresa



RanDOm Acts of KINDNESS Organization

Oprah_Story

Be Nice or Else

Network for Good

The Caring Institute

Extreme Kindness

Points of Light

Hands On

Habitat for Humanity

The Giving Game

The Kindness Lifestyle

Nice Magazine

Freecycle

LoveMarks

Help Others

Kindness Inc.

Quotes of Kindness

Dare to be an Angel

One Kind Act

A Nice Blog

Free Hugs

Oprah's site


I BELIEVE IN A BETTER WAY (by Ben Harper)



"Better Way"

I'm a living sunset
Lightning in my bones
Push me to the edge
But my will is stone
I believe in a better way
Fools will be fools
And wise will be wise
But i will look this world
Straight in the eyes
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way
What good is a man
Who won't take a stand
What good is a cynic
With no better plan
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way
Reality is sharp
It cuts at me like a knife
Everyone i know
Is in the fight of their life
I believe in a better way
Take your face out of your hands
And clear your eyes
You have a right to your dreams
And don't be denied
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way
I believe in a better way

Today was my birthday!!!!!

I am 46 years old. Pretty pleased with the kids I've raised, and the one I am still working on raising. I have lots of friends, a good job and and I think I'm in love. It looks like this is going to be a very good year.

Emily Dickinson (1830 86). Complete Poems. 1924.

Part One: Life

XXXII

HOPE is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I 've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me.

This past year the *word* was FAITH. I didn’t do so hot, but I am doing better than I was. I left something out that should have come first....I’ll be doing that *word* this year.


The *word* is going to be HOPE this year. It’s such a sweet sounding word. But it’s also a dangerous word. Unrealistic hope can drag me down further than my cynicism and the year of TRUTH (my most catalytic word ever) did. I should have done them together. There is a balance to be had between TRUTH and HOPE but harder to make that balance 5 years apart. (Btw for those who haven’t kept track the missing words from those 5 years are health, stand –as in stand up– and patience—which I also didn’t do well at).

I didn’t choose this word because it was universally accepted as “safe” or “good to have”, because frankly I am not convinced that it is either. I chose it because I need to balance that area in me. Sometimes I hope fantastically big, sometimes I am completely without hope and only see the ugly. I want to live hopefully, but I want hope to be an action like the word *love* is to me. Not some spiritual noun, but a realistic, practical application put in daily practice by my life. Hoping for money is an example. I could turn my hope into action in a variety of ways, I could chose to play the lottery and hope to win big, or I could choose to work better and harder at my job and have the realistic hope of a better position and the raise that generally accompanies such a promotion. See where I am going with this?

I hope that I can help Walter achieve the kind of life he wants, I hope that he can make his dreams come true, but the *noun* hopes are not going to cut it. I have to work with him in his school work and attitude and life skills in order to help him prepare to make his and my hopes for his future to become the reality we are hoping for.

I hope that the loving relationship I am in will last forever, but we won’t if all we do is hope for it. So I hold that hope in my heart and it inspires me to open up to him fully even when I am afraid of what he will see, it inspires me to listen to him and to place his needs and desires at a top priority. I try to make all my actions and words match this beautiful hope inside me....even though I know that a hope that great being dashed could destroy my confidence and break my heart. I allow hope to give me courage to dream of things I’d once given up hope of having. The hope in my heart covers up my fear of being hurt. It’s still there, but softly surrounded and cushioned by the joy and freedom of the emotions I am allowing myself to feel and to share.

It sounds beautiful doesn’t it? It isn’t always. I am at constant battle internally sometimes. Hope is not so much a friend of mine but rather an enemy that has lied to me before.

HOPE has two faces. Someone once said something to the effect that without Hope there is no Despair. It’s a profound thought. I say that without Hope there is no Joy. I’m hoping to get on HOPE’s good side.



Do you remember the story of Pandora? When she opened that box, she let out all the evils except one: HOPE. The Greeks considered HOPE to be as dangerous as all of the world's other evils. Still, while HOPE was still in the box and all the other troubles were visited upon the world, humanity was desolate and desperate....Imagine the relief when Pandora finally returned to that box and let HOPE out to join the rest! Even though HOPE wasn’t strong enough to get out of the box right away, in the end it proved stronger than all the other ills that had been unleashed upon the world! Only Hope could give mankind the strength to face the rest of the World’s evils and to fight it’s way from the prisons of desolation and despair. So why did Zues put Hope in the box in the first place? In *All Too Human*, Friedrich Nietzsche proposes that Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope.

I can relate but I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. I am a Christian at the core. Maybe not a right-winged Bible thumper, but I am a Christian. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. Maybe I don’t believe it the way it is so often preached, but I do believe the Bible is Truth...maybe not exact truth as humans see it, but it is divine truth. The inspired writings of Paul contains words I live by. In fact it is my favorite Book and Chapter of the Bible. In the 13th Chapter of his 1st letter to the Corinthians Paul writes:

(11) When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child, when I became a man, I did away with childish things. (12) For now we see in a mirror dimly but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known, (13) but now faith, hope, love, abide these three; and the greatest of these is love.



There are 3 abiding spirits that God has given us to accomplish our purposes in this world and to have the strength to deal with life in this world. I’ve worked on Faith and I will continue to do so.... I am always working on Love, all types of love...but Hope, that I have taken for granted and cursed whenever it left me. I want to be friends with it now. I never realized its strength or power until recently when I’d all but given up and had it returned to me without deserving it or even asking for it back. That is Grace in action....the free gift.

Hopefully, I will come out of this year a better person.

Quote for today:

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.
--Birdee Pruitt (Sandra Bullock) Hope Floats

If the Shoe Fits....

Well today I was a good Mom. I took Walter out for a haircut and shoe shopping then dumped him at the skatepark so I could have some veg time. You have to love this kid's taste in shoes....

Classic Black of course (he does pride himself on being a *bad* boy...yeah right)



Check out the sides though......

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!




Even the insoles are evil...




Check out the trick of light on this version of that picture....




I think the dern things might be possessed!

Hopefully he will be able to do some really sick jumps with them.... (sick is the new word for cool btw)

Just a Quick One...

Hey everyone

I've been trying to write something substantial like Lisa has recently...but I am so wrapped up in my love and family lives that I only have bits and pieces put together.... I need to be baking cookies right now because I want to send some home with Scott for his kids, I am giving some to Celia, Billy and their friend for putting tires on my car this weekend and I promised some to a person I know who is working hard to get Celia and Billy a job with a major airline. Serious advancement opportunities!

So I'm not slacking here....just have my priorities right and they are all due about right now.

Today was a great day.... Walter is in a great mood and working hard to control his emotions, and he has been making a concentrated effort on his school work....I am soooooooo proud of my kid for his efforts....Then I was so good at work... It was a good thing because the General Manager is shadowing us. I made not less than 12 priority club memberships while taking reservations. Damn I am sooooooooo good!

:;:sigh::: life is good.

Well I lest my newly found joy bore you all to death.....Lisa is doing some real thinking these days....Go visit her here.

mystery date

Do you remember that game we played when we were girls?

Mystery Date!




That's what its been like.

I didn't get the dud this time.....

He came over, on time well pretty close...he was a few minutes late because he was trying to find flowers as beautiful as me....

:::stop swooning!:::::

I seen him drive up through my window....met him at the front door. I have to tell you I was a bit shaky.

I don't normally shake over a man unless they tick me off.

I let him in.

For a few moments we just stared and then he was kissing me...

I don't even know how it happened.

It was sweet and lovely. I could have melted into the floor.

Then he presented me with candy and the dozen perfect roses.

I put them in a vase and let him kiss me again.

I don't even mind that I'm allergic and he had a sense of humor about it.

That's what sudafed is for right?

He was sweet to Walter. We ate dinner where my sister works. (it was steak for those of you who will ask). He was nice to her too.

We didn't do a whole lot....but we spent time with each other until the wee hours of the morning....eating...drinking (nothing alcoholic) and just *being*. We've been emailing all day again. He'll call me later. I feel like I've known him forever.

He fits me like a favorite sweater....so comfortable and reassuring. How can anything I compare to an old sweater be that and exciting and sexy too?

He just is.

He has a name, not a letter. His name is Scott.

I expect to be seeing a lot of him....

You were right Kathy....he found me.

Got a date this weekend!!!!

I got a date...

::::doin the happy feet dance::::::

told y'all...... I feel lucky!

My love life as explained by music videos...

Gawd....I love You Tube....

I miss the old MTV




hard to ignore the truth.....




The title says it all....and hey its got a great beat and you can dance to it (I should know I did it for way too long)

I've had my share of disappointments......



I played the blame game a time or two......





Made some really bad choices





Flirted a bit too much a time or two....




I really don't mean it.....


Now I am chasing storms.....looking for hope....





Hey...I'll be back later....I just seen a leprechaun....maybe he can lead me to that rainbow....

I'm not chasing after the pot of gold....

Just one man who is



Hey.....hey..... WAIT UP!!!!

This is so beautiful and incredible....

I invite you all to visit this web site. A friend of mine sent it to me just today. It is truly lovely and it will only take about 2 minutes of your time and I promise you will be moved. It is living ART. Just Incredible.


Love 2008

I Feel Lucky!!!!

I'm writing at weird times because my days and nights are all messed up. It is still Jan 1 in my head but on the calendar it is Jan 2.

I feel lucky!



Whatever happened to Mary Chapin Carpenter? I used to love her! This is one of my favorite songs..... I woke up this morning (nearly afternoon to tell the truth) with it ringing in my head. (another one I like is *shut up and kiss me*)

I went to work at the crack of 1:30 p.m., needing a ride to work because of the near blizzard we have going on here in the midwest. I kept hearing it. It colored my attitude all day.

Nothing but crisis at work...but I handled every little thing as it came up.

I felt lucky.

I'm talking or rather e-mailing/IMing a few guys....but one is making me feel special, I just started talking with him, but I find myself waiting to see what he will write next. It's promising. He's cute too!

I feel lucky.

Everyone despite the miserable weather and their problems has been smiling with me today. All day.

I feel lucky.

Seriously. I don't ever remember waking up on New Year's Day and feeling like this. I haven't been feeling like this really for a while. I feel like I am going somewhere. Coolness. Total Coolness. I think this is going to be a good year.

I don't know what I dreamt when I slept....but I woke up happy. I felt in control. Heck, I even felt rested. Relieved. Lucky.

It was great.

I feel lucky.






Well I woke up this morning stumbled out of my rack
I opened up the paper to the page in the back
It only took a minute for my finger to find
My daily dose of destiny, under my sign
My eyes just about popped out of my head
It said "the stars are stacked against you girl, get back in bed"

I feel lucky, I feel lucky, yeah
No Professor Doom gonna stand in my way
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Well I strolled down to the corner, gave my numbers to the clerk
The pot's eleven million so I called in sick to work
I bought a pack of Camels, a burrito and a Barq's
Crossed against the light, made a beeline for the park
The sky began to thunder, wind began to moan
I heard a voice above me saying, "girl, you better get back home"

But I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
No tropical depression gonna steal my sun away
Mmmmm, I feel lucky today

Now eleven million later, I was sitting at the bar
I'd bought the house a double, and the waitress a new car
Dwight Yoakam's in the corner, trying to catch my eye
Lyle Lovett's right beside me with his hand upon my thigh
The moral of this story, it's simple but it's true
Hey the stars might lie, but the numbers never do

I feel lucky, oh oh oh, I feel lucky, yeah
Hey Dwight, hey Lyle, boys, you don't have to fight
Hot dog, I'm feeling lucky tonight
I feel lucky, brrrrr, I feel lucky, yeah
Think I'll flip a coin, I'm a winner either way
Mmmmmm, I feel lucky today

I need sleeeeeeeeeeeeep!

My brain won't stop....

It hasn't stopped in days.

Seriously. I can't sleep. All I do is read, write, email, and chat. All the while I am watching television and reading a book. I've written a couple of poems that I won't post until I read them with a clear mind. My mind is definitely not that.

I went to work today. NO sleep. (I don't know why I can't sleep, I have to be exhausted.) I started in on the computers.....I couldn't even keep a good conversation going with the coworkers who were trying so hard to get to know me....to be my friend.... I made them all faster...stronger....better than they were when I came in....Bits and bytes I understand.

Frenetic is the word that describes me.

Cleaning out my closets

Its that time of year. Some people do Spring Cleaning. Not me. You knew I wouldn't.....that would be too normal. I clean internally and externally....in January. My birthday is the last day of this month, that is when I will start my new year. I'll be 46 years old. I'm not quite happy with who I've been and who I am, but I am working on it.

It was a good time to give up on *D*. Might as well just start fresh and clean up my old debris before I make a new mess right? I'm ok. More busted ego than broken heart, though he did put a chip or two in it. Life goes on and love is waiting out there.....I just have to pay attention so I know it when I find it.

At any rate.......

I figure my life is almost but not quite half over. Which means I still have just as much time left as I've wasted. I truly do expect to live close to 100. The women in our family seem to live a long time, with the exception of my beloved cousin and her mother (whom I got my middle name from). They were exposed to asbestos in the family home though and got cancer from it.

The men die early though. Its not that we actually kill them....we just wear them out I think. They last approximately 60 years and then actually have the heart attacks they say we've been giving them for years.

The grandmother I was named after, my natural father's mother, was a royal bitch. She didn't have a kind word for me until about a week before she died at just under 100 years old. She was a brilliant woman though, evil but brilliant. Celia hates clowns with a passion, so Grandma gave her one for every birthday or holiday. Lovely woman. She did like my boys. Boys are better somehow. She was mean to her daughters too.

I never met my poor grandfather, Clyde. He died before I was an adult and developed a relationship with my father. I've only heard wonderful things about him though. My father died a few years after my grandmother. I loved him dearly. He was everything I hoped he would be when I finally was able to have a relationship with him. I miss him like I do my grandfather and my best friend who are also gone from this world. He wasn't that old (grandma had him late in life, she was nearly 50!), cancer got him.

My mother's mother is now in her mid 90's. She has smoked since she was 10 or 11. She started breaking all the rules long before that. She is a wonderful crotchety old woman who still has her wits about her, even if her legs are starting to give her trouble now. She still has living sisters, one is older.

There are tons of stories of crazy and daring women in my family and they all seem to have this long-life genetic thing.

My whole point is I am one of the spicy women found in both sides of my family that will probably live as close to forever as humanly possible. Only the good die young you know.

Unless of course, someone shoots our ass. I'm not quite bullet-proof. Still I think I fall into that history of powerful woman in our family. I don't have an x gene I have an X gene. It's my heritage and my legacy to my own daughter.

I figure I still have time to do some of the things I wish I had already done. I'm going to find the romantic and passionate love relationship that I so want and so need. I'm going to make the second half of my life better than the first half.

I'm going to make a list. Like that new movie I am dieing to see....the bucket list...I'm working on trying to find that perfect word that will encompass my resolve for this year. What do you think I should put on my list? What do you wish you had done, but never had the guts or opportunity to actually complete? I'll let you live vicariously through me if you want. I haven't done so many things that I don't even know where to begin.

Some of you may not know about my weird way of making new years resolutions. Every year I try to encompass my greatest desire to improve and change my life into one word. Some of the ones that have changed me and made me stronger are: Truth, Faith, Justice, and Peace. There have also been less powerful words that made a difference too, some of those are: Health, Compromise, Dream, and Write. Some words I can't remember now even though I based a year of my life on thier focus (which come to think of it was one of my words). I've been doing this since I was 12...so that's a lot of words.

My New Year begins on January 31. Help me find the word that will make me better than I am, that will make me be more worthy of your friendship, and more deserving of the life God gave me. Suggestions are welcome. I will of course let you know the one I choose when the time comes.

John Mayer Lyrics

Drama....still not *getting any*

I don't know if anyone else reads my comments....but I do, and I pay attention. You might be surprised at how often I take your advice.

I did try to set up some time with *D*. He was supposed to come over last night and be with me and we were supposed to figure this whole thing out. It didn't happen. This time it was a job deal at 4 in the a.m.. It sounds untrue, it also doesn't sound like the kind of lie someone could come up with. I wrote him another email since we couldn't spend any real time together and I called him at 2:30 a.m. to wish him luck and left it on his voice mail. You would have thought he'd be awake by then if he had a job interview at 4 a.m.... Still no word from him. I tried calling but didn't leave a message. What else is there to say? I'll probably try to call him again.

I'm pathetic.

The thing is when he can't give me what I want, he tends to hide from me. You know, like not showing up and not returning calls. Been through this with him before. I'm getting real tired of it.

He promised to come over today. I'll believe it when I see him standing in my doorway.

Something almost always happens.....

I don't believe in somethings. I think if you really want to be with someone you will be. I think that if you really want to have something.... then obstacles are just things you climb over. I believe in making life happen and not letting it happen to me. If I knew where to find him, I would be there confronting him right now.

If he doesn't come over tonight I am going to end it completely. Cut all ties. I can't be friends with him when I want more. Its stupid to even try. If I start with the talking and emailing with him, then he will just start getting romantic again. I am tired of playing catch me if you can. I'm just not that sophisticated. I don't even want to be.

I don't want to have love and affection only sometimes. All or nothing at all.

He either wants to be with me or he doesn't. Time for him to let us both know what he wants.

So basically I'm of the mood that he needs to shit or get off the pot.

I'm also in the mood to *get some*. I've been trying to hold out but that side of me is having a major breakdown these days. I am definitely not meant to be alone. I wish I was the type who could do *it* without emotional involvement. Maybe that is where my problem lays. My physical needs are demanding to be met and my emotional needs won't let them. I'm starving inside.

I want real life. Good or bad. I want someone who is here when I need a shoulder and who turns to me when they need whatever. I want the give and take. I want the whispers in the middle of the night and conversation over coffee. I want to do things with someone. I'm tired of attending parties and events with my family or girlfriends. I want to have sex in the worst freaking way too. I'm tired of being alone. I don't do it well.

Did I mention I'm not getting any younger today? Did I mention life is moving on and I'm tired of standing still? Did I mention I don't sleep much?

I could have double dated with my younger sister last night and had some fun for a change. I need a real life in the worst way. I could have had a little of one last night. Maybe I blew off a guy that would have been interested in real life....maybe he was nice and fun and passionate. Guess I won't find out now.

I've had some interesting offers of relationships from other men too. Honestly if *D* wasn't in the picture I would have been all over *K* by now. He's probably the better choice. At least he apparently does want to meet me and see where things could go with a woman like me. He seems to think I am a all that and a bag of fritos. He's a cop and I seem to attract and be attracted by them. We understand each other's quirks. *R* could never be a serious choice, but he could be fun and he would soothe my battered ego. I just don't want to hurt him and guys like that are easily broken. He's a nice man....but I don't want him on my conscience.

I have real choices. There are even a couple of guys I've met through work who would love to go out with me and have asked me. I just don't date guys I work with or for. Maybe that is a stupid rule. I don't know.
We won't go into the *friends* who want to move up in the ranks. My ego has been fed enough.

Why *D* isn't seeing what these other guys do is the thing that frustrates me. Maybe I just want what I can't have. I hate to think I am that self destructive. I have to wonder though. Maybe I am the one who isn't looking at the other men the way I should be. I'm looking through *D* and apparently he is just going to stand there and not move unless I knock him out of the way.

I don't want to spend another New Years Eve without a kiss. Y'know I've never had one. My husbands all left me home with the kids and partied alone..... Everytime I see that movie *When Harry met Sally* I want to cry. It sucks to be without a life partner. It sucks even worse to be with one who doesn't want to be with you....for whatever reasons. I swear I am going to kiss a stranger this year if I can't decide on a date!

I guess other than my constant reflection my life is on hiatus until later tonight.

Last Chance for Romance *D*.

And the lonliness hits again

The problem about the winter holidays is that I become reflective and introspective. I am very lonely. I don't quite fit in with my family. I don't quite fit in with my friends. My children no longer need me the way they did when they were young. I am aching to give this love I have to someone. Positively aching from carrying it around inside me. I need to matter more. I need to feel needed and wanted. I need to feel important to one person.

I'm *talking* with several guys now. Most of them I really like, 2 in particular. They both say everything I want them to say or thought I wanted to hear from a man. My type of manly men. Cavemen. (Can't y'all just see me being drug around by my hair?)....but cavemen with raw emotion and open hearts. Men who keep wanting to meet me and more. They make no secret of wanting everything I could offer them. They think I am smart and seem to hang on every word I say...and remember it and quote it back to me days later. They are obviously sexually attracted to me. They want to actually meet me...to date me..... I shouldn't be complaining. I should want to meet them. I should be willing to adjust my schedule a bit. I shouldn't be hesitant. Some other lucky lady will be snatching them up if I don't.

I should care more.

I wonder if I am being fair by even representing myself as available and looking for a real relationship.

I'm not completely sure that I am.

The problem is I don't have as much a connection with them as with *D*, whom I'm still talking to. He's proving very difficult to get over. It doesn't help that he calls me every chance he gets, despite the fact that I've called a halt to our *relationship* as it were. I can't not take his calls. He is important to me. He matters. Even if I don't want him to.

We have talked out some of our problems over this long week.

Our last disagreement proved to be less a serious issue than I thought. Still the fact that our communication skills with each other are so poor could be a bad sign of things to come. Communication is absolutely everything if you want a relationship that lasts.

It turned out to be huge misunderstanding about something he said on my part, and a serious bad judgment on his. It dealt with sexual issues (not phone sex)...and y'all know I have some serious issues in that area. I am not sure of the extent of either of our errors just yet or whether or not they can be overcome. When we approach the subject we are both hurt and guarded.

As he states it, "We don't argue, we debate....everytime we talk its a debate". He has a point. I've never argued so much with someone in my life. We bicker constantly but truth be told, its like we are inside each other's head and we call each other out on the BS. Even when we argue, there is this affection. Seriously. We can't be mad at each other, just hurt by each other. Which we do way too much. We have a weird connection. We finish each others thoughts and sentences. I know when he's thinking of me and when its him on the phone before I answer. Its unnerving really. For him and for me. We fight and I call everything off but we end up online at the same time or I pick up the phone and it rings in my hand. We can't seem to let this die a natural death. I'm not sure it is a natural thing sometimes....Its like the Devil himself is playing with me.

I don't actually love him, but I do love parts about him (no we have not been physical). I would fall for him, if I wasn't so careful to analyse myself and remember what I need and what I want just about all the time. I talk myself out of it. He hasn't offered to be that man for me yet. He may not ever, even though I know he wants to be. I want and need a lot in my next and hopefully last romantic relationship. Even if he does want to be that man, he could have wants and needs of his own that I will be unable to meet. I may not be the woman he needs. We never say words of love to each other. We are not the types to admit defeat, and to our way of thinking it may spell that at this point. I don't know if we ever will be brave enough to say them. I know he feels the same about me though. I can hear it in the silences when we talk. He says everything but that. I don't say these words to him because I can't. Not feeling it yet. Not ready to open completely for him. I can't lay my heart on the line until I know his is there right next to it.

I want him to say it first. I'm pretty sure he wants it to be me. Call it a stand-off. Maybe we are both to0 fucked in the head to be able to make this work. I have to wonder why we are even trying sometimes. I have to wonder if I am crazy to keep talking to him when he isn't reaching out for more.

That is why I am talking to more than one man and trying to keep myself unentangled sexually until I find *the* one that I think I could develop a lifetime relationship with. I may hope it will be *D*, but until and unless I KNOW it, I have to keep looking because I keep needing.

I need to hear the words *I love you* and see it in a man's eyes. I need to feel it in his touch. I need to know it by his actions. I'm holding out for this concrete magic. Maybe it will come from *D*, maybe not. Maybe we are just destined to have this weird affinity with each other. I wish I knew, but until I do I am still looking for someone who will love me.....even when I'm ugly. I'm looking for someone who likes me from the inside out. Someone who wants to take all that I give and give it back to me. Someone who will admit that he wants what I offer and be willing to give me what I need. Someone who wants the real thing. Forever. Someone who is willing to make it happen.

Don't get me wrong. Right now I am mostly just emailing other men. Meeting over coffee. Sharing a kiss at the end. *D* was the last real date I went on....then before we could date again the *conversational incident* happened that has me rethinking and reevaluating everything all over again.

Part of me hopes to find someone else that I can relate to on at least the same mental/emotional degree I have with *D*. but with someone who is more willing to throw caution to the wind and jump in with both feet. Part of me wonders why *D* is not and if I should just stop trying to find someone else and work solely on the man in question.

Note to self: It is unwise to have a serious discussion of any type while drugged on cold medicine and speaking with someone who is also a bit tipsy. Not good. Also not good is firing off a break-up email before discussing it soberly because I am impatient and he isn't the best guy in the world for calling on a regular basis (though AFTER that email he has been).

So tonight I am lonely. I could fix it with someone easy if I wanted to....but I want more. I might even want too much.

The thought makes me sad.

My Heaven

This to me is heaven. I have 3 wonderful children. Children that I don't only love but I like. The big bonus? I have 3 wonderful, completely different children who not only love each other....but like each other and hang out together! This is heaven....to watch them like this from the corner of the room....to see them show their love and respect to and for each other. Its the only Christmas present I will ever need. Heaven....

The Beast and me....

This is Walter....he's just a tiny bit rowdy. He keeps me on my toes when he's not knocking me off my feet. 14 years old and pure energy! People have commented on how almost all my photos I'm laughing out loud.... He's most of the reason!

My baby girl and me...

This is Celia, she's 23 and still a newly wed. ....she really likes me she just wouldn't smile for this shot... She's ornery like that....grinning pictures of her later.... Isn't she a beauty? She doesn't believe me. Not one bit of makeup on this perfect face of hers....she wakes up like this. Her hair is as silky as it looks.... Her real beauty though is all inside.....Best daughter ever!

My eldest & me

This is Richard. He's mine. Guess there's no denying it huh? 26 year old single male to all the young ladies out there. As you can see, he's handsome and built with bricks! How did he grow up so fast? Where is my baby?

Another Holiday at the Inn

I love these people!!!!!!

Other Bloggers Christmas Spirit

I have to give the usual *Not always for Christian or Children's eyes* warning here. Yep I do like some offensive stuff....but if you are at my blog, you know you (even if secretly) enjoy some of it too....and basically it is pretty tame.

Some of it is just sweet too.

Here are my HO HO HO s, HA HA HA s, and AHHHHHH how sweet! s, for today!

http://journals.aol.co.uk/acoward15/andy-the-bastard/

http://journals.aol.com/alphawoman1/Alphawomansblog/

http://journals.aol.com/delela1/BlueSkiesandGentleBreezes

http://prettypuddleglum.blogspot.com/2007/12/new-christmas-spirit-part-14.html

(hilarious 12 days of Christmas post above, if you check her site out you'll find some other song remakes, some are more melancholy than funny though....still a talented lady)

http://journals.aol.com/mlraminiak/ComingtotermswithMiddleAge/

(She even finds hope in sadness....)

http://journals.aol.com/dbaumgartner/MakingAHome/

She knows how to keep that Christmas spirit all the time, but this months entries are full of christmas LOVE.

http://journals.aol.com/dklars/SecretGarden/

All her Christmas energy is wearing me out! My goodness I feel soooooooo inferior!

http://www.tracenoel.blogspot.com/

Real Christmas Spirit is found here too.

http://stupidsheet.blogspot.com/

He's sarcastic...but he has a soft and squishy center.

http://stillunhinged.blogspot.com/

writing about a real, honest to goodness, Christmas miracle that just happened to her family.

That should get you surfing....

Enjoy Christmas!

Ho Ho Ho zzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

My Santa hat's too big! It was a slow day at the inn today. Good thing too, because as you can see by the circles on the circles under my eyes....I've been sleepless lately!

Least my hair is finally growing out!

I earned the Santa cap by the way....

I went shopping for ALL my gifts yesterday....and I did it all in one night....just like the big guy himself.

I was an amazing sight to behold....unless you were in my way. Snatch...Grab....Race to the next aisle....I was utterly AMAZING!!! Not only did I do some great shopping (and y'all know I hate shopping) but I got some great deals too.... I came in UNDER budget this year. Yay me! I bought a new Othello game to reward myself....now I just have to find a WORTHY opponent....and I am soooooooooo good at this game. I bet I could beat you!

The slide show is just some of the goofy people I work with..... I love my job!

Family Relations

I thought this was just a perfect video for this classic song....

Makes me wanna giggle!

The wicked magical power of EST.

I have a very jealous and competitive nature. Mostly it is kept in check by the fact that I am also incredibly nice and I want everyone to love me. Also, despite my numerous falls from Grace, I am still scared to bring the Wrath of GOD down on my head (sorry....I couldn't help myself....I used to go to a very *hellfire and brimstone* type of church). So usually I don't over do too much.

Not withstanding the above (sorry again....too much time in the presence of lawyers), I like being an EST. I have to be EST whenever I can. As a child I was that kid who finished the test the quickEST and practically tripped over her shoes to deliver it to the teacher. I wanted to be the bEST. I wasn't the fastEST runner, but I was the slowEST, so it didn't bother me too much because I was still distinctive....still EST. I've always loved it when my actions or words or even better my whole self was described with one of those magical EST words.... bEST, of course was my favorite. There were also brightEST, sweetEST, sexiEST, craziEST, thinEST, blEST, prettiEST, etc. etc.....lots of words end with those magical letters that thrill me to no end. I've always been by nature, extreme. I've also been shamed and shamefully thrilled by other EST words....meanEST, raunchiEST, cruelEST, nastiEST, you know the words I'm talking about...depending on how they are used and the actual intent....

In my life I've done some wild and/or stupid things. I've numerous scars to prove it. I have the bad girl blog to document some of it. I've done cruel things too, that I still try to atone for.

I was the girl who went off road bahaing on the top of the jeep. I was the girl who would smoke a joint in front of a teacher. I was the woman who would stand up to the crack head across the street (without enough sense to worry about getting shot). I go out with strangers.

I also struggle with the super-person syndrom. I try to be everything to everyone. I have a hard time saying *No*, even when it means going on a couple of hours of sleep a night for weeks at a time. I never refuse when I am called into work no matter what else I need to do....I just do it later and forego my body's natural need for rest. I am a heart attack waiting to happen sometimes.

I fight addiction all the time. In school I experimented with drugs. As a young woman, I danced dangerously close to anorexia for a time. I came close to taking up drinking once, but I took antidepressants instead. (EST types are prone to depression because someone else can always EST beyond you....trust me...its not easy being EST). I've been addicted to people too. Smothering was the word that was used. Right now its the cigarrettes.

The problem with being an EST type of person is that you can never willingly walk away from a challenge, you never run from a fight, you never turn down a dare, there is no risk you won't take if it keeps you on top of the EST thing. You feel this intense need to always show others that you have NO LIMIT. Truth is rewritten to face the challenge with you. If you are hurt in the process its the price you have already chosen to pay. Its NOT the bEST way to live and I am constantly working on this little vice.

The good thing about being an EST type of person is that you continually strive to outdo yourself (ok and everyone else too, friends and family are no exception). You are always looking for ways to be the bEST. That is why I have succeded in business despite the lack of a college degree. It is how I managed to raise, not one but two, special needs sons (severe Asperger's autism) from recommendations of institutionalization to having one who is now, for all intents and purposes, *normal*, self sufficient and self supporting, and another who will be at that point soon. So sometimes its a virtue. I don't want to lose that drive. It's what has made me the bEST when I dealt with the worst obstacles in my life.

I am so addicted to this kind of EST behavior that finding a balance is difficult. I get a thrill from being an EST even when its bad. NOT GOOD. That happened to me yesterday....several times throughout the day.... I behaved out of character (my character is nice, and responsible and kind....but it was absent yesterday). I didn't actually do any real damage, other than to my self esteem. I've found that people are more likely than not, going to enjoy most of my EST behavior and yesterday's mistakes were more irresponsible and stupid than anything else. Its me who has to live with them and take the steps to correct what I screwed up. I'm the one who made the first impressions with the mask on. I'm the one who blew a perfectly good opportunity to advance my position in business by showing off my better skills. I am grateful that I didn't really cause irrepairable damage....but I had the choice of behaving better. Just because I will have new opportunities is no excuse to waste the ones I've been given just to get attention.

ATTENTION. That is what being an EST type is really all about. Obviously I enjoy attention. I steal it every chance I get. Maybe its the middle child syndrom. My old shrink said that she thought I did everything in extreme because I was still trying to prove myself worthy of my miracle birth (I was too premature and various other complications), or because I felt guilty because good things seemed to come to me too easy when compared with the *luck* of the rest of my family, as if I was trying to put myself back in my place. Frankly, I think I'm just a know-it-all show off most of the time....but its always nice to have an excuse. Does anyone feel sorry for me for being so mixed up in the head?....ROFLMAO. I don't!!!!! Still I use these excuses all the time. Why? Because they usually work and everyone forgives my outrageous behavior.

I'm not really that bad. Just bad enough to embarass myself once in a while, still I want to be better. I want to be the bEST person I can be....even if that means giving up some of those other little ESTs and managing the others a bit better.

I am a passionate woman.....not much choice there. I don't have to be stupid though.

Tomorrow

Have you ever done something out of character just to prove you can? Just to prove you are as *insert your own missing character trait here* as someone else is or hinted you are not? Just to prove to yourself that you are something or someone you don't even care to be? Have you ever done the wrong thing or said the mean thing just because you could?

I did this morning. More than one thing.

I don't know why. I am not that person. I don't want to be that person.

So now the thing is what does one do when they wish they could turn back the clock?

Take back that word you wish you'd left unsaid....or breathe life into the words you couldn't find.

Take back that action that you are ashamed you did....or do the one you should have instead.

Take care of the problem you wish you hadn't have ignored....or let something go that really didn't matter.

Normally I try not to regret things.

I can't help but regret this time.

This time I wasn't the only one I let down.

Tomorrow though is a new day again and a new start.

Tomorrow I am going to be me.